to think mil should pay for this entire holiday or we should cancel it?

[lecce]

A few months ago mil asked if she could take ds1 (5) away for a few days on her own to a destination 3.5 hours away from mil?s home and 4.5 hours away from our home. She has developed an obsession about this place after reading a book set there and, coincidentally, it also has some features related to one of ds?s main interests so he will love it.

We had reservations because, on the one occasion ds has stayed alone at her house overnight (we stayed at fil?s in the same city), she found him exhausting. She suffers from insomnia and drinks to get to sleep ? NOT to the point of passing out but just to help her nod off. This means she is very slow to get started in the morning. She also had a minor accident on the motorway recently and is not a confident driver anymore. We therefore felt that the drive would be too much and that she would be absolutely shattered after it and would struggle to cope with ds after that. He sleeps well and never runs off but talks NON-STOP.

We therefore suggested that we drive ds1 down and stay in a campsite with ds2 about 30 minutes away from where mil and ds1 will be staying. Mil was very taken with this suggestion and in fact said that she would prefer we stay nearer than that. This pissed me off. Last year we went on holiday to a place that mil chose and paid for. It was somewhere near her family and there was very little to do. We felt that she had chosen our holiday by paying for it and, of course, we still had to pay petrol and day to day expenses so we spent a fair bit of money doing something that we hadn?t chosen just to please mil. Now it feels she has manipulated us into doing something similar this year. By this time we had already booked a week?s camping for ourselves somewhere else (we did this before she ever mentioned her idea) so this would be an extra holiday we could only just afford.

Anyway, since we agreed to this we have put our house on the market and sold it - incurring solicitor?s fees and a survey for the house we are buying. In addition, an elderly aunt who I love dearly and lives over 3 hours away (nowhere near where mil is going) has had a bad fall. She and my mother usually come and visit us once a month but since the fall she has not been able to travel. I want us all to visit her but this is yet more expense and we can?t really afford to do both. Also, ds1 goes back to school on the 25th (he goes to an academy) so time is running out.

An additional complication is that I am a f/t teacher and dh always takes the dc to mil or fil?s for 3 days over the 6 week holiday so I can do some work and relax a bit. However, with ds1 now having a shorter holiday than me I don?t want to miss anymore holiday time with him so I suggested (a couple of months ago ? before the extra expenses occurred) that dh and the boys go with mil without me and I have ?my? time then. He agreed.

However, since then we have camped again and remembered how much hard work it is and dh doesn?t really want to do it alone with ds2 (very hyper 3 yo). Our tent is huge and really hard for one person to put up. Also, we have hardly any money left until I am paid (23rd) and can?t really afford to go at all (we have an emergency credit card but don?t really want to use it as moving will probably cost us and will use it to visit my aunt). Dh mentioned all this to mil and her suggestion is to lend him a smaller tent and take ds2 with her and ds1. However, if d2 sleeps badly on the first night he will have to go back to dh!

AIBU for thinking this is incredibly mean of her (she is very well off). I am angry that dh is having to ask her yet I?m also pissed off with him for not just telling her outright we can?t afford it and the trip is off unless she pays for the whole thing. Dh has MS (is perfectly fine at the moment but I can?t believe she doesn?t want to do more to make sure he doesn?t get exhausted on this pissing trip that SHE dreamt up.) This whole trip was her bloody project that she isn?t really up to doing and now it is going to end up costing us money and being exhausting for dh. She probably thinks it?s my fault for not going but if I lose my 3 day break because of her selfishness I will be even more livid than I feel now.

Thanks for reading ? sorry it?s such an epic.

I think your mistake was agreeing to it in the first place. What can you do now? Hmm probably just go and make the best of it. I don't think it's fair to ask her to pay.

I have been there. Manipulated into spending a staggering amount of money when I could ill afford it, a sibling who could afford it was paid for, never did quite understand how that worked out.

Anyway, looking back I would bail out. Yes it's frustrating, yes you will get rocks, but if you can come up with a viable alternative then you might get away with it.

The reason I am supporting you is that my DD (2) is a horrendous sleeper, so bad she is slowly destroying my life as she just will NOT sleep. We agreed to go away on holiday this summer, and in may I cancelled it because I could not face the possibility of going away, being even more tired, not relaxing, tag teaming with hubby to get any sleep at all meanwhile spending out vast sums of cash! Luckily it was just at planning stage and my family went away without us, we promised them that we would join them next year and for the most part they understood.

As for your alone time? Recharge is vital. I have just taken a month unpaid and dropped DD's hours to a day a week at childcare, using the time to do the house up, write a paper, and just not be screamed at for seven hours. Could you arrange something like this for next year? Tbh if your DH and ds's go away then mil can have one, and 1-2-1 for your DH and ds2 will help I am sure.

Holidays with toddlers are not holidays. Be honest with your mil.

I don't think this was manipulation tbf

Talk about making a mountain out of a mole hill!

You simply say yes or no to your ds1 going on holiday with your mum.

If you think the holiday is too far away you simple ask her to go somewhere nearer.

You sound incredibly immature and I was quite shocked to read you're a teacher.

I´m not sure if I´ve followed this and to be sure the OP has not helped herself in anyway.. BUT

The MIL has offered to take her GS somewhere she is not capable of travelling to with him and she is also likely to have problems coping with him when they arrive.

She has agreed the responsibility is too much and wants the OP and the rest of her family to accompany the GS to the ultimate destination and stay very close by for the duration of the holiday.. half an hour away is too far.

I think I´d also be feeling manipulated frankly. I´d be postponing/cancelling in a flash. The MIL has promised something she can not deliver.

You should have just told her no thanks in the first place. It's you who has complicated matters and now blaming your MIL for it. Looks like you hoped MIL would offer to pay when you suggested the rest of you should go and now you're pissed off because she didn't.

Journey, lecce said in her third post down that her DH has rejection issues with his mother stemming from when she left the family home in his teens. He now has problems refusing her whatever she asks, so it's not surprising lecce feels frustrated about the situation.

I think that this should be the last such holiday where MIL calls all the shots, and there are plenty of sound reasons to give her to support their decision.

girlywhirly Pretty much everything you have said is spot on and I am impressed you remember my similar situation from last year! Indeed, mil does have form for sort of half paying for things she wants us to do. All I think is, "how are we going to pay for the rest/fit this in/manage it" etc etc and all dh thinks is, (I think), "Great, my mother DOES love me after all, we MUST do this, it will be great, only a fool would say no..." You are right, we do need a proper discsusion about this; the problem is I have tried and it always ends in a row .

Alarielle I certainly did not hope she would pay from the start - I hate feeling beholden to her and I agree with those upthread who suggested asking her to lend us the money might be a possible solution - there is no way we can cancel now. However, we are probably going to use the credit card.

Kuors Yes, that's pretty much just how I see it .

Journey Why are you shocked I'm a teacher - did you think they were all saintly and infalliable? I'm sorry to shatter your illusions. I'm afraid the situation is not as simple as you make it sound - did you read the parts in which I have explained how dh and I see things differently and mil is not a person who accepts, "no" easily? I am sure I have not handled things perfectly, or even particularly well, but it really wasn't that simple.

EyesDoMore Thank you for your understanding - I do think tiredness has an awful lot to do with it. Ds has slept through about 10 times in three years and I am exhausted. Even on the rare oaccasions when dh takes him away overnight, I wake up at the times he usually does. This is why I do feel I need my time alone. Dh has had a couple of weekends away since Easter, I have had none. I do not begrudge him his, but I will be resentful if I have to give up this one because of his mother.

ohanotherone If mil wanted to help out, there are so many more things she could do (none of which she ever does) other than take ds1 4.5 hours away - a trip she moreorless admitted she couldn't really do alone when dh mentioned us going down there to stay nearby - on what planet does that remotely help us out? I will ignore your teacher-bashing comment there - it really is pathetic.

kayano I probably do sound moany - I came on here to moan so that figures. I am NOT grabby - I honestly want nothing from mil. I realise that doesn't fit with my thread title but I KNOW the trip won't be cancelled and, in my mind yesterday at least, mil paying was the next best thing. Really, I don't want to go away with her or have her pay for me to go anywhere ever again. I want to focus my summer on seeing my own family who live twice as far from us as she does and who don't drive, unlike her.

People who have picked up on my resentment are right - and I do recognise I need to address that.

Thanks for ALL replies - it has made me think.