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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think mil should pay for this entire holiday or we should cancel it?

108 replies

lecce · 09/08/2012 18:31

A few months ago mil asked if she could take ds1 (5) away for a few days on her own to a destination 3.5 hours away from mil?s home and 4.5 hours away from our home. She has developed an obsession about this place after reading a book set there and, coincidentally, it also has some features related to one of ds?s main interests so he will love it.

We had reservations because, on the one occasion ds has stayed alone at her house overnight (we stayed at fil?s in the same city), she found him exhausting. She suffers from insomnia and drinks to get to sleep ? NOT to the point of passing out but just to help her nod off. This means she is very slow to get started in the morning. She also had a minor accident on the motorway recently and is not a confident driver anymore. We therefore felt that the drive would be too much and that she would be absolutely shattered after it and would struggle to cope with ds after that. He sleeps well and never runs off but talks NON-STOP.

We therefore suggested that we drive ds1 down and stay in a campsite with ds2 about 30 minutes away from where mil and ds1 will be staying. Mil was very taken with this suggestion and in fact said that she would prefer we stay nearer than that. This pissed me off. Last year we went on holiday to a place that mil chose and paid for. It was somewhere near her family and there was very little to do. We felt that she had chosen our holiday by paying for it and, of course, we still had to pay petrol and day to day expenses so we spent a fair bit of money doing something that we hadn?t chosen just to please mil. Now it feels she has manipulated us into doing something similar this year. By this time we had already booked a week?s camping for ourselves somewhere else (we did this before she ever mentioned her idea) so this would be an extra holiday we could only just afford.

Anyway, since we agreed to this we have put our house on the market and sold it - incurring solicitor?s fees and a survey for the house we are buying. In addition, an elderly aunt who I love dearly and lives over 3 hours away (nowhere near where mil is going) has had a bad fall. She and my mother usually come and visit us once a month but since the fall she has not been able to travel. I want us all to visit her but this is yet more expense and we can?t really afford to do both. Also, ds1 goes back to school on the 25th (he goes to an academy) so time is running out.

An additional complication is that I am a f/t teacher and dh always takes the dc to mil or fil?s for 3 days over the 6 week holiday so I can do some work and relax a bit. However, with ds1 now having a shorter holiday than me I don?t want to miss anymore holiday time with him so I suggested (a couple of months ago ? before the extra expenses occurred) that dh and the boys go with mil without me and I have ?my? time then. He agreed.

However, since then we have camped again and remembered how much hard work it is and dh doesn?t really want to do it alone with ds2 (very hyper 3 yo). Our tent is huge and really hard for one person to put up. Also, we have hardly any money left until I am paid (23rd) and can?t really afford to go at all (we have an emergency credit card but don?t really want to use it as moving will probably cost us and will use it to visit my aunt). Dh mentioned all this to mil and her suggestion is to lend him a smaller tent and take ds2 with her and ds1. However, if d2 sleeps badly on the first night he will have to go back to dh!

AIBU for thinking this is incredibly mean of her (she is very well off). I am angry that dh is having to ask her yet I?m also pissed off with him for not just telling her outright we can?t afford it and the trip is off unless she pays for the whole thing. Dh has MS (is perfectly fine at the moment but I can?t believe she doesn?t want to do more to make sure he doesn?t get exhausted on this pissing trip that SHE dreamt up.) This whole trip was her bloody project that she isn?t really up to doing and now it is going to end up costing us money and being exhausting for dh. She probably thinks it?s my fault for not going but if I lose my 3 day break because of her selfishness I will be even more livid than I feel now.

Thanks for reading ? sorry it?s such an epic.

OP posts:

kilmuir · 09/08/2012 18:56

I have no idea as i am thick and can notfollow the post

LeeCoakley · 09/08/2012 18:57

Are you the MiL? I can't understand otherwise. You decided that dh take the dcs on his own yet it's mil's fault that dh will be so exhausted

It's not mil's fault you've bought a house, your aunt died, you need some time to yourself, you have a big tent, dh can't cope with his own children etc etc.

I think you need to try and look at this objectively. Take it back to the original plan and work from there.

whattodoo · 09/08/2012 18:58

I don't get what she's done wrong? Is it her fault your plans have changed and you need her to fund your 'me time'?
Or am I misunderstanding completely?

Original poster

lecce · 09/08/2012 18:59

Don't know why I flagged up the alcohol thing. I don't know exactly what she does but I know she does use it to get to sleep - yes it does disturb sleep, hence her insommnia never getting better. It makes me a little uncomfortable but I'm sure she doesn't get pissed up and that ds would not be in danger. Also aware of it coming up later and being accused of drip-feeding.

Maybe I am a bit grumpy . I'm tired (ds2 still doesn't sleep well), selling the house is stressful, I'm worried about my aunt and I'm fed up with having to clash with dh over mil's schemes all the time. I do think she was unreasonable to put us (dh) in the awkward position of asking to take ds on this mammoth trip she isn't really up to. I suppose I'm just coming across like a total cow though .

No, it's not a reverse AIBU .

OP posts:

danteV · 09/08/2012 19:00

Well if your dh won't here of her being told 'no' then its your dh you are pissed off with.

danteV · 09/08/2012 19:02

Hear not here.

SoldeInvierno · 09/08/2012 19:02

If you cancel the trip now, would she loose financially? if not, just put your aunt as an excuse and cancel it. DH can go over to visit with the children at another time.

LemonBreeland · 09/08/2012 19:04

OP I remember your first thread about this and your huge reservations. YABU for letting it get this far. You should never have let it get this far in the first place. You did agree to the holiday and now you say you can't afford it. That is not your MIL fault.

ENormaSnob · 09/08/2012 19:06

I think in future you need to sort your own holidays regardless of what mil wants.

TidyDancer · 09/08/2012 19:11

Okay, have read your further posts, and I still think YABVU.

Your MIL offered to take your DS on holiday, you offered to stay close by to facilitate this. You have had things happen in the meantime which has derailed life slightly. MIL has offered a compromise, you are pissed off she hasn't offered more. That's a more succinct way of putting what I said before up thread, but you need to understand that MIL is not obligated to offer you anything! And she is certainly not the only who should be picking up a larger tab.

What you're saying is that you've had more expenses than you expected and you want your MIL's money to cover them. And you're pissed off she hasn't given you money.

Your MIL is not a bank. She does not have to give you money.

TidyDancer · 09/08/2012 19:11

only one

weird typo!

mrsmusic2 · 09/08/2012 19:19

So to sum up.

Your MIL has offered to take your DS on holiday,something he would love, but instead of letting her get on with it you say she is not capable of driving or coping with him. therefore you are pissed off.

S0 you offer to stay near them but when she suggests it could be a bit closer you are pissed off.

Then thanks to him having a shorter holiday you won't get your break, you are pissed off.

Due to extra expenses she had nothing to do with, you don't want to spend money on the camping trip you felt she forced you into, you are pissed off.

See a pattern emerging? YABU.

PicklesThePottyMouthedParrot · 09/08/2012 19:20

Mmmm it was nice of her to pay for you to go on holiday last year, generally if your paying, you get to choose. You could always have said no. That bit sounds vvvv mean.

I'm just too confused by the rest of it really but she sounds well meaning.

LIZS · 09/08/2012 19:22

Sorry still don't get, it , it should have been really easy to say no sorry ds1 is too hard work for you on your own . Can dh/ds2 not go to same place or a b & b nearby. Or make up an excuse re. ds1 and she has to choose whether to go alone. Why do you think she should pay when you are the one/s changing the goalposts ? tbh you sound a bit selfish expecting a 3 day break at no cost . Would you use the time to go and visit your aunt on your own ?

PicklesThePottyMouthedParrot · 09/08/2012 19:23

Oh I see the bit about the dh won't say no.

Still, it's a free holiday!

Insist you choose and pay for your own
Next year, if he won't say so prehaps you should.

Virgil · 09/08/2012 19:27

Hang on I remember your other thread. I thought she was drinking every night, couldn't cope with the DCs and you were worried about her driving?

You shouldn't be letting her have charge of your children

Migsy1 · 09/08/2012 19:39

Just tell her it is not possible any more due to a change in circumstances.

LIZS · 09/08/2012 19:42

ah I see from your other thread that mil would n't be going alone anyway if ds1 didn't go so presumably she would n't lose money if you cancelled him. However it is up to dh to make the final call and, given that he has gone along with this until now, it doesn't sound as if he will.

btw does ds1 really go back to school on 25th , isn't that the Saturday fo the Bank Holiday weekend ?

zipzap · 09/08/2012 19:45

Could you use the excuse of moving house and say explicitly that moving house has changed things, that it is sucking into your cash flow and so at the moment it's not feasible for you to do this holiday right now and so howabout postponing the trip until next year.

Emphasise how much better you think ds1 will be able to cope then, be better behaved, enjoy it more etc etc. That way you aren't really turning her down and saying no for now and everything else might fall into place...

travellingwilbury · 09/08/2012 19:46

It sounds like you are more pissed off that dh is bleating about having to cope with ds2 on his own to me .

Am I wrong ?

Kleptronic · 09/08/2012 19:52

What Tidy said. Twice.

What I read is 'I have made my life seem horribly complicated and I am sick to the back teeth of it and here's why it's everyone else's fault and here's who I am blaming for it'.

I think there's more seething resentment underneath all of this that you could maybe drag out from under wherever it's stashed and give it a damned good thrashing. Or airing. Or whatever it is one does with resentments. This holiday is not really the issue.

JoshLyman · 09/08/2012 19:53

The thing is, you either trust her to look after your DS properly on her own or you don't.

You've complicated the whole situation by not making that decision and hedging your bets, which has ended up being a headache for everyone.

Make a decision and then act accordingly - either cancel the whole trip or let DS go with her on his own.

DublinMammy · 09/08/2012 19:56

I think joanofarchitrave has good advice for you. If you don't want to find a way to make it pleasant/possible for everyone (including yourself) then you should cancel, citing the house-move as the reason as zipzap suggests.

danteV · 09/08/2012 19:56

My dd goes to an academy and does go back to school on a Saturday, particularly when the Monday would be a bank holiday.
Op does your academy have lessons on Saturdays?

BettySuarez · 09/08/2012 20:07

So now your MIL is scheming?

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