to think mil should pay for this entire holiday or we should cancel it?

[lecce]

A few months ago mil asked if she could take ds1 (5) away for a few days on her own to a destination 3.5 hours away from mil?s home and 4.5 hours away from our home. She has developed an obsession about this place after reading a book set there and, coincidentally, it also has some features related to one of ds?s main interests so he will love it.

We had reservations because, on the one occasion ds has stayed alone at her house overnight (we stayed at fil?s in the same city), she found him exhausting. She suffers from insomnia and drinks to get to sleep ? NOT to the point of passing out but just to help her nod off. This means she is very slow to get started in the morning. She also had a minor accident on the motorway recently and is not a confident driver anymore. We therefore felt that the drive would be too much and that she would be absolutely shattered after it and would struggle to cope with ds after that. He sleeps well and never runs off but talks NON-STOP.

We therefore suggested that we drive ds1 down and stay in a campsite with ds2 about 30 minutes away from where mil and ds1 will be staying. Mil was very taken with this suggestion and in fact said that she would prefer we stay nearer than that. This pissed me off. Last year we went on holiday to a place that mil chose and paid for. It was somewhere near her family and there was very little to do. We felt that she had chosen our holiday by paying for it and, of course, we still had to pay petrol and day to day expenses so we spent a fair bit of money doing something that we hadn?t chosen just to please mil. Now it feels she has manipulated us into doing something similar this year. By this time we had already booked a week?s camping for ourselves somewhere else (we did this before she ever mentioned her idea) so this would be an extra holiday we could only just afford.

Anyway, since we agreed to this we have put our house on the market and sold it - incurring solicitor?s fees and a survey for the house we are buying. In addition, an elderly aunt who I love dearly and lives over 3 hours away (nowhere near where mil is going) has had a bad fall. She and my mother usually come and visit us once a month but since the fall she has not been able to travel. I want us all to visit her but this is yet more expense and we can?t really afford to do both. Also, ds1 goes back to school on the 25th (he goes to an academy) so time is running out.

An additional complication is that I am a f/t teacher and dh always takes the dc to mil or fil?s for 3 days over the 6 week holiday so I can do some work and relax a bit. However, with ds1 now having a shorter holiday than me I don?t want to miss anymore holiday time with him so I suggested (a couple of months ago ? before the extra expenses occurred) that dh and the boys go with mil without me and I have ?my? time then. He agreed.

However, since then we have camped again and remembered how much hard work it is and dh doesn?t really want to do it alone with ds2 (very hyper 3 yo). Our tent is huge and really hard for one person to put up. Also, we have hardly any money left until I am paid (23rd) and can?t really afford to go at all (we have an emergency credit card but don?t really want to use it as moving will probably cost us and will use it to visit my aunt). Dh mentioned all this to mil and her suggestion is to lend him a smaller tent and take ds2 with her and ds1. However, if d2 sleeps badly on the first night he will have to go back to dh!

AIBU for thinking this is incredibly mean of her (she is very well off). I am angry that dh is having to ask her yet I?m also pissed off with him for not just telling her outright we can?t afford it and the trip is off unless she pays for the whole thing. Dh has MS (is perfectly fine at the moment but I can?t believe she doesn?t want to do more to make sure he doesn?t get exhausted on this pissing trip that SHE dreamt up.) This whole trip was her bloody project that she isn?t really up to doing and now it is going to end up costing us money and being exhausting for dh. She probably thinks it?s my fault for not going but if I lose my 3 day break because of her selfishness I will be even more livid than I feel now.

Thanks for reading ? sorry it?s such an epic.

X post with JustGettingBy!

@ tiddly great minds....

Can they get the train there? Then there is no driving? If you just feel uneasy about it all just say no, it's all too much, sorry.

I wouldn't trust my DC's with their MIL or my mother because they wouldn't cope and they wouldn't be safe (any of them). Clearly if that is the case then it doesn't matter if the DS is 30 mins away or 5 mins away. If she can't cope then they are not safe. If your DH is too spineless to step up and keep his children safe then you need to stop being polite and safeguard your own children.

Also, in my 20 years as an Occupational Therapist I have noted that sometimes, some people with MS have a lack of risk perception and awareness. I think there evidence to back this observation up but I can't remember where I read the research. So if you really think the DS will be unsafe then you need to think about whether your DH can assess the risk properly. Otherwise are you just stressed out and being a bit weird???

Lecce, forgive me, but you really don't seem to get it!

Believe me, I sympathise about gifts that are really just ways of controlling other people, but I don't think you can blame your MIL for this one. All she did was offer to take your ds1 on her trip. Surely she could go on her own, she doesn't need him to go with her, does she? In fact looking after a 5yr old will prob take up most of her time and detract from her enjoyment of this place she is desperate to see - so how is her invitation to ds1 an example of her controlling everyone or using her money to get her own way? She prob thinks she is doing you a favour by taking one of your kids for a few days when she could have easily gone alone.

And by your own account you (and your dh) are entirely responsible for all the complications. You agreed to her taking ds1, then changed your minds, then asked if ds2 and dh could kind of tag along (partly so you could have a little me-time, remember), then decided this wouldn't do after all, then realised you couldn't afford it....which part of that is your MIL's fault? Seriously, I'll bet she's totally regretting even suggesting the hol with all these complications.

You shouldn't have agreed to ds1 going if she can't drive him, can't look after him (being too tired to deal with him counts as this), doesn't sleep and drinks too much. It was silly to suggest dh and ds2 half tagging along - if you're genuinely worried you should have just cancelled. I assume your dh agrees now with your concerns if he agreed to drive and tag along? Your concerns about money, your aunt and your me-time are nothing whatsoever to do with your MIL, yet you continue to blame her for it all? Obv circumstances can change and what seemed like an ok idea can end up being an annoyance or an expense, but it's not your MIL's fault!

I think you are still annoyed by last year's hol (which does sound like MIL's fault!) and resentful that your MIL as you perceive it has plenty of money while you do not. You can afford to own a house, have a hol and have one parent stay home, so you obv aren't doing too badly you know. Your MIL is under no obligation to pay for you all to traipse along on this hol. And if your dh is a sahd, why do you need everyone away overnight so you can do a bit of planning? It's not like you'll have the kids at home by yourself (although I know plenty of teachers who do precisely this and still manage to plan) . Make your own arrangements and pay for it yourself, or else cancel the whole thing. YAB totally U, sorry.

I think the only thing to do is give up on the idea of this 3 days of alone time- it is a luxury you can't afford. Then just suck it up, make the most of the holiday, and learn from this to make sure it doesn"t happen again!

I get that cancelling would be the best option and I know I sound awful but dh won't hear of cancelling because he would find it impossible to tell her.

This is the real problem in a nutshell. Logistical issues aside (which in themselves would have made me say no even though dc are much older) . You acquiesced in the first place despite your misgivings, so it was a joint decision to agree even if by default on your part. You therefore cannot absolve yourself of all responsibility to try to make this work. Presumably dh is still willing to go along regardless, whinging aside, but you seem to be the one putting obstacles in the way. We're not talking vast costs in the scheme of things for you all to go, but even if she paid I doubt you'd be happy with the arrangement.

Gah, these threads are tiresome.

-AIBU?
-Yeah, YABU.
-No I'm not!!

• Yeah, you really really are BVU.

-No, I'm not I'm not I'm not!

KenLeeeeeee - ditto!! Just about say this exactly!!!

Your OP is all about you, you, you.

I don't think your MIL is being selfish.

I also think you should pay for your own holiday.

Personal choice - ignoring all the money issues - I wouldn't let someone with issues like that relating to alcohol & sleep look after my child.

Sorry.

You know, I think I remember your thread last year. MIL has form for having ideas for trips that she thinks will be wonderful for her and DS1 and get you into difficulty financially, because neither you or DH will refuse her.

I am wondering whether you with DH and DC could stay for 2-3 days at the destination, with MIL at wherever she is staying or just DH and DC, she can drive herself there and stay as long as she wants. This would minimise the risks on all counts as you would be in charge of the DC and drive them yourselves. Use the emergency credit card if you have to.

I am concerned that she is, in the future, going to favour DS1 over DS2, and that he will then miss out. Will she be offering DS2 a holiday on his own with her when he is older? I doubt she would have both DC together. I am also concerned that when she tries this again next year, DS1 will be 6 and possibly more challenging to cope with. You've said that she has found him tiring before. You also said he talks non-stop which would be a serious distraction to a nervous driver.

I think you and DH need to get a plan of action together to deal with MIL. Never say a firm yes to any holiday requests from her until you have discussed the logistics and finances thoroughly between you, never allow her to change your plans or her own to suit herself, and actually, if you are not both in complete agreement about the holiday you should say no. It worries me that she will try to get DH to agree to something and get it booked so that you then look the bad guy if you refuse.

I do think you need to raise the concerns you have with MIL, especially about looking after the DC, but also about the financial situation she puts you in whenever she has one of these bright holiday ideas. Do lay it on about the house move and so on.

You've shown her what a considerate DIL you are letting her have time with the DC, but now you need to protect their interests as well as your own. And who knows, she might respect you even more for standing up to her. She will still see the DGC a few times a year as usual, it's not like your cutting her off altogether!

Kenleeeeee Well no one has convinced me I am, sorry...

Claire I have paid for my own holiday and never ased to be in this situation - have you read my posts?

Meant to add, YABU to expect MIL to pay for this holiday.

YANBU to refuse any further holidays if they are too expensive/risky for your DC/not what you want to do/have no time to fit it in due to other reasons, MIL changes arrangements to suit herself etc. If DH won't do this, why can't you? Someone has to, if only for the sake of your DC's safety, and also your marriage, which will suffer if this situation continues year after year. I can hear the resentment already in your posts.

can you be specific about how your MIL is being unreasonable?

The whole thing sounds ridiculous. MIL should not have offered to take DS if she struggled with him before. You should have put your foot down at the outset and said no.

Op, I have tried to understand your post but obviously failed. The " woe is me"" is what stood out.

As to your defense of paying for your holidays, have you had a look at the thread title?

I didn't grow up with grandparents, and we live 500/3000 miles from GFs. Count the relationship that your DCs have with GPs as a blessing. It's a relationship that is unique but so time-limited.

Look for ways of facilitating the situation instead of feeling victimised. I am sure there are many solutions if you open your mind and open your heart.

"KenLeeeeeeeFri 10-Aug-12 08:13:19
Gah, these threads are tiresome.

-AIBU?
-Yeah, YABU.
-No I'm not!!

• Yeah, you really really are BVU.

-No, I'm not I'm not I'm not! "

Got it in one. YABU.
Even down to the little passive aggressive comment about ds2 being more interesting as if she's said he isnt interesting enough to take along.le reasons

I think you're sounding very spoilt, despite your mil clearly not being perfect i still feel sorry for her. She wanted to take you son somewhere he would love. You said yes. Then you are changing plans left right and centre, some for feasible reasons, some sound like youre just looking for reasons to moan. Ie i want 3 days to myself/ I will miss out on time with ds- err cant have it all ways!

You pay for your own holidays.

So grabby and moany. It was your idea to go in the first place! Petty and YOUR fault

just don't understand how the MIl has done anything wrong - asked to take DS away - you were concerned about how she would cope so suggested you go as well somewhere nearby - understand that you're peeved she then suggested that you be more nearby than you had originally planned.

A number of normal life events have subsequently happened and you now wish you hadn't agreed to the plans. But you did! Can't see how your MIL is doing anything other than taking her GS away on a trip that you agreed to?

Your financial circs have now changed and I guess you now want MIL to pay for your campsite, petrol and 'spending money' - tbh its grabby and unpleasant. That was not part of the arrangement when the plans were made and its late in the day to expect that now.

next time - if you don't want DS to go somehwere - say no politely. if your dh wants to say yes - thats an issue for the both of you to sort out not your mil's fault.

You still have not said what your MIL has done wrong????

I think (in op's eyes) mil "has been unreasonable" in planning a trip which is overreaching her capabilities and thereby inadvertently putting the family under an obligation to enable it, which now op resents. However as neither op nor dh (who is after all the nearer relation) were prepared to point this out to her at the first opportunity, take control or veto it, mil has merrily gone ahead. The onus is firmly on them to agree how to proceed, not mil who after all will not have had any say in how much has gone towards their house purchase, removals or recent holiday in the interim.

I think you either need to cancel it or go along with it an take it on the chin.

It probably is not the big deal you are building it up to be. Sometimes when we are stressed - and you have lots of reasons to be stressed, including house move, ill DH and aunt, and a limited income - we build up small problems to be massive ones.

I think you will just have to put on a brave face and get on with it all. I'm sure the kids will like it and your MIL does sound like she cares about your family.

So MIL decides to help her son out, you know, the son with the neurological illness, who cares for his 3 ad 5 year old children, by taking away his 5 year old for a few days and also giving her DIL time to herself as she works full time [cough...actually 38 weeks of the year] EVEN though she knows she will struggle to cope him him but she does this because she loves her son and GS and WANTS to help out.....

........................and just how is she the bad one in this scenario??????

If you see your only options as MIL pays all or cancel then just get on with it and cancel. You'll have to tell your MIL yourself though.