to think mil should pay for this entire holiday or we should cancel it?

[lecce]

A few months ago mil asked if she could take ds1 (5) away for a few days on her own to a destination 3.5 hours away from mil?s home and 4.5 hours away from our home. She has developed an obsession about this place after reading a book set there and, coincidentally, it also has some features related to one of ds?s main interests so he will love it.

We had reservations because, on the one occasion ds has stayed alone at her house overnight (we stayed at fil?s in the same city), she found him exhausting. She suffers from insomnia and drinks to get to sleep ? NOT to the point of passing out but just to help her nod off. This means she is very slow to get started in the morning. She also had a minor accident on the motorway recently and is not a confident driver anymore. We therefore felt that the drive would be too much and that she would be absolutely shattered after it and would struggle to cope with ds after that. He sleeps well and never runs off but talks NON-STOP.

We therefore suggested that we drive ds1 down and stay in a campsite with ds2 about 30 minutes away from where mil and ds1 will be staying. Mil was very taken with this suggestion and in fact said that she would prefer we stay nearer than that. This pissed me off. Last year we went on holiday to a place that mil chose and paid for. It was somewhere near her family and there was very little to do. We felt that she had chosen our holiday by paying for it and, of course, we still had to pay petrol and day to day expenses so we spent a fair bit of money doing something that we hadn?t chosen just to please mil. Now it feels she has manipulated us into doing something similar this year. By this time we had already booked a week?s camping for ourselves somewhere else (we did this before she ever mentioned her idea) so this would be an extra holiday we could only just afford.

Anyway, since we agreed to this we have put our house on the market and sold it - incurring solicitor?s fees and a survey for the house we are buying. In addition, an elderly aunt who I love dearly and lives over 3 hours away (nowhere near where mil is going) has had a bad fall. She and my mother usually come and visit us once a month but since the fall she has not been able to travel. I want us all to visit her but this is yet more expense and we can?t really afford to do both. Also, ds1 goes back to school on the 25th (he goes to an academy) so time is running out.

An additional complication is that I am a f/t teacher and dh always takes the dc to mil or fil?s for 3 days over the 6 week holiday so I can do some work and relax a bit. However, with ds1 now having a shorter holiday than me I don?t want to miss anymore holiday time with him so I suggested (a couple of months ago ? before the extra expenses occurred) that dh and the boys go with mil without me and I have ?my? time then. He agreed.

However, since then we have camped again and remembered how much hard work it is and dh doesn?t really want to do it alone with ds2 (very hyper 3 yo). Our tent is huge and really hard for one person to put up. Also, we have hardly any money left until I am paid (23rd) and can?t really afford to go at all (we have an emergency credit card but don?t really want to use it as moving will probably cost us and will use it to visit my aunt). Dh mentioned all this to mil and her suggestion is to lend him a smaller tent and take ds2 with her and ds1. However, if d2 sleeps badly on the first night he will have to go back to dh!

AIBU for thinking this is incredibly mean of her (she is very well off). I am angry that dh is having to ask her yet I?m also pissed off with him for not just telling her outright we can?t afford it and the trip is off unless she pays for the whole thing. Dh has MS (is perfectly fine at the moment but I can?t believe she doesn?t want to do more to make sure he doesn?t get exhausted on this pissing trip that SHE dreamt up.) This whole trip was her bloody project that she isn?t really up to doing and now it is going to end up costing us money and being exhausting for dh. She probably thinks it?s my fault for not going but if I lose my 3 day break because of her selfishness I will be even more livid than I feel now.

Thanks for reading ? sorry it?s such an epic.

I don't think it's fair to say that I have made my own life horribly complicated - mil is the one who suggested this trip - 4.5 hours away from where I live and 3.5 hours from where she lives when she knows she will struggle with the driving - why is that my fault? Why could she not take him somewhere nearer, or have him at her house for a couple of days? The complication has arisen because I have to consider dh's views and wishes as well as my own. I would have said 'no' outright had it just been my decision but it wasn't. Not sure why I have to be flamed for that?

It is not as simple as saying I either trust her or I don't - the circumsatances surrounding the trip obviously affect this. The mammoth drive worries me as it will make her more tired than she will be anyway and she is not a confident driver. That is why we eliminated the driving issue but now we can't really afford to go. She will probably lose a deposit if we cancel outright and be massively disappointed, feel we should have said earlier (we probably should) etc. I just feel that as she could pay, in these circumstances, it would be easier for everyone, including her, if she paid.

Yes, next year I will have to be a lot firmer and clearer, but it's not that easy when your dh wants something else. Btw, I am annoyed with him for not standing up to mil and not in the least annoyed that he doesn't particularly want to camp with ds2 - he can cope with his own children (someone upthread charmingly stated he couldn't) and is a great sahd. The problems come from his relationship with his mother.

Seems no one on here has been on the receiving end of someone and their manipulative 'gifts' that are really for them...

You really don't think YABU, do you?

I just think you got to deal
With it this year, and be firm next year. If needs be you say no, think of something you'd like to do and book early. This might not be as annoying if it's not annual.

I think you might not have explained yourself well in the op, and not meaning this to sound horrible if you don't want to go the issue should not be with her paying for all of it, though I can see that softening the blow it sounds a bit wrong?

Oh I have. I understand that bit entirely, it is precisely what my mum would do. Has done. And it finally broke our family up. I will never speak with my parents and sister again, after what they did.

But, irrespective of everything else you have said, there is absolutely no way, at that age, I would have allowed either of my DDs to stay overnight with someone who drinks in order to sleep.

I would also be very uncomfortable with them being driven by that person, given what you have said.

Lol at how UR you are being

None of this is your MILs fault AT ALL
She even offered solutions to take ds2 to try and help out

bloody hell

She asked to take him, you said yes. It's as simple as that. You could have said 'go somewhere closer or no'

Then you added loads of conditions and suggested going to, then changing things again so you didn't go, then blaming mil for wanting to I in the first place.

YOU SAID YES, she can only ask

Ha! Just noticed I win at the summing up post.

Haven't read the rest of it yet. Shall report back as to your reasonableness.

So because your mil suggests something (and compromises) its her fault that you agreed, changed the goalposts and are now unhappy? Really?

Must remember when I am a mil not to suggest something I think would be nice. Just invade dil agrees then hates me for it, or expects me to pay for a holiday 2 years running.

Dante don't be disheartened. It isn't ALWAYs MiLs fault!

Did you not know about her alcohol habit? I drink a fair bit, most nights even, i probably drink too much, a couple of glasses of wine, sometimes more - it never effects me "getting started" in the morning, i would suggest she drinks a fair bit and you are now back tracking on that. If you didn't want her to take him, then why not say so in the first place, for all the reasons you suggested. Why can you not all go to the same place, why does it have to be such a performance?

Yep I get what you mean about the manipulative gifts that are really for them. However, I stand by my original point that as you suggested you guys stayed nearby, as a compromise because of your concerns, that this aspect of your holiday is not your MILs responsibility.

Would it really bother you if you asked MIL to pay for it on the understanding that you will pay her back? If it would, then you know that what's really nagging at you here is her behaviour last year and this re: holidays, and not the financial strain it's putting you under. If what you really want is for her to pay for it in order to appease your own sense of injustice that she's played you again then YABU. Because what you should have done is told her no, sorry, not possible.

Hope that makes sense. Have just taken some very strong pain medicine so this could all be waffle

So, let me get this straight, you have added all the extra conditions etc, because you are worried about the drive (well i woudlnt let anyone apart from my DP drive my DD so im with you on that one - it would have been my reason for a big fat no in the first instance). You now realise you can't afford it. If you genuinely can't afford it, then ask her to pay for it - if she is as generous as she sounds then there isn't a problem and you can look for something else to feel sorry for yourself over.

Oh ffs, I don't expect her to pay for a holiday 2 years running. I didn't want to go on the holiday last year at all - she offered to pay and it was a kind of, "I'm paying, why would you possibly say no?" situation. I am tired of being told (by dh for example) that I'm not grateful enough for things I didn't ask for and don't want. She wanted to pay for it so that we'd have to go.

I don't want her to pay for my holiday this year. I've just come back from my holiday and I paid for it. The trip with mil is an extra that is a kind of compromise to allow her to do something that she wants to do but isn't really capable of. My need to please dh as well as myself is where it has come from.
She didn't just "think it would be nice" she got a bee in her bonnet about the place after reading a book and created this situation which I am now stuck in.

I get that cancelling would be the best option and I know I sound awful but dh won't hear of cancelling because he would find it impossible to tell her.

She sounds lonely :(

Yes, she is a poor lonely ltle thing and I am a completely heartless bitch . She may be lonely but she has a wide circle of friends and is still a semi-active academic (if that makes sense). She has a very busy life, not an empty one which she looks to us to fill. Maybe she keeps wanting to do stuff with ds becasue she did very little with dh when he was younger - who knows?

And she doesn't see me as an evil dil (because I am a good actress ).I not come across to her as I seem to be on here. In fact, last year she thanked me for all the stuff I let her do with ds and told me she has friends with horrible dils who do not allow them to do anything.

Thanks kayano, ds is only 17 months and I am crapping myself thinking of the day he announced he is engaged.

I wouldnt say you were heartless, lecce. Self absorbed and duplicitous maybe, but not heartless.

FWIW i do agree with you about the manipulative gifts, but its a shame really that she has to buy time with her grandchildren. Does it matter if she wasn't mother of the century, your DS will get alot from having granny active in her life.

But what you don't seem to grasp, Is that YOU offered and then YOU changed the goal posts.

Do you think MIL might pay for DH and DS2 to stay at the accom with her?

Your DH could offer to drive and they could have a few days of Grandma/dad/son time.

You could then stay home or visit your auntie.

I think that you shouldn't have agreed for her to take your DS1 away if she needed you so near. Either you all go away together or she takes responsibility for him.

But you agreed to something and now are changing your mind... so YABU.

OP - would suggesting postponing rather than cancelling the trip be an option? It might make it easier for your DH to speak to MIL and prevent her losing money?

Under the circumstances, I can totally understand your reasons for not wanting to go, and it seems like many of the issues have occurred since you initially agreed to the idea.

I can also appreciate that you must feel pretty trapped by the situation and I know all about the 'forced gifts' and how it can make you feel manipulated although I don't think you have been in this scenario.

I don't think your MIL paying for the trip will help either - it will only set a precedent that you will go along with what she wants if she pays, and make you feel even more beholden to her.

Has your DH had any counselling re his childhood and their relationship as it strikes me that is really what is at the heart of the problem.

Is your DH up to driving himself, MIL and the DSs there (with his MS)?

If so, get him to go with the boys, stay in the same B&B as MIL and hope she settles the bill. If not he needs to use emergency credit card.

Yes, I do realise that ds1 (hopefully ds2 will be on the receiving end of some of this stuff too when he's older/more interesting ) gets a lot from the relationship and that is why I generally don't stand in the way and have facilitated this trip despite it's not really being a very good idea. She doesn't have to buy her time with him - we visit each other several times a year - usually dh and the boys go to her so it's not one-sided, I don't think.