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AIBU?

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Original poster

to hand in my letter of resignation?

96 replies

bushymcbush · 07/08/2012 22:19

I'm nervous about posting this - think I'm likely to get eaten alive on this one.

I have two DC, a 4yo about to start school and a 5month old baby. I'm on mat leave from my full time teaching job, due to go back by end of Feb at the latest.

When I had my first dc, I had the full year off on mat leave. I wanted to become a SAHM but I went back to work part time (was lucky my school was able to accommodate my request) as my DH was only working part time too, so we needed the money.

After a year (during which DC1 hated being dropped off at the childminder - never ever got used to it) DH's work dwindled to next to nothing. We took a decision for him to become a SAHD and me to go back full time to support the family. DC1 was much happier at home. DH wasn't particularly fulfilled but was happy to be doing his bit, iyswim. I managed ok, was glad DC1 was with her dad during the day, but wished it was me with her especially as I thought I would do a better job than him.

This arrangement lasted for 18 months, until DC2 was born 5 months ago. She was premature and is still very 'young' and small - nothing like a 5 month old. My desire to be a SAHM is even stronger than before, because my baby is still such a baby. She is exclusively bf and I doubt she will be taking a lot of solids by the time I am due to go back to work.

I have talked to DH about resigning from my job to be a SAHM and he responds very positively in theory. Trouble is, he doesn't have a job and he is doing almost nothing about getting one. He has applied for 3 jobs in 5 months. Believe me, I have tried talking to him about this but it's like banging my head against a brick wall.

In teaching, you are expected to give a full term's notice when you resign. That means I really ought to be giving in my resignation in September. But how can I resign when I'm the only adult in our household with a proper job? On the other hand, if I don't resign, I'll be obliged to go back to work at the end of my leave and DH won't have to pull his finger out. If I do resign, perhaps he will pull his finger out.

Don't know what to do for the best.

OP posts:
GnocchiNineDoors · 07/08/2012 22:22

Why should he work so you dont have to?

MamaMary · 07/08/2012 22:22

I understand how you feel, but I don't think you should resign when your DH is unemployed.

Why do you think he isn't really trying to get a job?

HexagonalQueenOfEveything · 07/08/2012 22:24

I don't think you should resign at all. How much longer are you able to take off?

whathasthecatdonenow · 07/08/2012 22:25

You have until October 31st to resign to leave at Christmas if you work in a state school.

ecclesvet · 07/08/2012 22:28

Why should he be applying for jobs? He already has a job, which is to be a stay-at-home parent. I think you're straying into quite sexist areas, very "mums are primary parents" stuff.

I think realistically you are the WOHP, and he is the SAHP. You shouldn't cut off the family income by resigning until he has has secured an alternative.

BlueBirdsNest · 07/08/2012 22:28

would you feel happy resigning?

If you would go for it

but if your husband isn't working will you be ok for money?

Original poster
bushymcbush · 07/08/2012 22:28

Why should he work so you dont have to?

I consider SAHP as work. Unfortunately, it's not paid work.

OP posts:
FeakAndWeeble · 07/08/2012 22:30

Does he want to be a SAHD or is he just being lazy re applying for jobs?

If it's the former than that's something the two of you need to talk about between yourselves and no one's advice here is going to help.

But if it's the latter, then talk to him again and help him look and apply for tihngs he's interested in. DH is always useless at job hunting but very good when we do it together, he just needs that extra push support.

FeakAndWeeble · 07/08/2012 22:31

I can't quite see how the OP wishing to be at home with her children makes her a sexist Hmm

MushroomSoup · 07/08/2012 22:31

If you're not due back until Feb (presumably after Feb half term?), you don't need to resign until Xmas.
So that gives him 4 months...

LindyHemming · 07/08/2012 22:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GnocchiNineDoors · 07/08/2012 22:32

When I used the word work I mean "why should he seek paid employment so that you do not have to undertake paid employment". Work in the "employed" meaning not the general terms. I would have thought that was clear.

Obviously not.

firemansamisnormansdad · 07/08/2012 22:32

Do you not want to go back because you want to stay at home or is it because you don't like your job? Beware resigning for the wrong reasons as there might not be another job again as teachers are being made redundant. Or is the real reason because you're fed up with DH dossing around sponging off you?

Original poster
bushymcbush · 07/08/2012 22:33

He wants to work and support the family. He doesn't know what he wants to do and feels a bit in limbo with his career. I personally don't think that's a reason to not apply for jobs.

OP posts:
PicklesThePottyMouthedParrot · 07/08/2012 22:34

What does he do? Is it a profession with plenty of work?

Aboutlastnight · 07/08/2012 22:36

Bushy

I think you have two issues here. First is you want to spend more time with your children. Second is that you don't feel your husband is pulling his weight.

I don't think you should sacrifice your familiy's financial security, it's too important. Really, I have been in the position of not being able to pay bills, buy the kids shoes, no winter coat for me or DP etc etc it is terribly stressful.

In your position I would keep you job bit talk seriously to your husband about the future and what you both want. Have a plan. Consider going part time when he gets a job.

Having no money is utterly miserable.

FeakAndWeeble · 07/08/2012 22:36

I don't really know what you want from this thread OP. Personally I don't see anything unreasonable in your wanting to be a SAHM, particularly if your partner agrees that that's the ideal. If he's failing to actually do anything about it though then that's something you need to have out with him. Tell him he's being a lazy twunt and to start applying. If he's unwilling to do 'anything' and wants to wait until he knows what he'd like to do career-wise then there's not much you can do but suck it up and go back to work in February.

HexagonalQueenOfEveything · 07/08/2012 22:36

Does he take his SAH role seriously or does he just do it as its an easy ride?

mumnotmachine · 07/08/2012 22:36

Does he realise hes meant to have been applying for jobs?
As stupid as that sounds, unless my hubby was given a definitive "I want to be the one at home now so you need to find a job" he wouldnt be looking

whathasthecatdonenow · 07/08/2012 22:36

If you're not due back until Feb (presumably after Feb half term?), you don't need to resign until Xmas.
So that gives him 4 months..

This isn't the case in the state sector unless you negotiate with the head. You can only resign by 31st Oct, 28/9 Feb, 31st May to leave at the end of the term, not at half terms.

Original poster
bushymcbush · 07/08/2012 22:36

Do you not want to go back because you want to stay at home or is it because you don't like your job?

I do like my job actually. I'm perfectly happy to go back to work when my DC are a bit older. I want to be at home with my (very tiny) DD.

OP posts:
mumnotmachine · 07/08/2012 22:37

But hes not being unwilling- his job is SAHP!

andallthatjargon · 07/08/2012 22:37

what I would like to know is does he do all the housework / cooking and cleaning?

savoycabbage · 07/08/2012 22:37

You shouldn't resign as a motivator for him to get a job if that's what you mean.

I completely understand that you want to be the one at home with the children, but you have to work towards the 'switch' as a team.

Gumby · 07/08/2012 22:41

It's one for you & dh to work out not us
But you'd be crazy to resign if he hasnt got a job

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