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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to hand in my letter of resignation?

96 replies

bushymcbush · 07/08/2012 22:19

I'm nervous about posting this - think I'm likely to get eaten alive on this one.

I have two DC, a 4yo about to start school and a 5month old baby. I'm on mat leave from my full time teaching job, due to go back by end of Feb at the latest.

When I had my first dc, I had the full year off on mat leave. I wanted to become a SAHM but I went back to work part time (was lucky my school was able to accommodate my request) as my DH was only working part time too, so we needed the money.

After a year (during which DC1 hated being dropped off at the childminder - never ever got used to it) DH's work dwindled to next to nothing. We took a decision for him to become a SAHD and me to go back full time to support the family. DC1 was much happier at home. DH wasn't particularly fulfilled but was happy to be doing his bit, iyswim. I managed ok, was glad DC1 was with her dad during the day, but wished it was me with her especially as I thought I would do a better job than him.

This arrangement lasted for 18 months, until DC2 was born 5 months ago. She was premature and is still very 'young' and small - nothing like a 5 month old. My desire to be a SAHM is even stronger than before, because my baby is still such a baby. She is exclusively bf and I doubt she will be taking a lot of solids by the time I am due to go back to work.

I have talked to DH about resigning from my job to be a SAHM and he responds very positively in theory. Trouble is, he doesn't have a job and he is doing almost nothing about getting one. He has applied for 3 jobs in 5 months. Believe me, I have tried talking to him about this but it's like banging my head against a brick wall.

In teaching, you are expected to give a full term's notice when you resign. That means I really ought to be giving in my resignation in September. But how can I resign when I'm the only adult in our household with a proper job? On the other hand, if I don't resign, I'll be obliged to go back to work at the end of my leave and DH won't have to pull his finger out. If I do resign, perhaps he will pull his finger out.

Don't know what to do for the best.

OP posts:

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 08/08/2012 18:39

I would have liked to stay home with the children but I earn considerably more than DH and have a career whereas he had a job. Head had to win over heart in the end and DH is the SAHP. We could have managed on DH's wage but on my wage we are comfortable and can afford a house and holidays etc. I had to weigh up whether me pushing to be the one who stayed at home was really justified when it would have meant other cut backs for the family. We are lucky that we can afford for one parent to stay home not all families have that choice.

janey68 · 08/08/2012 18:45

Read the part of the op which shes crossed through- that kind of implies sexism- she thinks she would make a better job of being at home than he does.
Also there were comments further into the thread which are really sexist, saying basically that mums have more of a right than dads to not work and stay home.

I can guarantee you if any bloke wrote on MN that he was thinking of resigning as a way of kicking his stay at home wife up the arse to get her into a job, there would be total uproar. He'd be denounced as abusive, oh and there would be the usual response that 'she's already got a job', because apparently being at home with young children is a full time job, impossible even to fit a bit of housework in - IF you're a woman of course. If you're a stay at home dad, then apparently it's not really work,, you should get your arse into gear and go and do a real job.

TantrumsAndOlympicGoldBalloons · 08/08/2012 18:47

Or the part that said he should be made to get a job because he is not doing all the housework? When the SAHM song on mumsnet is "it's my job to look after the children. If I feel like doing a bit of housework I will but DH has no right to complain if I dont"

That's sexist, double standard BS

PicklesThePottyMouthedParrot · 08/08/2012 18:50

She gives the impression he wants to work though. She isn't demanding he does so, he is just being slow at finding a job.

Dosent say anywhere he objects as far as I can see.

TantrumsAndOlympicGoldBalloons · 08/08/2012 18:52

But how can he pro actively get a job if it's been agreed he is the SAHP Aand the op has a full time job?

maybenow · 08/08/2012 18:54

i think you'd be crazy to resign until / unless your dh actually secures a new job - the job market is pretty stagnant right now, and it's not fair to expect him to apply for any old rubbish just because you'd prefer to sahp.
have you talked seriously with him about how many jobs he's seen to apply for and what he's doing career-wise? if he hasn't applied for many it might be there aren't many out there so if you resign then you'll be screwed.

as a teacher with a job i think you have to go back to it until/unless your dh can find a job for the sake of your whole family.

janey68 · 08/08/2012 18:55

I Suspect if he were really keen to work, he'd be putting in more job applications. Maybe he's more satisfied at home than it suits her to believe!
Bottom line is: until he gets a job, she is being totally unreasonable to even think of resigning. Fair enough to tell him how she feels and that she'd like them BOTH to have some time at home, and move heaven and earth to both work part time again, but it has to be negotiated. The deal right now is that she works, he stays home. You renegotiate if you're not happy- not pull some sort of unilateral stunt on your partner.

PicklesThePottyMouthedParrot · 08/08/2012 18:55

He responds positively in theory to finding a job. He only did it on the first place as his work dwindled and he did his bit.

It's all right there in the op.

Don't know why you all have this poor chap being dragged around job centres by his ankles!!

PicklesThePottyMouthedParrot · 08/08/2012 18:56

Yes she can't resign can she, but if he wants to stay at home he should tell her! Not just not get a job.

Aboutlastnight · 08/08/2012 18:56

Could he just get a job, any job? He will then have an income while he decides what he really wants to do and perhaps op, you could drop to part time to cover days when he is working?

Or he could work nights/weekends/evenings? I gave a ' job' which lays te bills. I also studying for a second degree and new career ( although sometimes I feel the walls closing in and ferl afraid thatmy future will be call centre work on nightshift)

domesticslattern · 08/08/2012 18:57

While we're talking about cold hard cash, won't you also have to repay some of your maternity pay if you don't go back to work? Would be a sizable sum in my industry.

TantrumsAndOlympicGoldBalloons · 08/08/2012 18:58

Because they agreed together he would be the SAHP. now the op has changed her mind because she wants to stay at home, she would do a better job and he doesn't keep on top of the housework.
Can you imagine if a man wrote that?

Also she is talking about quitting her job, leaving the family with no income in the hope it will force him to go and get any job.
Imagine if a man wrote that?

PicklesThePottyMouthedParrot · 08/08/2012 19:01

She said she has talked to him and he has reacted positively!

That's the thing.

So they have agreed.

I just can't see the big problem. If he wants to stay home he needs to say so.

PicklesThePottyMouthedParrot · 08/08/2012 19:02

She was only asking about quitting as she needs a terms notice and was hopeful that he would find a job I the interim, like he agreed to when the discussed it!

Of course she can't really can she but that was the actual question.

littlepie · 08/08/2012 19:09

OP, I'm not sure but I think resignation after mat leave is slightly different in that you don't have to give notice at the standard times-check with your union. This would give you more time to reach a decision.

Don't forget that if you do resign and don't go back for 13 weeks you may have to pay back occupational maternity leave.

Another option- could you reduce your hours further, even just for a year until DD is older? It might be worth talking to your HT to see if there are any options.

HoleyGhost · 08/08/2012 19:13

You've had a tough time with your dd being prem. Under the circs it is nartural to be very protective.

Don't hand in your notice yet. If you decide not to go back, the notice period won't matter - though you should give some.

There are now too many teachers chasing too few jobs. They won't have a problem replacing you. After a few years as a SAHM, your teaching career will be over. Do you want to work again?

alphabite · 08/08/2012 19:16

you won't need to hand your notice in until October 31st which gives your husband time to be looking.

PicklesThePottyMouthedParrot · 08/08/2012 19:44

Thats a good point on the maternity pay as well bushy you need to make sure that won't need paying back.

StuntGirl · 08/08/2012 20:01

YWBU, but then you already know that.

Grown up discussion time with your husband I think.

puffinnuffin · 08/08/2012 20:55

Speaking as a teacher I think I would try and go part time if possible and get DH to try and find some sort of job either part time/weekends/evenings. It is easier to expand your role in a school as your DC grows but not so easy if having to start all over again from scratch (particularly if the curriculum keeps changing).

glenthebattleostrich · 08/08/2012 21:25

OP has your DH tried temping whilst you are on maternity leave? I've got most of my jobs that way. It will also get him into the habit of leaving the house to go to (paid) work each day and might remotivate him. It may also give him a chance of finding something he enjoys.

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