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AIBU?

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Original poster

to hand in my letter of resignation?

96 replies

bushymcbush · 07/08/2012 22:19

I'm nervous about posting this - think I'm likely to get eaten alive on this one.

I have two DC, a 4yo about to start school and a 5month old baby. I'm on mat leave from my full time teaching job, due to go back by end of Feb at the latest.

When I had my first dc, I had the full year off on mat leave. I wanted to become a SAHM but I went back to work part time (was lucky my school was able to accommodate my request) as my DH was only working part time too, so we needed the money.

After a year (during which DC1 hated being dropped off at the childminder - never ever got used to it) DH's work dwindled to next to nothing. We took a decision for him to become a SAHD and me to go back full time to support the family. DC1 was much happier at home. DH wasn't particularly fulfilled but was happy to be doing his bit, iyswim. I managed ok, was glad DC1 was with her dad during the day, but wished it was me with her especially as I thought I would do a better job than him.

This arrangement lasted for 18 months, until DC2 was born 5 months ago. She was premature and is still very 'young' and small - nothing like a 5 month old. My desire to be a SAHM is even stronger than before, because my baby is still such a baby. She is exclusively bf and I doubt she will be taking a lot of solids by the time I am due to go back to work.

I have talked to DH about resigning from my job to be a SAHM and he responds very positively in theory. Trouble is, he doesn't have a job and he is doing almost nothing about getting one. He has applied for 3 jobs in 5 months. Believe me, I have tried talking to him about this but it's like banging my head against a brick wall.

In teaching, you are expected to give a full term's notice when you resign. That means I really ought to be giving in my resignation in September. But how can I resign when I'm the only adult in our household with a proper job? On the other hand, if I don't resign, I'll be obliged to go back to work at the end of my leave and DH won't have to pull his finger out. If I do resign, perhaps he will pull his finger out.

Don't know what to do for the best.

OP posts:
Original poster
bushymcbush · 07/08/2012 22:42

Does he take his SAH role seriously or does he just do it as its an easy ride?

Honestly, I think it's a convenient way for him to avoid his career issues. However, he was glad to be contributing in that way while I was earning the money.

Interestingly, while we are both at home at the moment, he leaved most of the parenting to me unless asked to help.

OP posts:
Original poster
bushymcbush · 07/08/2012 22:43

leaves obviously.

OP posts:
HexagonalQueenOfEveything · 07/08/2012 22:44

He sounds quite lazy

Original poster
bushymcbush · 07/08/2012 22:46

what I would like to know is does he do all the housework / cooking and cleaning?

He does all the cooking, but always has done, even pre DC when we both worked. Cleaning - not really. He does clean the kitchen.

OP posts:
MrsHuxtable · 07/08/2012 22:50

What did your DH do before redundancy? And how does he think you staying at home would work if he doesn't have a job?

I totally understand you wanting to be at home but the big issue seems to be your husband not being willing to provide the cash for you to do so.

Sallyingforth · 07/08/2012 22:50

As Gumby said above, it's not for us to choose.
One of you needs to be in work. The two of you must decide together which is most capable of holding down a full-time job, and act on that.

Original poster
bushymcbush · 07/08/2012 22:54

I haven't asked for you to choose - I just wanted to know if resigning would be considered a ridiculous idea.

It is. I know.

OP posts:
PicklesThePottyMouthedParrot · 07/08/2012 22:55

Exactly. Op said her husband is happy to work as such but has no job, not sure why people are being snitty about it.

bluana · 07/08/2012 22:56

Busy - I think it is tbh. it's a gamble doing this when you're single, but with a family it's a bit crazy to me.

jubilee10 · 07/08/2012 23:08

By February she won't be so tiny and it will seem easier. Could you negotiate unpaid leave until next summer?

jellybeans · 07/08/2012 23:24

YANBU. I would quit and SAH. Yes SAHD can be as good but if the mother wants to then I think they should be able to. The mother gave birth and feeds the baby, tiny babies need their mothers and vice versa. Older kids it is different. People are obsessed with gender equality that they now dismiss a mother's need (in many cases) to be with their child when very small. OP Don't feel bad at all just quit.

HexagonalQueenOfEveything · 07/08/2012 23:28

What are they expected to survive on then jellybeans? Fresh air? I do get what you are saying but its not good to just quit a job when there is no other income in the household

ilovesooty · 07/08/2012 23:29

I think in the current climate you couldn't rely on being able to resume your teaching career if you resign.

tartyflette · 07/08/2012 23:30

And your DD will be nearly a year old in February -- she will have changed a lot.

flyoverthehill · 08/08/2012 10:21

I dont understand why people are being funny with you. I think the problem is your DH doesnt know what he wants to do. That is not is fault, he clearly wants something more fulfilling. Good for him. You should both have a long talk and look at all his options. Get advice, look at what training is available etc, because its clear he's not bothered about staying at home, just not quite motivated at the moment to change it.

Original poster
bushymcbush · 08/08/2012 10:27

Flyover, I think you have it in a nutshell. Thank you. Trouble is I've tried talking things through with him, I really have but I get the sense I'm nagging / pushing him. And sometimes he gets excited about an idea but then he just sort of goes off the boil, and doesn't follow anything through.

OP posts:
CinnabarRed · 08/08/2012 10:33

So, just to be clear - it's not that your DH is burning to be the SAHP. It's just that it's easier than addressing his underlying career issues?

Then you have a problem. You can't force him to look for paid employment. And, TBH, the bigger picture is that he's taking you for a bit of a ride.

janey68 · 08/08/2012 10:51

I think it would be a very bad move to resign from a stable job when your dh isn't working. I think your family stress levels would go through the roof.

I am also a little confused because if I read this right, you have a 5 month old baby. If you are due back in feb 2013 at the latest, then the baby will be 11 months old. Even allowing for prematurity, that's not particularly young. I had a prem myself so I know they seem younger and are smaller for longer. But tbh women used to return to work much earlier at 3 months or 6 months and their babies would have been far more little than yours . I'm just saying this because you seem to be dwelling on this aspect a lot. It might help to put it into perspective if you can think of it that way

Also although your first child didn't settle well in childcare, all children are different and you could have a completely different experience this time (if you both end up working and using childcare)

While your dh doesn't have a job though, I do think you'd be mad to resign. I also think that if you're saying SAHP is work (albeit unpaid) then its only logical to accept that your dh IS working - its just not remunerated. Bottom line is- If a family want one parent to stay at home, there's no rule which dictates it should be mum, and in your case as you're the one with a steady job it would seem to make far more sense for your dh to stay home

HexagonalQueenOfEveything · 08/08/2012 10:56

i agree, it does sound as though your DH is taking you for a bit of a ride; expecting you to work full time but leaving the housework to you, and basically taking the easy option as it's easier than him getting a job.

Is his field anything that he could start up on a self-employed basis to fit in around your working hours, and then could gradually develop it so that in the long term you could stop working or at least work fewer hours?

MakeItALarge · 08/08/2012 10:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Arabellasmella · 08/08/2012 11:01

I rememeber that feeling of absolute dread thinking I can't go back, I can't possibly leave him...and it was far stronger second time round. But I did and it was fine. However, I think it must be difficult being full time if you are feeling that you are missing out, especially if it's because of your husband's lazyness rather than desire to be a sahp.
Maybe you should bite the bullet and ask to go part-time again which would force him into getting a part time job too. I always thought that two part time parents and no childcare costs would be the ideal situation, though I'm not sure if many manage it. Good luck with it

janey68 · 08/08/2012 11:21

If he's not pulling his weight as a SAHP that's a different matter. He's the one at home so doing the vast majority of house stuff should fall to him.

(however I am aware there is a MN double standard over this and when a working dad suggests that SAHM should be doing all the housework, laundry etc there's often a resounding cry of 'but they are staying home to look after the kids and shouldn't be expected to do anything else.....' Hmm

two2blackcats · 08/08/2012 11:33

Yes I agree janey.

Bushy I do know how you feel though but genuine question - how would you have paid the mortgage/bills/eaten? x

MsElisaDay · 08/08/2012 11:37

Could your DH earn as much as you if he did go back to work? Because it would be a bit ridiculous for you to give up a high-salaried job which comes with so many holidays, for your DH to be earning far less and only getting, say, 25 days' holiday a year.

I know lots of teachers don't think they're particularly well paid, but teachers' salaries are generally above the national average, and another huge perk is the holidays. To me, it wouldn't be at all sensible for you to give this up for your DH to try and support the family on minimum wage or somewhere near it. You would struggle, and your dreams of being a SAHM may not be so rosy if you're unable to pay the bills.

It would also be silly for you to give up your job while he's got nothing to go to. This is why I mentioned the minimum wage thing - it may be all he could get, and he wouldn't even be guaranteed to get a basic shop or office job in the current climate.
As others have said, could he start doing something from home that he could work up into a full-time role? You need to have some sort of security before you give up the only income your family has at present.

Unless you are totally confident that your DH would walk into a job at least as well paid as yours, then you are being ridiculous to consider handing in your notice.
But, more to the point, why should he? You're equals and should come to a decision together. If I were him I'd be furious if you forced me into finding any job going, and put your family in such a precarious financial position, by handing in your notice.
Although he may want a job, and want to get his career back on track, this is something that should be come to through negotiation, not forcing ultimatums.

TantrumsAndOlympicGoldBalloons · 08/08/2012 11:39

I read a thread not so long ago with SAHM being very vocal about being a SAHM meant looking after the DCs and the housework should be split equally when the DH got home.
But here we are now telling the op she should make her DH get a job and she be the SAHP because he isn't doing a good enough job with the housework?
Come on now, if this was the other way around, and a father was posting this, he would be flamed.

Op, I'm sorry but if you and your DH have decided he will be the SAHP you cannot unilaterally decide that he now has to go and get a job because you want to be the one at home.

What if, in a years time he came home from work and said oh I've quit my job, you go and find a job now I want to be a SAHD?

It's not right is it?

I don't think you can just quit your job. I think you really need to talk to your DH and investigate career plans etc if he wants to be the working parent. Maybe like someone said up thread, part time could be an option for both of you?
But it's going to take time, isn't it, you can't just decide, that's it, and quit your job.