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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to hand in my letter of resignation?

96 replies

bushymcbush · 07/08/2012 22:19

I'm nervous about posting this - think I'm likely to get eaten alive on this one.

I have two DC, a 4yo about to start school and a 5month old baby. I'm on mat leave from my full time teaching job, due to go back by end of Feb at the latest.

When I had my first dc, I had the full year off on mat leave. I wanted to become a SAHM but I went back to work part time (was lucky my school was able to accommodate my request) as my DH was only working part time too, so we needed the money.

After a year (during which DC1 hated being dropped off at the childminder - never ever got used to it) DH's work dwindled to next to nothing. We took a decision for him to become a SAHD and me to go back full time to support the family. DC1 was much happier at home. DH wasn't particularly fulfilled but was happy to be doing his bit, iyswim. I managed ok, was glad DC1 was with her dad during the day, but wished it was me with her especially as I thought I would do a better job than him.

This arrangement lasted for 18 months, until DC2 was born 5 months ago. She was premature and is still very 'young' and small - nothing like a 5 month old. My desire to be a SAHM is even stronger than before, because my baby is still such a baby. She is exclusively bf and I doubt she will be taking a lot of solids by the time I am due to go back to work.

I have talked to DH about resigning from my job to be a SAHM and he responds very positively in theory. Trouble is, he doesn't have a job and he is doing almost nothing about getting one. He has applied for 3 jobs in 5 months. Believe me, I have tried talking to him about this but it's like banging my head against a brick wall.

In teaching, you are expected to give a full term's notice when you resign. That means I really ought to be giving in my resignation in September. But how can I resign when I'm the only adult in our household with a proper job? On the other hand, if I don't resign, I'll be obliged to go back to work at the end of my leave and DH won't have to pull his finger out. If I do resign, perhaps he will pull his finger out.

Don't know what to do for the best.

OP posts:

tomverlaine · 08/08/2012 11:48

what if he can't get a job? can you afford to live on nothing?
I have sympathy with you - i am working mother/DP is stay at home father and I have been/am convinced I could do a better job/would be happier etc etc but the fact is we can't afford me to leave my job- its just not a choice.
If your DH gets a job I think its a different decision- i am assuming that if you both had the choice between working or being SAHP- you would choose both choose you to be the SAHP?
Does your DH admit that he is not doing a lot to get a job or is it just your perception?

Pandemoniaa · 08/08/2012 12:55

You do have two issues here as someone else has said. Firstly, you'd prefer to be a SAHM. Which is not an unreasonable desire. However, your dh is clearly not in a position to support you financially if you make this decision and from what you have told us, has no clear plans in place that would make this possible.

The second issue is that it sounds to me as if he's opted out of bothering, tbh and I guess that all the while you have a well-paid and secure job, he can carry on dreaming and being "a bit in limbo with his career". This strikes me as a luxury he can't afford if you are ever going to be in a position to resign from your job. But equally, you can't live on air and your current problems would face into insignificance if you end up without an income.

Only you know whether resigning will galvanise your DH into action. But that's a heck of a gamble to take given what appears to be a rather laissez-faire attitude to work so far.

It's fair to say that your 5 month old dd will soon not be anywhere near as tiny and vulnerable as she appears now. Also, just because your dc1 didn't like childcare is no reason to assume the same will be the case.

Personally I'd not take the risk. The current economic climate is not favourable and the lack of a regular income would worry me more than anything. But can you encourage your dh to do something positive towards a new career? Studying, perhaps?

jellybeans · 08/08/2012 13:03

I would resign and convince DH to go back to work. If he is keen to look for a job then there should be no probs. If he is lazy it will be a kick up the arse that he needs you leaving your job to get him going.

cantspel · 08/08/2012 13:08

What happens if you resign and dh fails to get a job?

Do you have savings you can live on? or are you looking at a lfe on benefits?

If your dh work dwindled 2 years ago what makes you think he will be able to get work now and will this work should he be able to find it bring in as much as you do as a teacher?

fanjobiscuits · 08/08/2012 13:15

Could you negotiate an extra bit of unpaid time-off, even if it was an extra term as a a kind of mini sabbatical? I know someone who did this on the end of their matleave and it worked out ok.

cantspel · 08/08/2012 13:17

The problem with unpaid leave is the very fact it would be unpaid.

Unless the op has savings or dh gets a job how are they going to pay the bills and eat?

Isityouorme · 08/08/2012 13:18

How are you going to pay your mortgage/rent, bills, stuff for kids, Christmas etc?

janey68 · 08/08/2012 13:20

I'm just wondering what the response would be if a guy posted saying he was thinking of chucking his job in because it might give his Stay at home wife a kick up the arse to get her back to work....

Good old MN sexism eh......

diddl · 08/08/2012 13:23

How much time do you have with the children?

Weekends, holidays obviously, but what hours are you out of the house?

My PFB was prem (born at 29wks) & at a year old (not adjusted)was eating 2 weetabix for breakfast!

wankpants · 08/08/2012 13:24

Has your DH sought any career guidance? Is there a course he could do to get where he wants to be?

It's totally unreasonable to resign with no idea where the money's coming from.

diddl · 08/08/2012 13:25

I also agree that the father shouldn´t have to go to work just because OP now wants to SAH.

TheCraicDealer · 08/08/2012 13:27

There was another thread on here not so long ago where a teacher had left to look after her kids, and a few years later was finding it impossible to get another role due to lack of recent experience. Even if you took the time off unpaid he could still be in the same position at the end of that period, resulting in you needing to work. And you would find it incredibly difficult to pick up where you left off.

Could you encourage him to speak to someone about his lack of drive? A life coach or something? I know that sounds incredibly "woo", but a poster on here recommended that route to someone in a similar position.

porcamiseria · 08/08/2012 13:34

sorry, but why ON EARTH would you resign when DH does not have a job???

what will you live on?

heart over head lady.

I really get your concern over small baby, but she will survive

you wont if you dont have any money coming in

Whilst I hate giving directive advice you are crazy to resign mid recession on the assumption your DH will find a job

freerangelady · 08/08/2012 13:42

I wouldn't resign until DH got a job.

However, I disagree with the posters who are saying that she shouldn't be a able to change her mind and now want to SAH. It sounds like they fell into this arrangement and it doesn't really suit either person.

However, I do think that you need to have a long term family strategy, which may for you, include going back to work for a period of time untill DH can find work.

jellybeans · 08/08/2012 16:44

Why is it sexist to say a mother may need to be with her small baby? Older toddler and kids it is different. If a mother wants to work with small baby then great. If they want to be with the baby they have carried for months and breastfed then that should be OK. Men can also be great stay home dads of course but it is generally mothers who want to be with their small babies having given birth maybe recovering etc. It is silly how people call it sexism for a mother to want to be with small baby. Being equal doesn't have to mean being the same. I am a stay home mum and would never have been able to leave DC5 it was touch and go all the way through the pregnancy and I lost his sister who was premature the year before. That was my second stillbirth. There is no way I could have left him with anyone. My first was in childcare but every situation is different. Me and husband have also shared childcare with young baby so I have been on all 'sides'.

janey68 · 08/08/2012 16:53

What is sexist is assuming that a mother somehow has more of a 'right' to be at home than the father.

The mother has maternity leave anyway- up to a year nowadays, which allows plenty of time to 'recover' from the birth and bf. (of course, bf is compatible with working anyway.) After maternity leave there is absolutely no way anyone can state that it is 'better' for the mother to be at home than the father.

In the ops case, she has a job at the moment whereas his 'job' is Sahp. It's ridiculous for her to think she can just make a unilateral decision to resign. I'm not quite sure what she thinks they'd live on anyway- thin air?? She would have intentionally made herself jobless. If she wants to change their set up, it requires planning and discussion. Just as if a working man decides he'd rather be at home, he has a responsibility to discuss it with his stay at home wife, and re-negotiate- not just hand in his notice.

What really shocked me was the comment that to resign might give him a 'kick up the arse' to get a job. If a working husband posted that about his stay at home wife, there would be uproar across MN. I've seen it before. THAT'S what is sexist.

retyba · 08/08/2012 16:55

If you resign and he doesn't have a job, how will you live as you will have no income?

NapaCab · 08/08/2012 17:01

You're the household breadwinner so you've made a commitment to financially provide for your DH and DC that you have to honor. If ou change your mind on that, that's something that needs to be negotiated and discussed properly, not just decided petulantly in a sulk.

It is annoying that your DH isn't job-hunting but quitting your job is not the answer. You're talking as if your earnings are optional and they're not, your family relies on them. Think of your DCs if not your DH.

janey68 · 08/08/2012 17:12

..... And quite apart from anything else, the dc is perfectly happy at home with dad (op mention this). Surely meeting the child's needs is paramount - in this case, being home with dad, with shelter, food on the table etc provided by mum. Staying at home isn't all about the parent. It's an option which should be chosen in agreement between the parents if they feel it's best for their family situation (and if they can afford it of course)

McHappyPants2012 · 08/08/2012 17:48

tbh i think you would be crazy to give up a job teaching.

4 years out of this type of job and you can kiss good bye your quilifications. teaching jobs are very hard to get these days never mind in 4 years.

think of the long term

diddl · 08/08/2012 18:03

It won´t be long before PSB is at nursery/school.

Then you´ll be glad that one of you has the same holidays as them-assuming that husband is working by then.

MrMiyagi · 08/08/2012 18:08

for OP and all the other sexists in this thread.

HecateHarshPants · 08/08/2012 18:12

It is foolish for the only wage earner in a household to resign because they also want to be a sahp.

What will you do for money?

Aboutlastnight · 08/08/2012 18:34

Also surely PSB will be happy enough cared for by dad? And you will have the holidays which is more than many working patents have.

DP and I were seriously struggling before I got a job and I would never go back to that. You have to think about the future and the best interests of your children - I have just spent £160 on school uniform/ shoes/ trainers for two children, they get more expensive as they get older and you may not be able to just slot back into a job.

I know mum at home with small children is lovely, but how feasible is it for most parents?

PicklesThePottyMouthedParrot · 08/08/2012 18:36

Why is she being a sexist? The op states her partner dosent particularly want to stay at home but hadn't done much about finding a job.

I can see why op would be silly to resign but why is she being sexist?

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