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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think WTAF at my mothers helpful hints

106 replies

KPT083 · 05/08/2012 12:41

So here goes, phone call from my DM (who I love dearly btw), saying I've been thinking.......When little baby arrives, when it's sleeping you should be getting DH's dinner ready and tidying up the house!! Shock

I know I might try and do a few bits (if I feel upto it) but DH says to sleep when lo does, he and I are realists, even tho my well meaning DM is making me feel like I failed already. Obviously I smiled, nodded and said yes mum. I suppose I'm just god smacked.....

OP posts:
edam · 05/08/2012 15:03

And I was lucky enough to have a cleaner* back then so didn't have to do mountains of housework (some, but not the whole gamut - just as well, we were living in a townhouse and I don't think the two flights of stairs would have been hoovered for three months without her).

*Before you accuse me of being a bad housewife, I was paying for the cleaner as I was the higher earner.

JumpingThroughHoops · 05/08/2012 15:04

krum other peoples household and relationship dynamics are not really percentage proportional. What works for some relationships will not work for others.

We all know what works for ourselves and quite probably raise an eye brow at what works for others.

I sincerely doubt the OPs mum phoned up, imparted that gem, and hung up, it was a throw away in a whole conversation.

I can just imagine passing my DH the Mr Sheen and carrot scraper and saying 'there you go dear, do your 50%' when we both work the same core hours BUT I'm in doors some 3-4 hours before him due to his commute. Therefore, in the interests of harmonious household living for all, he finds his dinner ready when he gets in and his shirts ironed.

Equally, of a weekend, he does all the not inconsiderable child ferrying to sports.

This is how partnerships work. It's all about balance.

TheEnglishWomanInTheAttic · 05/08/2012 15:05

Inneedofbrandy anyone offering utterly unsolicited personal ridiculously inappropriate advice is deeply annoying though, mum or not! That applies in almost every situation, but especially so when expecting a baby. Offering advice may be tempting, but it a way to alienate an adult child not a way to make them need their parent! Now offering actual help (if you should want me to I'd be happy to babysit once a week/ month ... or if you want me to I'D be happy to bring dinner around and drop it off a couple of times a week in the first month or so, or to do a bit of ironing for you once a week, or whatever the grandma is happy to do and the adult child needs, that would be a way for a parent of an adult to be "needed" or at least useful to an adult child who has just had a baby... ringing up and telling her when to do her housework - not helpful, in any way, at all. It's not unforgivable or the end of the world or anything but it is just deeply annoying!

squeakytoy · 05/08/2012 15:07

Fair enough Edam, and I agree life with a newborn while recovering from the birth is going to be knackering, but everyone I know has been more than capable of looking after a baby and doing whatever needs doing in the house by the time the baby is a couple of months old and they have got into a routine.

I do know one exception to this, whose child is now 7 years old, and still says she cant do anything as she has the child to look after. She expects her husband to come home after doing a 12 hour day of physical work, and make his own meals, do his own washing, and get shopping on his way home because she "hasnt had time".

JumpingThroughHoops · 05/08/2012 15:09

I do know one exception to this, whose child is now 7 years old, and still says she cant do anything as she has the child to look after. She expects her husband to come home after doing a 12 hour day of physical work, and make his own meals, do his own washing, and get shopping on his way home because she "hasnt had time".

We all know one of those.

squeakytoy · 05/08/2012 15:11

And as the OP hasnt come back to fill us in on what brought this comment from her mother about, it can only be assumed that this is how her mother coped when she had the OP, and it worked ok for her, just like it has for millions of other women in the last generations.

edam · 05/08/2012 15:11

You know her and I don't BUT my Granddad did the lion's share of the housework back in the 40s, 50s and 60s. Sadly because my Grandmother suffered from crippling depression and had a complete breakdown after her Mother died (had been the primary carer for her Mother).

cheekybarsteward · 05/08/2012 15:17

god smacked Shock is the what happens on a Sunday? Grin

TheEnglishWomanInTheAttic · 05/08/2012 15:23

Randomly coming out with this sort of "tip" is a bit like phoning your adult child, prompted by nothing but your own musings, and advising them to sleep on the left side of the bed or do a whites wash on a Wednesday though...

Mia4 · 05/08/2012 15:23

I don't personally think there should be any hard and fast rules. One of my friends was always knackered since her daughter barely slept, so she napped to. Another had a son who slept loads, literally through anything; she used to spend the day sorting things, doing some yoga and cooking. t depends on you, your baby and what works for you guys.

One thing the first mum said to me was that in the morning she would load up her slow cooker to cook all day. That way she could sleep and they'd be no worry of having to drag herself up to cook dinner.

I don't think you should just agree with her otherwise you'll find her constantly pushing you to accept her advice, rather than just listening, besides you don't want her getting all 'well you said you would' on you-which some mums can be like. Why don' you just tell her you're going to take things as they come?

Softlysoftly · 05/08/2012 15:24

All her back and state

"I've been thinking mning and when the baby's here advice is now to get loads of help so on one nap I'll do the washing up and on the other I will sleep and you can come clean the loos ok" Grin

Or you could find birth to my dd2 who at 10wks will be dd. e put down asleep or awake and become the mad lady with the house other people call ss about according to recent threads...

Softlysoftly · 05/08/2012 15:26

*call her back ffs

Typing with baby attached as always

RabbitsMakeBrownEggs · 05/08/2012 15:53

I think having babies is so unpredictable that you should use my method... called the Flying By The Seat Of Your Pants Method, it involves little preparation both pre and post-baby.

For the initial first few weeks, you and your partner need only do the very basic survival, and the rest is all decided at the moment that it is needed who will do what. For example, the person least covered in baby vomit goes out to the shops to get bread, whilst the person left behind tackles the giant pile of dishes to eat your sandwiches off of.

As you become used to the baby, you go into phase two, which I call Tag Teaming. A partner is generally back at work, so you work in sleep shifts and tag your partner once you can no longer handle any more.

Generally working parent (WP) will come home and take first shift - Bathing Baby, whist Stuck At Home Partner (SAHP) escapes to the kitchen for a cup of tea without nipple attachment for the first time all day/escaping from the explosion of shit inside grinning baby's nappy, and throws together sustenance.

Then both take baby to bed, shift two, known as Baby Settling, can be extremely frustrating, thus takes both parents to support each other through various patting, singing, feeding, begging, pleading and ninja rolls silently from rooms. Both celebrate with silent cheers coming down the stairs and flop on the sofa.

Then for each time baby stirs it is taken in turns to settle and sort out, this is the Rapid Fire round, where you both hear the wail, and frantically try to remember who was last so that you can shrug and say Your Turn!

SAHP then tends to take Early Bedtime, allowing WP time to relax and unwind from work, responding to baby and allowing SAHP to sleep and catch up. Earplugs are often necessary. There is an agreed swap over time, where SAHP becomes parent on duty, called Middle of the Night, and working parent sleeps.

Then WP wakes and is on shift whilst getting ready for work, bottles may be prepared, mess hidden in cupboards, and dishes done. This is a known flare up time where despite complete silence baby is able to psychically know one parent is awake. Generally it only stirs the moment the WP leaves the house, the moment signifying shift change to EARLY MORNING and so begins the long day shift.

At least, in my experience anyway. I did my second on my own, and FBSOYP method also worked, although there was no shift work.

doublecakeplease · 05/08/2012 16:58

print out a copy of the 'dust if you must' poem!

lovebunny · 05/08/2012 18:13

there isn't a 'rofl' emoticon...
right.
when the baby is sleeping (because your baby will sleep for four hour periods between short feeds, and for eight hours at night) you make sure the housework is done and meal is ready. do your hair and make-up and be at the door to greet him with a smile. wear your sexiest undies (don't forget, as soon as you give birth you'll be wanting to 'get back in shape' for your man)...
or
spend time with your baby finding out what s/he wants and how you work together as a team. expect dh to join in with this when he's not at work. leave all but the most essential housework until the child is old enough to look after him/herself for a while - i'd allow several years...
and enjoy your baby. there's plenty of time to have a tidy house when you're sixty.

iknowwho · 05/08/2012 18:20

Nobody was tallking about a show house or cordon bleu (or what ever the latest term is) cooking lovebunny

and who said anything about make up hair and nails let alone sexy undies Confused

Are people not able to do ANYTHING when the baby is awake either?

Hells flippin bells I must have been super mum or something. I managed to look after a baby ALL DAY while on Mat leave and hoover up AND have tea made for us both.
I didn't realize how good I was!!!!

GhostShip · 05/08/2012 18:52

She'd 'been thinking'? Who thinks about stuff like that?

Reminds me of an ex I had (creepy ex)
'I've just been thinking, while you're in the bath I could sit on the loo and talk to you'
Not a problem doing that, I do it with current partner but the fact 'he'd been thinking' as though he'd give it a good ponder and thought of some amazing new idea. Confused

DrCoconut · 05/08/2012 19:28

I remember going on mat leave suffering from horrible insomnia. Before DS2 arrived I would be up until 4 or 5am unable to sleep but too tired to do much. I would have to go to work like that before leave started so once I freed myself of that millstone I would get DS1 to school then go back to bed and set my alarm so I could get up after lunch time. I could always sleep at that time, don't know why but being able to sleep was a godsend. Getting people to understand why I didn't "just go to bed at night", "wasted time lying in bed all day" etc was sometimes another thing. I think they thought I was being lazy. I even had remarks about "lady of leisure" etc because I took 7 months off work. Yes, being up 3 times at night with a colicky baby is real leisure Hmm Though my sleep was better than before he was born even with the night feeds, colic etc. You have to do what works well for you and DH and make sure you get a passable amount of sleep.

doublecakeplease · 05/08/2012 20:59

Cleaning and scrubbing can wait til tomorrow,
For babies grow up, we've learned to our sorrow,
So quiet down cobwebs, dust go to sleep,
I'm rocking my baby and babies don't keep


Cleaning and scrubbing can wait til tomorrow,
For babies grow up, we've learned to our sorrow,
So quiet down cobwebs, dust go to sleep,
I'm rocking my baby and babies don't keep

doublecakeplease · 05/08/2012 21:00

Dust if you must, but wouldn't it be better
To paint a picture, or write a letter,
Bake a cake, or plant a seed;
Ponder the difference between want and need?

Dust if you must, but there's not much time,
With rivers to swim, and mountains to climb;
Music to hear, and books to read;
Friends to cherish, and life to lead.

Dust if you must, but the world's out there
With the sun in your eyes, and the wind in your hair;
A flutter of snow, a shower of rain,
This day will not come around again.

Dust if you must, but bear in mind,
Old age will come and it's not kind.
And when you go (and go you must)
You, yourself, will make more dust.

Remember, a house becomes a home when you can write
"I love you" on the furniture.....

Krumbum · 05/08/2012 21:10

The real problem is the the idea that looking after children is a piece of piss that any idiot can do with ease. The idea that looking after children is seen as not as worthwhile as paid work is repeated over and over, even on this thread. And it is relevant that it is mainly women who look after children, it's seen as women's work, women's excuse to be able to lay about and take men's money and the fact that not everyone can look after kids plus cook and clean perfectly just proves this point in a lot of people's minds.
And that won't change until people realise how hard and time consuming looking after children is and until many more men look after their kids by being sahp's, that is the only way that a hell of a lot of people will start seeing the value of child rearing and the need for domestic equality in cooking and cleaning.

iknowwho · 05/08/2012 21:15

Nobody said it was easy looking after children. Of course it is time consuming. Nobody would disagree with that.

Peeenut · 05/08/2012 21:42

YANBU it's the kind of unsolicited advice what would make me roll my eyes at them down the phone. It's funny she felt the need to call up with such a revelation, as if you couldn't work out the details of your daily life by yourself.

I often had people make suggestions out of the blue. I should get up before my husband left for work and have a shower. I should put the kettle on when I got up to change the nappy, then it'd be boiled for when we'd finished. It's all odd, no shit?! really?! advice. I still had a brain after having a baby and didn't need random advice on how to micro manage my time.

letseatgrandma · 05/08/2012 22:05

She phoned you specifically to tell you this!?

PicaK · 05/08/2012 23:10

If your baby sleeps then sleep. Your body will ache for sleep, when you get some no matter how long for it won't be enough.

Your mother has issues. It's amusing but also slightly worrying.

Some babies don't sleep. Some do.

But the woman who got to go to the gym for 2 hours a day definitely doesn't represent the majority experience.

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