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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think WTAF at my mothers helpful hints

106 replies

KPT083 · 05/08/2012 12:41

So here goes, phone call from my DM (who I love dearly btw), saying I've been thinking.......When little baby arrives, when it's sleeping you should be getting DH's dinner ready and tidying up the house!! Shock

I know I might try and do a few bits (if I feel upto it) but DH says to sleep when lo does, he and I are realists, even tho my well meaning DM is making me feel like I failed already. Obviously I smiled, nodded and said yes mum. I suppose I'm just god smacked.....

OP posts:
JumpingThroughHoops · 05/08/2012 14:29

Could I just say that successful relationships contain the following?

Courtesy
Compromise
Communication
Compassion

lose any one of those things and it's doomed to failure.

thinks I should be writing a marriage guidance book

Inneedofbrandy · 05/08/2012 14:31

Woopwoop go team Iknowwho

I read some shit on MN.

iknowwho · 05/08/2012 14:31

I agree Jumping I would add Tolereance and humour but they don't begin with a C!!

Krumbum · 05/08/2012 14:32

Yes and a wohm parent who sees the value and worth of looking after children is those things. Seeing how hard childcare is is hsving compassion. Wanting an equal relationship is important too.

Krumbum · 05/08/2012 14:33

*wohp

maddening · 05/08/2012 14:33

hahaha 5dc - needed you to chat to my ds when he was teensy - not content to be put down and slept on me - plus we never got that sttn thing down (still at 18 mths ) so pretty fucking shattered while df has full night sleeps - not had one in 18 mths myself as usually get 4-5 hours broken sleep - needless to say df does help round the house! We work as a team.

Pandemoniaa · 05/08/2012 14:34

Also agree with what Worra and iknowwho said. During the relatively brief time I was the SAHP, I preferred to do what needed to be done when I had the time in the day. Not expect my then dh to come home and be given a list of tasks to complete for the sole purpose of proving some sort of point about sharing the domestic load. He was very helpful, as it happens. Probably because it had never occurred to him that there was such a thing as Men's Work and Wifely Duties.

WorraLiberty · 05/08/2012 14:36

I would add 'Couch time'! Grin

Seriously though I do think some down time together on the couch at night (if at all possible) can keep a relationship running smoothly....just to have a cuddle up and a chat.

That's why it's not good for either parent to be busy 100% of the time. It's all about compromise and helping each other (yes I said that dreaded word 'helping'!)

If that means the WOHP doing less than 50% of the housework, then so be it...it's about togetherness as a family - not percentages.

JumpingThroughHoops · 05/08/2012 14:37

An equal relationship isn't I've ironed mine and the kids clothes, you do yours

An equal relationship is These tasks need to be don; I have time to do this task, you have the time to do that task, lets divvy up according to our strengths

squeakytoy · 05/08/2012 14:38

"Yes squeaky. Being a stay at home PARENT means looking after children not being a maid. Looking after a child is as hard as work. So they should be sharing chores equally and sharing childcare equally when he's in"

utter bollocks... being the half of the partnership that stays at home means doing the daily chores AND the childcare..

looking after a baby, deciding to go out for a nice stroll with the pram to meet up for coffee with friends, going to softplay, baby ballet or whatever other activities is not a full time job.. or certainly wasnt until recent years!

5dcsinneedofacleaner · 05/08/2012 14:38

I totally agree jumping, thats what i was trying to say in a clumsy sort of way!

iknowwho · 05/08/2012 14:41

An equal relationship is These tasks need to be don; I have time to do this task, you have the time to do that task, lets divvy up according to our strengths

That is how we work and also to priortise and realise if somethings don't get done it doesn't matter. (although we don't divvy up - we just do what needs doing - it doesn't matter who does it)

iknowwho · 05/08/2012 14:42

I would add 'Couch time'!

Best part of the day!!! (especially when DH comes home with a bar of Green and Blacks to share)

StealthPolarBear · 05/08/2012 14:44

comlpetely agree EnglishWoman
I don't think anyone on this thread has said the WOHP should do 50% of the housework, yet some posters appear to be arguing with them!

squeakytoy · 05/08/2012 14:47

yes they did Stealth....

"KrumbumSun 05-Aug-12 13:48:50

Lol, ridiculous. I don't know how you could nod along and not challenge her. Dh should be doing 50% of the housework so when's his prescribed time to do it?"

JumpingThroughHoops · 05/08/2012 14:47

WTF is 'baby ballet' ???

squeakytoy · 05/08/2012 14:50

Dont ask Jumping... I know someone who went to it with their 6 mth old though!! Grin

StealthPolarBear · 05/08/2012 14:50

oh fair enough
Agree that this is off on a tangeant. I actually don't really care if the OP and her DH's arrangement is that she should clean his shoes with her tongue as long as it's the one they are both happy with. Their domestic arrangements are none of her mum's business, unless she is actually worried about her daughter.
("AIBU: DD seems to clean her DH's shoes in a most unusual way, surely this can't be good for the leather?")

EllenParsons · 05/08/2012 14:51

YANBU

The problem is that it's not your mum's place to say what you "should" be doing while your baby sleeps! If you want to do house work and make dinner, fine. If you want to sleep yourself, also fine. It is nothing to do with your mum! I would also have been annoyed.

Aboutlastnight · 05/08/2012 14:53

Op

It's hard in the early days as it's a big adjustment for you all to have a newborn in the house.

But you may well find that some says you cannot put baby down and will find it impossible to do cooking/chores...but quite a lot of other days you will manage fine.

Honestly I look at photos of my flat when I had DD1and it was soooo tidy. But maybe have a chat with your husband about how some the housework will be divided up -it may stop any later resentment when you are both sleep deprived.

edam · 05/08/2012 14:54

I used to have this habit when on maternity leave of falling asleep holding ds just as dh walked in through the door. He would be all 'awww' and 'gosh, edam must be exhausted... little knowing I'd heard his key in the door and just put my book down. Grin (I did fess up after the third time, just thought it was funny to see how long I could get away with it).

New babies are hard work and persistent broken sleep is knackering so I'd ignore your Mother and do what feels right to you - whether that's sleeping when the baby sleeps or washing up because you can't stand having dirty crockery around. DO make sure dh pulls his weight, though, and DO make sure you catch up on your sleep when you can - housework will always be there, those early baby days will not.

Inneedofbrandy · 05/08/2012 14:55

Maybe though your mum is just trying to offer what advise she feels would help, whether you feel its helpful or not. Mums do like to feel needed it doesnt stop once little ones are grown up.

StealthPolarBear · 05/08/2012 14:55

yes that's the other thing - I used to desperately want to do someting about the mess I saw around me, and in fact having pepole telling me to sleep when the baby sleeps when I wasn't even that tired got a bit annoying.

squeakytoy · 05/08/2012 14:58

"little knowing I'd heard his key in the door and just put my book down. (I did fess up after the third time, just thought it was funny to see how long I could get away with it"

See! Grin

I bet there are plenty more who wouldnt fess up.. and would continue to get away with it too.

edam · 05/08/2012 15:01

Good luck to them Squeaky, it's much harder work looking after a newborn than it is having most paid jobs. I remember being so sleep-deprived when ds was new that I cried in the shower when I realised I couldn't remember which order to put shampoo and conditioner on (rare occasion I had the chance to use both at a weekend when dh was home and ds had just been fed).