To think WTAF at my mothers helpful hints

[KPT083]

So here goes, phone call from my DM (who I love dearly btw), saying I've been thinking.......When little baby arrives, when it's sleeping you should be getting DH's dinner ready and tidying up the house!!

I know I might try and do a few bits (if I feel upto it) but DH says to sleep when lo does, he and I are realists, even tho my well meaning DM is making me feel like I failed already. Obviously I smiled, nodded and said yes mum. I suppose I'm just god smacked.....

I think the bit that would annoy me most is the "should"

SAHP also has an H in it - a clean, safe and well run environment is also a contributory factor to the well being of raising a family.

And my baby (no 1) didn't sleep a lot, and when awake he was never content to sit there doing nothing! Baby 2 slept a lot, and actually had this thing where she finished a feed!!

Jumping - do you really not see a problem with soemoene calling up and tellign you they've been thinking you should clean your house and cook your husband's meals?

They don't sit there doing nothing they only sleep huge amounts for a few weeks anyway and then they are up a lot more. What about people with more than 1 child? Yes do half the housework when she chooses to but don't prioritise it over child or sleep.

And who says the OP is a SAHP anyway?

Jumping - do you really not see a problem with soemoene calling up and tellign you they've been thinking you should clean your house and cook your husband's meals?

No, I'd be just like the OP - rolling my eyes and giggling my head off

Yes squeaky. Being a stay at home PARENT means looking after children not being a maid. Looking after a child is as hard as work. So they should be sharing chores equally and sharing childcare equally when he's in.
Most women who work full time do about 90% of housework and childcare and no one questions that! Ofc he should be equally participating.

FFS Here we go treating the partner like the enemy again!!
So the partner does a days work- doesn't matter what that work is, whether it is hard physical manual graft for 12 hours or 8 hours in an office he has to come home and start thinking about making tea, hoovering up, getting the dishwasher on and then getting the shopping in.

I had my mat leave and some how managed to get the babies into a routine that meant in the morning I could have two hours at the gym/ pool while they were in the creche, pick the shopping up. They had a nap in the afternoon, jobs round the house done, tea on and then we both could relax in the evening. DH would do the baths and bed and we both had downtime.

I read some shit on MN.

And who says the OP is a SAHP anyway?

True, the OP may indeed only be taking the 2 week minimum requirement for maternity leave in which case chores get divvied up when both are out of the house

oh fair enough. I thought you were arguing for the other side.
anyway, I need to leave this now. I have my husband's dinner to prepare. Then I'm going to press his ties.

I do think the OP mum was a bit strange to say that to OP though.
Families generallly find their own way that works for them.

Why is the idea of him doing housework so offensive to you?

I have my husband's dinner to prepare. Then I'm going to press his ties.

Good, as it should be >falling off the chair laughing emoticon<

I assumed the op meant she was eiher a sahm or woukd be on maternity leave.
Krumbum- if she has more than one child then surely organization and routine are even more important.
Babies will sit in a seat or in a sling just watching. My dcs have spent a ling time in a sling just going about the day with me.

I'm on TeamIKnowWho.

Some do and some don't. It's irrelevant, housework is not all her job.

Why is the idea of him doing housework so offensive to you?
To who?

To you.

Not all newborns sleep a lot - I know a lot of them do, but not all, its not guaranteed, at least anywhere other than in a parent's arms...

I had one who I literally couldn't put down for the first 3 months because (I think in retrospect) she probably had reflux and if I lay her down she howled, but if I carried her she was happy - even when being carried though she slept a lot less than most of my antenatal class's babies seemed to and was awake most of the time, happy if in my arms or on my lap, howling if put down...

For number 2 I used a sling and he did sleep a lot - in the sling - you can do a lot with a baby in a sling but not everything... Number 3 did sleep a lot even in a cot and I finally saw what these weird people who said "but newborns sleep a lot" were on about - but by then I had 2 other small children and so couldn't sleep when he slept or get on with housework child free anyway... and when he turned 5 months he stopped sleeping!

Even if newborns did all sleep loads in their cots, and through the night, leaving their mothers twiddling their thumbs/ eating chocolate and wathing soaps/ cleaning the house to show room standard daily... YANBU because it is absolutely non of your mum's business to dictate what you do with regard to housework, and unasked for advice like that is pretty much guaranteed to be deeply irritating and lead to you feeling much less inclined to talk to your mum so regularly, in case she drop further clangers pearls of wisdom... well that's the effect comments like that have on me anyway!

YADNBU

Its not her job but if she is in the house all day it seems logical for her to do more. My dh does housework when he is here, when he isnt i get on with it. I woudnt not do something because it had reahed my quota.

DD is currently asleep. I am in bed reading a book watching her whilst DP does the hoovering.

To be fair, during the week I do tidy up and cook when she's asleep (I'm currently on maternity leave), but that's mainly just to make the space I spend most of the day in a bit more pleasant! BUT, whether or not that's what you end up doing OP there is no need to feel like you've failed! Whatever works best for you and your LO...

Krumbum

I am not against a partner doing housework at all.
DH shops, irons the uniforms, does the homework. I work shifts and the house carries on without me - tea is made for when I get in and if I am off tea is made for him when I get in.(partnership working)

This morning he has stripped the bed, pegged the washing, made lunch and gone out with DS to work on his car.

What I do think is a bag of shit is the attitude that because someone has a baby she can't do anything else and if she so much as think of doing a bit of house work she is a skivvy.

DH is self employed so he would help with the baby in the evening. It is unrealistic to expect him to be out from 7.30 until 7.00pm and then spend time with the baby and giving me a break and then start on the housework.
When would he have got a break.

I had plenty of down time - gym and swimming, put the baby in the pram and went out on walks or just in the car had had lovely days out.
DH had work, accounts, bath baby and in on Saturday mornings.

I am probably the OP's mother's generation. I did not use precious moments when my babies were sleeping in order to cook dinners for husbands. I thought this was what occurred in some sort of medieval past. I did, however, often use the time in between reading trashy novels to tidy up a bit or get some washing done. This was for my benefit, however.

iknowwho I totally agree with that.

To say the WOHP should do 50% of the housework too, is totally unfair imo.

Unless the SAHP or the child is ill or something.

The point of the AIBU though is the mum decided to ring her pregnant daughter and tell her that, after considering the matter, she (the grandma to be) had decided her adult daughter should spend her grandchild's nap times cooking her son in law's dinner and doing housework. The debate about whether a SAHP or mother on maternity leave should do more housework than their partner is off on a tangent, the OP is NBU to be shocked that her mother had been considering the issue and phoned her with this gem of advice!