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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel offended by childless friend telling me how much her life would suck if she had children?

78 replies

LesleyPumpshaft · 05/08/2012 11:01

I want to know if I am being overly sensitive and if I ABU. My bessie mate has no children and she is coming to the end of her time so to speak. Her and her husband have good jobs and are better off than me and DP. I only have one teenage son, but he is a wallet vampire, and as soon as I get money together for anything I want, he'll need stuff. As you all know, family holidays and days out, meals are more expensive with kids. Then there's residential school trips etc.

The thing is, her DH wants children and she isn't sure. She keeps banging on about what a great life her and her husband have and about how she would have to stop work, or go part time if she had a baby. She'll then go on to say that having less money and not being able to do the things she wants would be horrible. She'll point out how she can buy what she wants and do what she wants, and she would hate it if that had to change. Then again, what if she left it too late and then regretted it?

Yesterday I got rather offended. Yes, I don't have as much money as her and my son is 13, so me and DP can't just do whatever we want. I do feel as though she is being a bit rude. AIBU to feel as though when she bangs on about this, there may be a slight element of female competitiveness and subtle put down?

So, I just told her yesterday 'you're right, don?t bother having kids because it's just really shit!'. Was I BU and a bit rude to say this? I love her to bits, but I feel as though she is pointing out how inadequate we are whenever she starts on this subject.

OP posts:

StealthPolarBear · 05/08/2012 11:03

She is trying to convince herself. SHe doesn't sound 100% certain to me. Don't take it personally.

StealthPolarBear · 05/08/2012 11:04

And before I get flamed - if she just talked about how great her life was - travelling, working etc, then I wouldn't have said that. It's the comparisons of how her life would be that make me think she's wondering.

Level3at6months · 05/08/2012 11:05

YABU. It sounds to me like she's confiding in you as a friend and saying what she really feels. A bit insensitive, maybe, but I don't think it sounds like she's being rude to you.

Tee2072 · 05/08/2012 11:07

You were more than a bit rude, actually, but so is she.

I don't understand these supposed best mates who talk to each other this way. My best mate and I talk to each other with respect and don't put each other or our choices down.

Original poster

LesleyPumpshaft · 05/08/2012 11:09

StealthPolarBear Thanks, I think I probably am BU. She definitely is wondering and I know her DH is very broody and itching to be a dad.

Tbh I'm feeling pissed off at the fact my finances aren't great. I recently became self employed, so right now it's hard slog and I'm just getting by. Maybe it's just hitting a nerve and I have PMT.

It does seem as though it's a case of eww, what if I my life becomelike yours though tbh.

OP posts:

Original poster

LesleyPumpshaft · 05/08/2012 11:11

Imeant becomes like yours. Thanks for honest opinions peeps. I was BU.

OP posts:

smellyolddog · 05/08/2012 11:12

I agree with Stealthpolarbear if she is always saying it, that it would seem that she is convincing herself. I think each to their own,when it comes to children, but she is bringing this subject up over and over again then she is asking for a response.

I don't think YABU to be offended? she is basically making out that all of your hard work and love and care, your whole family life are not as good as hers? She is making you question your life based on money, and for all the lovely holidays, cars and houses in the world I would never change my decisions on having children.

Your response I guess I think is wrong as you love your DS and you've basically said that she is right and you regret your choices in life (again money based). I would either point out how you love having your DS and could she shut up about it!!

DawnOfTheDee · 05/08/2012 11:12

It does sound like she is trying to convince herself tbh. You say she is 'coming to the end of her time'.....maybe she does want DC deep down but is scared of admitting this in case it doesn't happen for her. A bit of subconscious self-preservation possibly?

Saying that...yes she is being a bit rude...and so were you. Not sure how you could best approach this in future. Maybe apologise for being rude but explain you felt your choice of family/lifestyle was being put down although you're sure that wasn't the intention.

Wigglewoo · 05/08/2012 11:15

I feel like her sometimes and I have children :)

I agree with the others it sounds like she's trying a bit too hard to convince herself. Most people that I know who don't have or want children don't seem to feel the need to justify it to the world.

NarkedRaspberry · 05/08/2012 11:15

She sounds like she's trying to justify her choices.

As a friend, I'd say to her that she can choose to do whatever she wants. If she doesn't want children, fine, it's no skin off your nose. But she needs to stop defending her choice to you because you're not the one who has a problem with it - her DH is.

MyinnergoddessisatLidl · 05/08/2012 11:17

How do you know that she isn't trying and slightly worried that she cannot conceive? So she may be overcompensating by trying to convince herself and others that she is sitting on the greener side of the fence.

One of my workmates got married, and a few years later I asked did she think she would have a family. (on her honeymoon her dh told her he wasn't interested in having children straight away as he wanted them to travel, but she really wanted to and got upset and confided in me)

She bit my head off! It's not the be all and end all of life, there's more to do than settle down etc etc. So I thought perhaps her husband was still influencing her, and left the conversation.

Turns out she was desperately TTC and thought she had left it too late, and was overweight. So it was a defence mechanism. She only told me when she became pregnant and apologised for her outburst.

auburnlizzy78 · 05/08/2012 11:19

Thing is, though, she is right. It would suck to have kids, for all the reasons she says. I have one young son, and what she says is entirely correct. BUT, we do it because the best bits more than make up for all that crappy other stuff and parenthood is, amongst many other things, a fantastic personal journey of self-development and offers you the chance to shape some other small being into a lovely, well-adjusted and fulfilled adult etc etc. So I would have wholeheartedly agreed in a non-sarcastic way with what your friend said, but then offered the opposing view. And then agreed to differ!

NarkedRaspberry · 05/08/2012 11:20

I've had dinner with a couple where my presence was apparently required so I could be used as an example of How Children Ruin Lives. The 'friend' was sure she didn't want children - and always had been - but her DP did. Fun evening. They had been tohether for 12 years. He left her about 6 months later, met someone new and was married to her within 18 months. They have DC.

missymoomoomee · 05/08/2012 11:21

Sounds to me like you are maybe a bit jealous of her financial situation and the fact she has the choice about whether it changes or not tbh. Sorry but YABU.

ssd · 05/08/2012 11:21

op don't feel bad, she sounds a bit competitive and insensitive to me

you've got your ds, that makes up for what you don't have

money and freedom will come again....maybe that's all she'll ever have

NarkedRaspberry · 05/08/2012 11:22

MyInnerGoddess, the OP didn't ask her!

JeezyPeeps · 05/08/2012 11:22

Are you envious of her lifestyle?

If you could swap lives, would you? Or would you rather be financially struggling and have your DS?

In that circumstances I, personally, would say (honestly) that I wouldn't change my kids for the world, there is no amount of travel or financial security that would make me want to choose that over my children. Is this something you could say to her?

Original poster

LesleyPumpshaft · 05/08/2012 11:23

Thanks smellyolddog and DawnOfTheDee. I was being rather sarcastic, and that wasn't good form. I love her to bits.

Tbh I have said before that I think their income would be fine and they would still be comfortable even if she gave up work. Sure, she might have to forgo some luxuries such as Neal's Yard products. Would that really be the end of the world though?

Fwiw, I was a single parent for years, I worked part time and did a degree. I still managed to do fun things with my son and I enjoyed the activities that were available over the school holidays and making friends with other mums.

OP posts:

WelshMaenad · 05/08/2012 11:23

I have quite a few childfree-by-choice pals and they've all done this at one time or another.

Thing us, everyone has different values, and they are talking about their own lives, which may well be better for not having children. It doesn't mean mine would be, or that they think I have made some kind of huge blunder in procreating, or that they hate my kids. We just have different priorities.

I think she's just using you as a sounding board while she rifle through it all, I wouldn't for a minute take it personally.

Adversecamber · 05/08/2012 11:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

squeakytoy · 05/08/2012 11:24

Maybe she is having fertility problems and is just putting a bit of a brave face on it.. (been there, done that, and said similar things to stop people going "awww such a shame" etc..)

Chubfuddler · 05/08/2012 11:25

What she's saying is true though. Her life would be curtailed. She would have less money. It's not vacuous to give consideration to these issues and weigh up whether she thinks it's worth it. Nor is it wrong to decide it isn't worth it.

lighthousekeeping · 05/08/2012 11:28

Sounds like she wants them to me. Perhaps they are already trying. I know three couples that were in the same boat, two were lucky to conceive in their forties with out hardly trying and the third split up because she was the one that spoke more publically about how children wouldn't fit in with their lifestyle. He was a daddy within a year, with his secretary.

bringbacksideburns · 05/08/2012 11:29

She's your best friend. She's probably just thinking aloud and not realising. So next time she does it just say jokingly but getting your point across something "Ok. Ok. Stop going on about it then! I've not got lots of money and i have a child so stop making me feel bad. It's not all doom and gloom!"

Original poster

LesleyPumpshaft · 05/08/2012 11:30

I'd be lying if I said I was a tad envious of the fact they are more comfortably off than us. I wouldn't change having DS though. I own my house outright, and while I'm not minted, I feel I am very fortunate to be in this position at my age. I wouldn't be able to become self employed otherwise, as I'd be working for the man.

I hope she isn't saying this because she is worried about her fertility. I hadn't even considered that.

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