To feel offended by childless friend telling me how much her life would suck if she had children?

[LesleyPumpshaft]

I want to know if I am being overly sensitive and if I ABU. My bessie mate has no children and she is coming to the end of her time so to speak. Her and her husband have good jobs and are better off than me and DP. I only have one teenage son, but he is a wallet vampire, and as soon as I get money together for anything I want, he'll need stuff. As you all know, family holidays and days out, meals are more expensive with kids. Then there's residential school trips etc.

The thing is, her DH wants children and she isn't sure. She keeps banging on about what a great life her and her husband have and about how she would have to stop work, or go part time if she had a baby. She'll then go on to say that having less money and not being able to do the things she wants would be horrible. She'll point out how she can buy what she wants and do what she wants, and she would hate it if that had to change. Then again, what if she left it too late and then regretted it?

Yesterday I got rather offended. Yes, I don't have as much money as her and my son is 13, so me and DP can't just do whatever we want. I do feel as though she is being a bit rude. AIBU to feel as though when she bangs on about this, there may be a slight element of female competitiveness and subtle put down?

So, I just told her yesterday 'you're right, don?t bother having kids because it's just really shit!'. Was I BU and a bit rude to say this? I love her to bits, but I feel as though she is pointing out how inadequate we are whenever she starts on this subject.

I agree with squeaky tbh.

Or that she´s frightened that it won´t happen so is saying she doesn´t want any/isn´t bothered.

She's being overly rude,

why couldn't she just say 'I couldn't really imagine having kids its not really for me.' why do people have to be offensive.

She sounds worried about having children if you ask me, maybe she is ttc.

Having children is an expensive pain in the arse. She's right. Yes, some of us have chosen this option, but the boredom and the expense and the stress are undeniable.

I think the media doesn't really help, it is so child centred.

If she's unsure there are pros and cons to every situation. I have told her before that being a parent is just different to not having children.

I won't deny that having children is expensive. Tbh I have forgotten what it's like to not be a parent!

I don't think she is being rude at all, she's being honest. Having children does mean your life completely changes and it's not always for the better.
She is not putting down YOUR choice, she is explaining why she has made HER choice. Don't you ever do this with your other friends who have made different choices?
For example a friend of mine has just had her third, she asked me if I ever considered having three, I said no and explained the reasons why. Would you expect her to be cross?
I work full-time and have plenty of friends who don't. If asked why they explain their reasons- I don't then have a strop about them "putting down" my choice.

How odd.

clemetteattlee Tbh I wouldn't really bring it up, because I personally feel it's a bit rude and it might cause offence. Maybe that's to do with my upbringing though.

Your upbringing taught you not to talk to your friends??

No, my parents always made a huge deal of being mindful about what you say and how you say it and how important it is to be sensitive to the feelings of others.

To the point where you wouldn't ask a friend a direct question abut their life?
Takes all sorts I suppose, but that doesn't sound sensitive, it sounds repressed, and it hasn't really prepared you for the realities of friendship by the sounds of your OP.

Without sounding like a pessimistic cow, having children isn't as easy as it sounds. You don't just have sex once and get pregnant and give birth. It can be a long hard road to get there to conceive, and you may even suffer losses along the way. If she was my close friend, I'd tell her that she still sounds unsure and to make her mind up ASAP because life throws alot of unsuspected crap at us when we think it won't.

Well, maybe it is repressed, but I don't see anything wrong with engaging the old grey matter before opening mouth.

I think you're being a bit hard on the OP clem. Each friendship is different and one person's 'polite' is another's 'repressed'.

I have a good friend who i could absolutely ask this kind of awkward direct question to. I have another who I wouldn't....i would wait for them to raise it if they wanted to discuss it with me.

Maybe she was actually asking you to tell her the good bits? If you own your home outright despite having been a single parent most of your son's life, then she's probably seeing you as bit of an oracle on making things work?

And did it get to you so much because you have a 'wallet vampire' and resent it? Can you think of a way to address that so you feel in more control of your earnings?

rainydaysarebad You aren't being pessimistic, everything you say is true. I feel like totally U old cow after starting this thread.

I'm going to have some woman to woman time with her, and have a chat to find out if she actually really wants children, or whether DH is putting pressure on her.

Also, point out that nobody is ever really 'ready' to become a parent. Tbh what you say about her needing to make her mind up asap is true. If she doesn't want children then her DH needs to respect that and back off, seeing as he won't be the one who has to squeeze a small person out of his bits and bobs!

Thanks

It sounds to me like she's genuinely trying to decide and wants your feedback. Maybe she's actually leaning towards it and wants to hear from you how it might be possible for her. I'd speak up a bit. But don't be so sensitive for yourself.

But she's not talking about YOU, Lesley, she's talking about HER and her own circumstances. I see this time and again here, anybody who talks about anything, any subject, can inadvertently offend somebody else who has or is in, perceived 'undesirable' circumstances.

You could also suggest that perhaps she speaks to somebody else on the subject if it's not one that you want to cover but I think it is a little unfair of you to know that she's deliberating, wants a sounding board - and then to make it all about you.

If you love your friend to bits as you say you do, tell her that her comments make you feel x,y,z... I'd hate to talk to a friend and have them feel that I was putting them down. Are you friends or not?

Tell her that if she isn't sure then she's right not to have a baby. It requires a lot of effort, commitment and compromise and if she's not up for that then she really shouldn't be made to feel that she ought to have a child.

Is she worried that her OH will leave her and set up with another woman who wants children?

you WBU.

It is not about you, she was not trying to put you down. She is trying to make things clear for herself. It is odd you feel so sensitive, and reacted like that (maybe touched a nerve...?)

I have a friend who talks like this, and I always "agree" thinking secretly that my DSs are lovely and I am the lucky one. But I would not want to make a decision for her.

I have told her numerous times that she should do what she feels is right. Also, that I see no reason why her and her partner wouldn't have a good quality of life if they had a baby. They don't have a big mortgage and I see plenty of families leading fulfilling lives on less than what her DH earns. This is why I don't really understand what her issue is.

I'm not rich, but still manage to go away on holidays, go out for family meals etc. I'm the sort of person who doesn't give a rats arse about having a flashy car etc, but neither is she frankly. Maybe there is an underlying issue. Her and her DH would make fab parents too. Perhaps I need to stress this to her?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Tbh I know I have been a nobber about this and I do actually appreciate people pointing out that I'm BU.