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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To let my sister know convenient dates (for me) for her wedding

88 replies

BelRowley · 05/08/2012 05:27

My sister has just (2 weeks ago) announced her engagement. She's 30ish and been living with the bloke for a few years. We are not especially close, but get on well. I'm not likely to be massively involved in the wedding planning in that we won't be regularly chatting about photographers, dresses, venues etc (you know how you might with people you see all the time).

I have 2 DCs, live on the other side of the world and my eldest DC starts school in January next year. The school hols are at very different times here than in the UK.

She has started considering dates and looking at venues. We had been exchanging a few emails and I just asked, "Any plans for the wedding? Can I let you know the school holiday dates here?" - these were my actual words - and didn't hear a thing back. It's been a few days, but she's busy, I didn't think anything of it.

My Mum then called to tell me I was BU to "hassle" my sister and making the wedding all about me. I haven't even managed to convey the dates yet. I just really want to go to the wedding and want to be able to take the DCs, but if it's in the middle of term that's going to be difficult. We don't want to go all that way for 1 week (that 24 hour journey with 2 small kids, the jet lag, all the families being there and wanting to see us), which is what I think we'd have to do in term time and if it were in the holidays or near the holidays, we could stay a couple of weeks and make the trip worthwhile. My thought process was that if she had a choice of a few dates, then she might consider our limitations.

What do you think?! AIBU to have mentioned the concept of school holidays. Would I BU to just go the whole hog and actually tell her the dates so that I can get them out there and then she can get over her feeling of being hassled eventually and forgive me in good time before the wedding?!

OP posts:

ben5 · 05/08/2012 05:35

I take it your dd will be starting kindy. she will only be at school 2.5 days a week. much easier to take her out of school now than when they are older and taking exams. I would send her the term dates and explain that you would like to spend abit more time in the UK than the week of her wedding.
Good luck with the flight and I take it you are in Oz?

savoycabbage · 05/08/2012 05:36

Perhaps you could send her an email with the dates on, but in a couple of weeks.

You are saying 'I want to go' 'I want my dc to go' and that might be a bit irritating to them, like you are trying to make it about you and that you want the date of her wedding to be picked around your children's school holidays. I would be if my sister was saying 'the first two Saturdays in July of the 25th of september is good for me'

Original poster

BelRowley · 05/08/2012 05:38

Yes, I'm in Oz - I think it's called kindy, but she'll be going 5 days a week from the start. Perhaps we are in different states?

Thanks for replying. I think that it would be better if I have the whole conversation with my sister rather than via my mother, you're right.

OP posts:

savoycabbage · 05/08/2012 05:45

In some states kindergarten in the first year at school and in others it's like nursery.

My dds school were very supportive when we took dd out to go to the uk. We did about an hour of 'lessons' a day and she got more from the trip than she would have from school.

HesterBurnitall · 05/08/2012 05:49

In NSW kindergarten is FYOS and taking them out in term time is dependent on the goodwill of the head.

I don't think you're being UR OP, but everything around weddings seems to be a drama for many.

OhNoMyFoot · 05/08/2012 05:55

I think your sister has proved you've got no chance tbh

I think you've more chance by mentioning the dates to your mum, just say it was so that she would have the wedding in nov or dec mum it's just that if she was considering those dates I would want her to know we can come and of course then we can stay longer than if just coming for the wedding.

Original poster

BelRowley · 05/08/2012 05:56

Yes, first year of school - that's it. I did wonder about whether it was actually possible to take them out or not - we should know the date long before she actually starts school, so will have time to work out a plan, I guess.

I should perhaps have let the bubbles settle in the champagne glasses before charging in, but was worried she'd just get on and organise it and I wouldn't know until it was a fait accompli.

My family are the kind of colonials who find it impossible to understand why we don't have a long school holiday here in August, their logic being "because that's what they do in England". Um, because it's winter, doofuses (doofii?). So I need to tell them at some point.

Not that I expect them to get married in January when we do have a long holiday, you understand!

OP posts:

LurkingAndLearningLovesCats · 05/08/2012 06:07

I think she was being bridezilla-y to get your mother to put you on the naughty stool. Honestly, she's thirty! She can talk to you herself surely?

I don't think you are BU to ask if you can tell her school dates if she's only in the 'deciding a date' stage. Since it sounds like she's going to be quite dramatic whatever you do, I'd send an email along the lines of:

Hey sis,

I'm sorry if this sounds rude but Dh, DC and I would love to come to your wedding, I miss you terribly. However missing a week of school isn't an option for us. Here are Aussie term dates. We understand you cannot plan your wedding around us so I wanted to let you know this in advance.

Love, BelRowley

That way you've covered yourself from the get go that you will not be uprooting your children for such a long flight for a 'non-holiday' and you've let her know you're telling her because you do what to see her.

So, YANBU.

P.S. I'm an Aussie too! Love seeing others on the forum.

PeggyCarter · 05/08/2012 06:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

merrymouse · 05/08/2012 07:02

As you say, I suspect your family haven't registered that this would be a problem. (Particularly if there aren't many other grandchildren).

Agree with Lurking that you need to send another email explaining your problem and also conveying that you don't want to put any pressure on them.

YellowDinosaur · 05/08/2012 07:10

I don't think its off at all for you to do this! Isn't the point of your wedding that you want those you love to be able to actually be there?

When we got married we asked all close family and the wedding party about dates before we booked anything to make sure they would be there. I'm amazed this isn't normal!

Longtalljosie · 05/08/2012 07:17

The fact is that every venue she looks at is likely to be mostly booked up for the next 18 months, with the odd Saturday / Sunday still in play. Where she actually wants to get married will be one factor, as will the date or two each venue can offer.

With the best will in the world, your very small child's school holidays shouldn't really be that much of a factor. Unless you're saying you'll be prosecuted by taking them out of kindy in that time? If they'll just be cross with you if they say no and you go regardless, then that's probably something you'll just have to take on the chin.

Bigwheel · 05/08/2012 07:20

Uabu. Have you not considered that there may be many more people in the uk she has to consider in terms of school hols? Friends, other family members, themselves, not only those ith kids, but also those who are teachers etc. your child is only in kindergarten so I presume he's 4/5/6? Taking her out of school at that age, even if it's for 2/3 weeks is hardy going to matter. She may also really want a summer / winter wedding, it's totally her choice. She may want to consider what is best for you and ask you, in which case you can tell her, otherwise don't say a thing. You say yourself your not especially close so I'm struggling to understand why you would think she would put your needs above her own and that of all her other guests, especially when your child is so young.

PinkNose · 05/08/2012 07:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Kveta · 05/08/2012 07:26

Yanbu

My family told Dh and I when suited them for our wedding. So that's when we booked it. Didn't stop my sister from deciding not to come then blaming me for it being too short notice (7 months?).

WinkyWinkola · 05/08/2012 07:28

I know you're keen to go but personally, I just wouldn't say anything and try and work with dates they decide.

I say this because they sound utterly uninterested and unsympathetic to your constraints and your mentioning dates is simply going give them fuel to their "This wedding isn't about you. You're so selfish." fire.

exoticfruits · 05/08/2012 07:30

Of course YANU. She must know that people can't just fly from the other side of the world for a few days. (well they can - but they don't generally)
I would call her or email her and just say 'sorry, mum says that you think we are hassling you - we don't want to dictate your dates it is just that we really want to fly over and share such an important day but it might not be possible if it happens to be the school term.' Then give her the holiday dates but say that of course she shouldn't be restricted if she wants different and that you will catch up with her next time you are over.

ivykaty44 · 05/08/2012 07:31

TBH I don't think it is going to matter if you take your eldest out of school for a few weeks to go to your home country and a wedding. It does appear that you are trying to make the wedding about you and I think I would be miffed about this - sorry if that's not what you want to hear.

I know when I was growing up we had family and friends in Australia and they often took dc out of school and went abroad for a few months to travel to the Uk, there it didn't seem to matter and was encouraged as experiances for the dc and good to see family and friends back home.

Sunnydelight · 05/08/2012 07:34

I don't think it was unreasonable to to mention different holidays, but maybe your sister is now feeling that if she chooses your term time you will take it as a deliberate slight and as others have said there might be a lot of competing demands on her choice of date.

We're in Sydney - our school doesn't give a flying fig if you take primary kids out for a few weeks to see overseas family (we have lots of pupils where this is the case), they are not terribly happy once they move to high school although I have never heard of an actual refusal. Not sure if this is more of a private school thing, but tbh I can't see any Australian school being too fussed about a kindy kid, you are more likely to hear "lucky you, have fun".

storminabuttercup · 05/08/2012 07:34

Your sister knows you will have to plan to get to the wedding, if you were my sister I would have asked early on when you could make it over. The fact that she hasn't asked means that either she hasnt begun to think about dates, or that she has no intention of planning around you. Hopefully it's the first one. I think your wording did make it sound like you were giving her the dates you wanted her to have her wedding, so you can see why she was peeved, but getting your mum to tell you was a bit childish.

I would just leave the ball in her court tbh

Jollyb · 05/08/2012 07:35

No i don't think you're BU. DP's Australian and when we finally set the date it will be in the Australian school holidays so his family can attend.

Ample · 05/08/2012 07:37

YANBU but depends on how you approach/tackle the situation
Having family scattered worldwide and having had the experience of living overseas long distance, I understand where you are coming from.
You want to go and when it's convenient for you with term times as you will be travelling quite a distance for the occasion. I don't see why that should be a problem to let her know. She would BU to think that you can simply pack a bag and be there no matter what the date.
Just word it gently

RubyrooUK · 05/08/2012 07:37

I think it is unreasonable to expect them to book their wedding date to suit you. They probably have numerous family members or close friends with preferred dates.

When I got married, my FIL wanted us to work around his church duties, my MIL wanted us to work around respite care for her elderly relative. My brother wanted us to choose a date our uncle could make it from abroad. My SIL wanted it to be a specific month as her work is planned very far in advance. And so on....

In the end, we tried to suit everyone but even planning a year and a half ahead, there were only two dates left that year at the venue we wanted.

I do think though it's fair enough to email and say: "Hiya, hope all the wedding preparations are going well. Sorry, mum mentioned you felt a bit hassled by me offering to send you dates we could make. I didn't mean to be annoying; I am just so so excited about your wedding and didn't want to miss it. Due to the school terms here, you can't take kids out during term time and I wanted to come in the holidays to spend as much time with you as possible. Really love and miss you, OP".

Ample · 05/08/2012 07:40

And just because you could take you dc out of school for a few weeks. Would you want to? Tbh I wouldn't.

tryingtoleave · 05/08/2012 07:43

We just took ds out of kindy for a week to go skiing and the school didn't seem fussed at all. I do think it might differ from school to school, however. Also, I wouldn't have wanted ds to miss more than a week.

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