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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To let my sister know convenient dates (for me) for her wedding

88 replies

BelRowley · 05/08/2012 05:27

My sister has just (2 weeks ago) announced her engagement. She's 30ish and been living with the bloke for a few years. We are not especially close, but get on well. I'm not likely to be massively involved in the wedding planning in that we won't be regularly chatting about photographers, dresses, venues etc (you know how you might with people you see all the time).

I have 2 DCs, live on the other side of the world and my eldest DC starts school in January next year. The school hols are at very different times here than in the UK.

She has started considering dates and looking at venues. We had been exchanging a few emails and I just asked, "Any plans for the wedding? Can I let you know the school holiday dates here?" - these were my actual words - and didn't hear a thing back. It's been a few days, but she's busy, I didn't think anything of it.

My Mum then called to tell me I was BU to "hassle" my sister and making the wedding all about me. I haven't even managed to convey the dates yet. I just really want to go to the wedding and want to be able to take the DCs, but if it's in the middle of term that's going to be difficult. We don't want to go all that way for 1 week (that 24 hour journey with 2 small kids, the jet lag, all the families being there and wanting to see us), which is what I think we'd have to do in term time and if it were in the holidays or near the holidays, we could stay a couple of weeks and make the trip worthwhile. My thought process was that if she had a choice of a few dates, then she might consider our limitations.

What do you think?! AIBU to have mentioned the concept of school holidays. Would I BU to just go the whole hog and actually tell her the dates so that I can get them out there and then she can get over her feeling of being hassled eventually and forgive me in good time before the wedding?!

OP posts:

exoticfruits · 05/08/2012 07:44

I am amazed at the amount of people who think that you can just afford flights for a family for an inconvenient time and a short time, or that it is perfectly OK to take a DC out of school for 3 weeks ( my minimum for that amount of flight).
If she is really keen to have you there she would be pleased to have your dates early.

exoticfruits · 05/08/2012 07:45

A week would be OK but a small DC needs more than a week with that length of flight.

TandB · 05/08/2012 07:46

I don't think YABU at all.

When did weddings become such a precious, delicate thing that one of the bride's closest relatives (who she presumably wants there) can't even mention that there will be a potential issue re dates, before she finds herself expected to travel thousands of miles for a matter of a few days?

I think an awful lot of people need to get a little more robust about their wedding arrangements and remember that they are presumably inviting people because they like them and actually want them there!

ovenchips · 05/08/2012 07:47

You are her sister so presumably one of the main guests to consider, and you are having to travel the longest distance it is possible to do, so the trip needs a bit of thought.

YANBU.

Don't know if it will get you anywhere though from the sounds of it, if your sister is not considering how to make it doable for you and in fact taking immediate offence if you mention it.

fivegomadindorset · 05/08/2012 07:48

My friend has just taken out her 3 children from school for 4 months with her schools blessing (Victoria). so in answer to your question YABU

DuckingHell · 05/08/2012 07:48

When DD was 9 and DS was 4 we took them both out of school for 3 weeks to go and see my parents over the other side of the world, the school said it was a fantastic opportunity for them and happily allowed it, a year on and it had no ill effect on their school work at all.

I wouldn't do it if they were in high school.

exoticfruits · 05/08/2012 07:51

I wouldn't really care who took their DCs out of school and for how long- I wouldn't take mine out, especially when they had just started.

Bigwheel · 05/08/2012 07:54

The child is in kindergarden. A few people have mentioned that schools over there, as here, don't mind if you take them out during term time for over sea trips. If you were my sister I would be very annoyed that you weren't willing to do that to attend my wedding. Fair enough if you had secondary / high school age kids, but kindergarden!

tryingtoleave · 05/08/2012 07:55

Five, would you want to take your dcs out of school for four months? I wouldn't, probably the op wouldn't, so it's not really relevant that your friend wanted to.

naturalbaby · 05/08/2012 07:56

I wouldn't be surprised if she deliberately chose a date that's in the middle of your dd's term time, would you? You'll just have to plan the worst case scenario and expect that she'll expect the world to revolve around her.

She must have some idea of what month, or at least time of year she wants to get married.

fivegomadindorset · 05/08/2012 07:57

I am just pointing out taht she may be allowed to for the two/three weeks she is talking about and my friend is doing homeschooling with them everyday, and yes I would quite happily. Her child is 4.5 not 16.

Catsu · 05/08/2012 07:57

She's only got engaged 2 weeks ago! Of course if you are already asking her if she had her dates planned yet? And has she thought of school holidays? Is hassling her.
Especially as you say you're not particularly close and won't be chatting to her about any of the other details. If does make it sound a bit like you're making it all about you.

I bet she's just said in passing to you'd mum ' op has emailed me asking me what date I'm thinking of to see if it fits in with her school holidays. Its a bit soon to be thinking of dates it's only been 2 weeks!'

Did you just dive straight in with that question about dates or did you make any attempt to ask her about the wedding in terms that doesn't involve you? 'so excited about your wedding sis, have you told everyone the news now? Got ideas on what kind if dress/do you want?' etc

VolAuVent · 05/08/2012 07:58

Agree with RubyrooUK

"I think it is unreasonable to expect them to book their wedding date to suit you. They probably have numerous family members or close friends with preferred dates."

exoticfruits · 05/08/2012 08:00

If you are not close enough for her to consult you on dates I would wait and see and only go if convenient. If I had a sister in Australia I would discuss it with her first - if I wanted her there.

juneau · 05/08/2012 08:01

You're being massively U! Do you really think your sister should plan HER wedding around the dates YOUR KID'S school can accommodate? Would you plan YOUR wedding around her kid's school dates? No, I didn't think so.

Plus, if your child was about to take important exams I'd understand, but she's about to start kindergarten. Is she really going to miss such important work if you take her out for a couple of weeks? No, of course she isn't. You're massively self-involved.

McHappyPants2012 · 05/08/2012 08:06

YABU it is there wedding and the date should suit them. The date i had is very near DS birthday and close to bank hoilday mondays....we then can plan a weekend of celebrations or weekends away.

naturalbaby · 05/08/2012 08:07

People do book wedding dates to suit the majority of family and friends - e.g choosing a saturday and avoiding key sporting events (we planned ours around the F1!).

I know not all sisters are very close but being hostile towards your sister who wants to be there for your big day is U.

ToysRNotUs · 05/08/2012 08:08

We have the same problem in reverse, we have had a few sibling weddings in Australia to go to and the dates haven't always suited.

We've had one we all went to, being away 7 nights, but with the travel time only there a short while, we had one we went for 14 nights and it was much better.

The last one, despite us trying to gently suggest when we could/couldn't come, was a tricky time of year and DH went alone for only 5 nights. They were less than impressed with us suggesting months we could do when they were planning and then pissed off that it was only DH!

I think if they don't ask what dates will work for you I think you need to keep quiet.

If they don't bother asking then they aren't really bothered whether it puts you out or not.

3duracellbunnies · 05/08/2012 08:11

Do you already know which school it will be? Can you ask other parents or the school what the likely attitude will be. A friend of dd was off for a month in yr R (due to illness) and made no difference to academic progress or friendships.

diddl · 05/08/2012 08:15

Well she has only been engaged 2wks.

If you´re not that close-will she even be bothered about your husband & children being there?

lovebunny · 05/08/2012 08:16

i'd think someone was cheeky if they wanted me to plan my wedding round their children's school holidays. on the other hand, if i wanted my sister at the wedding, i'd take it into consideration.

i think you did the right thing by telling her, early in the preparations, when the school holidays are, especially if you don't intend to take the children out of school to attend.

HesterBurnitall · 05/08/2012 08:25

How does "Any plans for the wedding? Can I let you know the school holiday dates here?" turn into hassling, demanding the sister plan her wedding around "YOUR KID" or even expecting to be accommodated? It's mild verging on tentative. What is it about getting married that distorts perspective so for some?

OP if your dd is at a private school she'll get about three weeks in July/August, state school two weeks. In your sister's shoes I wold have been happy to know that and would have tried to accommodate it, assuming a summer wedding. Then again, if you'd irritated me I would have been big enough to tell you myself. However, now that your sister is getting married, nothing you say or do will be reasonable in some posters eyes. She's, gasp, getting married, how dare you tentatively offer information?

Chandon · 05/08/2012 08:25

Yabu.

Unless she would have asked which dates suit you.

You cannot expect other's peoples lives to evolve around your kids. Sorry

trixymalixy · 05/08/2012 08:33

YAB a bit U. When we planned our wedding there were literally only about 3 dates where both the venue and the chapel were both free. This was over a year in advance and we really didn't want to have an engagement of more than a year. If we then had to make sure the dates suited every family member's needs then we'd never have booked it!!!

I don't think it's that bad to point out when the school holidays are to your sister as it may not have occurred to her, but I would leave it now. She'll ask if she's that bothered.

exoticfruits · 05/08/2012 08:43

People are really strange. To me family means that they know you well and you can just be straightforward and honest-it is very sad if you have to walk on eggshells and draft and redraft an email in case it upsets someone!
Obviously sister takes offence really easily (very strange to go through the mother-why not just joke directly with OP as in ' hang on, we have only just got engaged-don't jump the gun!!') so best to leave it for now. If she really wants you there she will ask for dates and if she just announces it without a chat then you being there isn't important.

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