To let my sister know convenient dates (for me) for her wedding

[BelRowley]

My sister has just (2 weeks ago) announced her engagement. She's 30ish and been living with the bloke for a few years. We are not especially close, but get on well. I'm not likely to be massively involved in the wedding planning in that we won't be regularly chatting about photographers, dresses, venues etc (you know how you might with people you see all the time).

I have 2 DCs, live on the other side of the world and my eldest DC starts school in January next year. The school hols are at very different times here than in the UK.

She has started considering dates and looking at venues. We had been exchanging a few emails and I just asked, "Any plans for the wedding? Can I let you know the school holiday dates here?" - these were my actual words - and didn't hear a thing back. It's been a few days, but she's busy, I didn't think anything of it.

My Mum then called to tell me I was BU to "hassle" my sister and making the wedding all about me. I haven't even managed to convey the dates yet. I just really want to go to the wedding and want to be able to take the DCs, but if it's in the middle of term that's going to be difficult. We don't want to go all that way for 1 week (that 24 hour journey with 2 small kids, the jet lag, all the families being there and wanting to see us), which is what I think we'd have to do in term time and if it were in the holidays or near the holidays, we could stay a couple of weeks and make the trip worthwhile. My thought process was that if she had a choice of a few dates, then she might consider our limitations.

What do you think?! AIBU to have mentioned the concept of school holidays. Would I BU to just go the whole hog and actually tell her the dates so that I can get them out there and then she can get over her feeling of being hassled eventually and forgive me in good time before the wedding?!

Email your sister the school holiday dates (and cc: your mum).
If you call them "your preferred dates", it sounds like you are trying to make the wedding about your needs.
If you simply say these are the holiday dates, we would all love to be able to come to the wedding but taking time away from school is tricky just like it is in the UK so I'm giving you this information in case you want to bear it in mind.
Then never mention dates again.

I can see what you meant but what you said sounds awfully entitled/pushy.

On the basis you are talking about a 4 or 5 year old, I think you are being unreasonable, its not going to matter missing school at that stage. If you really aren't prepared to take your child out of school then perhaps it might not be possible for you (and or your child) to attend. Not reasonable to expect her to book wedding around your child's school. Totally ok to mention the term dates though, no doubt it will be one consideration of many.

YAB a bit U. My family drove me mad when I was organising our wedding (7 months notice). The venue we really wanted and could afford had limited dates in the Aug/Sept that we wanted to get married. We had just announced our engagement and we discussed the optional dates with family.

My father said that he couldn't make any of those as he had ferry tickets to France (he has a house there) and planned to be away those weeks and couldn't change the ferry ticket it as it would cost him a fiver to change the date.

My sister said that she didn't like weddings in Aug/Sept and thought we should move it to the following spring, she usually saw friends those months at the weekend and that it was very inconvenient if we had it then.

My other sister said she was trying to conceive and couldnt bear the idea of being pregnant in the wedding photos, so could we wait until she had had a baby?

They are normally lovely people, but weddings seemed to send them crazy.

Perhaps your DS is having those sort of conversations with others.

You do have my sympathy though OP, I wouldn't be annoyed if my sister brought this up (she also lives in a different hemisphere to me!). And if I was, I'd call her, not my mum!

Unbelievable Lambzig!! What is it about weddings that does this to ordinary people?!

OP on the face of it I don't think YABU but you could have been the last in a long line of people who had given your sister your 'preferred dates', the straw that broke the camel's back so to speak. It could be that mil2b has been going on about how they couldn't do x, y or z because a, b or c wouldn't be able to make it.

You say there's nobody else abroad, apart from a friend, does that include the grooms family? Does any of the grooms family have other reasons to not be able to do certain dates, ie older children doing important exams?

It could be that your sister was having a moan to your mum about not having been engaged long and is already having people 'pressurising' her about the wedding. This could have led to your mum contacting you of her own bat without your sister having asked her.

Tried to call but she's off watching the marathon. I have replied to our stream of short back and forward messages that we have been exchanging since the engagement with this:

"Hi - sorry - didn't mean to hassle you. Just over excited about your wonderful news and don't want to miss the big day. Will leave you floating about on a cloud of joy before compulsively planning. Sorry again. xxx"

I've put it out there and it's up to her (and all the other people and all the other considerations that you have all pointed out that she will have) if she can make it easier for us.

Thank you again everyone.

lambzig I hope that I haven't made it into some kind of list like yours. You poor thing - those reasons don't sound as good as mine although I'm biased

Like Lambzig said, everybody and their grandma will have an opinion about suitable dates and venues. Mostly the opinion will be "no, I don't like it". I swore that if one more person tells me that I should have the wedding in....at...instead of my chosen date and time, I would call the whole thing off.

at "I don't want to look pregnant so just wait til I've had my baby that has not been conceived yet"

I think perhaps your sister is being a bit of a drama queen but she may be being actually hassled by other people over dates and therefore anyone else even asking will only add to it. Your mum shouldn't have got involved like that, your sister should have been the one to email back but not knowing your sister, perhaps she has a temper or says the wrong thing when stressed?

It could be that she didn't want to snap at you and may not have even said you were hassling her, but that she was feeling hasselled by everyone and your mum is being the dram queen- cue you getting the most blame- though her ignoring your email does tally with your mum saying.

Another thing to consider is, are your kids invited? Some people have kid-free weddings so if she hadn't actually invited you and the family then it would be a bit presumptuous-especially if you aren't close.

I would email her, make it clear you are excited about her wedding and hoping to come-that you understand why she felt a bit hasselled but that wasn't your intention, you were just very excited.

Shouldn't you wait for her to ask you about dates? She may be feeling under pressure and yes, you have just added a little more. Do think Rubyroo's suggestion is a good one