To let my sister know convenient dates (for me) for her wedding

[BelRowley]

My sister has just (2 weeks ago) announced her engagement. She's 30ish and been living with the bloke for a few years. We are not especially close, but get on well. I'm not likely to be massively involved in the wedding planning in that we won't be regularly chatting about photographers, dresses, venues etc (you know how you might with people you see all the time).

I have 2 DCs, live on the other side of the world and my eldest DC starts school in January next year. The school hols are at very different times here than in the UK.

She has started considering dates and looking at venues. We had been exchanging a few emails and I just asked, "Any plans for the wedding? Can I let you know the school holiday dates here?" - these were my actual words - and didn't hear a thing back. It's been a few days, but she's busy, I didn't think anything of it.

My Mum then called to tell me I was BU to "hassle" my sister and making the wedding all about me. I haven't even managed to convey the dates yet. I just really want to go to the wedding and want to be able to take the DCs, but if it's in the middle of term that's going to be difficult. We don't want to go all that way for 1 week (that 24 hour journey with 2 small kids, the jet lag, all the families being there and wanting to see us), which is what I think we'd have to do in term time and if it were in the holidays or near the holidays, we could stay a couple of weeks and make the trip worthwhile. My thought process was that if she had a choice of a few dates, then she might consider our limitations.

What do you think?! AIBU to have mentioned the concept of school holidays. Would I BU to just go the whole hog and actually tell her the dates so that I can get them out there and then she can get over her feeling of being hassled eventually and forgive me in good time before the wedding?!

If we then had to make sure the dates suited every family member's needs then we'd never have booked it!!!

How many were essential guests who lived on the other side of the world? Not many is my guess.

Yanbu. You didn't do it in a hassling way or suggest that if the wedding was in term time you would have a strop. You merely sought to give her relevant info she might want to consider if she wants you there for a reasonable length of time.

What's more, you sought to give her the info early enough so that it wouldn't mess up any plans. What would have been U would be if you had let her know when she had already planned where and when to have it.

I think that her flouncing off and complaining to your mother was extremely unreasonable, particularly as you are going to be spending thousands on coming to the wedding what with flights and accommodation, which she is just taking for granted.

Perhaps your sister was planning a child-free wedding? It's probably best to wait and see if your whole family are invited before suggesting dates.

Yanbu. I would not talk to her about it again though. She clearly is not receptive to knowing the dates and her and your mum are whining about you wanting to let her know the dates. You are definitely not being ur but I would just let them get on with it now and go if you can, if you can't decline with the reason.

Yanbu. My brother took my leave dates into consideration when planning his wedding (I'm an academic) and it was brilliant. We could fly half way across the world and also see family etc.

My SIL on the other hand (dh's brother's second wife) when planning their wedding went straight for the dates we told her we couldn't do - because we were due that weekend. And they now harp on and on about how his only brother couldn't be his best man and be at the wedding - and how they've never seen dniece because her birthday is always inconveniently on and around their wedding anniversary.

We had 'essential guests' from nearly every continent at our wedding. My cousin from Canada, best man from south Africa, PIL from America, dh's family from the Carribbean, BIL from HK and we came from Australia as did various friends.

Madness.

Another example - my cousin is getting married and we are th closest thing she has to close family in this country. She checked school dates with us because of my uni dates and because of her dnephew starting reception in sept. of course her fiancé is also a teacher so she needs to get the dates all right!!

Essential guests vs would like to have guests. I know who I'd prioritize. Yanbu.

YANBU, but a different phrasing might have been better. I got married earlier this year, and my best friend sent me an email telling me when would be good for her. Given that DH, his family, me and my family were living in 5 different countries at the time, and in the middle of an international move, I have to admit my first thought was 'fuck off'!!

YANBU but agree that your phrasing could have been better.....

what are you going to do though if she books the wedding to suit you and then can't make it herself? I have friends who had to plan their wedding around both the bride and grooms work, otherwise they wouldn't have been able to be together on the same day - which is kind of important when they are the people getting married. It did mean that a couple of guests couldn't make it

YANBU

I'm with exotic - this is your SISTER!

What kind of family must you have if being accommodating of your sister when she is travelling around the the world for your wedding is too much trouble.

But couldn´t OP have waited until asked?

Her sister has only been engaged two weeks!

When I got engaged, my first thought wasn´t-oh let´s arrange it to be convenient to my sister.

If you are not that close then it would seem a tiny bit U op. Do you know for definite that she is planning a wedding, or more a long engagement? Do you know if she wants a family wedding or an intimate Carribbean wedding?

I would have thought the polite social norm would have been to phone and congratulate her verbally, then ask for her plans and ideas, then say you would love to come. If she said she was equally excited to see you, then I would have broached the subject of when she was thinking of tying the knot.

Just by rushing in there with your take on things, it seems like you've made it about you, even if you don't mean too. I think it was mainly the timing and the way you did it. And the way you are talking about YOU getting a longer trip in and YOU getting more time with the family, that's probably what is irking her. When you do arrive, the excitement won't be around the wedding, it will be around your arrival, accommodating you and the GC being back.

I'm an ex-pat (though not far away granted) and if I have to factor in costs and holiday timings etc, then it is my own fault - I decided to move after all, not my family. You become the high maintenance friend or family member - people have to go out of their way to ensure your dc receive their cards and gifts on time, pay postage costs, pay out large amounts of money to come and see you, have to take time off to visit around flights etc.

The one thing that does put us off moving to Oz is the fact that it would cost the equiv of a Ford Focus for our family to visit. It's your problem regarding costs and timings, not hers I'm afraid.

Presumably she has had time for a few thoughts in the last fortnight.

Again - this is her SISTER

It's her problem if her sister can't make it to her wedding because she refuses to talk to her about when she can travel.

It may be her Sister as people are posting, but reread the ops post. She isn't close to her, and won't even be bothering to get involved in any of the wedding plans and preparation.

They didn't even have a conversation on the phone about her engagement!

Thanks everyone. I was trying to sound casual in my email - we had been messaging backwards and forward on the proposal, the ring etc and so it was supposed to be a subtle hint, with intent.

There's no one else overseas, except a good friend of hers who lives in Florida. I don't think she has kids, but she may well have preferred dates.

3duracellbunnies that is a great idea to ask other parents at the school. I will do that. Thank you.

AKiss I had literally not considered at all that it could be a childfree wedding so I guess I have been quite self involved. Argh. I had a childfree wedding after all, but then none of us had kids then. My DDs are the only kids in the family and if they are not invited then I guess that would solve the problem but Oh my - I just hadn't considered that and it is very much out there. I'd be v sad though for 5 yo DD - she'd be devastated. Oops. Anyway - will not worry about that for now.

diddl I know - I should have waited - I said that before and feel bad. I am just a get things sorted kind of person and I put my feelings ahead of hers, I guess.

No, I don't want to take DD out of school unless I have to. I know that it's only the first year, but I would prefer not to for the disruption it would cause.

I will send a nice email (possibly copied and pasted from some of the suggestions above) while everyone is in the glow of Olympic happiness and then stop meddling. Thank you.

Yes, but OP has said that they are not close.

My sister & child are abroad & it did become very about them & showing off the only GC at my wedding.

Only time mum & I have ever argued.

I booked at a time they could come & she pulled out 2days before.

And I would have said that we were close!

Mumsnet, i believe we have possibly just witnessed the birth of FIANCEZILLA

"and won't even be bothering to get involved in any of the wedding plans and preparation."

Pretty hard when you´re half way around the world to offer much more than an opinion, I would have thought!

You are maybe being a bit unreasonable. IMO a sister getting married is far more important than school especially for such a small child. I'd move heaven and earth to be there. She doesn't sound like she has been v reasonable herself in her reaction though. Maybe there are other underlying issues here....

I think YABU. My sister lives in Oz and I told her my wedding date and I wasn't changing it for anyone. So my dad paid for them to fly over for 8 weeks. They had a ball and the kids went to school here with their cousins of the same age. But I'll be honest, dh and I chose a date for us not for everyone else. We had a few family members who couldn't come and we had their cards read out at the wedding. My marriage was for me and dh not my sister.

But you can still offer that opinion, look on websites, give feedback, send ideas, be involved in that way. I helped my friend organise her Wedding in Chile, from Switzerland, when she needed calm second opinions.

Truly the first questions of a close sister excited about her wedding would be "what are you plans and ideas..?"

Not "OK, this is when I can accommodate your wedding?"

Being so far away she doesn't even know if the sister is getting grief from her future PILs about dates, or her and her fiancées work. It doesn't sound from the posting like she'd been asked.

innergoddess I understand what you are saying. There's a few reasons that we haven't actually spoken (boring ones like holidays, time differences, me working like a crazy woman) but I could definitely have made more effort. Perhaps I'll call her tonight.

The other thing - apart from me really wanting to go - is that the rest of my family, whom I am closer to, would be pretty cross with me if we weren't there. I also think it would cast a shadow on my Mum's day for a start. She'd be a bit sad about it. It's not that I have tickets on myself, but she just loves it when we are altogether and would expect a wedding to be one of those times. I know that weddings are utimately about the couple, but they are usually family occasions too.

I'm sure it will be alright. My Mum seems to be really treading on egg shells with my sister about the whole wedding. Don't really know why, but will try to smooth the waters and then stay well out of it.