To think that a 12 hour day is not a good enough reason to

[Ouluckyduck]

think you can come in from work and do nothing but pour the wine and switch on the tv, not getting in any way involved with putting the children to bed.

This is my brother btw not my dh! Him and his wife are going through a major crisis. My mum thinks my dsil doesn't appreciate how hard he works and its driving me mad to listen to her telling everyone how unreasonable dsil's expectations are!

I feel sorry for the children who have almost no contact with one or other parent during the working week due to work. It must be horrible to know that daddy is in the house but not prepared to spend half an hour with you in the evening because he is "too tired".

"I don't think the comparisons between the two working days come into it really."

of course it does, because whoever has been off all day at home is going to tell a better bedtime story (cause we can actually see the book on front of us!), and will enjoy the bedtime more and it'll be more quality time for both the parent and child. I'ld rather do bedtime when I can do "voices" at story time and have a giggle with DS when he's in the bath than when I am monotone and shattered!

I haven't said that he should be reading stories, giving piggy back rides or anything else. I said that the sad bit is the unwillingness to be part of his family. It doesn't take much to have a child sit next to you and make 'mmm' noises while they tell you about their day.

My dp works 11/12 hour shifts with an hour travelling each way, and before we moved in together he would work 6am - 5pm, then pick his 2 dcs up from their mums, feed them, put them to bed, take them to school and nursery in the morning then go to work 12-12am.

He was shattered, but if he didn't do that then he would only see he kids one day a week on his day off, that way he could have them overnight 2/3 times.

Now we live together I won't expect him to start cleaning when he gets home, and I will cook for all of us (I have a dd from a previous relationship too) on the nights he has his children and help with bedtime/breakfast/getting ready for school. On days off there will be things I expect him to do, like building the bloody wardrobe that's been propped up in the hallway for a week but not deep cleaning the bathroom and kitchen, I see that as my job. (I only work 3 days a week)

My dh finds his 12 hours days at work infinitely easier and more restful than being at home with the children all day, doing a load of washing and hanging it out to dry, keeping on top of the diswasher situation and shopping for and cooking dinner (which is the minimum that is required, in this household at least). He would way prefer to work and commute than sah.

If this is a regular occurrence then your SiL has every right to be pissed off!

Also, your mum needs to butt out of their life and stop making excuses for her son. I swear to God I will never be that type of mother!

him coming home at 6.30 to 7 is not even late, dont most men work longer hours than that. dont think your sil is being U if she just wants him to spend a bit of time with them when he gets back.

firawala it is late if you have to be on your way out to work very early the next morning too. There's not a lot of shit-shower-shave eat and sleep time in between double shifts when you do a few in a row!.

His day is long but so is hers. We have a similar situation and its to do with being over wrought.

14 hours of toddlers, babies, small children etc can drive you insane, he should help her yes!
I don't think he should start cooking or cleaning but he should take over the stories or just the talking.
I'm not getting into a debate her day is as hard as his. If she worked in a nursery it would be work.

My mum bitches about my sil ( db is golden boy) i told her to butt out he's not perfect.

silky my dh comes back much later he still has to go to work in the morning, i really dont think its that unusual

I know its not unusual! I do doubles (therefore so does everyone I work with), DH does doubles, where did I say it's unusual! I often do 14 hours too!
what I'm saying is that "late" is much earlier when you're on a string of doubles as you have less time at home to eat/sleep/shower than you spend at work

IMO he should be coming home and spending time with his children, also having alchol every night when he comes in is alittle worrying.

When dh did 12 hours shifts I would finish making dinner while he give ds a bath and put him to bed.

I do a similar length door-to-door (on some days longer). I find it helps to have 15 minutes or so to myself when I get in if possible, generally to shower if it's been a warm day. Then we have stuff to do - tea to make, no kids yet but husband to spend time with and other household tasks to complete. I think there needs to be a compromise - like he gets 15 minutes or so on his own to get changed into home clothes and relax a little. Then he needs to spend some time with the kids. Then maybe a little more "alone time" - especially if he's an introvert - but then he needs to spend some time with his wife, or how will she feel loved?

I think a lot depends on the job. I've quite regularly done 12 hour days, but where I am now is incredibly stressful (same type of job) and sometimes I can't even think straight when I get home from work.

I'm a single mum and have children alternate weeks. When it's been a really bad day I have to go and sit in my room for half hour when I get in as I am so exhausted. It's easier for me as kids are older teenagers but it's still not great and I feel very guilty about it, just some days I really am ready to drop.

This job is no way comparable to others similar ones I've had, so without knowing whether his is similar it's impossible to say whether HIBU. Having said that, if it is similar he should be doing what I am and looking to move!