To think that a 12 hour day is not a good enough reason to

[Ouluckyduck]

think you can come in from work and do nothing but pour the wine and switch on the tv, not getting in any way involved with putting the children to bed.

This is my brother btw not my dh! Him and his wife are going through a major crisis. My mum thinks my dsil doesn't appreciate how hard he works and its driving me mad to listen to her telling everyone how unreasonable dsil's expectations are!

Thing is it's only a few short years where your children need you and want you in this way, seems so sad to waste them.

We both work 12hr days, and most people we know do 10 min so not that unusual.

I would expect help in the evening as sahp had also had the same length day.

Both work together with children and they will have more free time and two people can work faster than one

YANBU - If I'm out all day, then the first thing I want to do is spend time with DS, I find it relaxing after all the rubbish that goes on at work.

yes, he's had a long day, but he has children that need looking after and you don't get to just abdicate that when you're tired.

YANBU he should be doing something with the children each day, his hours aren't that bad and he is definitely home before an 8 year old is going to be in bed.

I think if he finds bath time a bit tedious (I used to avoid it sometimes and let DH take the strain) then he could ask for them all to be bathed earlier so he can just snuggle up and do a story with them on the sofa.

He doesn't sound like he wants to see his own children- which is a bit sad.

I think you need to tell your mum to give your sil some support.

No he shouldn't be doing jobs - but interacting with the kids is not a job ffs.

YANBU.

At all. I would ring your SIL and tell her so, then ring brother and put a flea in his ear!

I don't see why he shouldn't be doing proper jobs either, btw, he's not actually doing a physical 12 hour shift, he's sat at a desk and adding his commuting time which is no different to any other WOHP with an office job.

YANBU. I do a 13 hour day with an hour's commute each way a couple of times a week. When I get home I take over the childcare, partially because dp will have done just as long a day looking after dd, and partially because I don't want to go a full day without seeing my daughter.

I hate how looking after kids is supposed to be an easy ride compared to paid work. Dp and I take turns doing both roles, I can honestly say I find my busy nursing job a synch compared to running around after a toddler all day.

I leave home at 7.15 am and don't get home before 7.30 pm at the earliest. Then I have to put ds to bed, do cooking, cleaning, washing etc whatever needs to be done. I would love to come home and put my feet up. YADNBU.

My DH does very similar hours and gets involved with bedtime, we do it together which makes it easier for both of us and we can have a laugh doing it which makes it less of a chore.

Dh's 12 hours involves ring-fenced breaks, hours where he can concentrate without interruption, and 2 hours sat in the car bopping to his favourite music!

I also do at least 12 hours (ds awake at 7 bed 7.30/8) where I am running round like a loon, constantly pestered while trying to do 3 things at once (in a nice way but still..) my breaks are hit+miss and sometimes non-existant, and I am heavily pregnant. So if I can do bedtime routine he certainly can!

OK my work may not be paid or as high brow as DH, but it is more physically and emotionally demanding and mentally tiring due to the haphazard and on-the-go nature of it. This is just what toddlers are like it isn't because I keep a chaotic house, in fact my toddler is very placid compared to many and so it could be a lot worse.

I think YANBU and should put a flea in his ear. :)

He is not an easy person to put a flea into his ear to!

Hmmmm he sounds a little stubborn and possibly selfish.

You can't make a person want a relationship with their dc's. But you can support your sil, make it clear to him you don't condone what he does and maybe even manage to get your dm to see she is wrong to both support his behaviour, but worse, criticise the dsil!

Poor dsil and kids. :(

attheendoftheday sums it up for me. :)

That's exactly the kind of situation where one day he'll end up with a second family and wax lyrical about the joy of spending time with your children. Just tough sh* for the older ones then who missed out!

I work a 13 hour shift 3 days a week, in a physically tiring job. I need to be at work for 7.30, but I still get up with the DC, get them ready and take them to my parents house, even though DH would happily do it, otherwise I wouldn't get to see them (don't get home till about 9pm, so they are tucked up in bed)

Agree with attheendoftheday that I'm much more exhausted after a day with the DC than a day at work

I do a 12 hour day including the commute. It is knackering but when I get home I hang out with ds for a while, give him his bath, read him a bedtime story and put him to bed. I'd miss ds terribly if I didn't do anything with him at all. Don't do much housework on working days, tbh, am lucky if I can summon the energy to wash up - dh is unemployed at the moment so I do tend to leave it to him as he's got all day to do housework.

Dh has done/still sometimes does long days. When comes home I will hand over the children because actually spending time with them, reading stories, snuggling them in bed in their pjs isn't work is it? It is spending time with them and reconnecting so he isn't just some random who turns up at weekends. I can then sort washing, push the hoover round etc.

I'm a civil engineer working similar hours I'm also a mum and I can say without any hesitation 12 hrs at home is a harder slog!!

Couldnt wait to get back to work after maternity leave for a rest, and I only have one very good DS!

Your brother needs to do a 12 hr day with the kids himself and he will realise that he's getting an easy ride. Best thing I ever done was go away for a weekend and leave DH to look after our son on his own, he now really appreciates how hard it is.

I sometimes do 13 hour shifts (13.5 inc travel) and when I get home im knackered (am pregnant tho) but would always say hello / goodnight to the kids if they weren't in bed. It's horrible leaving when they are sleeping then getting home and they're sleeping again.

12 hours including commuting is not at all unusual. Coming home and feeling tired and fed up is not at all unusual.

To my mind sitting down for a bit with a mug of tea and a biscuit is fair enough. Getting stuck into the wine will not help though. I blame the wine. Focussing on the TV will not be helpful in the same way that a chat over the mug of tea will be helpful.

If he was a single parent holding down the 12 hour job/commute by paying for childcare he'd have no choice about coming in and doing at least something. Unless he was going to have a nanny and the children don't see a parent at all during the working week and I'm pretty sure that would be judged harshly if it was the norm rather than something that happened occasionally in a work crisis.

Not that he should have to come in and start deep cleaning the house, but if he comes in and doesn't interact with the children at all then he's a pretty crap parent, even if he is financially supporting the family.

home is definitely an easy ride compaired to our double shifts, but as we both do em we appreciate that and are happy to spend all day including bedtime with our LO if we are the ones off

what's he like on his days off? does he sometimes do shorter days? what's he like then?

My dh generally isnt home in time to help with the babies but the older two are goinb to bed as he gets in and he tends to be around i.e hugs maybe a chat with them but i tend to do the actual going to bed stuff. He rides his bike back and forth to work and works all day obviosly so i do think in general he IS entitled to a little rest as soon as he gets in. I rest in the day (like now kids are half of them outside, half playing im relaxing on the couch with the laptop) DH is sadly at work this weekend :(.

I mean if he was able to go to the pub after a 12 hour shift I'ld be annoyed that he wasn't home doing bedtime, because if he was capable of talking to mates he'ld be capable of bedtime story

but he's usually nodding off in a going cold bath and I have to remind him to MOVE or he'll fall asleep in there and drown

Just like I'm usually staring at a wall, aware that I am dehydrated but too knackered to pick up the drink that's on front of me

I'm never too broken to make and drink a cuppa after a day home being mum - home is way easier, there are trying days, but being at home is definitely a restful day off compaired to work!

I don't think the comparisons between the two working days come into it really. No one can deny that a 12 hour day is hard work just as no one can deny that a day with the children is hard work. It's the unwillingness to be part of a family that he helped to create that matters.

I was fortunate enough to grow up with a father who went out of his way to be home in time to eat with us and be part of our routines and luckily I've married a man who works his nuts off all day and still manages to be part of the family when he comes home.