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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that a 12 hour day is not a good enough reason to

115 replies

Ouluckyduck · 03/08/2012 22:33

think you can come in from work and do nothing but pour the wine and switch on the tv, not getting in any way involved with putting the children to bed.

This is my brother btw not my dh! Him and his wife are going through a major crisis. My mum thinks my dsil doesn't appreciate how hard he works and its driving me mad to listen to her telling everyone how unreasonable dsil's expectations are!

OP posts:
LimeLeafLizard · 03/08/2012 23:08

Bonnie Grin so true!

CaliforniaLeaving · 03/08/2012 23:08

My Dh used to do 12 hour days (sometimes more) he just ate slept and worked, he was that knackered. He'd squeeze in all his other stuff that needed doing on his days off. I was at home so picked up all the slack, thank god that is over. In two weeks he goes to 5 days 8 hours a day I'm unreasonable excited about it.

FormerlyTitledUntidy · 03/08/2012 23:12

I do 12 hour days.
I leave at 7 and work for 12hours and get home for nearly 9. If dp is there we'll put the kids to bed. Or just me or just him.

Why does it all have to be a competition if it all evens out eventually? If hes good with them when hes off, that's what counts. Bed times aren't that important. I just send mine, no long stories etc but I know this isn't MN best practice!

BadDayAtTheOrifice · 03/08/2012 23:15

I work 12+ hour shifts. I leave home at 6.30 and get back about 8ish (days and nights). I find I need half an hour when I get home to just switch off completely and do nothing or my brain would expolde.
Unfortunately, home time coincides with bedtime/getting ready for school.
Fortunately, I have a very tollerant DH! Grin

WorraLiberty · 03/08/2012 23:17

I think it's really pointless to comment on other people's family arrangements. Unless you are living in their home you really have no idea how they live their lives

I totally agree.

I also think men (on MN anyway) tend to receive far less empathy and understanding for feeling tired, overworked and stressed than women do.

Yama · 03/08/2012 23:18

OP, your brother and mother are wrong. YANBU.

Please don't ask here though. In my mind's eye, whenever someone sympathiszes with the poor men who work so hard I picture Marie from 'Everyone Loves Raymond'.

My God, do people really think that a 12 hour shift means that putting their own children to bed (a lovely task) is too much? Jesus Christ.

Original poster
Ouluckyduck · 03/08/2012 23:21

Yama, I expected a lot more people to agree with me. Am in shock! He is not meant to do anything taxing or difficult, just give a little bit of attention to his family!

OP posts:
SilkySmith · 03/08/2012 23:22

I do "long days" and sometimes wonder how I get myself home, once home I'm useless

its WAY harder than staying home and being mum, I get 2 10 min tea breaks and 2 food breaks (30 min each to buy or head food and eat it and get back), there's no sticking cebeebies on for a bit when you need a cuppa! I come home from a long day usually dehydrated and with a headache and barely able to say my name!

MsVestibule · 03/08/2012 23:23

I don't think it would cross DH's mind to not interact with the DCs when he got home, any more than it would have crossed mine when I went out to work, however tiring our days had been Confused.

This has really got nothing to do with "which parent does more" and everything to do with wanting to spend half an hour with your children where possible. It would bother me if DH didn't see that as being important.

SilkySmith · 03/08/2012 23:25

its not to do with "wanting", for me I'm unable to interract with anyone in any quality sort of way after a long day, I'ld love to, but DH has to say everything to me 3 times before I can even make sense of what he's saying to me never mind give him a sensible answer

(which is why I don't do many long days at the moment, they affect my ablity to be present at home)

Yama · 03/08/2012 23:29

Okay, maybe I am wrong but how on earth do children of 2 working parents get themselves to bed?

Dh and I both work and putting the kids to bed is probably our favourite task.

SilkySmith · 03/08/2012 23:31

In our house, whoever hasn't done a double shift does it (we both do doubles sometimes).

BenedictsCumberbitch · 03/08/2012 23:34

I do 15 hour days door to door, 13 hours of that is spent on my feet, a lot of the time without a substantial break, my job is both physically and mentally exhausting and sometimes I can't do anything when I get home other than stagger in the door and fall on the settee. Luckily I tend not to do more than 3 a week but on those days DH does all the bedtime stuff (the kids are usually in bed when I get home anyway but if they weren't I'd not be capable of doing more than giving them a wan smile and absentmindedly letting them run riot until they dropped of sheer exhaustion). On my days off I do bath and bed.

bonhomiee · 03/08/2012 23:48

I 'm likeBenedict in that I do 7.30am leave house and 9am to 10pm work with no breaks then get home 11.15 pm .
I'm half dead at that point and just make a cup of tea. If I can.

On some days I do 7.30 am to 7 pm door to door [a short day] and get shopping on way home, clean up do food put children to bed and have bath. Am tired but not desperate.
Depends if he is just being entitled or is unbearably exhausted really.

Fran53 · 04/08/2012 00:14

YANBU at all. And, OP, I too am surprised at the number of people who have said YABU!
I often do similarly long shifts despite having to get up a night to feed a 12 month old baby 2 or 3 times (working on that still, getting better gradually....) and having a job that is mostly busy, stressful and requires me to be very much on the ball all the time. And sometimes I get little or no break during those working hours. I still get in from work and immediately muck in to help DH as I like to spend time with my daughter. Plus my DH has either been working too or has looked after DD all day which is pretty exhausting at times too.
On other days I look after DD at home and DH works up to 15 hour shifts, less busy job but no real breaks. DD is asleep when he gets in but he reverses things and often gets up with her in the morning so as to see DD and help me.
We are exhausted both of us but it seems the only possible way to both see DD and be fair to each other.
I think it sounds sad that your brother doesn't want to spend time with the kids in the evening and feel sorry for your sister-in-law.

TheCrackFox · 04/08/2012 00:29

I think it is a bit sad that he doesn't want to help put the kids to bed. Has he not missed them and want to spend a little bit of quality time with them? They are at a great age and TBH it sounds like he is missing out.

NapaCab · 04/08/2012 04:06

My DH does 12 hour days, often takes calls and works on weekends too but he still tries to help out when he's at home. Our son is in bed 9 times out of 10 when he gets home but on weekends he will take care of him with me and cook dinner, do laundry, cleaning, all the usual stuff. I don't get any luxuries like a day off or evening to go out with friends (wistful) but neither does he and I get help when he's around which is the main thing.

He just sees it as part of his role as husband and father so I would say no, YANBU to expect your brother to chip in. I wouldn't tolerate my DH just sitting around relaxing with wine while I continue working, even if it is 'just' housework.

HexagonalQueenOfEverything · 04/08/2012 04:10

Why is there so much talk about men 'helping'? Surely it's not 'helping' when it comes to their own kids!!?? Can't believe some of you are justifying that kind of behaviour! What if a man posted saying his wife never did her share and just got in from work and drank wine? There would be replies saying things like 'is she depressed?' and the general opinion would be that she was wrong and a bad mother for behaving that way. Yet if a man does it, he's just 'tired' and apparently it's ok.

I hate the way men are just allowed to opt out of caring for their own children but women never have that option!

bragmatic · 04/08/2012 05:36

She is not being U. It's part of parenting. Suck it up. It's not hard to read a bedtime story.

strugglingwiththepreteenbit · 04/08/2012 06:24

I think grown-up telly and glasses of wine should wait until the kids are in bed, for both parents. Presumably sil is up making packed-lunches, getting school uniform out the dryer etc by the time he leaves. It sounds very unhealthy for your brother's marriage and relationship with his kids if he doesn't come home and be part of the family. He sounds very insular and I'd be upset, too. (I work 30 hrs a week, dh does 14 hour shifts actual work, never mind the commute. He gets in, I make him a cup of tea and he starts checking homework.

Original poster
Ouluckyduck · 04/08/2012 06:27

Even if the children are older I think parents should make every effort to interact with their children every day in some way? Is that really being u? Don't the children miss out otherwise

OP posts:
Columbiand · 04/08/2012 06:30

He wants to cut his hours down, it doesn't seem as if it's appreciated.

Could she work full-time and him get a job as a T.A.?
That would enable him to spend more time with the children.

Original poster
Ouluckyduck · 04/08/2012 06:46

Yes she should appreciate him more and have his slippers ready when he gets in...

OP posts:
TheSkiingGardener · 04/08/2012 06:51

He is being totally unreasonable if he expects to do bog all and ignore his family once he's got in from work. He's not being asked to scrub the showers, just be a member of he family, doing a 12 hour day doesn't excuse you from that.

Downandoutnumbered · 04/08/2012 07:24

YANBU, and I'm saddened by some of the responses you've had. I'm out of the house 12 hours a day, 5 days a week, and if I came on here saying "AIBU not to do anything with DS during the week because I'm shattered from work and commuting?", I'd get a pasting (even though DS is still a toddler and physically hard work). I expect I'd get people asking why I bothered to have children. But some people think being a man somehow gets you out of that sort of thing.

If your DB doesn't want to interact with his children, I'm not surprised their marriage is going through a bad patch. I'd find that really hard to get past.