To think that a 12 hour day is not a good enough reason to

[Ouluckyduck]

think you can come in from work and do nothing but pour the wine and switch on the tv, not getting in any way involved with putting the children to bed.

This is my brother btw not my dh! Him and his wife are going through a major crisis. My mum thinks my dsil doesn't appreciate how hard he works and its driving me mad to listen to her telling everyone how unreasonable dsil's expectations are!

Children are 8, 6 and 4.

Parenting is 24 hour job regardless of if you work or not. Both parents should help IMO. Work is exhausting but so is caring for young children. I've found work to be easier in a way than 24/7 childcare - at least you can have lunch/ a break when you want one rather than waiting for children to nap to grab 30 mins out of a long long day.

Bobble, not sure if I agree there; I work part time (almost a 12 hour day) and I have SAH days with one DD and I know which is more tiring (and it isn't working!!)

That's exactly it artexmonkey! I find it so sad that he doesnt want to interact with his children!

Just saw that the children are older than I'd assumed. But I still think dad should participate in bedtime routine if he is home. Obviously if either parent is shattered the other should pick up the slack on the odd occasion but not every night.

ime doing a 12 hour day at work is a piece of cake compared to looking after kids today, when I was working work was like a break and home was like the real work, and I was working 12 hour days.

And at 9 months it is not jsut looking after the kids in the day, but the night as well surely,

I am sure she would like to get some time to drink wine and put on tv and ignore everything but she cant.

As for H being home, does that mean the working parent should not be involved with kids during the week?

I would be very disappointed if DH opted out of bothering with the DCs because he'd been at work. His days are open-ended, varying from 9hrs to 14+ depending how things pan out, but he always takes a hand in what the children are doing when he comes in. they are his children too! This isn't about doing chores after a long day, unless you consider reading to your DCs and giving them a goodnight cuddle a chore.

I think maybe A bit U.

Just going from my personal scenario here. DP works 10-12 hours a day five days a week. When he comes in I encourage him to put his feet up. He engages with DC and they talk about their respective days and general chit chat. I wouldn't expect him to be doing jobs after a long day like that (DP is on his feet all day).

On his days off from work all is even and shared.

It's a funny one. I can only imagine being exhausted and wanting to do nothing after a 12 hours day BUT I don't have children, so i don't have the necessary empathy to understand what it's like to look after them.

It couldn't be that hard to give children of that age a bath could it (for the DH I mean)? Surely they're mainly doing it themselves with some supervision. It's not like he'd have to do baby levels of care with them.

think sil is being ur, 2 (at least) of her dc are at school all day, and all are basically beyond the up all night scenario.
Is is a shame your db doesn't want to spend the evening with his dc but he is probably shattered, whereas your dsil is only working 2 days a week, and so will have a lot of time to herself when the dcs are at school/nursery.

If he leaves the house at seven, and gets back at seven, he hasn't been working for twelve hours. Take off the commute, the tea breaks and the lunch hour and it totals less.

HIBU not to help in any way.

SIBU to allow this to continue.

Tbh there are data when I'm knackered so DH will do the whole pjs, teeth bit and I just get cuddles & read a story but to actively avoid any involvement is rather sad - reminds me of times when mothers were expectedto be well turned out to greet their husband at the end of his tiring day and proffer clean fragrant children for a cursory kiss goodnight

Good point gnocchi. Tis 12 hours door to door? Not really a 12 hour. I was imagining like nurses, who genuinely do 12 hours on their feet, without breaks and not including the commute.

I worked as cabin crew short and mid haul so some of my shifts were longer than 14 hours and I was single parent to a 3 year old. I managed to parent him still. Yanbu. Yes 12 hours is a long day but some of that is commute, and I assume he gets lunch breaks? Reading a story is hardly taxing work is it!

What is the major crisis between them, though? Maybe some problems in their marriage are contributing to his unwillingness to help out?

How many hours a day does SIL spend looking after their children? Presumably if they need to be put to bed they are fairly young.

Does she also get to sit and drink wine at 7? If not then I don't think it's unreasonable to expect him to do his share.

Bobbledunk - have to disagree. I do 12 shifts nursing, physically tiring work and I find looking after my 2 year old way more exhausting!

I think OP's SIL is not being unreasonable. My DH has a similar day, but as soon as he gets home he helps me get Dd into bed - he WANTS to do this, otherwise he wouldn't really have any time with her. Then he eats the meal I've prepared him when we BOTH get to sit down at the same time.

It's all about give and take really isn't it.

Incidentally, I am 8 months pregnant, do a 13 hour night shift and come home to look after my 2 year old until DH gets home at 7. Don't have much sympathy for these poor men that have to come home from work and shock horror have to help parent their children!

SIL is being Unreasonable. School age children are not difficult to entertain/look after, even if some of the things you do with them (like the park) are as dull as fuck. Yes, it gets a bit more difficult in the school holidays, but when they're at school, it's hardly a demanding day is it? And at that age, it's not like you have to do bathtime/story every night, if at all. Why can't bedtime routine consist of them sitting in their PJs and chatting to Dad when he gets in? A later dinner with Dad during the holidays? All perfectly possible.

I've had an utter pig of a week this week, and have not been capable of cooking a meal or doing anything more demanding than putting the kettle on when I get in, so my sympathies are with your brother!

Sounds like your Mum 'telling everyone how unreasonable SIL is' won't help their marriage either.

BatCave - when do you sleep?!

And yes, tell your Mum to keep her beak out of it - it's none of her business!

It's difficult to say. I've done two jobs that involved 12 hour shifts. One was stressful, the other wasn't. After the stressful one I was incapable of anything, and needed a good amount of downtime. After the other I would come home and cook a proper dinner, do dishes and other housework.

One of the jobs was definitely harder than looking after the kids and house. I didn't do it for long.

I think it's really pointless to comment on other people's family arrangements. Unless you are living in their home you really have no idea how they live their lives.

The picture that we present to the outside world is very different to the reality. Also people take what they want from viewing a snapshot of people's lives. To some people dh is a saint and I'm a lazy bitch to other people dh is a workaholic and I'm an oppressed down trodden mother. The truth is we are muddling along without any outside support like countless other families. Sometimes we have good days and sometimes we want to run away and scream.

Dsil really doesn't expect a lot from him, just that he in some way interacts with the rest of the family, instead of just sitting there drinking and staring at a screen. Is that really too much to ask?