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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not send thank you cards?

123 replies

Cydonia · 03/08/2012 21:38

When DS was born at the end of May I was genuinely amazed and touched by the amount of cards and gifts we received. Having never really been a 'baby' person I was surprised by how much people got excited about other people having a baby! At the time I vowed to make/order some nice thank you cards with a picture of DS on and send them out so everyone knew how much we appreciated their kindness.

However, over 2 months later and I haven't done it. It's just such a faff, I'm not great with technology so can't do it at home. I got as far as looking on the Internet for sites that do it for you but that looks like a faff too. And then I'd have to find people's addresses and post them all. I know I probably sound really lazy and whingy, but most of my time is taken up by looking after DS, the rest by keeping the house clean and tidy and looking after DDog and DHorse. Occasionally I sleep. DP says we've left it so long now there's no point in sending any.

So....WIBU not to bother? If you had sent me a gift would you be offended? ( FWIW I personally wouldn't if I had sent someone a gift and not received a thank you ) Should I just do it so people don't think I'm an ungrateful bitch?

OP posts:

GetOrfMoiRing · 05/08/2012 19:21

These threads make me laugh.

I don't send cards as I think thank you cards bought in a job lot from Clintons are irredeemably naff.

To not thank someone for a gift is very rude. But it doesn't have to be delivered by a be-flowered mass produced card. I thank people via phone call, email or text, or a letter for an older person.

Nancy66 · 05/08/2012 19:21

I think you should thank people - doesn't matter how you do it though.

If somebody brings you a gift and you thank them face to face then I can't see the need to follow it up with a card.

If they post a gift then, yes, you should thank them - but email/phone/text is perfectly acceptable in my view.

darksecret · 05/08/2012 19:27

You are, a bit. Speaking as the mother of an eleven month old, I think the work involved in a baby is slightly talked up. Would be different if we had to scrub the nappies clean etc.

There is no reason why you cannot scribble a few cards each day, especially when you think how the gift was chosen and wrapped.

These are the people you might be calling on for help and who will probably be putting up with your baby's juice stains and general faffing around for years to come!

RawShark · 05/08/2012 19:31

What SIrzy and So verylucky said.

I was astounded at the time and effort people made to send me stuff so to reward them I sent them a piccy of my baby hahahahaha. However I am shokcing at other people's birthdays anniversaries etc, so I felt it was the least I could do.

You can always just write thank you in them - no need for an essay. BUt the photo cards did take ages as I always seemed ot have picture in the wrong size and would have hormonal strop when they added charges at the minute - maybe notelets ARE best with a picture enclosed

MadameCupcake · 05/08/2012 19:37

YABVU - how rude when people have bothered to send gifts. You could have just called or texted them and that would have been enough IMO. You could also just hand write some cards if you can't do the technology bit.

I don't think its too late BTW, people do understand how difficult things are with a newborn and that it may take a bit longer.

Bellakins · 05/08/2012 19:44

I think YABU, as others have said. I was in your position earlier this year, and spending what little free time I had writing thank you cards was no fun. But you know what? I ordered them online, aimed to write 2 or 3 a day, got my DH to help and it was done and dusted fairly quickly. This doesn't make us "perfect" but the way I looked at it was this:

We're all busy. But these people have taken time out of their lives to buy your baby a gift and the least you can do is acknowledge it IMO.

Oh, and a thank you card 2 months or whenever after the gift was first sent would not be considered late. People get that you're tired, busy and such. It really is hard with a newborn!

thecatsminion · 05/08/2012 20:08

Yabu. But get your husband to sort the cards to his relatives and parents' friends.The chances are his mum will be mortified if her mates aren't thanked and will only be too happy to pass on cards or give you addresses.

LackingNameChangeInspiration · 05/08/2012 20:49

its not smug to disagree with you OP

you could ask your parents to gather a list of contact details for your side, and ask PILs to so same for DHs side. It's really not hard.

The martyr act is childish OP, you don't have to drag your baby on a special trip out (its not a bad thing for babies to get out and about anyway!), you could order the photos when you are out for something else.

VolAuVent · 05/08/2012 20:52

Print out a batch of pieces of paper saying thank you so much for your kind gift for baby. Then your DH puts them in envelopes and sends them. That's so much nicer than not sending thank yous at all.

Having said that, I wasn't able to send thanks as early as 2 months due to complications that I didn't tell people about. I hope people weren't offended that they were only thanked at a later date!

FaintingGoat · 05/08/2012 23:08

If it's so much bother, don't send them. Let people think you're rude.

MrsHoarder · 06/08/2012 08:13

OP: I am where you are, more or less. But over the last couple of weeks I have written a card every time I've had a cup of tea. This afternoon I will see my mum, taking the cards for her friends. Then she can write the address out whilst I raid the biscuit cupboard give me the addresses

Also I only use cards because I feel less obliged to fill them with writing than a letter which looks bare with 2 lines written.

ceegeebee · 06/08/2012 08:44

YABVU

We had twins and still managed to send cards

Can't your DP do it? It is his baby too!! Pisses me off how women are somehow expected to sort cards out for every occasion, men can write cards too you know.

Badvoc · 06/08/2012 09:19

OP
Look, you have a newborn.
You are stressing out over something pretty unimportant.
Send texts to those you can, speak in person to those you can and send cards to those that live far away/overseas
I cannot beleive that anyone who has sent a gift would want you to be this stressed out/upset.
Enjoy your baby.

Badvoc · 06/08/2012 09:19

....and why isnt your dh doing some of it anyway?

PicklesThePottyMouthedParrot · 06/08/2012 09:23

I thought the rule was you thank in person if you can't send a card. I send normal thank you cards with a picture tucked inside.

I wouldn't be offended if I was thanked in a different way phone Facebook email as long as I had something or would be miffed.

LurkeyLurkerson · 06/08/2012 09:40

Don't have any spare time because you have a baby? Dear god woman, how do you think us with two or more children manage?

crashdoll · 06/08/2012 09:40

YABVU and silly for getting all stroppy when people didn't agree with you. You have a partner, can he not help out? A text or a phone call would be better than nothing. It is rude to not even acknowledge a gift.

LackingNameChangeInspiration · 06/08/2012 09:49

I find older people actually very good at putting their return addresses on the envelopes or inside their cards, didn't you check when you had time to open and use the gifts?

and thank yous can be second hand, you can ask your MIL and DM to pass on your verbal thank yous to the ones they can speak to, don't make out that anyone is asking you to do massive elaborate thank you gestures!

hairylemon · 06/08/2012 10:07

I don't expect thankyou cards or notes for any gifts I give. A thankyou next time I see/speak to the person is enough for me.

festivalwidow · 06/08/2012 11:12

I hand-wrote letters- not cards, letters, to lots of people after DD was born. It completely shattered me and I wondered for a while whether I had completely taken leave of my senses. Lots of people who were vaguely connected to us - including friends of MIL's I'd never met - sent cards and gifts to us, and it felt like an ordeal trying to reply to all of them with appropriately witty, newsworthy content. (I have a vague memory of weeping at one point, but DD never slept so that was a factor)

Then, a couple of weeks later, I heard that one of the people I'd never met had told MIL about receiving my letter. She lives on her own, is quite elderly and always makes a point of getting something for new babies she hears about, but it was the first time anyone had ever sent her a letter to say thank you. She was really over the moon and I figured 'well, it was worth it for that, anyway'. Very sad in some ways that nobody else ever bothered.

I'd go for the card/ photo approach, though. Oh, and rope your DP in as well; it only has to be a couple of sentences (thank you for your kind gift, we're so pleased to have DS here and hope you can meet him soon)

RawShark · 06/08/2012 11:32

at chipsandmayonnaise's godson's mother (is there an acronym or that?) She sounds an ungrateful cow!

RawShark · 06/08/2012 11:59

OP don't stress at getting all the baby clothes worn! I knwo I went mental trying to equalise the time spent in clothes, and then the complications of trying to make sure clothese were in photos posted on fbook. For about ten minutes and then realised I was just overeacting. Either put them away for the next , exchange if you can, people tend to put receipt in unless it's my MIL who buys everything from charity shop - or regift. If you're in contact with none of these people regularly you shouldn't get into any trouble.....

And I think catsminion has a useful suggestion too.

It sounds like you are having a hard time of it and you sound like you think you ABU and want absolution from us, but in this case you just need to make a decision to NOT do it, send thanks where possible via family members and not give a shit about what people think. Also why do you need to go to the shops, get DH to do it or online.

grantoairmissile - very true re the social aspect but people really don't like to admit to this (neither do they like the fact that babies are actually a biological imperative. I adore my biological imperative but how much of that is free will, probably not much. LOVE him though).

Snog · 08/08/2012 18:39

Cydonia you make it sound like you have reluctantly decided to send thank you cards due to unwanted pressure from mumsnetters forcing your actions!!!!

This seems like a crazy attitude. If you don't want to send thank you letters and think that not having contact details to hand is a fair reason then just don't send any! Mumsnetters will neither know nor care what you do! You just asked for opinions and you got them. A lot of people will be offended not to receive any kind of acknowledgement for a gift, surely it's best that you know this before deciding whether or not to say thanks?

Sounds as though you are struggling at the moment so why not get your dh to write the cards instead of you - it's his baby too!

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