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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not send thank you cards?

123 replies

Cydonia · 03/08/2012 21:38

When DS was born at the end of May I was genuinely amazed and touched by the amount of cards and gifts we received. Having never really been a 'baby' person I was surprised by how much people got excited about other people having a baby! At the time I vowed to make/order some nice thank you cards with a picture of DS on and send them out so everyone knew how much we appreciated their kindness.

However, over 2 months later and I haven't done it. It's just such a faff, I'm not great with technology so can't do it at home. I got as far as looking on the Internet for sites that do it for you but that looks like a faff too. And then I'd have to find people's addresses and post them all. I know I probably sound really lazy and whingy, but most of my time is taken up by looking after DS, the rest by keeping the house clean and tidy and looking after DDog and DHorse. Occasionally I sleep. DP says we've left it so long now there's no point in sending any.

So....WIBU not to bother? If you had sent me a gift would you be offended? ( FWIW I personally wouldn't if I had sent someone a gift and not received a thank you ) Should I just do it so people don't think I'm an ungrateful bitch?

OP posts:

Ephiny · 04/08/2012 08:38

I would say thank you - either in person, or by phone or email. Would not send a card or letter, that seems a bit odd and archaic to me personally, I haven't communicated that way since I was in primary school! But it's surely just basic good manners to say thanks if someone gives you a gift?

I'm sure people will understand about the delay, with you having a new baby and everything.

NannyR · 04/08/2012 09:29

I knitted a lovely blanket for my cousins second baby, it took a lot of time and I used really nice wool. I posted it and I know she received it as other family members have seen her using it but I still haven't had even a short text or email to say it even arrived. The baby was born in April.

If she has a third baby, I won't be putting quite so much effort into a gift.

IHaveAFeatureWallAndILikeIt · 04/08/2012 09:37

It took me about 3 months to get my thank you cards out, but I took a photo of ds and printed them in the asda photo machine, which lets you put writing on and print them with room to write on. I think with thank yous its better late than never. You can write on it sorry for being so late and everyone will understand!

NurseBernard · 04/08/2012 09:38

YABU. And lazy. And you know it.

You're making out that having a new baby and sending thank you cards are mutually exclusive activities, and yet generation upon generations of people have managed to combine the two with minimal faff.

Just do it. Someone got off their arse to buy your baby something pretty. Get off your arse and thank them. :)

eslteacher · 04/08/2012 09:48

I really don't expect thank you cards or notes for any type of gift - wedding, birthday, baby, whatever. The whole etiquette seems a bit outdated and doesn't really mean anything to me.

The most important thing is that you show you are grateful, but that could be via a text, an email, a phone call or just a sincere 'thank you so much for X it was really lovely' next time that you see the gift giver in person.

YANBU

valiumredhead · 04/08/2012 10:18

Just get some normal cards and write them out - take the time to say thank you to the people that have spent time sending you a gift.

MrsShortfuse · 04/08/2012 10:37

Agree with Nurse Bernard and Valium. YABVU!

EdithWeston · 04/08/2012 10:46

You don't need cards at all, so YANBU on that.

Just write a letter (I think this assumption a card is needed is all a marketing ploy by manufacturers).

It doesn't take long to write a little note, thanking them for the item, saying something specific about it so they know their individual though that went in into it has been appreciated, and saying how busy you've been (plus any other stuff you want to say to that particular kind person).

YWBVVU to leave people without thanks.

I would also say it is against your interests to omit thanks. If you are the one who opts out of the "exchange of social capital", you are cutting yourself off that little bit each time. That would be a shame.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 04/08/2012 10:52

you can order notecards with a photo of the baby on and "Thank You for Your gift"

then you just need to write an address on each envelope!

Glitterkitten24 · 04/08/2012 11:25

YABU - you are right that you don't send gifts to get a thank you, but it's very rude if people have taken the time and trouble and expense to get you a gift, not to acknowledge it.

doublecakeplease · 04/08/2012 12:08

Definitely send them - snapfish have an offer on for 70 free prints - upload your favourite pic, wait for them to arrive - scribble a quick note on the back and pop them in the post - quick, easy, personal and cheap!

frazzled09 · 04/08/2012 12:40

In the time it has taken you to post about this on MN, you could have written the cards/phoned several people to say thank you.

As doublecake says; get a photo printed x30 or however many you need. Total effort: 15 minutes on the computer. They arrive in the post, or you collect them when you're next in the supermarket if you get Tesco to print them. Write a short thank you on the back.
How hard is that, honestly? Your DP can be in charge of the envelopes if you can't be bothered to find all the addresses.

Repeat the process at birthdays and Christmas.

Backtobedlam · 04/08/2012 13:41

YANBU I give people gifts because I want to, not to receive thanks and praise for it. A thank you card is nice if it comes, but once I've sent a gift I don't sit around waiting to be thanked for it.

SilkySmith · 04/08/2012 13:46

BTB its not about praise, if my gift is not acknowledged I start to wonder if it arrived at all and if so do the people think that I didn't acknowledge their new arrival? I don't expect gushing or fancy cards, even a thank you text makes me realise it has arrived (and I've had gifts NOT arrive in the past and not found out till it was a bit too late to do much about it).. but a pic is also nice as if you are interested enough to send something you are interested in the baby and would love to see it - as a mum I am always happy to encourage friends' and family's interest in DS

SilkySmith · 04/08/2012 13:50

also if I ordered the gift to be deliverd straight from a company I want to know it arrived intact before using that company for the next friend with a new baby.

It's not fishing for kudos to want a thank you card/text/call/facebook sentance/whatever

Happiestinwellybobs · 04/08/2012 13:53

YABU. My DH laughed at me when our DD arrived, as I kept a list of who had bought what. But friends and relatives were pleased to get a little note of thanks for their gift. It is just good manners. People will understand that you are late in getting round to it, but one or two nap times and you could get them all done.

JumpingThroughHoops · 04/08/2012 13:59

Aren't thank you cards and a pen just two of those things you put in your hospital bag? Blimey boring being stuck in there 10 days, ideal time to catch up correspondence.

SilkySmith · 04/08/2012 14:03

yup I bought packs of thank yous and stamps and a cheap photo printer and cheap photo paper (the G&Ts stuff is good and costs peanuts!) when I started mat leave before the baby was born. At christmas I buy packs of thankyous when I'm out buying christmas cards!

Backtobedlam · 04/08/2012 14:06

If I thought a gift hadn't arrived I'd send a quick text or call just to ask they were all getting on and to check my gift had arrived. Each to there own obviously, I personally wouldn't think on it, but obviously there's lots of others who would.

SilkySmith · 04/08/2012 14:14

I have had to do that BTB but I'ld really rather not

I try to time delivery times so that they are out of hospital and DHs are still on paternity leave just incase someone needs to go to the delivery office (so that it's not the mum having to drag herself and new baby there). The last thing I'ld want would be for my gift to turn into a chore! but I don't think a thank you message through ANY medium is much of a chore TBH

Snog · 04/08/2012 14:18

Just write 2 a day and include a photo - I bet you have taken some! It doesn't matter too much if the thank you is late.
Not to acknowledge a gift is very rude.

SilkySmith · 04/08/2012 14:21

this OP seems to say that unless she sent them when the gift arrived, and sends fancy photo cards, its better to not send them

I think this is wrong, its better to send a text or a note late than to not send at all because they're not perfect

chipsandmayonnaise · 04/08/2012 14:23

For a new baby I would not be worried if I did not get one. But I think it is not too hard to say thank you- even in a telephone message or e-mail? i would be happy with that. i am not a stickler for the rules, and am pretty informal in my life- but i do recall being a little pissed off when I sent a huge bloody (gift registry) wedding present to cousins I barely see, and to whose wedding i had not been invited to, and it was ignored. Plus, last Xmas was slightly peeved at the mother of DH's godson (she does not like me- i know that- she was good friends with DH's first wife) and her 'thank you' e-mail was 'Thank's for [DS's] gift. You really should not have bothered'.

The point is- a card/e-mail/telephone message saying that 'time has gotten away from you with a new baby, but thank you so much for thinking of us and your generosity' will NEVER go astray.

I know others disagree, but it is how i feel.

Musomathsci · 04/08/2012 14:28

No one expects fancy cards with photos - lovely if you have the time, energy and money, but not essential. Get some cards and stamps and make yourself so 3 every day until they are all done. It's not that big a deal if they are late, but it really is rude not to bother at all.

LAlady · 04/08/2012 14:34

Really bad manners not to send a thank you card. Agree with others. No thank you, no further gifts from me.

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