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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have told off visiting child for rudeness?

116 replies

olympicmad · 03/08/2012 10:57

I was watching a friend's kid and together with my two they were all playing happily making cards. On asking what colour card they needed said child retorted "at my house we have more colours of card and it's not a mess like this one"! I was gobsmacked and told her she was being naughty. She's only 4 years old for goodness sake! And for the record my house was tidy with just toys out for them to play with!

OP posts:
TheOriginalSteamingNit · 03/08/2012 18:27

To clarify - if I had been OP I would have said 'oi you cheeky sausage' or something but I wouldn't have been all that impressed.

If I were Silver I think I would have tried to shut the boy up a bit sooner, and I would be worried about the fact he'd said those things and how emphatic he was - that was pretty rude and if he were mine I'd want him to know it.

FalseStartered · 03/08/2012 18:27

DD says things like this all the time Blush

she's not rude, she has autism. her brain and words don't connect in the way NTs do, it gets her lots of Hmm looks

i wish i could 'sort it out'

SilkySmith · 03/08/2012 18:29

I actually remember someone telling me off for asking why some women had mustaches when I was 6

I wasn't being rude, I had never seen one on a woman before, and I was upset that I was told I'ld been naughty but noone would tell me why!

stifnstav · 03/08/2012 18:29

My sister once told my friend's dad that his whistling was "getting on her tits". She was about 6. Now that was rude! btw no idea where she heard it, my parents did not speak like that!

Dominodonkey · 03/08/2012 18:48

This reply has been deleted

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SilveryMoon · 03/08/2012 18:50

Oh come on, don't you think some of you are going a bit overboard with this?
Isn't 4 supposed to be an age of discovery?
I am quite happy for him to have the freedom now to experiment with his personality and be able to say things and learn himself how to say things by reading peoples reactions and responses.
Yeah, my son can say things that are rude, and when he does, we discuss it, we talk about what he said and about how some people might feel hurt and sad etc and if there's a nicer way to say something.
My 4yo is at school. He has just finished reception, has gleaming school reports and the teacher says he is a joy to have in the class, he is capable of fully control and working through his emotions whilst displaying appropriate forms of expression.
So, I'm not too concerned at the moment about him being rude, or unable to cope socially as he does fine.

If he'd said something like "X your house is really disgusting and I don't like it here" that'd have been rude and would have been dealt with differently. But as the situation was, he was stating actual TRUE facts, and I really don't see why I should discourage that.

SilveryMoon · 03/08/2012 18:53

I care about other people's feelings, of course I do and if my friend had shown signs of being upset, it would have been handled differently, but she laughed, she was fine.

I think many of you are being bang out of line by saying things like "your rude child" when you do not know him.
Does it make you feel good talking about a 4 yo like that?

DefenceAgainstTheDarkArts · 03/08/2012 19:13

That's just the point, I think silvery

You don't like hearing your son being called rude - well, I wouldn't want my house being called messy, or my tummy being called fat, or any other "truth" a delightful DC decides to share. Hmm

In your exchange with your DS, would it really have been so different to have calmly stopped him after his first sentence and said, "DS, I'd like to hear something nice that happened at the house today please."

Then when your friend wasn't listening, had a chat with him about hurting people's feelings and so on?

I think this must be where the famous "if you have got nothing nice to say ..." came from Grin

Four is not a toddler just learning language and adjectives - I'd say four is the perfect time to be learning a bit about how the world works and about how people feel.

DefenceAgainstTheDarkArts · 03/08/2012 19:14

You say your friend laughed Silvery but with respect you don't know how she was really feeling. If a child spoke about my house in that way I'd feel obliged to laugh it off publicly whilst inwardly feeling quite annoyed.

Floggingmolly · 03/08/2012 19:20

Ffs! I'm more concerned about the emotional welfare of my child who knows not what he does Of course he "knows not what he does" if you allow him to behave like a mannerless little oik without any intervention.
If he still "knows not what he does" at 12 ( and he will, if no one teaches him) will that be ok?
No wonder there are so many brats about.

Dominodonkey · 03/08/2012 19:20

Thanks defence that's exactly what I wanted to say but kept on sounding like a 4 year old in my replies. I would certainly laugh off something like that if it happened in my house but I would still think the child and its parents were rude.

sancerreity · 03/08/2012 19:22

i would pull up my own child on something like this , but I think it's out of order to tell off somebody else's.She was just making an observation.

SilveryMoon · 03/08/2012 19:27

How is making a truthful observation rude?
Yeah, ok, I don't know how she was really feeling, but we are close, she looks after mine often, I really think she'd have told me.
And yes difference I do not like some random stranger to call my child rude when she doesn't know him or me for that matter. It's not like he is here to defend himself against that attack and I think it was bang out of order.
Like some of you are pointing out, you think he;s rude because I am, so not sure why she wants to talk in that negative manner about my child when it's clearly all my doing, so be rude to me please, not about my son.

SilveryMoon · 03/08/2012 19:29

And why the fuck shouldn't I be concerned about my child's emotional well-being and how he expresses himself? Am i supposed to just tell him off because some people can't handle what he has to say?

FalseStartered · 03/08/2012 19:30

i think Silvery is getting a hard time here because she is talking about a specific incident and is having generalisations batted back at her

SilveryMoon · 03/08/2012 19:32

Thanks False I think that they'll be saying that they are referring to the one situation because they view that what was said was rude and that I should have handled it differently. Smile

DefenceAgainstTheDarkArts · 03/08/2012 19:33

How is making a truthful observation rude?

Just thinking of my day today I could have made a number of 'truthful' observations about people's appearances, hygiene, parenting skills (or lack thereof) driving skills (or lack thereof) and clothing tastes that would have been in some cases, devestating had I verbalised them.

Silvery - no you don't tell him off, you explain to him that some things are for sharing and others are not, that some things are nice to talk about and others are not.

Thankfully, I think I've only been on the receiving end of a child's "honesty" once, and that was genuinely quite funny as I had just had my hair cut and it was a bit shorter than expected. My friend was trying to insist it wasn't, when a toddler said, "Mummy, why does that lady look like a boy?" Grin

His mother said, "No, she doesn't and you don't say loud things about people like that."

See, it's not really hard, is it? Grin

Dominodonkey · 03/08/2012 19:34

silvery you really need to calm down. You can't put an incident involving your child on a discussion board and then not expect people to comment on his behaviour.

DefenceAgainstTheDarkArts · 03/08/2012 19:36

It might be a specific incident, but still, I would be very Hmm if I was picking a child up as a favour and he made those observations unchecked whilst also frantically tidying the house

Seriously - it's something I would remember I'm afraid, and not in a positive way.

SilveryMoon · 03/08/2012 19:40

I fully expect people to comment on his behaviour. I fully expect people to label that behaviour. What I don't expect is for people to label him

Defence No, it's not hard, but excuse me for wanting to have the opportunity to discuss things with my son and not dash his questioning or curiosity by telling him it's not appropriate for him to say out loud.
I want to teach my sons that they can say anything to me, regardless of it;s social acceptance and of course, as they grow and mature, and as their understanding grows I will explain to them about how some things are best left unsaid, but at the moment, I don't feel that my ds1 is in a place to fully understand that.
That is my view of my child's level of understanding at this time. It will change. In a few months, he might be ready to try whispering things to me again.
You may disagree with how I handled this particular situation or on how I may handle any situation, but something of key importance to me is that my children don't ever feel rejected by me. About anything. Any inappropriateness included.

I could have said "let's talk about this later" but i didn't.
Will I next time? Who knows. Depends what is said or done and how.

Floggingmolly · 03/08/2012 19:41

silvery. Nobody's having a go at your child; it's your complete insistence on his right to "express himself" in any way he chooses regardless of the impact on anyone else that's a bit hard to take.
Just out of interest, what age will you think it's appropriate to teach him respect for other people?

SilveryMoon · 03/08/2012 19:41

Defence What do you mean? Observations unchecked? Ds1 had been there for an hour. I'd also gone in for a cuppa when I got there so know full well what he was talking about.

Floggingmolly · 03/08/2012 19:43

Oh God. You're afraid your children will feel rejected by you should you remark on anything they do?

usualsuspect · 03/08/2012 19:44

I would have laughed.

He's 4,not 14.

DefenceAgainstTheDarkArts · 03/08/2012 19:44

I mean that personally, if you had been my friend and it had been my home, I would have expected you to have steered your DS away from the subject of my slatternly ways Grin (indeed he would have had a point had he actually been in my home but still!)

I think we must be approaching this at very different angles as I cannot fathom how, "DS, don't make remarks like that please, it isn't polite," would equate to him feeling rejected.

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