I would like my 3 year old grand-daughter to stay with me for one night, but my daughter in law says NO, AIBU?

[redyam]

I bit of background, this is not me, but I will write as though it is, for a friend.

I sea my grand-daughter every few weeks, we live about 100 miles away from each other. We either go down to my sons house or they come up to stay for the weekend.

We all get on really well, my grand-daughter is delightful, and behaves as good as gold whenever we spend time with her or go out for trips.

I would like to take my 3 year old grand-daughter on an overnight outing nearby. We will take her out for the evening (not late) without the parents, spend the night with her, then bring her back to her parents the next day.

I think it will do her the world of good, give me some quality time with her, and give her parents a night off to do what they want. I'm sure my GD would love it.

However my daughter-in-law says NO! No reason given, to flat out refusal. I'm a little hurt really, as though I can't be trusted with my grand-daughter.

Am I being unreasonable to want to do this, or to feel hurt?

It's the whole ownership thing isn't it, seeker.

It's very strange, and very sad.

You took your mum down the road and showed her the safe places to cross?

Sorry but does she get knocked over frequently on her own?

Sounds so bloody patronising!!!

WHy do parents HAVE to let GPs have 3 year olds?? I don't understand!

I remember at 5 going to stay with my gps and loving it. 5 was the right age, I remember it clearly now still.

When my brother was 5 he came too and hated it, he just wanted my mum.

WTF should my mum have felt pressure to carry on sending him??

Perplexed.

The point is your mum let him go, he didn't like it, that's it. Some never let them go at all!

I thought it was men who were supposed to be controlling?

There seems to be quite a few people who see the children as slightly more theirs than the fathers.

I can't imagine my ex telling me or giving me permission when our children saw my mother. Just like I wouldn't to her.

A bit bizarre really.

seeker apologies for assuming you were a grandparent because you were identifying with the grandparent - I think people do usually see/ take the "side" that they are most similar to most often, which is probably the intuitive but in this case obviously incorrect reason for that inference! I agree that if the child was herself unreservedly willing and eager to go and stay the night, and the grandparent is a "normal, healthy, non smoking non drinking non criminal non stupid adult human being with a functioning brain" :) than not allowing the child to stay over does seem possibly unreasonable, my point was that we can't know those facts from the posts; mother and grandmother may perceive the child's willingness to go differently and very few people recognise their own non normality :o and many may not accept their health is no longer up to something that would have been no problem 30 years earlier, especially when problems have crept in very gradually with age it can be hard to accept what an impact things like being unable to lift etc. can have.

I do also wonder if the relationships within the family involving the step daughter mentioned, whose house the grandparent wished to stay over night at with the 3 year old, is relevant to the OP's story, but that is specific to the OP's own individual case - there is always more to each individual case than whether a grandparent should be "allowed" to have care of a small grandchild over night...

I think it is very sad that GPs perfectly normal wish to have their grandchildren stay over, because it will be nice and fun and they can read stories before bedtime and have cuddles and do all the nice things I remember doing with my GPs, is interpreted as "desperation".

It's not desperation - it's just people really wanting to do something because it will be nice.

I really want to go to the Maldives because it would be nice. It doesn't make me desperate!

Well, maybe a bit.

Huansagain the OP is saying it is her DIL who won't let the child go, but her son is staying out of it - for all we know he doesn't want the child to go to his mother either but doesn't want to be the one to rock the boat/ upset his mother!

As we have not been told whether the daughter's mother has the child over night the father's mother v mother's mother thing is almost certainly a red herring!

If the father doesn't want his child to stay with his mother he should say.

The boat has already been rocked by the looks of things.

I've been thinking about it, and if my mother wanted the twins overnight, I expect I could do a wonderful OP from her point of view. For example, she likes to blame my husband for me saying no! I'm certain her slant would get lots of YANBUs.

I'm also certain that my version would garner lots of YANBUs. I could potentially manage an unanimous consensus. It's all about what things you mention.

theenglishwoman

"mother and grandmother may perceive the child's willingness to go differently and very few people recognise their own non normality grin and many may not accept their health is no longer up to something that would have been no problem 30 years earlier"

So true, a small example of this is my DD with MIL.
As a baby and up until 4, she cried when MIL tried to hold her - froze when she went near her etc.
Mil said this was because...." she isnt use to me", as said before she saw her on average - 3 times a month for hours on end and frequently over night.

However - friends of mine or other relaitves that had sometimes NEVER seen DD before - dd would warm to instantly.

The plain truth was - my DD simply didnt warm to MIL!

A few weeks ago MIl picked DD up from nursery she said " OOhh she was sooo pleased to see me - she actually jumped up and ran to me and nearly knocked me over".

we didnt tell mil - but of course - DD does that every single time I , my DH or DB picks her up too!

With us - and me - alot of the GP problem is values...mostly people dont go around talking non stop about what is so great about how they live - but my PILS do - and yet I dont like the way they live and dont want it shoved down my DD throat.

They are very well off and they are very proud of themselves for this and definalty see themselves as " superior" beings,,,....said in the past " we dont need to keep up with the jones we ARE the jones!"

I dont mind DD going there occasionaly when other people are there - but dont want that exposure and constant going on about thier money and how its the most imp thing really.

You limit access because they are rich, vain and materialistic??

I totally agree with everyone who is saying that most DMs and MILs would present themselves as the GM in the OP

I find that that generation, or maybe that age (possibly we'll do it too?) don't recognise their own limitations and lessening abilities.

An AIBU to not not leave my DCs alone with a GM who doesn't hear them well, doesn't see them well, whose reactions are too slow when out near roads, doesn't themselves feel water temperatures properly any more, Doesn't wake with any noises or cries at night etc would probably get near 100% support.

Now a younger parent with impaired sight/mobility/hearing could do the job perfectly but they would presumably acknowledge their limitations and work around them, totally different kettle of fish to a GP who insists that they are not ageing and their age doesn't limit them at all!

You limit access unless other people are there, surely they would talk and boast to other people more then they would to your DD on her own?

Mostly in my experience, Grandparents don't tend to be getting old enough to the point that their sight/hearing is getting bad. Amongst my circle of friends, of those who have kids, their parents became Grandparents in their mid 40's and not even hit menopause yet. So if the Grandparents are non smokers/drinkers, are mid/late 40's with good sight and hearing, and perfectly capable of looking after a 3 year old, (which going by this thread, you wouldn't think is the norm) then what else could be the issue?

kayano how dare you describe my concern for my mother and my daughter as "patronising"! What the hell do you know? Not much, obviously.

Age related disability happens very gradually - unless you suffer a devastating stroke or other medical crisis, it happens so gradually people don't always realise the extent of it. My mother knew she was "a bit deaf" but the truth is she didn't realise that she couldn't "hear" you if she didn't see you talking to her. That's how bad it was.

She also had cataracts, not quite bad enough to be operated on but which obviously affected her ability to see. We all noticed her limitations, but to her it was just normal. To her, and to most people who didn't spend much time with her and didn't know her very well, she was an active, healthy woman in her seventies.

She managed fine, like most people in her position, but we all worried about her and looked after her in many ways without patronising her - because we loved her! She was a wonderful woman who worked bloody hard all her life and died six years ago, having spent lots of wonderful, valuable time with her granddaughter who was 4 when she died. She still has fond memories of her, despite the fact that she never saw her grandma without me, and never had an overnight stay with her unless I was also there.

She never even asked to have my daughter on her own overnight, because it wouldn't have been as enjoyable for her to see her granddaughter without also seeing her daughter. Because she loved us both, and wanted to see us both. She often said "It's so wonderful for me to see you being a mum".

She would have kicked your arse for your crude assumptions.

most GPs I know are in their 50s or 60s and slowing down but don't realise it yet, some are still working but definitely don't have the same reactions that they had when they were parents.

There are lots of ways a GP can have a relationship with their GCs without having sole overnight care of them. i don't see why they have to be alone or asleep in the same house as them to have a relationship with them

I wouldn't say its THAT common for GPs to be 40, not unusual but not the norm either

I think its to do with you do not like the MIL/DIL and find any little thing to justify yourself. That same thing when you don't like someone and anything they do will irrationally bug you and you blow it up in your head till its a humongous thing. Really unless there are serious issues you should let the GP get on with it and treat yourself to a break.

I cannot believe someone showed her mum where to cross a road, you do realise she has been crossing roads years before you were born.

And by the way, we felt the same about MIL too, who was older and struggled with more serious disabilities - but we made sure she spent plenty of quality time with her granddaughter too.

All without a single overnight stay! Amazing !

there could be that, why not invite the whole family to stay and all go to the beach together?

• exactly the same amt of time with your GC

I think some GPs want to prove to themselves that they CAN do it (when they can't really) I know this is true of one I know who constantly tries to bite off more than she can chew in terms of her GCs, and her children and ILs decline for HER sake because they know she tries to prove to herself and everyone else that she can do these things when they actually wipe her out

I cannot believe someone showed her mum where to cross a road

Another one who just hasn't been there yet.

Even mid 50's I would expect most to be in good shape health wise. Another one of my Uncles is classed as disabled, but nothing to do with his energy, sight or hearing. He loves getting the opportunity to take my kids to the park and get ice cream as he doesn't have GC of his own. Maybe I am just surrounded by too many "elders" who are able to look after children perfectly well.

Now my Nan, my kids Great Nan, is completely different. She is 80 and definitely can't run around after a toddler but even she, at her grand old age has babysat my eldest whilst I, for example, went and took my driving test a few years ago and she managed fine.

I think people are too quick at times to write people off as incapable.

"I think people are too quick at times to write people off as incapable."

not incapable, capable of doing lots of things with their GC, but perhaps not capable to do EVERYTHING they used to do or think they can do

this is the age when people are counting down to retirement or retiring and often its not a moment too soon. They're not stone deaf or walking with a zimmer frame but they are a bit slower all round and a bit more tired and need to squint a bit to read and don't hear you properly if you are behind them/in the next room etc

Shullbut, there is a middle ground between being young and spritely and old and totally incapable y'know. its a slow process for most, and it has begun for many GPs. If it hasn't for yours then you are very lucky! I'ld love to be able to sod off and leave DS with my mum, but y'know what, I actually worry about her when she is alone WITHOUT DS too because she doesn't realise how clumsy etc she has become and lies about it (denies falls unless you witness them etc)

By the way, I trust my 80 year old Nan whose health is not all that great more than my 52 year old perfectly well Mother with the care of my children. My Nan has more common sense, despite her not having much energy and easily getting breathless and her sight not being as well as it once was than anyone else I know. I know she would never allow harm to come to my children if it is within her control, when my Mother is the type to give Coca fucking Cola to an 8 month old.

It is about common sense, not age related health.