I would like my 3 year old grand-daughter to stay with me for one night, but my daughter in law says NO, AIBU?

[redyam]

I bit of background, this is not me, but I will write as though it is, for a friend.

I sea my grand-daughter every few weeks, we live about 100 miles away from each other. We either go down to my sons house or they come up to stay for the weekend.

We all get on really well, my grand-daughter is delightful, and behaves as good as gold whenever we spend time with her or go out for trips.

I would like to take my 3 year old grand-daughter on an overnight outing nearby. We will take her out for the evening (not late) without the parents, spend the night with her, then bring her back to her parents the next day.

I think it will do her the world of good, give me some quality time with her, and give her parents a night off to do what they want. I'm sure my GD would love it.

However my daughter-in-law says NO! No reason given, to flat out refusal. I'm a little hurt really, as though I can't be trusted with my grand-daughter.

Am I being unreasonable to want to do this, or to feel hurt?

I agree with bobyan, sometimes gp's have lost touch with what it's like to actually care for very young children or do things that COULD do lasting harm. For example, when I am there gp's have put on totally unsuitable films and clips for my 3yr old to watch, luckily ive been there to step in and turn them off. Maybe it's only one night but something like that CAN do lasting damage. It doesn't mean the gp's are totally unreasonable or not capable, but just not the sort of thing I want my children exposed to. There are many other reasons that explain it, rather than being possessive and 'conrolling' your child, this is just one example.

"it flabbergasts me that so many people become instantly untrustworthy the minute their son has a baby......"

My IL didn't - they worked bloody hard at it as soon as they knew I was pg.

Stories from DH childhood that their peers viewed as dangerous and extremely lax parenting. Constant undermining if we said something even something fairly obvious safety wise they did opposite.

It was a definite change in their attitude - notice by others as well us - as well as our DC getting older that led to us being able to leave them to it.

I wonder how common our situation is - parents not able to accept their DC as grown ups and let them be parents. My MIL wanted to be called mama ffs and seemed think she got to decide schools, religion etc... she now well settled into Grannie role and now loves it.

What wxatly are these normal sentient adult human beings going to do in one night that is going to do lasting damage to a child?

olgaga, it IS NOT 100 miles away. The Grandparents live 100 miles away, meaning that they will not be able to see their Grandchild as often as they would like. So, now listen, they want to collect the child, take her to the beach for the day, then stay at another relatives home (which the child has stayed at before so will NOT be strange for her) overnight which is within short distance from Mummys and Daddys if anything happens.

She is not wanting to drag the child 100 miles away.

My children never stayed over, but that doesn´t mean that the GPs never had time on their own with them.

Although ILs always preferred it when their son was there.
They never wanted to see just me & the children & if we popped out for an hour leaving the children, they always struggled to entertain them.

Rather than just letting the children do what they wanted & joining in, they always wanted to be organising stuff & made it harder than it needed to be.

This generation think they invented parenting.

If its near the parents why the need to add the stay over in? Why not just do the beach and bring her home later?

Or maybe this generation doesn't want to be told how to parent by their parents?

In my case seeker they couldn't see the harm in leaving the house and small babies and young toddler being left alone by themselves - a friend of there a single mum used to nip next door with a baby monitor they couldn't see the difference between that and going down the street. DH was left in hotel rooms as a baby as they went out and staff of hotel they just met would keep an informal eye on him.

Now the DC are older - they wouldn't dream of it apparently as they might get scared - but younger they believed they'd just sleep through. I suppose we could have reasoned chances of fire were remote and DC might have slept through rather than got very scared - but we as parents chose not to.

They believe it all hype about sunburn as sun is good for you an a tan attractive- they regularly use sun beds - DC know about hats and cream and they like them out all day when they have DC. DH remembers a lot of pain from blistering skin as a child though MIL claims he never brunt. Several members of my family have had skin cancer I wasn't keen to increase the DC risk. It took a while to get across both DH and I felt the same and sun burn was a big deal.

They fed DD1 food that triggered a mild allergic reaction as they don't believe in allergies. Since then they become more aware as MIL developed an skin allergy and a close friend developed a life threatening one and are much more accommodating of the DC allergies.

I had words with my parents and child seats - they though them unnecessary when I had first GC. They were up in arms few years later with DN when her other grandmother used to have her overnight and take her shopping but had no child seat in her car.

My IL aren't bad people - nor my parents or DN other grandmother and they are normal sentient adult human beings they just seem to come from a different place initially with acceptable risks.

It's probably not like that in OP case but I know my DC GP couldn't see our issues for a long time.

"If its near the parents why the need to add the stay over in? Why not just do the beach and bring her home later?"

Oh. I don't know. Because it might be fun? Or aren't children allowed to have fun without mummy?

pommedechocolat
Or maybe this generation doesn't want to be told how to parent by their parents?

I fear my DC their partners and us are doomed.

My Mum and MIL hated at times their DC grandmothers both their MILs and mothers as they constantly undermined and told them how to parent and stuck their noses in. I know as they are very vocal on the subject.

Both did initially exactly the same to us.

My (ex)ILS managed to bring up 3 boys. I married their youngest. They were 'normal' parents.

They're 'normal' people.

But - they smoked in the house. Didn't believe in sunscreen and swore like troupers. The extended family were always around and were all just the same.

I wouldn't let my DCs sleep over. I would take them round but wouldn't let them stay over.
If that makes me precious, conceited and jealous so be it.

Whos's to decide whats normal? Who's to decide what's best? The parents perhaps?

FGS who/where are all these hundreds of 'normal' hard done by GPs who are being denied their god given right to have their GCs overnight by the hariden DILs?

What's with all the bashing 'this generation'? Can you hear yourselves? You're not winning anyone over.

There are a few posters here repeating the same thing over and over again and becoming increasingly bitter sounding. We've heard your opinion. Saying it over and over doesn't make it more valid than anyone else's.

hey, lady. keep that baby at home with you. if your mother in law wants a baby, let her give birth.

Funny how it's always the GPs that are classed as bitter.

Quite frankly I wouldn't want to win you over.

Well said Fluffy!

I just said some posters are sounding bitter. If they happen to be GPs that says more about them than me.

You meant me, It's alright I can take it.

I'm a bitter twisted entitled GP.

well, this is supposed to be the second-bitchiest place on the internet...

The "well they managed to bring up your dh so they must be capable of looking after your children" argument is just daft. My parents managed to bring me up, too, with a whole load of well-hidden abuse on the way. I am the way I am now in spite of their "care", and because of all the help I had from people outside my immediate family.

I reckon the OP has dressed this up as a favour to the DIL, who has said "no thankyou" because she doesn't want a break from her dd.

Or poss the DIL wants to enjoy her dd's first trip to the beach, not let someone else do that.

Or poss the GM is not as great as she thinks. My mum claims to be mystified as to why we don't let her see our dcs.

Or maybe the DIL is a possessive selfish cow, but the OP started by saying that she gets on well with her and spends plenty of time with them and her gc, so that seems unlikely.

Why wouldn't you have taken a three year old to the beach before now if you were really bothered? She is three! Never been to the beach!!!

It wasn't just you usual. I really did mean some posters, not just one.

I don't think anyone is saying to pack your children off for the night to their Grandparents if they smoke indoors or do anything else which is detrimental to their health and safety.

Just asking why not when that isn't the case. It is fun for the child. And the Grandparents. It is useful if ever there is a reason that the child/ren have to stay, as they will be used to it. And the bonus is, is that Mummy and Daddy get a break and some them time.

And there isn't always a good reason to not do so. I would say that the vast majority don't for their own selfish reasons because I don't believe that more Mothers/Grandparents are more useless and shit than those who aren't.

Kayano
Why wouldn't you have taken a three year old to the beach before now if you were really bothered? She is three! Never been to the beach!!!

Ours were older Kayano when we got there - we are a fair distance from the beach, transport is a pain and money was tight and bad stuff kept happening to us. It got put off and off but was important to us.

Actually my DC GP were quite good there - they let us go on our first holiday alone and waited till following years to join us.

I suspect they may be building up to asking to take them away in a few years - DC are used to stopping with them over a week and they been on holiday with them. As long as it was in UK we'd be happy for this - when it was hinted at when they were younger whole idea horrified us.