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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

...to be pissed off that DH is still friends with someone who doesn't like me?

91 replies

Arana · 26/07/2012 07:41

DH has a work colleague he is good friends with, but me and his friend totally got off on the wrong foot. His friend plainly doesn't like me, even though I've made moves to clear the slate and start afresh.

Aibu that DH is still good friends with this person, and refuses to discuss the while thing?

OP posts:

BelleDameSansMerci · 26/07/2012 07:44

I think YABU. Why does it matter?

PeggyCarter · 26/07/2012 07:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JumpingThroughHoops · 26/07/2012 07:45

YABU to expect him to ditch friends for you. He has to work with this person.

You don't have to socialise with that person.

me and his friend totally got off on the wrong foot I've made moves to clear the slate and start afresh. - go on! Spill what did you do?

JeezyPeeps · 26/07/2012 07:46

Yes YABU. I have friends that didn't like my xp, had he been pissed off at me for seeing them then he would have been thd one losing out.

He has a friend that I could not stand (with good reason). My only requirement was that he didn't come to my house. My ex had to go to him.

dreamingbohemian · 26/07/2012 07:46

Does his being friends with him mean that you have to socialise with him too?

I'm not sure I would mind if DH just saw him at work and maybe out for drinks, I would mind very much if DH was inviting him home for dinner and expecting me to host and cook for him.

seeker · 26/07/2012 07:48

What business of yours is it who your dp is friends with?

Dprince · 26/07/2012 07:50

Yabu. He is your DHs friend. He shouldn't have to drop people because of his relationship with you.

Ikickedthetyres · 26/07/2012 07:54

So do you vet all your dh's friends? Is there a list of "approved" friends?

Unless the friend is a druggie or indulging in risky behaviour and encouraging your DH to do the same, why does it matter?

HecateHarshPants · 26/07/2012 07:56

It depends.

If it is just that you don't get on, then YABU.

If he is rude about you to your husband, then YANBU.

If you don't have to see him, then YABU

If he comes round to your house and treats you like shit, then YANBU

Liketochat1 · 26/07/2012 07:57

As long as his friend isn't openly critical of you and you don't have to have anything to do with him, then would let it go. If, however, he is saying unkind things about you to your partner or you are having to socialize with him then I would say something to your oh.

Original poster

Arana · 26/07/2012 08:01

Yes, we have to socialise together - I've tried to make amends a couple of times at mutual friends' gatherings with no success. It makes these situations very uncomfortable for me.

I've asked DH to bring it up with his friend, but he won't even discuss it with me.

I'll probably get accused of drip feeding now, but his friend is female. The reason we hit it off badly was because she refused to acknowledge their relationship was inappropriate when I pulled them up on it. He agreed, and backed off, but she kept on calling him, emailing him etc. When I asked her not to, she went ballistic at me, and DH has refused to get involved ever since.

I'm trying to make amends for both mine and DH's sake, but getting nowhere.

OP posts:

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 26/07/2012 08:03

What Hecate said. How has the friend made it plain he doesn't like you?

Dprince · 26/07/2012 08:04

Why was the relationship inappropriate?
Because without further info I would be pisses off if one of my male friends new girlfriends started dictating how our relationship should be.

JeezyPeeps · 26/07/2012 08:04

In what way is their relationship inappropriate?

dreamingbohemian · 26/07/2012 08:09

Oh gosh, that's tricky. I can see in a way why your DH doesn't want to get involved -- he has to work with her and probably he doesn't want any more drama. He can't force someone to like you. Is she openly rude or nasty to you or just kind of blanking you?

You say you're trying to make amends -- does that mean you don't think you handled it the right way?

You say your DH is still friends with her, what does that entail? Do they go out just the two of them?

seeker · 26/07/2012 08:12

An, the old "new girlfriend=dump all old friends" scenario!

BenedictsCumberbitch · 26/07/2012 08:13

Slightly different but my DH had a friend who openly hated me for reasons I never quite could fathom (male). I was pleasant to him although cool and although my DH never said it I'm pretty sure he used to make bitchy remarks about me and my weight to others (well he did because it filtered back through to me). Anyway he and his wife (who is as mental as him) once made the mistake o openly slating me on bloody Facebook of all places, really going for me, of which I was blissfully unaware as I rarely go on but all DH's friends saw, as did DH and the scales fell from the eyes about the type of person this friend was. Neither my DH, I or virtually anyone else DH's in DH's social circle ever hear from this man anymore after he was left in no doubt that what he did to me was Not Cool. As an aside I get on very well with all of DH's other friends so no idea why this one prick man took against me.

So um I'm gonna say on balance YANBU as it's shit when someone hates you and I h ope your DH is sticking up for you if she badmouths you.

confusedpixie · 26/07/2012 08:16

Yabu, none of your business who he is friends with.

HippoPottyMouth · 26/07/2012 08:17

Hmm, still depends.

Who was there first? You or her?

In what way were they being inappropriate?

The fact that you feel you need to make amends implies you did something bad..
But on the other hand I can imagine being pissed off in the same circs.

What would probably annoy me the most is his complete refusal to talk about it, but is that because you won't shut up about it?

samandi · 26/07/2012 08:22

YABU and sound like a loon rather controlling.

Mayisout · 26/07/2012 08:22

Hmmmm. If DH had a friend I didn't like (in fact coming to think of it he has friends I don't like) I just accept them and 'chat' with a false friendliness for a peaceful life.
So imo SHE is being unreasonable for being nasty. Possibly she is envious but there is nothing you can do but perhaps find a different social group.

Is she single? If she is then you can hope that when a new man arrives in her life she will cool friendship with DH.

FredFredGeorge · 26/07/2012 08:23

It doesn't matter who was there first, YABU to dictate your DH's friends, he's free to be friends with whoever he wants, he doesn't need to discuss it, but you're free to set out why you don't want him to be friends, he's free to ignore you though.

If my DP tried to dictate the friends I had, I'd be more likely to walk away from her than the friend - not because the particular friend was more important, but because that sort of controlling is just completely unacceptable.

addictedisback · 26/07/2012 08:23

It depends what you mean by inappropriate.

However on the basis of what you've said so far yabu.

My brother is getting married next month and his fiance can not stand his best man. But its none of her business who his friends are. As long as nothing illegal is going on, you need to accept his friends are his friends.

FartyMcTarty · 26/07/2012 08:26

YANBU, and I thought so before you mentioned that the friend was female.

I also think that given the OP refers to her DH that this is inaccurate and bitchy: An, the old "new girlfriend=dump all old friends" scenario!

HecateHarshPants · 26/07/2012 08:26

In what way was it inappropriate?

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