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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to be pissed off that DH is still friends with someone who doesn't like me?

91 replies

Arana · 26/07/2012 07:41

DH has a work colleague he is good friends with, but me and his friend totally got off on the wrong foot. His friend plainly doesn't like me, even though I've made moves to clear the slate and start afresh.

Aibu that DH is still good friends with this person, and refuses to discuss the while thing?

OP posts:
Original poster
Arana · 26/07/2012 09:06

Lol search my other posts, this isn't research. I didn't want to taint the question with "he's having an emotional affair, leave him". That was a year ago.

OP posts:
akaemmafrost · 26/07/2012 09:08

Have you posted about this before? Have you moved abroad?

YANBU.

HecateHarshPants · 26/07/2012 09:09

So if it had been a man that he was going drinking with, going shopping with, getting pissed with and crashing out at his place and going to strip clubs with, would you consider that an inappropriate relationship?

Let's ignore the disgustingness of strip clubs, that's another issue.

But he has a male friend. They get pissed together and he crashes at his mate's place.

Inappropriate?

He has a male friend. They bugger off into town and buy some stuff.

Inappropriate?

So really, the issue here is that the person is female. That in itself does not turn ok activities into not ok ones. Drinking with a mate is drinking with a mate, whether that mate is male or female.

And he's stopped doing it any way. He no longer goes out drinking with her. He no longer goes shopping with her. He no longer stays at her place.

But that's not enough. you want her to disappear from his life altogether?

Original poster
Arana · 26/07/2012 09:09

To be honest, I don't even know what I'm asking, but the whole thing still gets to me. I don't do grudges.

OP posts:
HecateHarshPants · 26/07/2012 09:11

Is there even more to it then?

Were they intimate? Emotionally close? Romantic?

Because getting pissed and crashing on someone's sofa doesn't seem like a big deal to me, it really doesn't.

Original poster
Arana · 26/07/2012 09:13

Hecate, that's why I posted ambiguously to start with. I wasn't questioning what was inappropriate.

I don't want her to disappear altogether (altgough I can't say I'd cry myself to sleep if she did) but I just want the times where me and his friend have to spend time together to be less uncomfortable.

OP posts:
Original poster
Arana · 26/07/2012 09:15

They were emotionally close.

OP posts:
geegee888 · 26/07/2012 09:16

YANBU. Always go with your instincts OP.

I see it as two seperate issues. Your DH might have a friend you don't get on with. Unless he is openly rude to you, its not really up to you to object. Unless you want him to be a lapdog. If the friend is rude to you, he should drop him like a stone.

Inappropriately intimate emails, messages, etc is different territory. I also don't think it appropriate for a work colleague either. You were right to call her up on it and I'd expect your DH to support you. I had a slightly less dramatic similar situation with a female friend of my DH's, and he supported me when I pointed out it was inappropriate and dropped all but polite contact with her - no more text messages, lengthy conversations, "innocent" flirting on nights out, etc..

I don't know why either of them can't see it as inappropriate and back off. I would find it really irritating.

fireice · 26/07/2012 09:18

From her point of view she isnt likely to want to be friends with you - She meets you for the first time and you have a go at her about her friendship with your DH? What made you do that? You should have discussed it with him not her.

Yogagirl17 · 26/07/2012 09:19

Sorry Hecate but I'd actually say that getting drunk and crashing on a female friend's sofa is inappropriate. A "mate" isn't just a "mate" and it does make a difference what sex the other person.

I know I'm probably letting my own recent experiences influence what I'm saying but I learned the hard way at the end of last year that anyone can cheat, no matter how good you think your marriage is. And the best way to avoid it is to a)acknowledge that the behaviour is risky (none of this 'but don't you trust me' crap, I'm serious!)and b)don't put yourself in the risky situation. Period.

HecateHarshPants · 26/07/2012 09:22

But your husband won't say anything to her and he's happy for her to treat you like crap?

does he resent you for as he sees it 'stopping' him from being friends with this woman? Do you think he enjoys seeing this problem between the two of you?

Marne · 26/07/2012 09:24

YABU, most of my friends don't like dh Grin but hat does it matter, surely your dh can have friends that are not friends with you? just let dh get on with it, you dont have to be around the person.

HecateHarshPants · 26/07/2012 09:25

we'll have to agree to disagree on that one, Yoga. Although I understand, and sympathise, that you've suffered a betrayal. Simply being of the opposite sex doesn't mean anything, imo, if that is all it is. You can be good and close friends with someone of the opposite sex, love them to bits, enjoy being with them, and it be nothing more than that. Just as it can be with a friend of the same sex. I have had a couple of really close friends who happened to be male. I loved them very much. Same as I loved my female friends.

If, otoh, there is a betrayal, that's a totally different thing.

dreamingbohemian · 26/07/2012 09:28

I think unfortunately, what you want (to not feel uncomfortable around her) is not realistic. She had an inappropriate friendship with your DH and has been rude to you since being called on it. It is very unlikely that things will ever be normal between you really.

You cannot change her behaviour, you can only change how you feel about it. Why does it get to you so much, if she was in the wrong?

I'm curious what your relationship with your DH is like overall right now. Are you having any problems? Any insecurities about things? I would think that if things were great between you, this woman would bother you less.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 26/07/2012 09:29

OP why do you have to see her? Do you all work together?

ENormaSnob · 26/07/2012 09:31

Sounds like they were more than friends IMO.

Originalplurker · 26/07/2012 09:35

There is nothing wrong with preserving your marriage, there is not room or this person in it. It is inappropriate.

I think your DH is disrespectful and your problem is with him. Why do you have to socialise at all, is it a work thing and how often.

I would have gone ballistic btw, and that was before I read the post about how he met her.

ZZZenAgain · 26/07/2012 09:41

I don't think you are being U to be annoyed about this.

limitedperiodonly · 26/07/2012 09:43

YANBU. Why on earth does he want to socialise with a colleague who's so hostile to his wife?

Original poster
Arana · 26/07/2012 09:47

THey had an intense friendship over a short period of time. When I made a big deal of it, DH backed off. It then took another couple of months and me to make my opinion clear for her to back off.

She now has a new boyfriend. We have lots of mutual friends, so when we go to BBQs or out with friends, she's usually there. She totally blanks me, and imo rudely ignores me if I try and include her in wider conversation. I don't go out of my way to talk to her, but sometimes we end up speaking to the same people.

Like I said, I don't know what I want. I want the whole thing to have never happened. Nothing "happened" between them, I'm certain of that, but it wasn't for lack of her trying. I don't honestly thing there's anything DH can do.

I guess I just have to be content with the way it is. I just struggle to move on.

OP posts:
Dprince · 26/07/2012 09:48

But he isn't socialising with her. The OP says he is only speaks to her at work and mutual socialising. So is he meant to ignore her at work? Or when there is a group of people out together?
Either will make it difficult for the dh working. I am still failing to see what the problem is now. The friendship has cooled as the OP requested. She isn't off the scene completely, but unless one of them changes jobs that's never going to happen.
Not sure what it is the OP wants.

Dprince · 26/07/2012 09:51

Well op if you don't know what you want. Yabu to think we would.
Sounds like dh did as you asked. She doesn't have to like you. But it doesn't actually sound like they are friends. Sounds like they are just collegues that mix in the same social circle.

CinnabarRed · 26/07/2012 09:53

When I made a big deal of it, DH backed off. It then took another couple of months and me to make my opinion clear for her to back off.

I don't think you made a big deal of it - it was a big deal; your DH was having an emotional affair with her.

I also think it's beyond pathetic that she won't at least be polite to you at social events that you both attend. Why should you - sho did nothing wrong - not feel comfortable at events you (presumably) wish to attend?

Yogagirl17 · 26/07/2012 09:54

I think what you're saying make a lot of sense, and I think the fact that your DH backed off as soon as you made your feelings clear is a great sign. I think the only thing you can do, is not try to repair your friendship with the woman but keep trying to work on the relationship and the communication with your DH - ask him to try and understand how you feel, explain that you know there will be unavoidable situations like BBQs etc and you just hope he can be sensitive to the fact that she still makes you uncomfortable. Maybe in such situations it might help to get an extra wink or a smile or a bit of extra support from him.

Yogagirl17 · 26/07/2012 09:54

Hecate I also think that friendships you've had for years - old school friends who really are just "mates" - may be very different from someone new.

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