...to be pissed off that DH is still friends with someone who doesn't like me?

[Arana]

DH has a work colleague he is good friends with, but me and his friend totally got off on the wrong foot. His friend plainly doesn't like me, even though I've made moves to clear the slate and start afresh.

Aibu that DH is still good friends with this person, and refuses to discuss the while thing?

Really, I would find it disrespectful if my DH remained close friends with someone who disliked me and refused to recognise my attempts to make a fresh start.

I think Hecate mostly sums up exactly what I was thinking - right up unto the point where you said she was a female friend and their relationship was "inappropriate" - so now you need to elaborate on the "inappropriateness" in order that we can properly judge how U you are (or not) being.

The fact that your DH agreed to back off may suggest that he agreed it was inappropriate - and may also suggest that the "friend" had her eye on being more than a friend - but equally may not.

More details please.

OP, please tell us how their friendship was inappropriate. In my view, whether yabu or yanbu all rests on that.

Would people please put all the nitty gritty important details in their OPs? it would make life so much easier.

How were they inappropriate?

That's quite a drip-feed - there's a bit of a difference between someone who just 'doesn't like you' and someone who's trying to pursue an 'inappropriate relationship' with your husband!

Why are you trying to 'make amends' - what have you done wrong? It sounds like there's more going on here than you're telling us.

Difficult to say if YABU without the full picture, but I suspect you are - in general I agree with others that you don't get to dictate your partner's choice of friends, any more than he does yours. Unless you think there's something 'inappropriate' happening between them you probably need to let it go.

Yes but to become a dh/dw you are usually a boyfriend/ girlfriend first.
It seems from what is written that they were friends, OP came along and declared the relationship inappropriate, he backed down for a quiet life and this woman is pissed off.
Which I think, on the information given, is fair enough.

I mean, if the female friend is completely above board then I can see she might be pretty offended at being accused of being a husband-stealer (if that's where you were going with your "inappropriate" suggestion) - and she might have decided that you were simply too paranoid to bother with. Again, equally, there might have been no smoke without fire and she's just pissed off that you spotted it.

Hard to tell without more detail! (or in fact, being there.)

Need more details, however i think YANBU. SAying that it really should have been your DH who you told to cool the relationship, not her. but the fact that he didn't "take your side" when she went ballistic at you speaks volumes to me!

For a site that will have an unanimous "he is having an affair" response to a guy being late home from work a few times, i find it odd that these threads where men have close "friendships" with women tend to follow that the woman is BU for having a problem with it.

New girlfriend? We've been married for 8 years with two DCs.

We moved house and jobs, and dh had to work in the new place for 6 weeks in the new place. While there he struck up a friendship with this person that involved large amounts of heavy drinking, going to strip clubs, spending the night at her place when he was too wasted to go home, going clothes shopping, long phone calls.

Ah, YANBU at all imo. How many of us would really be happy about our husband having a 'friendship' like that with another woman that involved sleeping at their house?

Plenty of situations like this end in an affair.

Well in the light of that tidal wave of drip feeding it would seem your problem is not with the friend - your problem is your DH. Do you see that?

Bit dim here - how long has your DH been friends with this girl?

Would need to know why the friendship was inappropriate before commenting really.

One of DH's friends (female) and I can't stand each other. Never have like each other really, though we've both made a bit of an effort with each other in the past but we just don't get on. It's strange really because after 14 years of semi effort making from both of us we finally had a 'I don't like you, you don't like me' chat last year and have got on better ever since. We'll never be buddies but we can at least be in each others' company without groaning now. You can't choose who your partner is friends with, as long as friends is all they are.

Laqueen it isn't quite how you have described though really as it isn't that the OP didn't like the "friend" but that the friend clearly dislikes her and has made their feelings clear, so yes, its very disrespectful or maybe disloyal of the DH not to tell this OW to fuck the fuck off. My DP has a friend i am not keen on, my DP knows this but i have no problem with it as the person in question has never been rude or disrespectful to me - I don't have to like my DPs friends and my DP doesn't have to like mine, in fact he doesn't like a couple of them and it turned out he was right about them but thats another story. The OPs situation is different

Arana, even more drip feeding.

I'm sorry, but if you want an honest response, you need to be honest in your op. I don't mind unintentional drip feeding, but yours is making me wonder if this is research, looking at attitudes etc.

For that reason, I'm out.

While there he struck up a friendship with this person that involved large amounts of heavy drinking, going to strip clubs, spending the night at her place when he was too wasted to go home, going clothes shopping, long phone calls.

Well to be honest, no, I wouldn't be happy about this at all. YANBU.

crossed posts - i agree with lentilly!

yours is making me wonder if this is research, looking at attitudes etc.

Gah! Why do I never see these things! You're probably right Jeezy. Over and out.

I'd be a bit put out too tbh. YANBU. Have you explained to DH how much it upsets you?

Dh limits his contact now to work and mutual socialisation.

Oh dear. Yes that is inappropriate. Bit tbh I wouldn't be happy if it was a man or a woman. Dh has never been one of the those that gets trashed, frequents strip bars. Sp if he met a friend and started doing this yes I would be annoyed.
However I agree the issue is with your dh, not this woman and you shouldn't have been the one who told her to cool it.
Intact I still think yabu slightly. You have tried to make amends with a woman that this happened with. Added with the fact of the massive drip feeding, I suspect you may be stretching this a bit.
You clearly feel you did something wrong. Why would you in this situation?

or, as pp said, you are trying to do some research, a reverse aibu or trying to prove some sort of point about opinions on here.

YANBU! But i do think you are looking at the problem in the wrong way. The issue is not that she doesn't like you. For what it's worth I don't think you should feel under any obligation to get her to like you, her behaviour towards your husband was inappropriate and you should not be doing any apologising for pulling them up on that.

If you're still uncomfortable about the situation your conversations need to be with your DH, not the "friend". He needs to acknowledge how uncomfortable their relationship makes you and needs to be willing to accept some very specific ground rules. If he still has to work with her and if you're pretty sure nothing ever actually happened between them then he probably has to able to at least get along with her but by refusing to discuss it with you he's sending up red flags as far as I'm concerned.