Butt of jokes to please Mother-In-Law

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Hi - any advice on tackling an awkward Mother-in-law situation please ;)
She's 'nice' but a bit of a matriarch and her (middleaged) kids, including my husband, still kowtow to her...including (his) serving me up as the butt of jokes to entertain and appease her. She/they have always followed this pattern of 'family' set up - it obviously 'keeps her sweet'. One of the group is the butt of the jokes - the clown, the buffer, the fool - an outlet for her sharp, sometimes cruel sense of 'humour'. Her late husband was the butt before me. It was all a bit 'one foot in the grave' /only fools and horses comedy sketch type stuff.

You know the type of thing - 'gentle' (?!) constant ribbing about memory lapses..."ooh, memory loss, well you want to see this one...she puts the Marmite in the fridge and the marg in the cupboard...oooh ha ha...what a silly old sausage ha ha!" and other such acutely funny and hilarious (constant) gentle jibes...Its usually when we visit her and can be combined with tutting and frowning to accompany other 'silly' things I do, like when we visit a cafe for tea and I choose to take the food off the tray and place it nicely on the table instead of eating from the tray on the table, or other such 'wallyish' behaviour...it.it makes me feel totally stupid, feeble, unwanted, clownish and third rate. They all have such a belly snigger at me, their stupid old buffer/blithering idiot (who is actually thought of as a fairly talented, intelligent, attractive and kind person by her friends outside of this setup). This has taken place regularly now every Christmas and all other visits to her. The other daughter in law gets it sometimes, but she is absent from these gatherings a lot more now (I dont know how she managed that!). To make it worse - the mother in law is now 14 months a widow - so 'needs' more cheering up and 'taking her mind off her loss' - hence my 'forgiving' it for the months following the immediate bereavement.

I lost my mother 4 years ago to 10 years of leukaemia and my father 10 years ago to bowel cancer. I have one disabled brother only. I understand bereavement and the need for kindness, but I never generated situations wherein someone was labelled and treated as the clown, simply to distract me from my sorrows. I have a very good sense of humour - but it never involves singling anyone out for re-designing their 'role' in a social set up.

To make it worse - the visits will step up now as Christmas will approach. Ive talked to my husband about this - he's promised (again and again) to stop it and is sympathetic - but the minute we are in her house, it starts again. I spend time crying or fuming or texting friends in her bathroom, craving to just get out. Yet, when we go out for a little walk, she reaches for my arm to cling onto (Les Dawson style!!) down the street! I resent this as surely clowns/old fools shouldnt be capable of supporting (quite a lot heavier than me too!) old ladies?!
Help. Any witty remarks would be helpful to throw back at them/her when the butt of jokes thing starts would be welcome. I have no mum now to ask for advice! Help! kindest wishes and thanks xx

God I would HATE this. Do you think you could use the "That's quite rude. Did you mean to sound rude?" when they do it?

Otherwise I think I would just say to DH that if it happens one more time then you're not going to attend family meet ups any more. I suspect this is what the other DIL has done....

Or if your MIL is approachable, could you just have a quiet word, and say "I actually find it really hurtful when you make fun of me in front of everyone, and I'd like you to stop now" - because maybe she doesn't realise how hurtful it is, especially if you've seemed to "go along with it" in the past.

Good Luck - I am probably more of a cow than you and would have given them the hairdryer treatment but then I am not always diplomatic...

How awful for you. No wit or advice here but had to pass comment on the good off tray scenario. I do the same, always and think it's a bit chavvy eating off a tray, besides there's not usually enough room to have multiple trays on a table.

When it starts, could you try, with a massive smile on your face and sarcasm dripping from you, saying "Ooh my turn to be the butt of everyones jokes again is it, surely it's someone elses turn today."

How awful

If I were in your position I would issue DH an ultimatum. Stop it (and stick up for you if it keeps on within the family group), or the next visit will be the last. I just could not put myself in that situation. I'm an introvert and so this would leave a severe dent in my self esteem.

I hope it works out because it sounds miserable for you.

Hi, I get a bit of this directly from MIL (no bereavement, she is clearly just insecure in her role as alpha female and feels threatened by me). She takes the mickey out off my home-making skills and likes to pigeon hole me as a "career girl" although I've been a SAHM for the past few years. And I can actually do the things she accuses me of being incompetent at (if that makes sense, please excuse the grammar, it's early).

I hate it. I have to bite my tongue so hard. I have told DH and he says to just go along with it. The digs are quite specific to this one area where she is Queen Bee and I (supposedly) am clueless. I am sorely tempted to prove her wrong, but at the moment have neither the time nor the energy.

I reckon a fair bit of this happens when MILs know their days as alpha female of the family are numbered and they will have to settle quietly into the grandma role and let their daughter or DIL take over. I guess she sees you as the main contender for that role? I do sympathise, it must be tough, plus in your case she has the bereavement to handle too. Although that des not excuse rudeness.

I don't have any advice, but I know how you feel and it's not nice. YANBU.

Poor you, that sounds horrible. Good advice above, if you want want to deal with it yourself some variation on smiling sweetly and "did you mean to be so rude" is the way to go, if not take the "your mother, your problem but I'm not going near her until you sort it" tack.

I hate anyone who can only feel good at the expense of someone else.

a regular poster ( i don't know the name) has a stock answer for these situations, and i think it would work for you. every time (absolutely every time) this happens, say to your mother in law 'that's very rude. did you mean to be so rude?'
challenge every put-down, not by denying the content (' i'm not forgetful') but by addressing the true fault - her rudeness. and if she gets mean, try 'that's cruel. did you mean to be so cruel'?

her behaviour, supported by the rest of the family, is undermining your self-confidence. remember, nothing she says really impacts on who you are.

and you could follow the example of the family member who doesn't go there very often.

She is definitely threatened by you. That's usually why people are nasty like this. It's not funny to mock the things people do in this way.

I had a friend like this at university. I said to her I didn't like it and she stopped.

I suspect the only way is to say you don't like this kind of mocking you and it actually spoils your visits.

Op I'm really shocked that your Dh would continue to do this after you've asked him not to. I completely sympathise, it must be so wearing. When we first started dating my Dh had form for this. I found it so embarrassing in front of my family and his. V early on i told him that imho couples should present a united front and stick up for each other. Not try to make each other look stupid in public. I told him that he can't like me very much if that's how he behaves. Husbands should tell the world how wonderful their wife is not demean her for cheap laughs. Anyway Dh stopped and its one of our rules which has saved a lot of hurt. I agree with the posters who advised issuing an ultimatum. If I were you I would grab my handbag and leave MIL's house if Dh doesn't stop, its not like he hasn't been warned. Best of luck op, you can do it!

Your problem is your husband. He should not be colluding in this.

How can you respect him?

you really need to tell him that he either stops it, or he sees them alone, because you are not going to be treated like this. And tell him that it is affecting how you feel about him, that he could treat you like this and have his family treat you like this.

What would I do? I would challenge them. directly. Bugger smart replies, you need a cool, calm and authoritative

"Actually, I prefer to take the food off the tray and there is nothing remotely silly or funny about it."

"I don't like it when you pretend that I am stupid in order to laugh at me..."

Don't be part of it. Every time you allow them to laugh at you, you are part of it. If you have to, you say "I am not here for your amusement, I find your attitude insulting, I am not staying here" and you walk out.

Why should you accept this role so that everyone else is happy? Why are you sacrificing your happiness in order to keep people who have no problem treating you with a total lack of courtesy-happy? I don't understand.

You've asked nicely and it's carried on. For you to get your point across you are going to have to provoke an uncomfortable scene and you need to be prepared for that.

I do think if it's your MIL the slightly astonished quizzical face and hint of a smile and saying 'that was very rude, did you mean to be so rude?' recommendation is a good place to start.

Practice saying it lots and lots to yourself, rehearse the scenarios where you wish you'd said it, and then next time the opportunity arises say it. It may ruffle some feathers, but stick to your guns. That or don't go.

If your DH starts any of this crap then a swift knee to the balls each and every time should show some results.

Crucially, get angry - not weepy.

As other posters have said, you need to challenge the rudeness If you don't like it. By going along with it, MIL might not realise it upsets you.

I agree that DH is the problem.
I would tell him that you have explained that you don't like it and that IT HAS TO STOP and that you are not going to take it one more time.
Then the next time he does it you stay very calm and polite ( do not get rude, heated or raise your voice) and look at him as if he is very odd, and say 'you are being very rude,I am not silly and it is perfectly reasonable that I have my own way of doing things, you need to look after yourself and stop worrying about others'.
Reading this through it is the same as Hecate really- no smart replies but 'cool,calm and authorative' as if he is the silly child.

Some great advice here, be direct and challenge head on

Can I ask how long you have been married, kids? How old you are?

I'm so sorry, I know how this feels - my dad does the same with me and as I'm the black sheep of the family, I tend to get the brunt of it all. Unfortunately, telling him he's rude doesn't work - how did my daughter end up with no sense of humour, haven't you got a sense of humour?! (um, no actually, not when you're being so personal!) and, you're just like your Nan, can't take a joke (oh, your Mum who always used to end up in tears after an afternoon visiting us?). I actually tried to turn the tables a few weeks ago by making a joke about his beloved dog.... He threw me out of the house! Unstable? Tick! Trying to make himself look like the big man? Tick! I agree with the other posters that you should try to broach the subject of it being rude as she may listen but I would be prepared for her to be oblivious as to how hurtful it is - remember though, it's her insecurities that are forcing her to make you look smaller... its likely to be a cover up for her feeling intimidated by you! You may need to just add a bit of distance like your SIL.. Good luck!

Actually, if you don't want to make a direct challenge to the rudeness, you could try the patronising approach to make it clear that it's their behaviour that's odd (whether it's what they do or the fact that they still think it's ok to mock one person all the time).

E.g. when they mock the things you do such as taking food off trays , a super-condescending

" Oh , I just LOVE all the funny little quirks that your family have! How sweet!".

or

" I think you're all SO BRAVE to fly in the face of social niceties, and not worry that other people will be laughing at you / other people will disapprove of your manners"

or

"Aww bless- do you still do it like that? How sweet that you are so content to live in the past like that".

All with a kindly, benevolent face and a tinkly laugh.

It will be far more difficult if it is your own parent and they have been doing it for 20/30 years or more. This is far more recent and much easier to stop with the direct, polite, challenge every single time.

I agree with you Kells on the likely response. They aren't going to go "oh, so sorry, we didn't mean to upset you..." You are totally right. They'll attack. The OP will be all kinds of mardy unreasonableness and have ruined a lovely day with her inability to allow herself to be bullied take a 'joke'

But that's fine. It's ok to have that outcome. She'll have stood up and said NO. You will not treat me like this, and that's what matters. Sometimes you have to be ok with a confrontation. Your alternative is to bend over and take it up the arse and a person is worth more than that.

This sounds familiar, my mil and dh can be like this, mocking me for my scattyness, or my lack of homemaking, it really hurts and I told dh. Good thing the live abroad

My mil will say that she is sorry she does. Ot mean t upset me, it's just that I am game for a laugh

Can you do this ?

That's the face I reserve for my MIL when she's making silly comments, she usually gets the message.

That's not an apology that's a variation of "can't you take a joke"

These people are bullies. Plain and simple. It's horrible.

If you get the 'can't you take a joke' etc you just say 'I love a joke, I just find this tedious'. If you get 'I didn't mean to upset you' then you just say 'well you did, don't do it next time'.
Or you simply don't say anything but use TeaOneSugar's face.

Give your DH fair warning that either he sticks up for you the next time it happens, or you will leave the gathering and go home.

Its her DH thats making the jokes not the MIL - so the 'did you mean to be so rude' is not going to work.
You say you've asked him not to, and he promises he will stop, and then he doesn't. It's clear to me that you have to tell him that it WILL stop, one way or another. If it happens even once on the next trip it will be the last.
The problem is when you are the butt of people's jokes, even when you are normally a very confident and good-humoured person, your confidence ends up being eroded. Its like at primary school when someone calls you names - what they're saying isn't important or particularly upsetting, but the position it puts you in.
SIL has managed to keep her distance - I should think you could do this too (at least until everyone gets the message - a couple of years might make a lot of difference).
As both your parents have passed away you owe it to yourself to look after yourself and stand up for yourself. You don't need to do it when the whole family's present - just to your DH.
Best of luck