Butt of jokes to please Mother-In-Law

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Hi - any advice on tackling an awkward Mother-in-law situation please ;)
She's 'nice' but a bit of a matriarch and her (middleaged) kids, including my husband, still kowtow to her...including (his) serving me up as the butt of jokes to entertain and appease her. She/they have always followed this pattern of 'family' set up - it obviously 'keeps her sweet'. One of the group is the butt of the jokes - the clown, the buffer, the fool - an outlet for her sharp, sometimes cruel sense of 'humour'. Her late husband was the butt before me. It was all a bit 'one foot in the grave' /only fools and horses comedy sketch type stuff.

You know the type of thing - 'gentle' (?!) constant ribbing about memory lapses..."ooh, memory loss, well you want to see this one...she puts the Marmite in the fridge and the marg in the cupboard...oooh ha ha...what a silly old sausage ha ha!" and other such acutely funny and hilarious (constant) gentle jibes...Its usually when we visit her and can be combined with tutting and frowning to accompany other 'silly' things I do, like when we visit a cafe for tea and I choose to take the food off the tray and place it nicely on the table instead of eating from the tray on the table, or other such 'wallyish' behaviour...it.it makes me feel totally stupid, feeble, unwanted, clownish and third rate. They all have such a belly snigger at me, their stupid old buffer/blithering idiot (who is actually thought of as a fairly talented, intelligent, attractive and kind person by her friends outside of this setup). This has taken place regularly now every Christmas and all other visits to her. The other daughter in law gets it sometimes, but she is absent from these gatherings a lot more now (I dont know how she managed that!). To make it worse - the mother in law is now 14 months a widow - so 'needs' more cheering up and 'taking her mind off her loss' - hence my 'forgiving' it for the months following the immediate bereavement.

I lost my mother 4 years ago to 10 years of leukaemia and my father 10 years ago to bowel cancer. I have one disabled brother only. I understand bereavement and the need for kindness, but I never generated situations wherein someone was labelled and treated as the clown, simply to distract me from my sorrows. I have a very good sense of humour - but it never involves singling anyone out for re-designing their 'role' in a social set up.

To make it worse - the visits will step up now as Christmas will approach. Ive talked to my husband about this - he's promised (again and again) to stop it and is sympathetic - but the minute we are in her house, it starts again. I spend time crying or fuming or texting friends in her bathroom, craving to just get out. Yet, when we go out for a little walk, she reaches for my arm to cling onto (Les Dawson style!!) down the street! I resent this as surely clowns/old fools shouldnt be capable of supporting (quite a lot heavier than me too!) old ladies?!
Help. Any witty remarks would be helpful to throw back at them/her when the butt of jokes thing starts would be welcome. I have no mum now to ask for advice! Help! kindest wishes and thanks xx

I favour "A joke is where everyone is laughing together, not where everyone else is laughing at one person."

I think we can all guess why the SIL stays the hell away, and bloody well done to her!

I think you should show him your opening post and give one last warning, then if you are the butt of jokes again, follow your SiL's example and stay away from family gatherings in future.

Look on the Internet for a wide range of very infectious illnesses you could have.

If I were you I'd tell her directly that it upsets you and hurts your feelings. If that doesn't work then your partner will be forced to be more understanding. You have taken the mature approach and his mother hasn't. Then it will be up to him to intervene. Good luck with it. I know how difficult in law relations can be.

Your MIL is the head of a dysfunctional family unit who use jokes and teasing to cover up their own inherent ills. The person being made fun of is their scapegoat. The person who described them as bullies is correct.

Your DH needs to step up here and not tolerate this for either him or yourself. However, as he has had a lifetime of such conditioning it is very hard to achieve and will not be achieved overnight. He may no be able to entirely free himself of such influences.

SIL did the right thing here by distancing herself from such gatherings; you need to do the same.

Would suggest you read "Toxic Inlaws" written by Susan Forward as this will further explain the dynamics of such disordered family structures.

Look her in the eye and say firmly "That is not funny. What an odd sense of humour you have"

Every time she does it tell her it isn't funny. And look at her like she is rather odd abd you are embarassed for her. Tell you are if you need to.

My ex-MIL sounds like Olympic's - if she saw me reading a book she'd say, almost with pride, 'I haven't read a book for years' - as if somehow I was insulting her by daring to read a book in her house.

I hated being made to feel, even after years of going out with my ex, like an outsider in their house, although in our case it wasn't exactly the teasing you describe, more a sense of condescension and like I was being sneered at all the time.

I remember once we'd gone to visit for the weekend and my ex had decided he and I would cook lunch for a change. MIL clearly hated seeing anyone else take charge in her kitchen - and said to me while i was cooking 'It's so nice to see you feel so at home here' - but in a tone of voice that made clear she meant exactly the opposite.

As far as I was concerned, family is family, and if in-laws can't treat you like a proper member of the family in their house, they are the ones with the problem.

Fil is a bit like that, I sat quietly through it for a few visits, but I am now incredibly rude back to him whenever he does it. I am now known as someone not to be trifled with

He comments on my appetite, I ask when he plans to lose his beer gut. Funnily enough the comments have almost stopped

It's a joke with a jag. That's what my gran called it and it's not funny. I used to have this. Until the day I snapped, stood up, and said "I'm not taking this anymore. I'm leaving. You have a choice. Come with me right now or collect your stuff in black bags. You have 1 minute to make your choice"

And regally swanned out to the car.

Seriously you need to stand up,for themselves. People can only make you feel inferior with your consent. And stop going in future. No is a complete sentence.

Sorry - said to MIL I was leaving, and XH he had one minute to make up his mind. I wasn't very clear. It would have saved me so many more years of shit if he'd stayed behind though. I almost regret that he followed me

Ultimatum to husband on next visit "if you don't stick up for me if your mother ot others in your family start picking on me and trying to bully and scapegoat me and tell them they are being cruel and not funny then thios is the last visit I make to your mother and in future you go alone"
If MIL "starts" and no-one says anything say "you aren't telling a joke you are picking on me, if you don't stop this then i won't visit again because i hate it and it makes me feel bullied and unwelcome"
You don't have to mix with nasty people. you don't have to go everywhere with your husband.

Well, if I was very annoyed and wanted it stopped for good I would seriously WARN DH that if it happens again you will walk out and the next time they make a snidey dig you pick up your coat and bag and walk out (remember to keep car keys handy or know the bus times) without looking back leaving them gawping. Then DH has the job of explaining what is the matter. It will take them a while to find out that you actually have walked out and that you aren't coming back and, hopefully, cause DH and them a good bit of discomfort.

Then the ball is in their court and they will have to grovel seriously to get you back (you can leave it a few months) but knowing how you will react it is unlikely that any sniping will happen again..... and if it does you walk out, possibly NOT coming back in the future.

That way you have dealt with mil and embarrassed DH which is what he deserves.

I would also watch mil's act of turning to you for support - she prob has many years of 'loneliness' and deteriorating health ahead of her, being a selfish cow I would leave her DSs to provide that care and not take it on as the 'favoured' dil. you have been warned

Next time she does it laugh inappropriately loudly and tell her to remember you're the one who gets to pick her nursing home. And it's looking like it won't be too long...

I agree with everyone here who has said that you should speak up and answer back.

I have had the very same problem on occassion with both my FIL and my MIL. Its been on and off for 15 years. I cast politeness aside quite early on and used the killer line "That joke is wearing a bit thin now don't you think?"

In regards to other wearing remarks that are not jokes but put me down in some way, just question them back about why they are focusing in on a certain issue.

Difficult to expalin but my FIL would question me about my DB who has SN. He would ask questions that were inappropiate focusing it all up on my DB limitations. I answered back one day and said "Why do you keep asking me questions to which you know the answer will be no?"

A recent one with my MIL went like this.

MIL: "Look at my new kindle"
Me "Oh its super"
MIL "If you press this it looks up a word in the dictonary"
Me "How great, I need that. I often need to look a word up"
MIL, snearing "What? I never need to look up a word" tut tut, laughing.
Me "Gosh, what sorts of books are you reading that you never need to look up a word?"

It does cause upset in the moment but you have to answer back and question people about what they are saying if they don't seem to be respecting you.

Agree, no smart replies, or you're still just joining in with the game. Is it just dh and mil, or do other daily members say anything?##I hate confrontations, so in your position, I would just refuse to go the next few times. Then I would go again on condition dh stopped and also stuck up for you, if he didn't I wouldn't go again for a long long time. Easiest way, then the only person you're dealing with is dh, who has already acknowledged your problem, so seems like an easy and stress free way of solving it.

i would also be prepared to leave mid way through btw, not sitting there steaming the whole day and having a go when you get back.

You absolutely don't have to put up with this. Tell your DH that you not going to be spoken to or about like this, and tell him that you will not put up like this. Then next visit give them one go at it with a response of 'that sounded so rude, did you mean that' or similar excellent responses up thread, and then if theres a next occurance 'I will not be spoken to like that' and walk out. No drama, no huffyness, just firm and dignified.
Its like teaching small children about appropriate behaviour - calm, consistent, firm.

Am not sure. Honestly, the way this bunch sounds, if you say something like "I won't be spoken to like that" I can just imagine them all saying "ooooh" in a chorus and laughing at her 'storming off'. I really think it would just add to their ammunition, and make them think she is being ridiculous, esp if she's never said anything before.

i really think going through dh is the way to go - he needs to not join in, he needs to stick up for her, she needs to be cool and calm, but I think just walking out without a drama and then not going for a while would be more effective.

Am v. lucky all my inlays are v. v. lovely people :)

I experienced this from FIL. One example among many (every time I saw him) - on being asked where my father came from and being told .......shire, FIL then mimed spitting on the floor. Growing tired of it one day I said that that it was inappropriate but that the worst element of his derogatory comments and so-called humour was that they were very, very boring. I particularly emphasised the last point

The balloon went up and there was quite a row - MIL leaped to his defence (and in your case it might be your DH leaping to his mother's defence) and said that it was all only banter. It stopped, though, pronto.

I'm also the butt of my family's jokes. When I got upset I would be told I had no sense of humor and that I'd ruined everything. I have now cut all contact with them after telling my mother enough was enough and until she could treat me how she wants to be treated I want nothing to do with her.

However I've found myself doing the same thing to other people as my built in defence mechanism which I'm trying to change.

I'd be seriously tempted when this next happens to look her straight in the eye and say "do you hate me for marrying your son?" Then sit back and watch the performance.

A slightly less confrontational version would be "yes, fancy your son being so stupid as to marry me, he really could have done better...how tiring it must be for you pointing out all my inadequacies every time we visit"

She is a bully, my gran did this to my mother. 30 years of watching her putting others down to herslef feel good makes me loathe such behaviour in all its forms and I have zero tolerance for it.

Your DH has been trained to support his mother no matter what, he needs to think about that one.

This is difficult for you OP. I come from a family/social pub type set up where 'banter' like this is totally normal. It took me till i was about 32 to realise others didn't do it, or like it.

It is hard to break the habit especially if it is ingrained in the whole family. I did it to my exH thinking it was being flirty and funny, and it wasn't till we broke up i realised how awful it was and how he was suffering and never said anything. I also realised what i must have seemed like to others - the total opposite of my intention.

I started down the same track with DP and was really embarrassed and upset when he or others just looked sad and said 'that's not very nice' or 'why are you putting me down?' It was a massive wake up call, because it never occurred to me anyone would take it seriously or personally. Being the youngest in a very narcissistic family i realised i had normalised being the butt of the jokes (because actually i am the brightest, nicest funniest etc and the others couldn't cope).

I also realised how much i colluded in that set up. Setting up stories and jokes where me being a fool was the punch line. It had made everyone feel happy and order was restored in the dynamic.

Now i have stopped and am just nice and supportive, but my family find me odd. They keep saying things which are cruel 'funny' about me (which incidentally they all do more than me - but when they do it there is a valid reason and when i do it, well, that's because i'm clearly stupid) and i say 'that's not true' and they do get defensive, but i don't back down despite the 'no sense of humour' comments.

They have occasionally tried to take the piss out of DP to me and i have reacted very quickly which they also find hard to deal with (as they were 'only joking'). But if they did it to his face he would be very angry so i have tried to nip it in the bud.

It is all very 'pack animal' and there to establish a pecking order. I do also think it has its place, and can be funny in certain situations - ie bawdy pub banter, certain comedians. But when it becomes the norm and 1 person is always the butt, then sadly it becomes bullying.

I think OP, you will need to just look very flatly back at them and say 'that's not funny etc' and also you will need to get your husband on side so they can't divide and rule. Or just say you are not going till they are nice to you.

From personal experience i wouldn't say it is always conscious in families/group dynamics, and can spiral as the path of least resistance. So on a brighter note i doubt they genuinely believe what they are saying and probably love you very much. They just need re-educating. Good luck.

Apologies for epic post! :)

My FIL will make 'jokes' or inappropriate comments, I will just not react to them, if he then pushes the point and says it was a joke I just tell him that I only laugh at jokes which are actually funny. Fortunately dh backs me up though, and then FIL just looks odd. SIL is only seen at Christmas and Easter, but they live much closer so easier for BIL to just pop in. Also considering the comments FIL made to me when he mistook my back for hers about what a good father his ds would make and when were they going to have children, I don't blame her for staying away. He got a piece of my mind that time, they have beeen married for 4yrs, are nearly 40 and just doesn't seem to be happening for them, they don't talk about it but pretty sure it isn't their choice.

I think unless you have dh support then make it clear to him that you will be busy in the lead up to Christmas, so he will need to be going on his own more. Do you have contact with SIL? Could you both agree to go together or not go so that you have each other's support.

Is there any way you could find an ally in your SIL? It sounds as though she would back you up if you make a stand against her. If both sons share the same problem it will help them to accept the truth about her and avoid destroying what could be a positive future for you as extended family. Remember you children are cousins and it would be a shame for you to lose contact.

The only way to deal with this is to confront it each time but not with "don't speak to me like that" etc because as someone said up thread that won't be taken seriously, you will then just be taken the piss out of for THAT in a "oooh what's up with her?" kind of way.

Eg the marmite/margarine thing. You response should be a cold, firm "I don't do anything of the sort, what on earth are you talking about?" be confrontational. Don't keep quiet for politeness sake. Confront each dig head on.

My ex inlaws were a bit like this. I would have been everyone's whipping boy if I had allowed it. I got a reputation of being humourless and hard work but I honestly didn't care.

God I used to get this from my in laws, it all ended in an almighty row when my (obese) FIL2b reduced me to tears when he suggested that I - a well covered size 18 - got my wedding dress from a marquee hire company. Delightful.

As a result they didn't come to our wedding and I haven't been welcome in their home for over 5 years. It's been bliss!

No advice really, as you can see I didn't handle it very well.