Butt of jokes to please Mother-In-Law

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Hi - any advice on tackling an awkward Mother-in-law situation please ;)
She's 'nice' but a bit of a matriarch and her (middleaged) kids, including my husband, still kowtow to her...including (his) serving me up as the butt of jokes to entertain and appease her. She/they have always followed this pattern of 'family' set up - it obviously 'keeps her sweet'. One of the group is the butt of the jokes - the clown, the buffer, the fool - an outlet for her sharp, sometimes cruel sense of 'humour'. Her late husband was the butt before me. It was all a bit 'one foot in the grave' /only fools and horses comedy sketch type stuff.

You know the type of thing - 'gentle' (?!) constant ribbing about memory lapses..."ooh, memory loss, well you want to see this one...she puts the Marmite in the fridge and the marg in the cupboard...oooh ha ha...what a silly old sausage ha ha!" and other such acutely funny and hilarious (constant) gentle jibes...Its usually when we visit her and can be combined with tutting and frowning to accompany other 'silly' things I do, like when we visit a cafe for tea and I choose to take the food off the tray and place it nicely on the table instead of eating from the tray on the table, or other such 'wallyish' behaviour...it.it makes me feel totally stupid, feeble, unwanted, clownish and third rate. They all have such a belly snigger at me, their stupid old buffer/blithering idiot (who is actually thought of as a fairly talented, intelligent, attractive and kind person by her friends outside of this setup). This has taken place regularly now every Christmas and all other visits to her. The other daughter in law gets it sometimes, but she is absent from these gatherings a lot more now (I dont know how she managed that!). To make it worse - the mother in law is now 14 months a widow - so 'needs' more cheering up and 'taking her mind off her loss' - hence my 'forgiving' it for the months following the immediate bereavement.

I lost my mother 4 years ago to 10 years of leukaemia and my father 10 years ago to bowel cancer. I have one disabled brother only. I understand bereavement and the need for kindness, but I never generated situations wherein someone was labelled and treated as the clown, simply to distract me from my sorrows. I have a very good sense of humour - but it never involves singling anyone out for re-designing their 'role' in a social set up.

To make it worse - the visits will step up now as Christmas will approach. Ive talked to my husband about this - he's promised (again and again) to stop it and is sympathetic - but the minute we are in her house, it starts again. I spend time crying or fuming or texting friends in her bathroom, craving to just get out. Yet, when we go out for a little walk, she reaches for my arm to cling onto (Les Dawson style!!) down the street! I resent this as surely clowns/old fools shouldnt be capable of supporting (quite a lot heavier than me too!) old ladies?!
Help. Any witty remarks would be helpful to throw back at them/her when the butt of jokes thing starts would be welcome. I have no mum now to ask for advice! Help! kindest wishes and thanks xx

Interesting to hear that there are so many families like this. I think it is about one generation maintaining power over the next. That can't bear the fact that they are getting old and we are all moving on. This happened in my family but without the nasty bullying, just the control thing. Now two of my brothers have died and cousins and uncles aunts are not there for my dcs. Don't wait until it's too late for these important relationships to build up between sibs of the next generation.

My fil has made a few sexist remarks in the past along the lines of women belong in the kitchen or only boys/men know about and are interested in football.

I didn't calculate my response, I just spoke with true and immediate indignation - that is a sexist load of rubbish, and please don't speak like that in front of my dc, I don't want them learning that sort of nonsense.

I think over thinking it leads to worrying about it which leads to making it harder to tackle. But you def need dh on board.

OP; From all these responses, what is your gut feeling wrt how you wish to go forward on this?

In our family, we had a cousin who had a nickname he's had since school, everybody called him by it....myself included, and we never thought anything of it despite it being a bit mean (like calling a short person 'shrimpy' or something).

One day, after calling him by this name, he just said "Im not going by 'shrimpy' anymore, please call me Bob, as its my name". He repeated this same line everytime someone called him by his old name, and kept it up for as long as it took for the whole family to get the hint. He was always polite, but never let it slide: not once. I always admired him for that. You dont have to put up with something just because its the 'norm'.

FIL used to take the mickey out of me. The last time it happened he told my dc that they had nothing for dinner because I'd eaten everything. I went mad, shouted at him that I wasn't there for him to take the mickey out of and to find someone else and walked out. Dp finally backed me up when he realised how much it had upset me.

Since then, he's been nothing but pleasant and we have a much better relationship.

Please don't sit back and take it, stand up and confront it.

OP, I read your post and instantly started mentally checking off a list of people I know/have worked with who do this. My MIL has also displayed this trait.
And I must admit my DH also inherited it to a much lesser extent and in the early days if he made a "jokey" dig in front of my family they just stared blankly and I would say "What are you on about?" in a puzzled voice.
Swift learning curve he had there. . He doesn't do it now.
But I know loads of people who do this - I just follow the rule of staring blankly.
Otherwise they do say things like "it's only a joke" if you challenge them
And Hecate's quote about a joke only being a joke if everyone laughs is spot on.

Actually I think that a puzzled stare and 'what are you on about' might work well-as it is her DH she could follow it up with 'can you explain-I don't understand what you are talking about?' He will find it very difficult to explain, if he is forced to go beyond the one-liner.

I do think there are families that have that dynamic of "Get in there first with your insult/jibe before anyone turns it on you" - and I hate hearing parents taking the mickey out of children under the guise of "humour".
Fabulous way to build self-confidence

Right, so it isn't the MIL herself who makes the comments, but your DH and his siblings who serve them up to her for her amusement?

One last conversation with your husband about this. Make it clear that this will be the last time you will attend family gatherings if it happens again.

As you ring the doorbell, REMIND him very clearly that he has promised not to do it, and tell him that if he breaks that promise you will make sure that he regrets it.

You could treat the first comment with "That was rude. Did you mean to be rude to me?", or you could skip straight to turning to the MIL and saying - "you do know that they do this for you, don't you? They seem to think that the only thing you can find funny is if somebody is the butt of their 'humour'. Laughing at people. How did this come about?"

To the inevitable retorts that you've got no sense of humour, fix the retorter with a stare and explain in a patient voice that humour has to be funny to be humour. To "well I found it funny" use a patient tone to explain that they were laughing at someone, and actually what they were experiencing was relief that they weren't the one being laughed at.

Then leave. DOn't ask H if he is coming, just go.

Yes it is very confrontational, because it pulls in her and not just the person making the 'joke', and yes your name will be mud. But do you care what they think, after putting up with all this for so long?

OP this is awful, I really feel bad for you. Spouses who respect eachother don't use eachother as the butt of jokes and don't allow the people around them to either.

Sadly agree with the people saying that witty comebacks will no doubt be met with "ooo-er, don't get your knicker in a twist, can't you take a joke?"-type responses.

I would get advice from your SIL as she's obviously found a way out. I would also go with the suggestion above that you have another talk with your DH and tell him that either he treats you with respect and makes his family do the same or the next visit will be the last. You do not have to take this kind of behaviour.

op, I've used the ' thats very rude! did you mean to sound that rude!' line to great effect!

works even better if you can manage to hold a shocked face! then when you get the inevitable ' it was only a joke' response, I went with 'oh, you just sounded rude'. then finished it off with ' you should be careful who you speak to like that, people will think your horrible'
then drink your tea and move on!
my problem ( from a sil)was then over!

Yes, you have a DH problem, make it clear to him you won't put up with it, tell him you will bawl him out in front of everyone/create a scene/walk out and refuse to ever return if he does it again or allows others to do it. It's not ok to humilate you just to cheer up his mother.

You need to mean it, if he does it again, I'd start with saying "did you forget our discussion about not trying to humilate me in order to get a cheap laugh for everyone else?" if he says "just a joke" reply with, "I made myself clear, apologise or I'm leaving." stand your ground and mean it. It will cause a scene, it will humilate your DH, but trust me, it won't happen again.

horrible for you to be in this position

as others have said its the perfect time to use the line "thats very rude did you mean it to be" desperately waiting for the opportunity to say this

really like sleepsforwimps responses

My relationship with Step-MIL is vaguely similar, I'm not directly the butt of jokes, but she does take opportunities for a sneaky dig (spoken in a 'jokey' manner, when a comment isn't even necessary) eg. During a discussion about our cars, I casually mention I need mine serviced. She snarks jokes "Ha well that's the kind of thing you do when you have a car, Error." It's the tone that bugs me.

YANBU but perhaps are feeling especially sensitive as the attention shift has turned to you. Were you offended on your late FIL's behalf when he was the 'butt', or did he laugh it off and seem fine? I'm not trying to invalidate your feelings OP, but I do notice that each family has their own distinctive sense of humour which has developed over years that perhaps you don't 'get'. Some families like fart jokes and take the mick out of each other, others are pranksters, others are 'anecdoters' etc. I'm not saying you should have to put up with comments if they hurt your feelings though, it's just difficult to address because the rest of the family don't seem to see a problem.

I personally would have a jokey retort for the MIL and test her reaction, but you don't seem like the type to engage, so I would suggest shrugging it off as much as possible in their presence, and having a rant to your friends. If you have the courage to bring it up with MIL, she might not have even realised you were upset. My feeling is that if she's reaching to link arms with you and feels comfortable enough to share her sense of humour with you, then she actually rates you quite highly and sees you as one of them. If you think about it, the last 'butt' was her late husband, someone she was obviously really close to.

Re: trays... I only eat off a tray if it's in McDonalds, as they're usually cleaner than the actual tables!

Hope you can find some common ground, as neither you or MIL sound like unreasonable people, just different

Oh just to add, I read your post properly again and noticed your DH was fuelling it... definitely needs a talking to. Why can't one of her own kids be the butt, or no-one at all? MIL sounds like she needs something completely different to take her mind off her grief - family won't always be readily available.

' you should be careful who you speak to like that, people will think your horrible' - I really like this!
Good one Sleep!

Stop going. Just say, calmly "I am no longer prepared to be insulted and belittled all the time. I shall stay at home, you do as you please DH" and repeat as necessary. Just think, to never be in the same room as the old bat her again No matter what your husband says, just say "yes, well after X years, I've had enough dear. I'm a grown up, and I don't have to go anywhere I don't feel wanted and welcomed" and stay home. Life is way way too short to take shit like this, especially when it's out of habit on behalf of your husband and inlaws. Your husband has shown that he won't/can't break the cycle, so let him get on with it. Stay home and have a long soak in the bath, read a good book, pamper yourself, burp, fart, watch Oprah and eat bon bons but enjoy doing it. Let them sit and snipe at each other without you.

If it's getting to you and it is then time to put a stop to it. But easier said than done. Either make a stand and say look if this carries on then I'm afraid I am going to stop visiting. As I'm really not happy about this constant teasing. Or else stop visiting first and say you will only visit if the silly stuff stops.

I don't think it's going to work just to banter back it's just too tiring. If you only see them once or twice a year fair enough put up with it. But on a regular basis it's not acceptable.

I agree with the suggestions that you bring this to a head.

You may need to do a bit of planning. Warn your DH that you will not be putting up with this any more and that you will be judging him if he decides not to stick up for you.

The next time you find that you are being the butt of an unfunny joke you point this out with ?that was rude/hurtful/unpleasant, did you mean it to be?? If it happens again, repeat. After the third ?joke?, you turn to your DH and say ?Well I think that is enough for this duty visit, I am going home now, are you coming??

If he wants to come then result!

If he prevaricates and starts to waffle (feet back under mummy?s table) then say ?Okay, I?ll see you at home?.

Then make your preparations and go.

This last step is where your planning comes in. You need to approach your next visit ready to make your own way home. Depending on how far she lives from you have the number for a suitable taxi firm in your phone, take note of suitable trains. Whatever is necessary.

This behaviour by MiL and facilitated by others including your DH is probably a mixture of exerting dominance and habit. They all have to understand that you don?t have to be there. That you can leave whenever you want.

This may well be the wakeup call your DH needs.

If your DH starts up with the pisstaking when you're there, turn to him and clearly and calmly say, "Dh, why are you doing this? You agreed that you were going to stop belittling me for your mother's amusement". If he is then upset and humiliated, ask him how he likes a taste of his own medicine. It should make them all STFU and make him see things from your side.

I come from a family where we all rip the piss out of each other mercilessly, BUT we are also very soppy, complimentary and caring to each other, and chat about serious and personal issues too AND, most importantly of all, we don't do it to family friends or new members of the family until they indicate they want to be part of it (ie making their own wisecrack first). And if someone says that a certain joke or name, etc., upsets them, then we apologise and drop it forever.

BTW, I wanted to say that I thought Spuddybean's post at 09.08 was very brave but also insightful.

It is hard enough to admit faults to oneself but to admit them to others takes courage.

you know, since your MIL will do things like take your arm to walk down the road, i'd use that time to say quietly to her 'you know, i really hate it when they tease me like that. it's really not nice and makes me sad'. and 'i know it's how the family are but i'm used to it and dh doesn't do it except when he's here'..
do that first.
then give dh a warning.
then next time he does it in front of mil you can say something cutting in response and mil will know why you're saying it and won't be surprised and think you're mad.

Actually, if my DH was willing to 'serve me up as the butt of jokes to entertain and appease her,' he would very soon learn that his status as DH was in serious danger of becoming XH. It is bad enough that he is not standing up for you in front of his bullying family, but the fact that he is actually instigating their treatment of you, IMO, is unforgiveable.

If this happened to me, I would be doing as someone suggested upthread: leaving and telling him to collect his belongings from the front lawn where they would be waiting for him in bin bags.

I am hormonal, but this is bullying and it makes me want to cry. Some great advice here. Get angry.

"fuck off" simple and effective.. hth :)