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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to be friend's plus one at wedding of mutual friend who didn't invite me?

34 replies

Margerykemp · 26/07/2012 00:18

'friend' A is getting married soon. I've known her on and off for 25 years. Got friendlier c.5 years ago and went out for dinner together every once in a while. Also went to same parties etc and chatted. For some reason in last year and a half she has gone cold. Stopped texting. Didn't invite me to significant birthday. No invite to hen night or upcoming wedding. (but maybe got vibes that I don't think much of her fiancé but have never said anything to her face)

Now mutual friend B, who I am much closer to has had her date for the wedding cancel and wants me to go.

I'd feel quite weird about it. But friend b is insistent that she has no one else to ask.

OP posts:
Teeb · 26/07/2012 00:21

It does sound as if friend A cooled the friendship for a reason, which would imply her not wanting you to be at the wedding, especially if she gets the vibe that you aren't actually supportive of it and pleased for the couple.

I don't think I would go, so yanbu.

GetOrfMoiiLand · 26/07/2012 00:22

No, I wouldn't go either, it would be strange.

If friend has nobody else to ask surely it is best that she goes on her own.

I think it would look like a passive aggressive statement to your friend who is getting married if you did go.

cerealqueen · 26/07/2012 00:23

I wouldn't want to go, if it were me - can't your friend go on her own, it's not social suicide to attend a wedding on your own, I've done it a few times?!

Why should you feel awkward (because you will) just because she doesn't want to? She is being insensitive too.

sawseesaw · 26/07/2012 00:27

No, don't go! You'll feel so awkward. Friend B needs to sort something else out.

cocolepew · 26/07/2012 00:29

No, that would just be so uncomfortable.

GetOrfMoiiLand · 26/07/2012 00:34

Yes, your friend is putting you in a very awkward position, it is not fair of her.

CaliforniaLeaving · 26/07/2012 01:38

I wouldn't go.
My oldest Ds was left off the wedding invites when his friend (a girl) since about age 8 got married, he socialized with both her and her soon to be Dh along with all the friends (they all got invites) another friend (girl) wanted him to be her +1 and he said no, they don't me there for a reason. Good job he didn't go, turns out the groom had a real chip on his shoulder about him (convinced himself that Ds was in love with his new wife) and the groom's sister had the hots for Ds and he wasn't interested making the groom like him even less.
So there is usually a reason even if it's all in their imagination. It's their special day let them get on with it.

Thumbwitch · 26/07/2012 01:45

YANBU - I wouldn't go under those circumstances either.

This does remind me of a school thing years ago - everyone in my class (14yo girls) was invited to a party except me. This was vile, and one group, the popular sporty group (I was friends with only a couple of them) were so disgusted that they made me go along with them to the party anyway. I was sooo uncomfortable! At least to start with, and then it was ok - but I had the support of a lot of people there, not just one. If it had been just one, I definitely wouldn't have gone to that either.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 26/07/2012 02:30

It's like that episode of Friends where Ross took Monica to their cousin's wedding. The cousin did not invite on purpose as she, Monica, had had sex with him before. Or sth like that. Awkward, YANBU.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 26/07/2012 02:32

Minica had had sex with the groom previously, not her brother as my previous post implies.

Did you? Grin

solidgoldbrass · 26/07/2012 02:40

If you weren't invited, then she doesn't want you to be there. It would be rude and pushy to go. OK, maybe she is being a bit rude in dropping you as a friend, but if people want to end a friendship, the only thing to do is accept it and move on.

elinorbellowed · 26/07/2012 07:11

When my former university boyfriend got engaged I was invited to the party. Took along a very nice gift, chatted cordially to his fiancée, all went well. Until a drunk friend gatecrashed my conversation with the fiancée's best friend to declare that ex 'had been crazy about me' and I had 'broken his heart'. Not true and I hastily told the best friend so, but this drunk friend wouldn't shut up.
I was not invited to the wedding, but am secretly relieved because there was no alcohol and the happy couple never spoke to me again.

ElephantsCanRemember · 26/07/2012 07:18

YANBU You shouldn't go. For whatever reason your friend has decided not to invite you. If you went, IMO it would be akin to you gatecrashing. Your friend should woman up, there is nothing wrong with attending a wedding on your own and saying you won't be bringing anyone.

Liketochat1 · 26/07/2012 08:00

I wouldn't go.

OlaRapaceFru · 26/07/2012 08:56

It sounds as though you've accepted that your friendship has cooled to the extent that you haven't been invited to the wedding. It's friend B who doesn't seem to understand that as you weren't invited in the first place, it would be totally wrong of her to insist that you go as her +1.

Original poster
Margerykemp · 26/07/2012 09:16

It did remind me of the friends episode-drink.

I'll tell friend b (again) that I can't go. She won't go alone (has social anxiety) so I hope she finds someone else and doesn't blame me if she now doesn't go. (but she did say recently that she wasn't too fussed anyway).

Thanks for all your help.

OP posts:
OlaRapaceFru · 26/07/2012 09:28

Could you help friend B find someone (who she already knows) who she could take with her, assuming they haven't already been invited? Or suggest that she meets up, beforehand, with other friends who are going so she's not turning up by herself? Although I realise this might not help when it comes to the sit-down meal where she might be placed on a table of strangers.

ENormaSnob · 26/07/2012 09:59

So, have you shagged the groom?

This is what we all want to know Grin

pinkdelight · 26/07/2012 10:04

I dunno, I might go against the grain here. It doesn't sound like you were very close friends. Going out for dinner sometimes doesn't necessarily equal an invite to the wedding. And I'm guessing she's become more distant recently because of her relationship taking centrestage, leading up to the wedding and all that. She could be very pleased to see you at the wedding, whilst not having thought of you in terms of the 'invite' list of friends. I guess it depends on how big the wedding is. If she's invited everyone and their dog, then yes, she's purposefully left you out and you shouldn't go. But if it's a bit more select, then there's nothing to feel awkward about. Only you know how close you really were and whether it's likely there is some hidden motive.

lunamoon · 26/07/2012 10:05

Don't go.

eurochick · 26/07/2012 10:08

I wouldn't go either in those circumstances.

Mrsjay · 26/07/2012 10:08

No don't go I think she has cooled the friendship for a reason and it might be awkward if you went, I wouldn't go

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 26/07/2012 10:12

I know what you mean, pinkdelight. A friend got married and due to huge families couldn't invite many friends. If they'd made space for plus ones I think she would have actually been quite pleased if I'd brought one of our other friends who she maybe hadn't seen as much of lately, but still liked.

plutocrap · 26/07/2012 11:43

Let the B&G decide what to do with the free place.

LynetteScavo · 26/07/2012 11:44

YANBU. I wouldn't go.

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