to sometimes wonder what the point of being in one monogamous relationship forever is...

[Emlys]

if you don't have children?

I think the nature of love changes quite a bit as you age. I don't feel the same towards DH as I did 10 years ago and I expect I will feel differently in 10 and 20 years time.
I loved him then and I love him now, but I would say my love is more profound now than it was then. I learnt a lot about him in those 12 years I've known him, I see him more clearly. I uncovered hidden treasures I didn't expect, and I stumbled upon deep seated fragilities invisible to the naked eye. That makes him even more precious to me, to discover him as we go along. And that can only come with time and intimacy.
I just hope to carry on like this for the rest of our lives together.

Thank you for all the lovely stories and advice, it has shown me I'm overthinking and being insecure and should just discuss the feelings with DH.

Agatha: I did have one that lasted about two years. Very nice man and all that (and I am still friends with him and his now-DW). It just isn't for me.

It;s not that I have a problem with people who are happy practising longterm heteromonogamy - people should live how they like. The problem is this insistent social pressure on everyone to participate in what is an artificial social construct designed by men to benefit men, pretty much at women's expense. Because of the way it was designed and the reasons for such a design, it often (yeah yeah blah blah, your h is different...) doesn't work. Particularly for women. It doesn't suit a lot of men, either, though usually for different reasons.

solidgoldbrass I'm curious now - what effects do you think the way traditional monogamy was designed have on relationships today? I can totally see your point about women originally having been seen as property, baby machines etc, but I don't see how this 'design' affects relationships now? Obviously a lot of people have trouble with one partner not pulling their weight in some way, but that's down to twattishness, not tradition.

(Please excuse my rubbish English.)

I'm in much the same position as you OP, after dithering for years, we've decided not to have DCs.

Fortunately, (stealth boast alert) we have the resources to have a fabulous life and spend our time travelling the world having adventures together. It is these shared experiences that are the glue that binds us and keeps us interested in each other. We always have some plan or project on the go, sometimes separately, sometimes together. None of this would be possible if we had DCs.

Personally, I feel enormously grateful to my feminist forbears who have made it possible for me to have the choice of having DCs or not - it was only a generation ago that childfree women were considered odd, or pitied.

I'm looking forward to the opportunities I have ahead of me, I'd like to do another degree, continue the voluntary work I do etc. I can share all this with my DH, as he can with me.

In answer to your question about your DH getting bored of you, I think this is a lot more likely (but by no means a given) if you do have DCs than if you don't. No DCs means you can fill your life with interesting things to plan/do/discuss together - if you do have DCs, it becomes much harder to be interesting to each other and, IME, so many couples fail to take on board LaQ's point that you only have DCs for a short period of time, so concentrating on your couple relationship is of utmost importance.

LaQueen that made me think of gomez & morticia!

My aunt and uncle have been married for 60 years, no kids! They do sometimes fight (though less now that they've run out of some of the energy) but they seems to be friends in addition to lovers. that may be the key, being good friends.

Given the frequent problems we see on the relationship board, and that one survey suggested that 25% of men and 23% of women have had sexual relationships outside of their supposed "long term monogamy", I suspect a large section of the population are "heteromonogamous" (even if it is in name only) because that is the default that is expected by society, rather than because it is what makes them happy.

There will always be people (LeQueen being an example) who are naturally monogamous and there will also be the other end of the scale (SGB) who are not. The rest of us are probably somewhere in the middle of the scale.

I am incredibly happy with DH and would have been happy even if IVF hadn't worked, he is who I have chosen to grow old with and he is my best friend. It doesn't stop either of us drooling occasionally when an attractive person passes by, it's a part of us that both of us accept and we are happy that way.

From the Addams family, if you've not seen the films they are very into one another!

Your question as originally put was quite offensive, but you've explained what you mean.

I'm married, and have been for fifteen years. We knew before we married that there was a strong chance of no DC. We went through unsuccessful fertility treatment and then I had cervical cancer so that meant a hysterectomy.

I love, respect and admire my DH. He can make me weep with laughter, challenge my thinking, smells gorgeous, cooks beautifully, and is my very best friend in the whole wide world. I actually like him a lot as well as loving him, and I particularly like the fact that he still surprises me - that I don't know precisely what he will think about an issue.

As a couple, we are both big 7 Habits people. We don't always get it right, but we try very hard to prioritise what is important to us, to understand our shared values and how that works in practice. We discuss things LOTS - we try hard to see the other's perspective and we think about the consequences of our plans and how they fit into our lives.

We share many things that bring joy and richness to our lives. We have special friends, the majority of whom don't have children either. We play a full role in the lives of our families including children and caring for older relations. We both care deeply about animals, have three rescue dogs and do as much voluntary work as we can. I tithe my income to a number of charities. We both enjoy hobbies and share a passion for Wagner.

Having had a very serious illness, I can honestly say I never feared death but I hated the thought of being parted prematurely from the man I love from the bottom of my heart. We value every moment we spend together and enjoy caring for each other. I am proud to be his wife.

Sorry that my OP offended you Scuttlebutter. I was literally asking people to articulate the point of it for me, not trying to imply that there is no point, though I appreciate it's a sensitive subject for some people. Thanks for your POV. I have no idea what 7 habits are but love that you mention how nice your OH smells Tis very important IMO and is one of the first things I noticed about my DH!

7 Habits - see here and here

He wears a L'Occitane one during the day and a Serge Lutens one in the evening when we are going out - gorgeous!!

Emlys: The present day guff about being each other's 'other half' and 'soulmates' and all that basic bullshit is just another way of ensuring that the majority of men get to own a woman for domestic service. Sorry but that is the bottom line of what marriage is supposed to be, which is why it is mostly women who, now they have full personhood and can earn their own money, initiate divorce. It;s why the most common complaint is not 'Waa, my partner might have sex with other people' but women saying 'He won't do anything round the house'.

That might be your personal opinion of monogamous relationships SGB, who knows whether through your own personal experience or via observing poor relationships that friends or family are in. It's not everyone opinion or experience though - happily for some of us.

Love.

As in fondness for the other, to the exclusion of anyone else in the romantic sense. As in being with someone who delights you so much you can't wait to see them again, and enjoy being with them so much you would rather be with them than someone else.

As opposed to viewing a relationship as being mainly for the purposes of reproduction. Or financial support. Or for the sake of neither wanting to be single any more. Or keeping up with the Joneses/because all your friends have got married.

Agatha: I know some very happy monogamous couples. And some happy couples in open relationships. ANd some happy single people. And people who have been happy and unhappy in different types of relationship in the past. And (apart from various arseholes who have done various bad things such as violent crimes, copyright infringement or voting Christian Family Rights party) I wish them well in whatever way of life makes them happy,

What demonstrates very clearly that longterm heteromonogamy is a social construct, predominantly for the benefit of men, is how many people scream their heads off at a basic feminist analysis of the facts of it.

So you think, solidgold, that the reason most men get married is to have someone to do housework for them? That's crazy. And calling it facts doesn't make it any more true. I don't see how you got from the (vomit-worthy) idea of people being each others 'other half' to marriage being designed to enslave women in domestic servitude.

I mean modern day marriage, btw, not pre-20th century marriage.

i have been with my husband 8 years, married for 1.

I love him and i can't imagine my life without him, he is my best friend. When the children grow up we can imagine alot of things.

We had a life before having children, we have a diffrent life atm and i suppose once the DC leave home then we will have a diffrent life again. when DD is 18 i will only be 41 so still young to go and enjoy the world