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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to sometimes wonder what the point of being in one monogamous relationship forever is...

90 replies

Emlys · 24/07/2012 10:35

if you don't have children?

OP posts:
Emlys · 24/07/2012 11:28

anditwasallyellow it's ok, I'm not bored yet. Just trying to picture the future. When you've vaguely assumed you'll end up having children one day, deciding not to takes quite a shift in worldview that will take time to get used to.

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CakeBump · 24/07/2012 11:29

I presume you stay together for the same reason that people with children stay together - because you love each other and can't imagine life without each other.

My parents have a dear friend whose wife died a few weeks ago. They had been married 38 years and never had children. He is so devastated now that he is on his own, and doesn't have any immediate family now she is gone. Sad

I would hate to be in that position.

Emlys · 24/07/2012 11:31

CakeBump that is one of the scariest things about it. All my eggs are in one husband, so to speak! Not that fear of loneliness is a good reason to bring children into the world.

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Ratata · 24/07/2012 11:36

One thing I ask friends who come to me for relationship advice (and ask myself when in relationships) is not whether love the person but do you LIKE them? The responses are interesting. People can often say the love the person they are with but they aren't sure that they like the person. It can help work out what you are feeling. I realised I didn't love OR like one of my exes. Now I'm with someone that I love and like Smile

It sounds like you are unsure whether you want to stay in your relationship. Are you upset that there isn't a future with kids? Are kids important to you?

Emlys · 24/07/2012 11:53

Ratata that's good advice, but I love my DH and I like him more than anyone else I've ever met. I'm not upset about a future without kids, they are not important to me, I am just wondering how to picture a long marriage without them. But people's answers above are definitely clarifying them for me. It's only something I wonder fleetingly anyway - I guess my main fear is that without kids he'll get bored of me. That's really stupid though.

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Ratata · 24/07/2012 12:02

Perhaps you are worrying too much about the future? If you are both happy just now then keep doing what you are doing and you will find that the future takes care of itself Smile If things get stale then take a step back together and see what's going wrong and freshen it up. Take a trip. Go on an adventure. Keep reminding yourselves why you are together and love (and like) each other.

Emlys · 24/07/2012 12:03

Especially considering that if we had DCs we'd have less time together and therefore would be more likely to drift apart and feel bored of each other.

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Emlys · 24/07/2012 12:04

x-post Ratata, and you are totally right, I know. Thank you :)

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LaQueen · 24/07/2012 12:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

anditwasallyellow · 24/07/2012 12:09

I agree with Ratata, if things do get boring you can usually brighten it all up again, and if not, well you can't.

I think to a certain extent you have to just live for the here and now, as nohing is certain. But I think if you have a good relationship then it has a good a chance as any of lasting, and the ones that don't there's always divorce Wink

Emlys · 24/07/2012 12:09

LeQueen, in those first 10 years though, were you planning to have children eventually? Were they something you talked about and expected and pictured?

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Mrsjay · 24/07/2012 12:19

I am where a lot of couples are children grown up growing Up and they really dont need us as much as small children I think if the foundation isnt there then maybe couples cant survive life without children Me i cant wait I love my DDs dearly but looking forward to the future when you can be together as a couple without worrying if child A has to be somehwere at the same time as child B. that sounds a bit harsh and i cant wait for them to move out Confused

nokidshere · 24/07/2012 12:20

DH and I were together for 15 years and were told that we would never have children. We stayed together because we loved each other and had a great life together. When children finally came along it was a huge shock and suprise but we would still be together if they hadn't. Our life is now different but no less fulfilled.

We have now been together for almost 30 years and I can honestly say that I have never imagined it any other way.

JustFabulous · 24/07/2012 12:28

I wanted DH, if kids came along that was a bonus.

Sometimes I wish it was still just DH and I.

cuntflapwankbadger · 24/07/2012 12:58

I don't want kids, DH doesn't want kids and neither of us ever have. We still got married as we love each other and want to spend the rest of our lives together. IMO kids have fuck all to do with that, they are something separate.

Not having kids just makes splitting up that bit easier if it ever were to happen.

Marriage and monogamy to me aren't about procreation, and IMO having kids can cause relationships to break down where otherwise they wouldn't.

LaQueen · 24/07/2012 12:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Krumbum · 24/07/2012 13:02

Why does having kids mean you should be in a monogamous relationship forever?

solidgoldbrass · 24/07/2012 13:09

Well, there isn't realy a point to it. Initially, lifetime monogamy was about ensuring the transfer of land and assets from a man to his sons; women were the machinery used to make this happen. Up until fairly recently (in historical terms, eg a century or two) life was pretty hard for just about everyone, even the wealthier ones, so few people had that much time to ponder their emotional needs. And they died younger, too...

Post-industrial revolution, the point of monogamous relationships was that each man could work long hours for an employer, outside the home, and own a woman to take care of the childrearing and domestic work.

It's the perceived need for every man to own a woman as breeding stock and domestic servant that's behind all the present-day guff about the importance of longterm heteromonogamy: the fact that some people find it enjoyable is really neither here nor there in sociological terms.

So the bottom line is: if you like longterm heteromonogamy and have found someone happy to engage in it with you, good luck and fill your boots. However, if you have other priorities and/or you've tried it and it doesn't work for you, remember it's not compulsory and nor is it the 'best' way to live.

JamieandTheOlympicTorch · 24/07/2012 13:14

I suspect that a lot of the "hard times" come through having children. Also, a lot of the wonderful times. But having children creates pressure which can pull people apart. Without children, maybe that wouldn't happen to some couples.

The flip side, is that if you can get through various difficult stages with children, you know your relationship is strong.

Emlys · 24/07/2012 13:15

It doesn't Krumbum but that's often the plan I believe.

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LaQueen · 24/07/2012 13:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JamieandTheOlympicTorch · 24/07/2012 13:18

I agree LaQueen

I do think that it's important to remember the fact that it will be me and him alone in a few years. Keeping that in mind keeps us talking and not taking each other for granted.

AgathaFusty · 24/07/2012 13:18

SGB - just out of interest, have you ever had a long term, monogamous relationship? One that you were happy in, obviously.

JamieandTheOlympicTorch · 24/07/2012 13:18

Xpost - what arse-licky agreeers we are!

squeakytoy · 24/07/2012 13:22

When I met my husband, he already had 3 teenage children, (he had been divorced quite while), and I have fertility issues, so there was never any expectation when we got married that we would have children of our own.

We got married because we love each other and want to spend the rest of our lives together.

I am adopted myself, and my parents were together over ten years before I came along at 6 weeks old. If they had been unable to adopt though, they would still have stayed together.

When people get married, and take their vows seriously, they are committing to EACH OTHER, and when I read of people who break up because one half of the relationship is unable (not unwilling, as that is a different issue that should be sorted before commitment), to have a child, I find that quite sad in that the person is not good enough for them if they cant give them a child.

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