Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have done a really shitty thing last night.

105 replies

paradisechick · 21/07/2012 11:32

Been married 6 years together 11 got 7 year old and 15 week old baby.

Am 29.

Went to friends house last night in my old home town. Drank a lot of wine between up then hit the pubs. Bumped into a guy I went to school with. We were never an item but had a good friendship and seen him a few times since school. Anyway we had a laugh went out for a cig with him he started with the patter and we kissed.

Just had message of him apologising. We've always had a flirty friendship and I think we just took it too far.

Feel shit. Do I tell dh?

OP posts:
liketochat1 · 21/07/2012 16:24

I wouldn't tell him. But I would make sure I deleted all ties with this man. Then, if it were ever to come out you can explain your mistake and that you immediately broke off all contact.

Deadsouls · 21/07/2012 16:35

paradise - did the kiss mean anything ? If so, then maybe you need to think about it, if not then no need to tell IMHO

Mimiontheshelf · 21/07/2012 16:38

This is a tough one really. If I had a drunken snog and knew it would never get back to DH, I wouldn't tell him and I'd just make sure it didn't happen again. Because a kiss is just a kiss. But if DH did the same, I'd be very, very upset as I do very much consider it cheating.

Not much use, am I? Confused

perceptionreality · 21/07/2012 16:39

I don't think it's a huge deal. You were drunk, that's all - it'a very easy for something like that to happen with a friend when drunk. As long as you don't have any desire to meet up with him again then I think you can forgive yourself and forget about it.

Olympicnmix · 21/07/2012 16:45

No, I wouldn't implode this bombshell into your marriage.

Forget it, move on, focus on dh and your lovely dcs.

Mimiontheshelf · 21/07/2012 16:50

Out of interest, would those of you saying 'it's just a kiss' genuinely not be too bothered if your partners had a drunken snog? I'm just curious really, as I know a couple of my friends don't really class it as cheating either, it's interesting.

ChaoticismyLife · 21/07/2012 17:11

Kissing is cheating in my definition of infidelity and I'm not the jealous type.

There's also a big difference between being drugged and getting drunk, the latter being the choice of the person who gets drunk. Yes, alcohol lowers inhibitions but people choose how much they drink and need to take responsibility for that, not blame the alcohol.

OP, I have to admit I'm torn. Telling him will relieve your guilt but hurt him badly, not telling him is deceitful. Only you can decide which is the right decision for you.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 21/07/2012 17:14

I am shocked at those who don't consider it cheating. Firstly what about the marriage vow which includes "forsaking all others."

Secondly, you have to ask yourself (not referring to op, just those who say that kissing is not cheating) how you would feel if you and dh were out separately on a night out with your own friends, you went in a pub and saw your other half kissing someone else? Are you seriously saying that you would just shrug it off as a bit of fun? And then what, would you announce your presence to your dh and the other woman or stay in another part of the pub so they could carry on where they left off without you cramping their style?

Seriously wierd......

CurlyhairedAssassin · 21/07/2012 17:18

I would never have a drunken snog with another bloke, op. but you have so you have to deal with it. I actually agree with others, if you are mortified, know it was a horrible mistake, know dh would be upset and realise that confessing just might be the start of the end of your marriage then I wouldn't say anything. The guilt and the fear that this could still actually come out years down the line is punishment enough.

OurPlanetNeptune · 21/07/2012 17:26

Don't tell. No point. It may assuage your guilt but your husband may find it difficult to trust you.

I wouldn't say it is just a kiss. Not for me and not in my marriage. I may be odd but even when I was single I could not bring myself to kiss a man unless I really liked him. If my husband had a snog (drunken or otherwise), I would find it a major deal. There would be serious trust issues. I am not insecure, I simply think snogging is a wonderful, sexy, intimate thing. More sexier by the thought we do it with no one else but each other. He feels the same. So to me it would be cheating. In reality probably not a deal breaker but certainly enough to put a dent in the marriage. If I kissed another man my husband would feel as betrayed.

OP you say "We've always had a flirty friendship". Flirting can be fun but clearly there is more to it, so I would seriously look at whether continuing a friendship with this man is prudent. If it would never have happened if you were sober then you need to think about your alcohol consumption.

Original poster
paradisechick · 21/07/2012 17:39

We're pretty liberal and have dabbled in what you would call swinging before. We've talked about how we feel able to distinguish between love and fucking. Not that any of that gives me the green light to cheat.

I think, because of tad things we've done, he'd be less hurt if I'd kissed a stranger. I think the fact I have known this guy for years would hurt him more.

OP posts:
Original poster
paradisechick · 21/07/2012 17:40

Yes my alcohol consumption last night was excessive but the first in almost a year.

OP posts:
HildaOgden · 21/07/2012 17:44

The swinging somehow puts a different slant of things.I'm not sure how,but it does Confused

oshuk · 21/07/2012 17:46

Don't beat yourself up. I've done worse than that, and felt just as bad as you do. You will feel better in a couple of days. Just don't mention it to your DH, better to save his feelings as it was something you wouldn't normally do and truly regret.

LemarchandsBox · 21/07/2012 17:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

phantomnamechanger · 21/07/2012 17:57

Going against the majority here, but I think your OH deserves to know. By tellng him you made a mistake and are sorry, you are saying "it meant nothing" - but IMO by keeping it secret you are saying "this is something I want to keep from you" therefore it appears to mean something

If you dont tell him, you run the risk of him finding out later on - what would happen if he asked you if it were true, would you carry on lying or fess up? how hurt would he be 5 years on compared to now?

HAve been on the receiving end of finding out about something I would rather had not happened, but admire Dh for fessing up and being absolutely mortified and repentant about it - him lying or saying "it meant nothing" would have destroyed our marriage, we are stronger because of his honesty

littlemissbroody26 · 21/07/2012 17:58

You asked if it had happened to other people, I have had a drunken snog before whilst in a relationship and so have lots of my female friends. It wasn't something I was proud of, but I didn't see it as a big issue, it didn't change the way I felt about DP, It wouldn't have happened without alcohol, I didn't tell him and psychologiacally put the experience in a little box and put it at the back of my mind.

I wouldnt say cutting yourself of from the snog guy is a good idea as it could look odd, just carry on as usual, as he is still a bit of a player it probably isn't something he is going to think about much(no comment on you, just that if he has lots of ladies to think about hopefully he wont be dwelling on it.)

Enjoy your DP being nice to you, think about all the lovely things you have done for him, I personally think if the worse that has happened in a long term relationship after 3 kids is a little drunken snog then you are doing really well! maybe get a take away and cuddle up on the sofa and enjoy his company (your DP) :)

Softlysoftly · 21/07/2012 18:00

A more liberal relationship does make a difference, I actually believe live and sex can be seperate but DH firmly doesn't so I wouldn't do it out of respect for him.

Its more difficult as I see your point he would be hurting the liklehood of feelings and past with the man because if he is quite open I would say definitely tell him.

phantomnamechanger · 21/07/2012 18:00

oh, have just seen about the swinging etc

that does throw a different light on it, don't understand how all that fits in with marriage vows etc and the whole idea is a massive no-no to me, so cannot comment on your situation

how would you feel if the tables were turned?

Softlysoftly · 21/07/2012 18:04

Jesus bf and typing laying down + sleep deprivation made that last paragraph make no sense.

Totally agree with phantomnamechanger btw, have you never watched a bad soap? Where you are shouting at the telly "just tell him!" while they dig themselves further into the mire over something that could have been nothing?

HildaOgden · 21/07/2012 18:10

I actually think the fact you are swingers would make him more pissed off....isn't the golden rule of swinging that both partners have the other ones approval/permission before they venture off with anyone?

holyfishnets · 21/07/2012 18:14

Think about how bad you feel and how it has highlighted how deeply you love DH. Yes it was a bad thing to happen and maybe it has scared you a little about what you could lose. If you plan never to do such a thing again, then yes don't tell. Forgive yourself and make your relationship with DH as great as it can be.

Text the guy. Apologise too and say you are so upset about it and would never want to do anything to jepodise your relationship with DH.

holyfishnets · 21/07/2012 18:15

Agree that is is cheating.

Fourfingerkitkat · 21/07/2012 18:41

NovackNGood...if being physically intimate with another person isn't cheating then I don't know what is ? Obviously it's not as serious as a full blown s**g but still counts as cheating in my book.

OP - If you're honest with yourself you know the only reason you would be telling your DH would be out of guilt and to rid yourself of that feeling. So in fact it would be a pretty selfish act....as another poster said...mouth shut, knickers firmly on...and sodawater and lime on for the next couple of nights out. You know you did wrong, put it behind you and unless you think there's an underlying problem in your marriage that caused your behaviour just focus on your DH and your babies. Take Care x

Fourfingerkitkat · 21/07/2012 18:43

Just saw the swinging info so first part of my reply doesn't apply. Why have I now changed my opinion and think that you should tell him.....