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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed that my mum paid for my sister and 2 nieces to go on holiday?

94 replies

dimplebum · 20/07/2012 22:35

A bit of background info

My sister is a single parent with 2DD, she is probably the closest to my mum out of me and my siblings (2 brothers, sister and me) and often go on holiday together.

Me and DH are really struggling financially because DH has been out of work for 6 months.

My mum childminds for my 2DS s (she's a registered childminder) and I pay her £100 a week for this.

Last week I went to my mums house and paid her £100 I owe her before she went on holiday with my sister. It was my last £100 in my bank and I knew that I would have to last the next 8 days with only the £20 in my purse until pay day. We were discussing her holiday and at this point my niece who was there announced that grandma (my mum) had paid for them to go. I kind of had my suspicions that she had anyway as my sister too is very short of cash. My mum at this point when DN announced this became very embarrassed and changed the subject.

But I was so annoyed that she would think nothing of paying out £2000 to take DS and DNs abroad but take my last £100 off me (she knew it was as I told her this when I gave it to her) . I am also upset for my 2DS s who have never been abroad and would love to go on an aeroplane. It just seems so unfair.

My mum and sister don't see the problem and say I need to get a grip

OP posts:
StellarforStar · 20/07/2012 22:39

YABABU,Dimple, to be fair; if you added the money you saved in childcare over the year, would it not come to roughly the same amount as the holiday?

I can understand why you feel fed up though.

Olympia2012 · 20/07/2012 22:39

I agree with your mum and sister!

Trioofprinces · 20/07/2012 22:40

YANBU - on the face of it it seems very harsh.

I have to ask though, why are you paying her to hold mind when DH is out of work and so could presumably look after dc?

Also, if she is a registered childminder and you really have to use her, can you use child care vouchers to pay her?

Original poster
dimplebum · 20/07/2012 22:41

But my mum childminds for my 2 nieces too for a susidised rate.

OP posts:
Kladdkaka · 20/07/2012 22:42

Is that £100 for full-time for 2 children?

Trioofprinces · 20/07/2012 22:42

Stellar - how do you know she saves money in childcare? I don't know whether she cms full time or the age of the kids?

Surely it's a bit harsh to take OP'slast cash off her when she's paying for the other daughter's family holiday?

DowagersHump · 20/07/2012 22:42

Why are you paying a CM (your mum or otherwise) to look after your children when your husband is unemployed?

Original poster
dimplebum · 20/07/2012 22:44

Trioof - DH is now back in work, he has been for 3weeks now, but we are obviously still struggling financially because of the amount of time he has been off.

OP posts:
ENormaSnob · 20/07/2012 22:44

Yanbu

squeakytoy · 20/07/2012 22:45

Perhaps your sister is going to pay her back.

How often do you borrow off her?

Original poster
dimplebum · 20/07/2012 22:46

I pay £100 a week for DS 1 for 12 hours and DS 2 for 21 hours.

OP posts:
MammaTJ · 20/07/2012 22:46

I actually came here having read the title and though 'YABU, just very jealous person' but having read it all YANBU!! She should share it equally!!!

Original poster
dimplebum · 20/07/2012 22:46

I never borrow off her! I never would unless she offered.

OP posts:
Trioofprinces · 20/07/2012 22:47

Glad he's back in work, that must be a relief for you. I do hope your mum wasn't taking money off you while he was out of work though.

Good luck, I think the situation is hurtful but I doubt you'll do anything to change it or make them understand how you feel. They obviously think it's ok.

Hownoobrooncoo · 20/07/2012 22:47

Is an hard one. I can understand why you are annoyed and hurt, it's easy for this kind of thing in families to cause problems. It seems fair that all family members are treated equal but sometimes some have more need than others. Your mum probably feels you sister has it tough on her own and is trying to help and also obviously enjoys their company. We don't and haven't treated my family and my husband's family the same. We have treated his parents and his sister to some nice and sometimes very expensive holidays. Haven't done the same for mine as they were financially better off.

it might have been nice for your mum to help you out considering you are struggling at the moment but where do you draw the line, as I said it is difficult and not always fair. Maybe you should tell your mum how it makes you feel as it usually isn't really about the money but how you feel differently treated.

olibeansmummy · 20/07/2012 22:48

YANBU is be very upset at that :(

Trioofprinces · 20/07/2012 22:48

That's £3.33ph, my childminder only charges £3.25 so depending on where you are, you' may not be getting that subsidised a rate anyway.

landofsoapandglory · 20/07/2012 22:49

YANBU.

My parents have taken my sister's children on numerous holidays over the years, but they have never so much as taken my DC to MaccyD's. The last time they did it (to my knowledge), last October, I was in hospital having major surgery,and they took my nieces and nephews to Portugal for the week, knowing full well my children would be at home alone a lot. I asked my Mum why she does it and she says she doesn't treat them differently.

In the past my parents have got my nieces and nephews to lie to me about it, but it has always come out in the end.

It's not fair, it grips my shit and, it might seem petty, but I can't bring myself to speak,to my parents at the moment. If they acknowledged what they do, and explained why, maybe I could move on. But they won't, so I can't.

Jinsei · 20/07/2012 22:51

YABU, it's up to her to decide how to spend her money.

Olympia2012 · 20/07/2012 22:51

Your sister is a lone parent, you begrudge the support?

Because that's what it is

And your mum is running her business, how could she balance her books if she didn't take her earnings?

Kladdkaka · 20/07/2012 22:52

Sorry, but I think you're being unreasonable. You pay her less per hour than I pay my dog sitter, and you don't think she should have taken this off you. Her choosing to spend her money on their holiday is a separate matter to your arrangement with her to mind you children.

squeakytoy · 20/07/2012 22:54

I am a bit unsure as to why you continued to use your mum for childcare, costing money, when your husband was not working. 6 months at £100 would have paid for a holiday too.

ENormaSnob · 20/07/2012 22:54

The amount you pay is going rate around here.

Certainly not a subsidised rate.

Tryharder · 20/07/2012 22:55

Yanbu. It's unfair.

kinkyfuckery · 20/07/2012 22:56

You don't know the in's and out's of their relationship.

Each Autumn, me and my two DC go on holiday with my parents. Usually we split the cost 50/50, the holiday cost, the cost of food, all costs whilst we are away, petrol, everything.

What my siblings don't know is that until recently I have bailed my parents out time and time again. I am on benefits, but was regularly paying for my mum's petrol to go to work, buying their weekly shopping when I could. I take my mum out for lunch with my DC each Saturday afternoon, have my parents for Sunday dinner a few times each month, usually buy the food when we go to them for dinner, etc.

So, when it came to booking this years holiday, because they were - at the time - a little more on their feet, my parents paid the holiday cost.

I'm sure if my siblings were to know that they were 'paying for us to go on holiday' they'd take the hump, but like you - they don't know the full in's and out's of our relationship.