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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed that my mum paid for my sister and 2 nieces to go on holiday?

94 replies

dimplebum · 20/07/2012 22:35

A bit of background info

My sister is a single parent with 2DD, she is probably the closest to my mum out of me and my siblings (2 brothers, sister and me) and often go on holiday together.

Me and DH are really struggling financially because DH has been out of work for 6 months.

My mum childminds for my 2DS s (she's a registered childminder) and I pay her £100 a week for this.

Last week I went to my mums house and paid her £100 I owe her before she went on holiday with my sister. It was my last £100 in my bank and I knew that I would have to last the next 8 days with only the £20 in my purse until pay day. We were discussing her holiday and at this point my niece who was there announced that grandma (my mum) had paid for them to go. I kind of had my suspicions that she had anyway as my sister too is very short of cash. My mum at this point when DN announced this became very embarrassed and changed the subject.

But I was so annoyed that she would think nothing of paying out £2000 to take DS and DNs abroad but take my last £100 off me (she knew it was as I told her this when I gave it to her) . I am also upset for my 2DS s who have never been abroad and would love to go on an aeroplane. It just seems so unfair.

My mum and sister don't see the problem and say I need to get a grip

OP posts:

LeanderBear · 20/07/2012 22:56

YANBU but not much you can do about it so best ignore it as much as you can. It's up to your DM how she spends her money. Also you will never know the true facts of who gets what money from who.

Original poster

dimplebum · 20/07/2012 22:57

SQueaky toy - I didn't pay my mum while DH was out of work, he
Looked after them. But he has been back at work for the past 3 weeks so my mum has had them.

OP posts:

plentyofsoap · 20/07/2012 23:01

YANBU. I think that's pretty unfair, but some parents choose to favour one sibling over the other and refuse to accept they do it. Maybe alternative childcare can be considered?

liketochat1 · 20/07/2012 23:05

Yabu. It's up to your mum how she spends her money. And charging you £100 per week childcare for your 2 children sounds reasonable enough.

Original poster

dimplebum · 20/07/2012 23:07

I have thought about alternative childcare, especially as I had some issues e.g Ds2 constantly coming home with a sore bum and also not happy with the amount of time Ds1 is allowed to play on the playstation. But my DS s love going so I wouldn't want to disrupt them.

OP posts:

ENormaSnob · 20/07/2012 23:07

£100 is average for the hours used.

The mum is doing no favours for op, it's a business transaction at the going rate.

Olympia2012 · 20/07/2012 23:08

Why is it unfair?

Op has a DH for help and support and 2 wages coming in? Her mum is helping her....not just financially. A second adult makes any holiday easier

kittythames · 20/07/2012 23:09

YABU about the holiday, it' sup to your Mum how to spend her money.

YANBU about the secrecy / lies - definitely not the way of family harmony

yellowraincoat · 20/07/2012 23:11

I think that's unfair. I don't really get on with my mum, but I know she'd never take money off me for any kind of service and I wouldn't take money from her either.

And then to pay for someone else's holiday as well.

I know it's her money and she can spend it how she wants, but it seems really unfair.

PicklesThePottyMouthedParrot · 20/07/2012 23:12

It is favouring her in a way but even though your dp was out of work now he has work and surely your better off than your sister?

Maybe one day you will be down on your luck more than her and get help too?

I can see why your mum would pay for them as otherwise they might not have the chance to go away.

I can see your point too a bit.

landofsoapandglory · 20/07/2012 23:14

It's unfair because one set of Grandchildren are getting treated completely differently to the other.

My children have really missed out on a relationship with my parents, whilst my sister's DC have been spoilt rotten and taken for meals out, day trips, weekends away, holidays in the UK and abroad. My DC haven't had as much as a MaccyD's.

No matter how hard it is tried to be concealed it comes out, and the children find out and they end up hurt. That is why it is unfair!

AgentZigzag · 20/07/2012 23:14

I agree it's her money and what she does with it is her own business.

But you can't help knowing what she's doing for your sister and it must hurt.

I know lots of people whose parents favour one child over the others and I can never understand it, even if they believe the ones not being favoured are doing OK, they must know how unfair they're being.

How do you get on with your mum and sister? Is your mum telling you to get a grip is a bit of an indicator?

amicissimma · 20/07/2012 23:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

dimplebum · 20/07/2012 23:16

Agent zigzag - yes hopefully things are on the up for us, but when mum booked the holiday, DH was still out of work and we were far worse off financially than my sister. I guess that's what is annoying me.

OP posts:

mercibucket · 20/07/2012 23:17

Yanbu to feel hurt imo
Your mum is charging you the going rate for childcare but charging your sister a subsidised rate, and she is paying for your sister to go on holiday with the kids while you are also struggling financially. I would also feel hurt

mercibucket · 20/07/2012 23:17

PicklesThePottyMouthedParrot · 20/07/2012 23:21

I can see where your coming from dimple.

Might be different but my nephew gets a lot from my family & I know holidays have been paid for I didn't get, but my sister is a single mum and otherwise he wouldn't get a holiday, confess to sometimes getting a mild pang of but I can't begrudge it.

StellarforStar · 20/07/2012 23:23

Trioof it was a guess.

Childcare round my end 8-6 is about £35 all in, so for two it would be £70.

As the OP was paying £100 childcare reduced rate, I guessed that it would be a few days over the week otherwise it wouldn't be worth going to work.

Like I said upthread, I can understand why you're upset, but I agree with Olympia.

Maybe she knows more about your sister that has lead to her taking them away for a bit.

AgentZigzag · 20/07/2012 23:23

Could your mum have been thinking about all the extra costs that are involved in going on holiday?

They usually add up to more than the bloody holiday itself.

If you're trying to get back on track with your mum (if that's what 'yes hopefully things are on the up for us' meant) you could look on the reasons why/how this came about as not an attempt to exclude you or them not wanting to spend time with you?

ronaldmacdonald · 20/07/2012 23:23

I think your sister probably asks and she gets. You don't ask so you don't get. Reading through your comments you sound very proud and needing to be seen to be holding your own,...and you are holding your own :-) To rid yourself of your irritation you might have to ask yourself if you are annoyed that your sister is getting or that you are not asking??.. Personally I have always found it extremely difficult to ask for money, babysitting or any kind of favour from my mother, whereas my other siblings (especially the youngest) are constantly on my mothers case. If you can; "Ask when you need", "don't pay back when you can't afford". It means letting your mother know that you NEED help though,...it's whether you can you do that?? Very difficult for me.....

rhondajean · 20/07/2012 23:27

I kinda think the childminding is a business transaction and shoudlnt really be part of this, so it's a. Case of treating go differently.

Now, my nana has about 20 of us and couldnt treat us all the same! But if you have two children is it really that hard with the gc? Or to at least try not to make such a huge difference?

WildWorld2004 · 20/07/2012 23:29

YANBU. Im a single parent & would never dream of letting my mum pay for my holiday or give me money. But then again my mum treats all her kids & grandkids the same.

I can understand ur mum charging for childminding as thats her job & if she looked after them for free she would be missing out on money as childminders are only allowed so many kids. However she should b charging u & your sis the same rate per hour. She definately favours your sis & that must be so annoying but i dont think theres much u can do to change it other than talk to your mum & sis about it.

Olympia2012 · 20/07/2012 23:33

Yes, it's her business. Having your 2 dc means she has 2 spaces taken. Did you really expect her up tell you to keep her wages? Would you truly feel comfortable with that?

And there are 2 of you earning.... Your DH can contribute to childcare costs too can't he?

allagory · 20/07/2012 23:36

Your Mum isn't being nice to your sister, and not to you. She is just thinking of herself (as is her right) and choosing the holiday companion most suited to her needs. And that's not you because you have a husband. Given the choice between a holiday and a husband, you're probably better off with a husband.

Stardust01 · 20/07/2012 23:38

If I owed my mum £100 and she knew I was hard up through no fault of my own, and would have barely any money to buy food, she would never take it from me.

Think about if your own grown-up child was in this situation. If I knew that taking my 'wages' from my DS would leave him without food money through no fault of his own (like in this situation with being out of work), I wouldn't take them. I'd rather go hungry myself.

So, OP, YANBU.

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