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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed that my mum paid for my sister and 2 nieces to go on holiday?

94 replies

dimplebum · 20/07/2012 22:35

A bit of background info

My sister is a single parent with 2DD, she is probably the closest to my mum out of me and my siblings (2 brothers, sister and me) and often go on holiday together.

Me and DH are really struggling financially because DH has been out of work for 6 months.

My mum childminds for my 2DS s (she's a registered childminder) and I pay her £100 a week for this.

Last week I went to my mums house and paid her £100 I owe her before she went on holiday with my sister. It was my last £100 in my bank and I knew that I would have to last the next 8 days with only the £20 in my purse until pay day. We were discussing her holiday and at this point my niece who was there announced that grandma (my mum) had paid for them to go. I kind of had my suspicions that she had anyway as my sister too is very short of cash. My mum at this point when DN announced this became very embarrassed and changed the subject.

But I was so annoyed that she would think nothing of paying out £2000 to take DS and DNs abroad but take my last £100 off me (she knew it was as I told her this when I gave it to her) . I am also upset for my 2DS s who have never been abroad and would love to go on an aeroplane. It just seems so unfair.

My mum and sister don't see the problem and say I need to get a grip

OP posts:

Olympia2012 · 20/07/2012 23:42

Op has a working DH...

Stardust01 · 20/07/2012 23:44

Her DH was out of work for six months until three weeks ago. So I expect they're still short of cash until his wages start coming through and everything gets back in order with paying their bills.

SaraBellumHertz · 20/07/2012 23:47

I never understand these types of threads: so many posters of the "you're lucky if your parent so much as deigns to acknowledge your child" ilk.

Hell would freeze over before I allowed one of my DCs to survive for a week on £20.

I'm sorry you've had a tough time and that your mother has little interest in making it easier for you.

YANBU

akaemmafrost · 20/07/2012 23:50

I'd be upset too.

akaemmafrost · 20/07/2012 23:52

And I don't actually believe that anyone in this situation wouldn't feel a bit rubbish about it.

Original poster

dimplebum · 20/07/2012 23:55

Thanks for your kind words

OP posts:

GnomeDePlume · 21/07/2012 00:09

YANBU

Your mum is using you as part of her business then using that income to take your sister on holiday.

As others say there isnt a lot you can to do to change this except by finding a new CM (which I actually think would be better in the long run). In the long run look to reduce contact so that your DCs have a normal GP relationship with your DM.

Change the nature of the contact with your DM and you might actually find yourself grateful that you arent beholden in any way to your her.

It's a longer game but IMO the rewards are greater.

Journey · 21/07/2012 00:22

Of course it is unfair. The childminding issue has nothing to do with the holiday. Both the op and her sister use their mum as a childminder so that fact is irrelevant in terms of discounted rates etc.

Your mum isn't treating you equally. It is unfair and the fact that your mum and sister are making out that there is nothing unfair about it would do my head in because it so blatantly is.

Mrsjay · 21/07/2012 00:29

I think your mum is taking the piss and showing favouritism she is taking money from you yet taking other daughters and children on holiday i would be pissed off yanbu

Longdistance · 21/07/2012 00:49

Maybe you should find a different cm. And if your mum complains, tell her to get a grip

Longdistance · 21/07/2012 00:53

Btw, I can understand how giving her your last £100 would be a slap in the face. As you would be funding your ds holiday, seen as your mum has paid for it. It is favouritism. I hate it, it happens to me too, with my db, ever since we were kids :( not nice.

Olympia2012 · 21/07/2012 08:59

Favouritism??

Presumably op and her DH will be able to go on holiday soon.....,op will have her DH with her to help,op sister doesn't have a DH!! It's less about the finances and more about SUPPORT for a lone parent IMO!

Coconutty · 21/07/2012 09:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GhostShip · 21/07/2012 09:07

YANBU.

She takes money from you but pays for your sister a holiday? Not fair.

Mayisout · 21/07/2012 09:11

Allagory is right imo
Someone said
No matter how hard it is tried to be concealed it comes out, and the children find out and they end up hurt. That is why it is unfair!

I don't think children are hurt unless it is rubbed in their faces and if that was happening I would reduce visits to GPs. But if their mother is stressing and upset at the unfairness than they will pick that up. So OP should just let it go.

I don't think a GP replaces a DH at all but I would look for another childminder if she if being sloppy, this wouldn't suit her imo because she will have to up her game a bit for a stranger (from what OP describes, sore bots etc).

CoteDAzur · 21/07/2012 09:15

YANBU. But I would also like to know why your DH can't babysit if he's not been working for the past 6 months.

MrsMangoBiscuit · 21/07/2012 09:29

I'd be a bit peeved too OP. I would also be looking for different childcare. I would not be happy with paying for care that left a baby with a sore bum, and left an older child playing on a PS! It's not like you're saving any money by keeping them at your mum's, and if she's not providing the standard of care you expect, I'd move them elsewhere. You might even find somewhere cheaper.

For those saying it's not about the money, but about supporting the lone parent. Surely support without the financial aspect would be the GM offering to pay for herself to go on holiday with her other daughter to help out, but not to pay for DD and the GC too. Taking money from one daughter, then using it to treat the other is a bit of a slap in the face.

Olympia2012 · 21/07/2012 09:43

Both daughters pay childcare to their mum?

Olympia2012 · 21/07/2012 09:43

But both daughters work so get childcare vouchers too I imagine

Triggles · 21/07/2012 09:45

It's up to your mum how she spends her money. She does childcare for both of you if I understand this correctly, so I don't see where that is an issue.

As far as the holiday is concerned, you mentioned that it's not just "here's money for a holiday" but that she paid for your sister and her children to go WITH her on holiday. I would say that's quite telling. Your mum probably doesn't want to go on holiday alone, so she takes your sister along, which pretty much means the children go too. I imagine she doesn't think you and your DH would want to go on holiday with her, and that she would feel like a third wheel as you are a couple, whereas your sister is single, so is probably good adult company without your mum feeling as if she is intruding on a husband and wife during the trip. I can easily see my mum doing this same thing (as my dad passed away just over a year ago), bringing one of my sisters along - 2 of us are married, 2 of us are single, so I would expect her to ask along one that is single. It's not that complicated, surely?

nokidshere · 21/07/2012 09:48

YANBU

I have 5 sisters - we are all married with children and we are all in work. Some are better off than others obviously.

But mum has caused massive arguments and rifts over the years by treating one set of (4) grandchildren differently to the others. She took them on holidays, bought clothes and expensive pressies and generally treated them better than the others. And still does now they are adults. She gave one of her grandchildren 2k towards her wedding and a week later gave another £50 towards hers.

The sad thing is that she can't see it. She thinks she has treated them all the same over the years. But she is now reaping the rewards of her unreasonable behaviour as she is disabled and spends most of her time alone. The 4 grandchildren that she has treated well live some distance away, and there are 6 who live close to her but refuse to go and see her or take their own children to see her.

Its not about the money is it? Its about being fair and treating all your children with the same consideration.

ENormaSnob · 21/07/2012 10:10

Olimpia, single parents don't always have it harder than those married.

I was financially better off as a single mum.

PicklesThePottyMouthedParrot · 21/07/2012 11:47

Some do and some don't its all down to individual circumstances.

RubyRosie · 21/07/2012 12:00

YANBU, I would be hurt at that too and I think paying for a holiday abroad goes above and beyond supporting a single mother, to me support is being there to help with childcare and possibly necessary expenses when needed such as school shoes/uniforms, the children wouldn't suffer without a holiday abroad. When I was a child we very rarely went abroad and I certainly never felt deprived, it was just life, I was from a two parent family but we weren't well off and I couldn't always have the things other children did if they were expensive, single parents are not always necessarily worse off financially than two parent families where one parent is out of work a lot through no fault of their own.

NUFC69 · 21/07/2012 12:03

Op, you have my sympathies. I don't think your mother is being fair to you. I don't know how she could take the £100 from you knowing that you only had a few pounds to last you several days. I treat my two children equally (and their children). Occasionally we have helped one out, but eventually we help out the other one, so it is swings and roundabouts.

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