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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed that my mum paid for my sister and 2 nieces to go on holiday?

94 replies

dimplebum · 20/07/2012 22:35

A bit of background info

My sister is a single parent with 2DD, she is probably the closest to my mum out of me and my siblings (2 brothers, sister and me) and often go on holiday together.

Me and DH are really struggling financially because DH has been out of work for 6 months.

My mum childminds for my 2DS s (she's a registered childminder) and I pay her £100 a week for this.

Last week I went to my mums house and paid her £100 I owe her before she went on holiday with my sister. It was my last £100 in my bank and I knew that I would have to last the next 8 days with only the £20 in my purse until pay day. We were discussing her holiday and at this point my niece who was there announced that grandma (my mum) had paid for them to go. I kind of had my suspicions that she had anyway as my sister too is very short of cash. My mum at this point when DN announced this became very embarrassed and changed the subject.

But I was so annoyed that she would think nothing of paying out £2000 to take DS and DNs abroad but take my last £100 off me (she knew it was as I told her this when I gave it to her) . I am also upset for my 2DS s who have never been abroad and would love to go on an aeroplane. It just seems so unfair.

My mum and sister don't see the problem and say I need to get a grip

OP posts:
CuriousMama · 21/07/2012 12:10

Sorry but I wouldn't have someone look after my dcs if one came home with a sore bum.

And YANBU she's favouring your sister not nice Sad

AThingInYourLife · 21/07/2012 12:14

Get a new CM and accept that your mother is a bit of a bitch.

You don't have to see her.

hairytale · 21/07/2012 12:19

Yabu. Entirely up to her how she spends her own money.

HoleyGhost · 21/07/2012 12:23

Sore bum would be a dealbreaker for me. 'get a grip ' is contempt

You do realise that she will be favouring your sister's children while childminding?

You need to make other arrangements. My parents favour my DB in a similar way. I've told him it means that he gets to wipe their bottoms in their old age...

Xayide · 21/07/2012 12:41

You've clearly tried talking - so distance yourself and your DC from it is probably only option.

Look at other cm rates and if not possible now - then when financially on an even keel - IME it takes a while after a redundancy - plan to change childcare in future.

Mayisout · 21/07/2012 12:58

I've told him it means that he gets to wipe their bottoms in their old age

Unfortunately they will NEVER want Dearest Child to wipe their bottom, how could they inflict that on favourite, they'll want less favoured, usually, daughter to do that.

Sorry for hijacking.

Xayide · 21/07/2012 13:22

Mayisout is right. My Paternal grandmother couldn't stand my mother and was quite nasty over time and definitely favored her other DC. In old age it was my mother she called for to help her - including with personal intimate care.

HildaOgden · 21/07/2012 13:27

Is it a case of your mother having no holiday at all if she sister didn't go?You say they usually holiday together?

darksecret · 21/07/2012 13:30

I understand what you're saying OP. It's very hurtful and there's no way round it. I can only think that your mum has a long-term idea that you're 'fine' while she has a different long-term view that your sister 'needs help' or is on her own. In a funny way it could be a compliment to your husband because despite his having been unemployed, your mum has confidence in him to look after you in the long term.

Maybe it is just mean of your mum - it's all down to her attitude in my opinion. I think it's more likely that she's responding to deep-seated perceptions of you both and ignoring the injustice of the present situation because of that. And who knows what pressure your sister puts on her?

mummakaz · 21/07/2012 13:34

YANBU

Tanith · 21/07/2012 13:44

Are you claiming tax credits for your childcare? If you are, it's not your £100 to keep and you and your mum could both get into trouble for benefit fraud if you did.

sweetkitty · 21/07/2012 13:48

YANBU I have been subjected to this kind of favouritism all my life. I had enough and due to this and other reasons I have cut my mother out our lives. I still have contact with my brother and SIL, they now have one child, my mother looks after him whilst they work and every Friday night so they can have a break plus if they want to go on holiday, plus buying him loads.

I've kind of made my peace with it, she has 4 other grandchildren including one she has never seen but that's her choice, sometimes having no mother is better than having a nasty abusive one.

Anyway, I think once you are a bit better financially you should look for another childminder. I know it does upsets you but if your mother cannot see she is making differences now she's never going to see it.

Olympia2012 · 21/07/2012 13:48

Yeah. For all those saying she could let her daughter keep the £100,as I said up thread how should she balance her books ( she is self employed and using government money in form of tax credits/childcare vouchers .

diddl · 21/07/2012 13:53

But your mum is going also-so maybe she is paying because she wants them there.

Maybe she doesn´t want to holiday with you & your family.

Surely you don´t think she should just pay for a holiday for you all?

teenagersmother · 21/07/2012 13:59

it looks like there are two seperate issues here.

  1. grandma earns a living from childminding and her daughter(OP) pays for the service provided
  2. grandma chooses to pay for her other daughter and gc to go on holiday.

For all the posters saying grandma shouldn't sharge for the service she provides- rubbish. why should anyone work for free? so you ABU about having to pay for that.She does seem to be charging the going rate though so look elsewhere if you are unhappy about the quality of care provided.

However, I can see that you feel it's unfair for your mum to favour your sister. Ultimately though, your mum can choose what she spends her money on.That doesn't mean it's right but it looks like it's something you just have to learn to deal with. Sorry.

FartyMcTarty · 21/07/2012 14:01

Does your mum pay tax on what you pay her? If not, you're subsidising her.

FartyMcTarty · 21/07/2012 14:03

OP wouldn't be able to claim TCs if her mother isn't registered, would she?

Midgetm · 21/07/2012 14:04

I think you may be being a little bit unreasonable. If your sister regularly goes on holiday with your mum and makes time for her, it is only natural that even when money is tight they will still want to enjoy the time together. You don't say that you have been on holiday with your mum so why would she just offer to pay. I can see why you are a bit miffed about her not offering to lend you some cash if you only had 20 for the week. My parents help my sister out a lot more than they do me, it's always been that way. She was a single mum for a while and I honestly didn't mind. It would have bothered me as a child but not now. I do get that it may have hurt your feelings. Talk to your mum, don't let it become a big deal.

Tanith · 21/07/2012 14:34

The OP says she's a registered childminder.

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