Children at funerals - what do you think?

[Mindyourownbusiness]

I really really cant make my mind up on this one. l was at the funeral of my DGDs other DGM (I'm their paternal one,she was their maternal). They lived in a very rural area, close knit farming community and there seemed to be lots of children there. Maybe in communities like this,farming in particular they are more open about death and the circle of life etc as it is all around them on a daily basis ?? The church service was followed by her burial in the churchyard and my DGDs (aged 8 and 12) saw their DGM lowered into the ground and then threw flowers onto her coffin before walking away.
I thought on balance it was a good thing. They were apparently asked by their DGM if they wanted to attend and the whole procedure was explained to them etc. They were also told that they could choose not to go and meet everybody later or if they did go and decided they wanted to leave at any time they could do so. l was on standby to 'extract' them in this event. All seemed very responsible so far.

But then (& l cant get this image out of my head) my youngest DGD walking away from her DGMs grave and her little face just suddenly crumbled as if she had been holding it in and as it was nearly at an end just cracked.

They both seemed fine outside the churchyard and talking to their cousins ,playing ,laughing etc.

Another reason l ask is this. As l have related about the funeral etc to people they have been openly horrified (about the children being there). One even said she would have taken them both out of there as a funeral is no place for children and she thought it was disgusting ! Another said they would have nightmares about their DGM being buried underground etc etc.

Ignore the critics.
Each family knows their own children best.
I have always taken my children to family funerals, but I wouldn't criticise those who didn't.
I've found that they appreciate being part of the ceremony, that it helps to make it real for them, and that everyone else finds a little light relief at being able to watch and chat to little ones at the wake.

Death is a sad part of life and we can't (and perhaps shouldn't) always protect kids from it.

I grew up with old fashioned Irish Catholic parents and it wasn't uncommon for bodies to be laid out in the lounge for a few days so people could come and pay their respects.

Sorry meant to say that their DGM had been very ill for a while and had arranged her own funeral and the children saw her regularly almost right up to her death and understood that she was dying. She kept up very high spirits throughout especially in the presence of the DGCs right up to the end. An amazing woman btw.

My mum wasn't allowed to go to a funeral as a child and said that what she imagined was far worse than what she would have seen. It also made her feel pushed out. She is a big supporter of children being allowed to go if they want to, as long as they are well supported and briefed.

I went to my DGDads funeral what I was 5/6 I was sobbing but I would have hated it if they hadn't let me go!

I have taken my children to funerals though it has been their choice, MIL and GGP's. I did get a comment off a woman my MIL worked with about it was no place for my DD but she wanted to say goodbye to her nan and I gave her the choice, she was 9. I think 8 and 12 year old's understand enough to behave. I think it helps the children to come to terms with death and is important for them to say goodbye if that's what they want to do.

Children should be at funerals but small children who are old enough to comprehend at the actual burial? I personally wouldn't.

8 and 12 is old enough to be aware of the death and they should be given the option to go and grieve with the family.

I was 13 when my grandad died and my sister 11 and we both went to the funeral, I would have been upset to not be given that option.

I don't think it is attending a funeral that makes people upset. It's the loss of the person. So your DGD dissolving into tears is a normal reaction that would have probably happened anyway, whether she attended or not.

And a funeral is a ritual that allows people to express grief, pay respects, hear nice things about their lived one.

I think funerals are important and should not be taboo for young people / children.

My two attended my aunts funeral when they were little. My 3 yo talked about it occasionally afterwards but not with any fear or sorrow or apprehension.

I think you did the right thing.
It's important that they get to say goodbye.
It's a sad part of life, but one we have to deal with.

I'm sorry for your loss.

I took mine to my DGMs funeral - ds wasn't old enough to understand what was going on but for dd I explained everything in a matter of fact way in advance and she was fine with it. I was glad I took them and would do it again.

I don't even see the problem with babies at funerals tbh

I know if one of my loved ones died and was looking down on us she wouldn't want a member of the family hidden away for convenience

I think they need to be given the choice themselves once they can understand. The thought of what they might imagine is often worse than the actual event. DD (5) just attended a funeral and burial and whilst she cried a lot, as did we all, she had demanded to come and we are all glad she did as I feel it has helped her in her grieving. I would never take a child who was scared or didn't actively want to attend however, and I did ask the mother of the child whose funeral it was if it was OK in advance.

Thank you for your replies. I am with you all l think on balance as l said in OP.
It was a beautiful ceremony and l am convinced in a way that the presence of my two DGDs (the youngest close family relatives) helped the rest of the family enormously as in you have to keep yourself going really dont you when children are present, so imo it helped the family get through it.
As for my little DGDs moment of being overcome, as l said - five minutes later she was laughing chatting playing etc outside. Plus surely she would have been terribly distressed at some points in time about her DGMs passing whether or not it was at the actual funeral. I just think the scene of her in her beautiful yellow dress (dgms request for the girls) and flowers in her hair and her brave struggle to remain composed. God it was just so poignant .
But l agree it is part of life and l think we can protect children too much and they are more resilient than we think. Also surely not knowing what happened to somebody, where they went. or being told they just 'fell asleep' imo could be more damaging/upsetting for a child.

I think it depends depends entirely on on the child, some cope better than others. I know that when my DGF died when I was 12 my parents refused to let me go and it has always made me feel that I didn't say goodbye properly. They hadn't allowed me to visit him in hospital either so I really did feel robbed, and still do I suppose. I'm sure I would have been upset but grief would have manifested itself one way or the other anyway. So I wish I had the choice at least.

I agree about the babe in arms thing though. Really not appropriate. I attended the funeral of my nephew a couple of years ago, he had died at 2 days old unexpectedly. I was horrified to see a couple arrive with their newborn in a pram! I genuinely wanted to ask what the hell they were thinking but didn't want to cause a fuss at such an awful time. They had the good grace to wait outside the chapel during the service but at the end when the wee coffin was moving behind the curtain we heard the baby cry from outside and my DSIL let go the most gut wrenching howl. They were still there when we came out, I could have knocked their heads together tbh!

Well I maybe wouldn't take a newborn to a babies funeral but I see no harm
In taking a baby to a grandparents funeral for example.

It's not disrespectful, it's all saying goodbye as a family IMO

My DDad died last year. DD was only 13 months but DM wanted all the GC there and to be part of it. As an Irish Catholic we had DDad waked in the house for two days so the GC were used to seeing the coffin and DDad in it. All the GC threw flowers into the grave too. The ones old enough were asked and wanted to.

I þhink it's a good thing to have the exposure and know what's going on.

I think it's dependent on the child, my own children didn't attend their grandfathers funeral, but then they didn't want to. However, I went to my grandmothers funeral and wouldn't have had it any other way. I don't think it is appropriate to take children to funerals in general, but for close friends/ family then yes, if they want to go.

Oh, well yes thats obviously a very specific no no but I personally wouldn't feel comfortable taking my newborn to a funeral in general. I'd feel awful having to take ourselves outside if he cried or anything.

My older children are all different in terms of emotional maturity. My eldest I think would have handled a funeral extremely well but my two girls are so very sensitive I'm not so so sure with them. Thankfully they haven't had cause to be at a funeral so far so I haven't had to make that judgement call yet.

DDs 1&2 were 4.5 and 2.5 when their DGM passed. We handled it exactly as the OP's DS & DIL did - talked it through, let them decide, and had their other GPs on hand to step in if they acted up. In fact they behaved extremely well, and their aunties and uncles commented after that it had helped them a lot.

We've since had the passing of their DGF and a younger close relative, and they coped admirably. They felt able to talk to us about death, ask questions, talk about their fears, beliefs, etc.

Perhaps it is partly cultural - Irish funerals by and large are open to all, and we were always brought to funerals - but overall I think it's a personal/family-attitude thing. Some people believe it's a circle of life and have no issue with children attending, others think funerals are no place for children. My parents certainly got comments from a couple of people when they brought my DB to my DGM's funeral 40+yrs ago, but it's how our families do funerals, and it works for us.

I don't think there is a right or wrong answer. I see no harm in taking school aged children to the funeral and in some circumstances its fine to take pre schoolers.

My granmother lost her own mother at the age of three years old. She was very upset up that she was not allowed the funeral of her own mother. I think that people have to accept that its OK to be upset by the death of a loved one.

Prehaps a lot depends on the wishes of the close mourners to the loved one.

"They had the good grace to wait outside the chapel during the service but at the end when the wee coffin was moving behind the curtain we heard the baby cry from outside and my DSIL let go the most gut wrenching howl. They were still there when we came out, I could have knocked their heads together tbh!"

Surely your sil was upset by the death of her baby rather than the presence of another baby. Honestly don't you think you would cry if one of your children was cremated. Losing a baby is a horrific experience and your sil has very right to "DSIL let go the most gut wrenching howl"

misspants although taking a young baby in that circumstance is thoughtless I can't see an issue with taking them to a funeral under normal circumstances as long as the immediate family are happy with that. Ds was 6 months when my grandmother died and him and my nephew (18 months) both attended, they where at the back with family friends.

Apologies x posts with some of you (very slow typist - only 3 replies when l started it{blush] ) and have just repeated what you said in some instances.

Lisaro I think that was possibly the bit (the burial) that l have some doubt with especially as that was the bit that seemed to distress my little DGD the most.
I honestly dont know really if that part is just a little bit 'tmi'. They didnt actually do the 'filling in' (god this is awful terminology sorry) of the grave - just threw flowers on the coffin after the priest had said a few words over her and then family walked away and everyone else then filed past.

But then l suppose you could argue that as the little girl understood that was her DGMs body in the coffin and that coffin was to be buried and would presumably later be taken to visit the grave at times so would know the coffin was then in the ground there so why hide that bit from her ?

But l do know what you mean.

The rest of it though l am now totally convinced is the right thing to do providing as one of you said, the children are willing attendees and are well briefed in what to expect etc.

ReallyTired Why on earth would you assume that I felt my SIL had no no right to howl?! It was relevant only as a description of what an awful awful moment it was for her to suddenly hear a baby cry, certainly not a judgement of her reaction! My god, words fail me that you felt the need to point out that howling was a perfectly understandable thing to do. Christ I would be howling, screaming, beating my chest if i were in her position.

She was, and is, bloody amazing on that day and every one since. How could you be so ridiculous as to interpret my post as you did?! Really!