Children at funerals - what do you think?

[Mindyourownbusiness]

I really really cant make my mind up on this one. l was at the funeral of my DGDs other DGM (I'm their paternal one,she was their maternal). They lived in a very rural area, close knit farming community and there seemed to be lots of children there. Maybe in communities like this,farming in particular they are more open about death and the circle of life etc as it is all around them on a daily basis ?? The church service was followed by her burial in the churchyard and my DGDs (aged 8 and 12) saw their DGM lowered into the ground and then threw flowers onto her coffin before walking away.
I thought on balance it was a good thing. They were apparently asked by their DGM if they wanted to attend and the whole procedure was explained to them etc. They were also told that they could choose not to go and meet everybody later or if they did go and decided they wanted to leave at any time they could do so. l was on standby to 'extract' them in this event. All seemed very responsible so far.

But then (& l cant get this image out of my head) my youngest DGD walking away from her DGMs grave and her little face just suddenly crumbled as if she had been holding it in and as it was nearly at an end just cracked.

They both seemed fine outside the churchyard and talking to their cousins ,playing ,laughing etc.

Another reason l ask is this. As l have related about the funeral etc to people they have been openly horrified (about the children being there). One even said she would have taken them both out of there as a funeral is no place for children and she thought it was disgusting ! Another said they would have nightmares about their DGM being buried underground etc etc.

I think it can only be decided on a case by case basis. DS2 I took to the funeral of a close family member who had been murdered when he was just three months old. He was EBF and the funeral was three hours away from where we live, so I could only go if he went with me. At the wake people thanked me for taking him and he smiled at everyone as he was passed round. DS1 was not taken, being both too old and too young.

Didn't take them to MIL's funeral at 5 and 3 since FIL asked us not too, and as her husband we followed his wishes. Two and a half years later we took them to their uncle's funeral and they were perfectly behaved, even looking after their older grieving cousins. Their cousins (18 and 17) were an example of what can happen if you ban children - they too had not been taken to MIL's funeral, meaning the first funeral they ever attended was their Dad's which they found very traumatic - they had no idea really what happened in a funeral.

I didn't take my DS's to my very young SIL's funeral (other side of the family). She committed suicide, and the emotions flowing were very raw, and too much for children of their age then (9 and 7).

I would add though that both my DC attend church, so are used to joining in a service and behaving. We sometimes have ashes interred in the churchyard after the Sunday morning service, and they often choose to attend if the ashes are those of a member of the congregation they were fond of. There is no compulsion - they only attend if they wish. And they often like to show their respects and are now 11 and 9. So every decision has been made seperately based on their ages and the circumstances.

My dd aged 5 came to her newborn baby sister's funeral and we didn't question that she would - she cried, she asked questions and then she did an impromptu dance at the graveside. A decade later she doesn't remember going but the family remember the dance as the moment we all felt some hope from the devastation.

Also to say friends attended heavily pregnant and with new born babies as they were our friends from ante-natal groups. We were so grateful to them for being willing to come to a funeral that must have been so distressing and scary for them in order to recognise our loss. Crying babies gave us hope, they didn't cause us distress, we are all different.

My boys and their 3 cousins aged 7, 7, 5, 5 & 2 came to their DGM's funeral and the burial. my eldest niece (7) cried buckets but it was her right to express her feelings. The rest blew bubbles over the grave which DGM'S would have loved. None of them wanted to stay away (DN (2) was too young to understand but wouldn't have put up with not being with the others)

I think that, as long as the children want to be there, they have as much right to use the funeral to say goodbye like the rest of us and them expressing their feelings is right and proper if that is what happens naturally. It's always as well for there to be some way of taking them away from proceedings at any point if they change their minds though. We had a 'slightly more distant from the family' friend lined up to do just that but she wasn't needed.

It was the best celebration of a sad occasion we could muster and everyone remembers it with fondness.

I think its a good thing for children to attend a funeral of someone they knew and loved as long as they are treated sensitively.

I think the fear of what might happen at a funeral is worse than what does actually happen. I also think that its good for children to see and be part of a community of people who miss the deceased, can express their feelings of sadness and see that there is something beyond grief too like compassion and support. As well as all the side conversations about ordinary life that end up happening because people haven't seen each other for a while and are catching up that show that life goes on.

I've been to the funerals of grandparents and of a baby sister who was still born as a child/teenager. I don't think I was particuarly young at those times, but my younger sister and brother were there also.

As an adult, I attended the funeral of my gran whilst I was visibly pregnant, and my elder sister brought her baby. I think his presence gave people something to smile about. I certainly was glad to see him there.

If I was attending a funeral of someone less close, I'd probably make the decision of whether or not to bring an older child based on whether the child and deceased knew one another. With a baby or toddler, it would depend how close I was to the person and their family. In the sad event of a baby's funeral, I'd try and speak to the family about their preferences.

This is a very interesting subject and one my brother and I were discussing last week at the funeral of someone in or extended family. We both felt quite strongly, as did my cousin that it was not the place for a child and none of us felt that children should have been there and agreed that we would not have taken ours, aged from 10 down to 4. The 5 and 3 year old grandchildren weren't there although there was a babe in arms which was fine.

It wasn't a particularly sad funeral, the deceased was over 80 and had been ill for a long time but all the same it didn't seem the place for a child. I don't know if it was because it was a Jewish funeral and it isn't really the done thing to bring children, the chapels are standing places only on the grave yard and it is very distressing even for an adult. We all felt that bar mitzvah age, so 13, was probably the right time although I would make an exception for a parent or sibling. We have a week of shiva after a funeral which are prayers in memory of the deceased and are for about half an hour every evening and I would take my children to this instead of the funeral as I think that it is more suitable.

Clearly though, my view is different to the majority.

haystack I am very sorry about the loss of your little girl.
I remember with similar gratitude the parents and children who came to DD's funeral.
The ones that were living with cancer or had recently lost a child to cancer.
I remember thinking how brave it was of them to come and I was more touched by their presence than anyone else's

My aunt passed away last month, also in a very small, close-knit rural village, and while it was sad to see her 2 granddaughters (9 and 7) both crumble at the graveside with grief-the older one literally fell to her knees in sobs when the coffin was lowered to the ground, so very sad :(-I think it was important for them to be there. They're certainly old enough to be exposed to death. And as others have said, it's a normal process of life; no need to shield them.

My 4 yo DS, on the other hand, had no business being there. But that's because he's a bloody nightmare in church has trouble controlling his impulses in public events.

I grew up in a devout Irish Catholic family and can remember going to wakes and funerals from a very, very young age.