Children at funerals - what do you think?

[Mindyourownbusiness]

I really really cant make my mind up on this one. l was at the funeral of my DGDs other DGM (I'm their paternal one,she was their maternal). They lived in a very rural area, close knit farming community and there seemed to be lots of children there. Maybe in communities like this,farming in particular they are more open about death and the circle of life etc as it is all around them on a daily basis ?? The church service was followed by her burial in the churchyard and my DGDs (aged 8 and 12) saw their DGM lowered into the ground and then threw flowers onto her coffin before walking away.
I thought on balance it was a good thing. They were apparently asked by their DGM if they wanted to attend and the whole procedure was explained to them etc. They were also told that they could choose not to go and meet everybody later or if they did go and decided they wanted to leave at any time they could do so. l was on standby to 'extract' them in this event. All seemed very responsible so far.

But then (& l cant get this image out of my head) my youngest DGD walking away from her DGMs grave and her little face just suddenly crumbled as if she had been holding it in and as it was nearly at an end just cracked.

They both seemed fine outside the churchyard and talking to their cousins ,playing ,laughing etc.

Another reason l ask is this. As l have related about the funeral etc to people they have been openly horrified (about the children being there). One even said she would have taken them both out of there as a funeral is no place for children and she thought it was disgusting ! Another said they would have nightmares about their DGM being buried underground etc etc.

When someone a child loves dies, we cannot prevent that child from feeling pain.
We can prevent that child from expressing their pain by avoiding funerals, talking about death and by changing the subject when they ask questions.
But that is about our wish to save ourselves the pain of seeing a child in distress.
The child will still grieve, the will just learn to kep it to themselves.

Really have to go now, got some rl stuff to do urgently but will look again tomorrow.

I wasn't allowed to funerals as a child - even to the funerals of close relatives. The first one I was allowed to was when I was 16. I really resented not being allowed to go to the earlier ones - made me feel like I wasn't important to the person who had died, whereas my older siblings / friends of my age were.

My best friend was allowed by her parents to go to a mutual friend's funeral, and I wasn't. That exclusion, as it seemed to me at the time, still riles me 20 years later.

Sirzy I think it's very much a personal thing depending on the relationship with the person who's funeral it is. Like I say, I haven't been in that position myself, but if it was a GP or other close relative then I probably would take the baby if it meant not missing the funeral. I may try to find someone to mind the little ones first though, purely for myself rather than it being appropriate to take them or not.

I was 7 years old when my older sister died very suddenly and unexpectedly.

It was incredibly traumatic, blew my family and childhood apart. At that age I just couldn't comprehend she'd gone plus I had no closure, no goodbye, I had some very very dark troubling thoughts at that age that followed which haunted me. Plus my mother sank into the deepest darkest depression and could barely function for years.

My parents didn't want me to go to the funeral and only when I was in my early 30's (few years ago) and sought some counseling was I able to let go at last and understand where those thoughts came from. My overactive imagination ran riot when she died, I don't really like discussing what I saw but put it this way, if I'd had a chance to see her and say good bye I am 100% sure I would not have had them and would have dealt with the huge loss in a healthier way.

There is no way you can protect a child from death, a healthy attitude to it and families pulling together in solidarity to look after one another should be what children see.

It depends on the age of the child, and how sensitive the child is. I was taken to a family funeral at the age of 4 and still cannot bear to be in any room with the sort of light thrown by linen blinds with sunlight outside. The service was in a house and I was held by the shoulders by an aunt so I could not leave the room when I wanted to.

I also have a friend whose 7 year old is currently having play therapy due to nightmares following attendance at a funeral.

Its not always a bad thing to crumble and be emotional - at any age. I think having the kids there showed that death is both a normal thing and that its upsetting - both are valid emotional reactions.
At my dad's funeral (ok I was 15 so older but I think the point still applies) I was ok during the service and at the graveside, but I had my meltdown moment at the wake (gosh feeling teary typing this!) and although I was upset, the point is that the emotion needed to be released and I was surrounded by all my loving family to help me feel better once the snivelling and crying stopped...

I think this is very much a cultral issue white british dont seem to like kids at funerals at all
With in black carrbiean/ african coummintys its very much encouraged to take your children along my oh is irish and children are always brought to wakes

Like others have said as long as its nit babes in arms then i cant see the issue death is part of life nothing worng with children seeing people cry or sad espically its with in the correct context

I rember when my nan died going up to the house a viewing the body and i was nit really erfected by the funeral i just ran round with the other children

Ona side note children have a right to say goodby to

What is wrong with babes in arms? My eldest slept through Anglo-Catholic requiem Mass for his great Uncle. Real babes in arms can be the easiest things, and certainly not affected (admittedly if it was someone I was very very close to I'd have no qualms about leaving a babe in arm to be babysat either). My kids have all been to several funerals of family members, at various ages. They would have been taken out if they didn't behave, but the closest to that was a 3 year old asking "Why are people crying" and someone said she found that question quite comforting.

As long as the children want to be there I see no harm in it. Babies and toddlers are different and that is down to how they'd behave (mine would never settle in a situation like this) and who else was attending and also who's funeral it was.

I went to the funeral of a good friend a few years ago who died aged 27. There was loads of small children there (think at least 20 odd under 6- it was a huge funeral). It wasn't the best place for them because the grief and devastation was immense- as the guy had died suddenly in an accident. some DC must have been terrified to see so many grown ups sobbing and not really understanding why. Also the dozen or so pushchairs left by the doors caused chaos when they tried to bring the coffin in and then when people went to leave.

I think only the most unempathetic person, or a sick, twisted person, would ever think it OK to take a baby, to the funeral of another baby. MissPants I'm amazed your DSIL only howled, I've have been very, very tempted, to do serious damage to the twittish parents.

I don't think there is any real right or wrong, it is one that is best dealt with, by & for, each situation.

I didn't go to my maternal grandmother's funeral - I was 10 months old - as my mum couldn't cope with her grief, and a baby. I did go to my maternal granddad's funeral, at 16 yrs. My brother, who was 10, didn't go.

My DS went to my paternal nan & granddad's funerals. He was 9 & 12yrs. My nephew, who was 2 when my nan died, didn't go, but did go to the wake.

My DD1 didn't go to her little sister's funeral. She was 16 months old, and I couldn't do it. Both DH & I were blubbering wrecks, and she didn't need to see the other mourners crying too. She saw us (especially me) crying enough at home. For us it was the right decision. One of my friend's has a DS the same age as DD1, and she didn't bring him. I'm glad, I didn't want any children there.

At my Dad's funeral a few weeks ago, his grandchildren were there, including the young ones. They also went to the chapel of rest to see him and to say goodbye. They loved him too. :(

It was my grandmothers funeral a few weeks ago and both myself and my cousin took our dds (both 15 months). I really didn't want to take her but the funeral was similar to the one in the op so I had no choice. However, I am so glad I took her, they were both fantastically behaved (I really didn't think dd would be!) and afterwards everyone said it was a joy t see them both there.

I think it massively depends on the family and the children and others have no right to judge. I wish I'd been allowed to go to my grandfathers funeral when I was 7 but was deemed too young.

I took ds to my uncles funeral at eight months at my aunts request. He was an angel, not a murmur (awake throughout) and my aunt took great comfort from holding him afterwards. He patted her face so tenderly, it was as if he understood.

Taking a newborn to a newborns funeral is just crassly insensitive and a completely different matter.

My dd was 11 when her dad died and she was at the funeral. I never questioned her right to be there. I hope all my dgc will be at my funeral ( not too soon I hope ) and that it will be not too sombre-I fancy helium balloons,folk songs and poetry :-)

I genuinely cannot understand how anyone could be so crass and insensitive as to bring a newborn to a newborns funeral however everyone is different j was not allowed to my grandads funeral he died when I was 12 and I hated that I felt and still do that I wasn't able to say a proper goodbye.my grandmother died
Recently and I took my 14 and 4 year old I arranged the funeral, they wre the only children but were amazing and made everyone smile afterwards. I had also taken them to see gran when she was in hospital after her stroke ds 4 saw there was nothing to be afraid of and he was soon scrambling all over her making her smile, she died a week later and I know he was the person she really wanted to see she faded fast after our visit. In general j don't think shielding children from illness and death does any good by each to their own every family is different.

I was at my beloved Pops' funereal at 12. I would have been devastated if I hadn't been allowed to go. He died very suddenly and it was the only chance I had to say good-bye.

I have been unsure of this too. Iv only been to less than half a dozen funerals. None of them were close family members of my dd (8). If it was a close family member i think it would be a good idea for her to go & say goodbye but then i dont know if my dd would be able to handle.

But there were hundreds of 14 year olds at my 14 year old DD's funeral.
I don't know if I would be able to deal with a baby at a baby's funeral because fortunately I haven't had to cope with that.

I suppose it depends on the circumstances Nd it obviously not the best time to ask the bereaved parents if they mind. Very difficult to know.

I would imagine it depends on the family and the children.

My Grandfather died last autumn and my two (3.1 & 0.11 at the time) didn't go to the funeral service. I knew everyone would be upset, as was I, and they were too young to understand why. I went on my own with my relatives and DH brought the kids to the wake afterwards. My family is a very close Irish Catholic clan and wakes are always fairly jolly as these things go, more a celebration of a life than anything else. It was completely expected and normal for children to be there and my Nan specifically asked me to bring them. I'm glad that they didn't come to the service though as it was very emotional and I think it would have freaked them out totally.

I wasn't allowed to go to my grandad's funeral at aged 9 and felt pushed out and guilty. My DD's have, unfortunately, been to three funerals. DD was 5 and DS was 8 when we went to my uncle's. My cousin was gobsmacked when I said they would be there but I knew it was the right thing to do. My dear, lovely auntie then died 2 years after and they went to that too.

Last year, my mum died. Both DC's were there when she actually passed away and both crumpled and held me up if you can understand what I mean. There was never any question of them not being at the funeral. They loved their nan and had more right than anyone else to be there. They visited her everyday she was in hospital and the had 'earnt' their place. Children need to be included and spoken to. How can we raise responsible adults when we don't explain life and death.

From our point of view, grieving is an emotional, perfectly normal 'process'. Like other posters, I think more damage could be done by excluding the child from this very important part of it. My DS1, who is now 9, went to Papa's funeral when he was 4 (my DFil). DH was inconsolable, but DS sat with him all the way through. He understood enough at the time and looks back very 'fondly' now. He remembers being part of it all - and treasures that. People and pets have passed away since that time and he always refers back to Papa's funeral and knows it's OK to be sad regarding death and that we will all be here to support him when he feels that way. He has also passed that on to his younger brothers. I would do the same thing again, but we never considered him not being there anyway. It's a family affair, and kids are family - even if they are too young to remember I think them knowing they were there, and part of it - is important. However, I do share the views on the newborns funeral -

I took DS to my dad's funeral, DS was 6 at the time. There was never any question of not taking him and in fact my mum asked if he would be the one to release a white dove at the end of the service. (I said initially that I would ask DS about it; DS considered for a moment and said, 'Will it poo on me?' ). DS had loved his grandad and was sad to lose him and understood that everyone else was sad too. IN fact, when he did the dove release, he had told me beforehand that he wanted to say something, and stood there holding the dove and said 'I loved my grandad very much and he loved me, goodbye grandad'... Not a dry eye in the house etc.

However, since DS was born I have been to a couple of other funerals of friends, and I didn't take him, because he didn't know the people concerned and probably wouldn't have behaved all that well (he was 3 for one of them and 5 for the other) - it wouldn't have meant anything much to him.

So I suppose it's a matter of: how close the child was to the deceased? How does the child feel about the whole business if it was someone close to the child? And is the child of an age where s/he can be quiet and respectful, or not?

I can see how sometimes someone wants very much to go to a funeral but has no childcare, but TBH if the deceased was someone who barely knew the child and the deceased's famiy don't know the child, I can see it being perceived as a bit rude and intrusive.