Children at funerals - what do you think?

[Mindyourownbusiness]

I really really cant make my mind up on this one. l was at the funeral of my DGDs other DGM (I'm their paternal one,she was their maternal). They lived in a very rural area, close knit farming community and there seemed to be lots of children there. Maybe in communities like this,farming in particular they are more open about death and the circle of life etc as it is all around them on a daily basis ?? The church service was followed by her burial in the churchyard and my DGDs (aged 8 and 12) saw their DGM lowered into the ground and then threw flowers onto her coffin before walking away.
I thought on balance it was a good thing. They were apparently asked by their DGM if they wanted to attend and the whole procedure was explained to them etc. They were also told that they could choose not to go and meet everybody later or if they did go and decided they wanted to leave at any time they could do so. l was on standby to 'extract' them in this event. All seemed very responsible so far.

But then (& l cant get this image out of my head) my youngest DGD walking away from her DGMs grave and her little face just suddenly crumbled as if she had been holding it in and as it was nearly at an end just cracked.

They both seemed fine outside the churchyard and talking to their cousins ,playing ,laughing etc.

Another reason l ask is this. As l have related about the funeral etc to people they have been openly horrified (about the children being there). One even said she would have taken them both out of there as a funeral is no place for children and she thought it was disgusting ! Another said they would have nightmares about their DGM being buried underground etc etc.

So almost unanimous then thats gotta be a first on AIBU. So my first instincts were right then really. Just got a bit of a wobble on l suppose by some peoples reactions. Must be a regional thing as people have said.
The funeral was in Wales btw in a very close knit rural community. A lot of you have mentioned the Irish and how they are very open about death and involve children fully etc. I think there are a lot of similiarities between the celtic people be it the Welsh or the Irish. I always think they are very spiritual,earthy people for want of a better word and maybe that had a lot to do with their 'laid back' approach to children being there.
It was by far the most beautiful, moving funeral l have ever been to and sadly l have been to quite a few.

Ah thanks Maryz. It's just that little crumbling face that got me and then those reactions and l was starting to wonder if my DGD is going to have nightmares. But as l have said and others have pointed out - she was going to be very very upset at some point - and still will be for a while, whether or not it was at the funeral. Same for her older sister. They adored their DGM and she was only 60 and a very young 60 until she was ill.

I guess where l live we have more of a 'least said soonest mended' kind of mentality of hiding things away that arent nice to deal with. But it's not healthy to surpress grief or any other emotion for that matter l imagine.

DD was at my uncle's funeral yesterday. She didn't have a clue (2.11) but he would have wanted her there. She was stunningly well behaved and a welcome distraction to my mum. I wouldn't however take her to a similarly aged child's funeral as I think it might add to the distress of the parents.

i think its good if children are involved in funerals, it all depends on the child but i would encourage any of mine to go to the funeral of a friend/relative.

i took my ds2 to my grandmas funeral he was about 7wks old? family were comforted by having him there. i did leave my ds1 with relatives as i wasnt sure he woudl behave and at only just 3 he didnt really know my grandma that well, he had alovely day playing with his other grandparents. but depending on the child i would take them whatever their age.

re babies at the funeral of another baby, i think i would feel uncomfortable doing that, but it would depend i think as mrsdevere said lots of children her dd's age were at her funeral, tho i guess its different as a child gets older as they have friends etc.

i have never been in that situation but if any of my children were to die then my feeling is i would like their freinds to be at their funeral.

and my feeling with babies is that they seem to me to signify hope, new life and innocence and a blessing so to have them at a funeral to me is nice but i could imagine it would be very different if i was burying my own baby? i dont know and i can see it would be very difficult to ask.

My three ds's, 16, 14 and 5, were at their Grannies funeral last month. I had talked through it with ds3 and he was very well behaved. We do things as a family so it would seem wrong to miss him out.

I think children at Weddings and Funerals are part of the cycle of life.

DD1 was at her Grannies age 2.5 (DD2 was a bump). She was too young to understand and having to think about her was a huge help (DMIL died very suddenly and I still miss her 12 years later).

I think she likes the idea that she did say good bye and her colouring all over the order of service would have made Granny

I think the only time I would be carefully is with children between 4 and 8, because they can give the impression of understanding things when perhaps they don't. They tend to link bits of knowledge together in ways that can frighten and upset them.

I think if some one close dies they will do this anyway, but lots of talking and answering rather blunt questions must e expected.

I wouldn't take my children to a funeral. It's so overwhelming. I don't like going to funerals. It changes my memories of the person a bit. I'd rather just think of them alive.
Anyway, I think it may depend on the individual child. A few maybe able to handle it. I went to a funeral when I was young though. It upset me a great deal and when I think of that person it's the first thing I think about.

It's certainly true that you have to expect a lot of blunt questions from primary-age DC when someone dies but on the whole I would still say, if the dead person is someone the DC knew and loved then they should go to the funeral unless the DC are frightened or upset at the prospect of going.

a family friend died last year and as my children knew her they all attended also attending was a 19yo girl (known to me) she was wailing and near on hysterical throughout. it was her first funeral and she distressed herself and others because she hadnt been tought how to deal with it.for want of a better way to put it she made it all about her and given that she only knew the friend in a very minor way i personally found it extreamly disrespectfull towards the family, i do not belive this to be her fault.

death is a fact of life its sad but you cant avoid it,the only way people will be able to deal with it in a healthy way is by knowing about it often that means attending funerals.

a few days ago i attended a wake but not service of someone who was very important to me,i didnt attend the service because i was concerned that people would think it was inconsiderate to attend with a baby (if dc cried ect) im very sad that i didnt attend as during the wake the friends son told me about his dads own words that had been read out (he knew he was about to die) in his own words he had said how happy our friendship had made him and how proud he was to find out my dc had been named after him,i would have loved to have heard that first hand.

his family told me nobody would have minded dc being there and if he had of cried it wouldnt matter.

"stood there holding the dove and said 'I loved my grandad very much and he loved me, goodbye grandad'"

Ohmigod that has just made me have a little weep. Bless him!

I took my DCs (aged 12 and 8) to my father's funeral. They were very close to him and it seemed right.

However, at my uncles funeral there were toddlers and a baby. I can't get my head around that one (especially as they weren't close family and they didn't take them out when they were noisy). They won't get anything 'out of' the experience and can be horribly distracting to the mourners. They would be better taken to the wake at that age.

I've never forgiven my parents for refusing to let me attend my grandad's funeral when I was 10. I never felt I could grieve for him - it never felt real to me.

Good for you, OP.

I took my week old DS to my grandads funeral because i didn't want to leave him for hours lots of people were shocked and said it wasn't a place for a baby but he was a week old he had no idea what was going on and the other option was to leave him for 3-4 hours at only a week.

I think it's a bit disrespectful to have children at the funeral if they are not close relatives or if they are not able to behave respectfully ie not chattering playing or drawing attention to themselves through the service.

Some people might think it's 'disrespectful', others might find it comforting in the case of small children who are grandsons or granddaughters of the deceased. All that 'life goes on and there's a part of him/her living on in the new generation' stuff works for many people. But I do agree that on the whole, taking a toddler to the funeral of someone you were not hugely close to, who the toddler had never met, is probably a bit iffy unless you are very sure that the todler will be quiet/prepared to take the toddler out if s/he starts shouting or leaping around.

I agree with that. My dad's grandchildren were at his funeral a few weeks ago and rightly so. However one of his neighbours came to pay their respects and brought all their kids. The youngest one (12months ish) started crying loudly during the eulogy, and cried and cried and cried. I couldn't hear what my brother was saying and it took all my self control to not stand up and tell them where to go.

I think you have to judge each occasion separately. My DTs were 5 when both my father & my DP's mother died within months of each other. I took them to my father's funeral but not MILs.

My father was nearly 90 when he died from cancer and although the last couple of months were awful he had had a good & happy life. His funeral was a celebration of his life. My SIL's father played St Louis Blues on the clarinet at the crematorium so we all left with a smile on our face & tapping our feet - just as my dad would have wanted.

MIL sadly took her own life after a lifetime of ill health so it was a very sad occasion & I left my DTs with an older cousin who looked after them. I really didn't think it would have been right for them to attend.

Neither of them seem to have been affected by either decision.

I went to my first funeral at age 2. My uncle commited suicide and I was not told that at the time but I was at the crematorium. We were regular churchgoers though and I was taught from being very small not to run, shout etc when it's inappropriate. I was at my dad's memorial service at age 6 (no coffin as he left himself to science). I didn't take DS1 to a couple of funerals that happened when he was 4. He has SN and it would have been stressful. He would not have gained anything. But when he was 6 he did go to the funeral of a family friend. He behaved amazingly and I was really pleased with him. At my mum's church they have the coffin open in church and everyone, all ages, gets to file past to pay their last respects. They cope because they have a belief that death is part of life and something that you have to deal with, sad though it is. It's a very personal thing and the wishes/needs of the deceased's family should be respected.

My sons have been to funerals as babies, toddlers and 5/7 yo. They weren't the only children there and have behaved well but I would have taken them out.(or DH would) if necessary.

I think it's important they see what happens when we pay our respects to a dear relative or friend who has died and we have had many positive discussions afterwards.

I didn't go to the one where a relative of DH's ashes were scattered in woodland but DSs thought it was a lively end for a lovely old man and were very touched. I think it helps them express the sadness they have felt.

That should of course have said a lovely end not lively

My sister died of pneumonia aged 6 weeks. I was just 4 and my brother was 2. We both went to the funeral - I remember it whereas DB doesn't much but we are both still glad to have gone. I know there were difficult questions for my parents but there would have been anyway.

I do think it was a shame that some of the nasty judge pants women at her church criticised mum loudly at the funeral because we were allowed to go.

My brother died 4 years ago and my dad a year ago, I took my children to both funerals. I wasn't allowed to go to a much-loved great uncle's funeral when I was very small (about 4 or 5) and I still remember being distraught at being left with some random neighbour while everyone else went to the funeral.

Interestingly my 7 year old explained very matter of factly to her 5 year old brother this week that grandma wouldn't be around by the time he grew up because she would have died by then. She's been exposed to a lot of bereavement as two of our neighbours have also died in the last three years too however, I hadn't realised quite how much she had taken on board and accepted this fact of life. It was part of a discussion with their grandma about what they would be when they are grown up.

I think it was the right thing to do.