to be shocked by the unpleasant tone of some Mumsnetters?!

[oohdaddypig]

So - I've not been on mumsnet for very long. In the main most posters sound like lovely, supportive women - a bit like my mates but online. Sometimes there are good debates - and disagreements - nothing wrong with that.

But, deep breath, there seems to me to be a minority - but a reasonably sizeable minority - who seem to delight in being thoroughly unpleasant and downright aggressive to others.

I hasten to add this hasn't been directed at me (yet!)

But I read a number of threads - often about seemingly innocuous subjects, sometimes less so, and WHOAH - they turn pear shaped and, IMHO downright nasty or bitchy.

I know exactly what some responses to this will be (I'm thickening my skin in preparation) but is it too much to hope that internet posters adopt basic standards of politeness? Why does it sound like many mumsnetters are spoiling for a fight?

Which to my mind means, at the very least, not typing what you wouldn't be prepared to say to someone's face.

IME any "unpleasantness" usually has a good reason and is particularly shown when the OP phrases things in a confusing way. Sometimes AIBU OPs are simply designed to inflame, or they unwittingly inflame because the MNetter hasn't fully explained.

As everyone else says, it's a mix just like in RL. If we were all syrupy then MN wouldn't be what it is. I would say pick your topics and phrase your OPs carefully.

There are sometimes inequalities on here, where one poster can get away with seemingly outrageous comments and another can't, but that's what you get in RL as well as MN. It's best to report things if you're unhappy with them, but the final thing I'll say is this:

NEVER have I seen so much genuine and heartfelt support for those going through terrible crises, on an online forum. MN always comes through when it's needed.

I always think it is a real shame when people leave because of it. Shame that there seem to be more and more people like that too.

Another thing about post deletions - unless you have personally reported a post, you can't expect it to be deleted, MNHQ aren't psychic.

So if X calls Y a dickhead, and the post is still there 4 hours later, you can't assume it's because X is getting favourable treatment.
Maybe Y hasn't been back to the thread (or thinks the post says more about X than it does them), and other readers on the thread have tutted but not reported.... or they agree with X.

There are occasionally posting inequalities, yeah. l think forums have slight inequalities like that. It often gets put down to nastiness. I think it's rarely down to malice, or even true cliquishness. Much of the time, I think the circumstances go like this:

Step 1: well-known poster gets tiddly, and posts something badly-worded.
Step 2: 2nd poster is disgusted/angered/surprised.
Step 3: 2nd poster sees first poster's name, and thinks, "1st poster has never been bigoted/nasty like that before."
Step 4: 2nd poster re-reads 1st post, and gets what 1st poster was trying to say.

Step 5: no report made.

None of the above process involves hero-worship, being too scared to confront royalty, or anything like that, but it can look like it, at first glance.

Don't go! MN is an amazing resource of support, advice and fun. AIBU is not the beginning and end of this site. I asked for advice on other sites in the past and my posts were left unanswered. Not here.

I have had some amazing support on the relationships board about childhood abuse, and I am talking real life support from people that you know care just by the way they reply to you, and I will take that over people posting 'just because I wanted to say how brave you are' or something like that.

If I am feeling sensitive I avoid posting in AIBU

But most of all I prefer being treated like an adult who can see out an argument and resolve it just as I do in real life rather than having someone delete a post or decide for me that I am being offensive... I am adult enough to reign myself in.

I'd love that list, Maryz, - just to see how many matches there are with my one.

You sound a very sensitive soul, OP

And there are not 'more and more' argumentative posters than were FGS.

I've been on here for 3 or 4 years and it was ever thus - a mix of different people, different views, , a few twats, posters who get riled up every now and then is always going to create a few bunfights.

I love that no-one curbs their language or opinions on Mumsnet - it's the only forum with an abundance of intelligent, funny people so quit your bitchin'.

I wouldnt dare ask to see the list in case I am on it :o

But I am not surprised to see certain names next to ascerbic and unsupportive comments.

unpleasant people on a forum who knew you just need to look past them and not respond some human beings are just unpleasant, how would you deal with somebody unpleasant in the real world

Maryz Do many (or any) of them have a swear word in their name? Most of the losers I've encountered here do....lol

Badgeroncaffine

Could you stop hinting at posters you don't like. It is very childish and frankly weak ass.

And as for 'snarky comment and then fucking lol...'

Paggy make sure that you enter name under Totally Unpleasant Loser

badger person, you ought to stop now, you have riled dear Paggy and that is Not On

TVM

How childish and offensive to call some posters 'losers'...WTF?

I agree with BumpingFuglies - there is a huge amount of sisterly support and goodwill on MN. The Relationships board, though maligned by a scathing few, quite literally save lives with 24 hour support to those in need.

Re the acerbic comments. Most posters don't suffer fools, is all. We're too intelligent doncha know - just read the demographic!

Not On.

Quite.

no yanbu. I'm sure five years ago this place used to be much kinder, much more diverse. Now there is ONE acceptable way of thinking, feeling, doing, reacting...... and make no mistake you'll be hung, drawn and quartered with a pile-in, if you aren't a typical mumsnetter I think. Before somebody snips "shut the door on your way out at me", I don't dislike this place but every board has a different vibe, and this place's downfall (imo) is that such haughtiness and such supercilious is nearly encouraged I think!!

I really think snide, thinly disguised comments across the entire site are worse than strongly-worded posts in one thread, or another.

Refer to my post on page 3!

Pagwatch - Shouldn't that be 'The Bumper Book of Wankers'? There are usually more than can fit in a big book.

ps, also, I try never to direct any insult at a poster, although I'd challenge them. I was on a thread yesterday and the delusion was spectacular!!! I was being insulted by a bunch of women who honestly believed that I had insulted their marriage with a general comment about what wouldn't be for me, and they came back at me with some extraordinary posts.

But the support is amazing too. Have been on some amazing threads about NPD and I have paid it forward too.

So do I bigJessie. The 'you might like to speak to a counsellor' or something. It's so patronising. I'd nearly rather somebody stamps their foot and called me a bitch, it is just funny and at least that poster can't delude themself that they've come out of a trashy argument with some glory!!