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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be shocked by the unpleasant tone of some Mumsnetters?!

150 replies

oohdaddypig · 19/07/2012 22:16

So - I've not been on mumsnet for very long. In the main most posters sound like lovely, supportive women - a bit like my mates but online. Sometimes there are good debates - and disagreements - nothing wrong with that.

But, deep breath, there seems to me to be a minority - but a reasonably sizeable minority - who seem to delight in being thoroughly unpleasant and downright aggressive to others.

I hasten to add this hasn't been directed at me (yet!)

But I read a number of threads - often about seemingly innocuous subjects, sometimes less so, and WHOAH - they turn pear shaped and, IMHO downright nasty or bitchy.

I know exactly what some responses to this will be (I'm thickening my skin in preparation) but is it too much to hope that internet posters adopt basic standards of politeness? Why does it sound like many mumsnetters are spoiling for a fight?

Which to my mind means, at the very least, not typing what you wouldn't be prepared to say to someone's face.

OP posts:
Toughasoldboots · 19/07/2012 23:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

naturalbaby · 19/07/2012 23:21

I like to unleash my inner unpleasantness online because I shouldn't really be doing it in RL. DH gets more than his fair share so I'm just offloading some of his share. Wink

I've never really come across the rudeness and nastiness that I see on MN in RL, but take it all with a pinch of salt while trying to convince myself that people aren't really that rude and nasty in RL (there aren't are there?!).

I was pretty shocked reading the post expressing shock at the rudeness of a lady who bumped/was bumped by a friend in a mobility scooter then reading the outrageously rude and nasty responses.

ilovesooty · 19/07/2012 23:22

I agree with squeakytoy. Women are much bitchier than men.

?Jack. I'll bet you anything you like that half an hour after they have met, they will be calling each other sister.
Algernon. Women only do that when they have called each other a lot of other things first.?
― Oscar Wilde, The Importance of Being Earnest

HoneyDragonWearingLederhosen · 19/07/2012 23:23

Pag, I get the impression from your posts you may have called someone a tedious cunt today. Your being quite subtle about it though Grin

blonderthanred · 19/07/2012 23:29

I think the bitchiness thing is like the 'typical boy' thing, people just see stuff that they believe backs up their theory.

The men I know and have worked with over the years are generally much more likely to bitch and gossip. But I don't think that's true of all men, I just think it's human nature to talk about other people.

Mintyy · 19/07/2012 23:31

Name and shame, op, name and shame.

BrianCoxhasSmellySox · 19/07/2012 23:31

I think you are all tedious cunts

Wink
OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere · 19/07/2012 23:36

I dont disagree with your OP OP
but
its a teeny bit annoying when people say 'why are there so many xxxxx on MN?'

Because MN is HUGE and its fluid. Nice people can say nasty things on a thread and nice things on 10 other threads, people leave all the time, new people join, people are touchy about certain subjects, some posters are not who they say they are, some only join to be mean, others go through rough patches etc etc.

So you cant really say MN is like anything in particular. Its like saying 'why are so many xxxxx in Tescos?'

There are some utter horrors on Netmums btw, they just use other means than swearing to upset people.

tittytittyhanghang · 19/07/2012 23:39

I would also second that i have never encountered rudeness in rl on the same scale as its on mn, so believe it is much worse on mn than rl. I think it has something to do with posting anonymously online gives people the courage(?) to act like fucking nasty arseholes with no real comeback, and i bet my bottom dollar they are nowt like that in rl, or i think they are probably like this guy :)

Fiendishlie · 19/07/2012 23:47

Sometimes, in real life, I get slightly frustrated by some of the beliefs and opinions that are expressed to me. I have to keep my opinions to myself due to work and social mores and conventions.
Then I get to mumsnet and occasionally hear the same stupid views being aired and feel the need to let rip.
Simple really.

HipHopOpotomus · 19/07/2012 23:53

Tired and on iPhone but I agree with mrsDV

lilackaty · 20/07/2012 00:02

I agree OP and naturalbaby I thought that too.
I know that there is a variety of people on here but sometimes responses are so unnecessarily unpleasant it's not nice to read. I guess it's just like abrupt people in real life who don't consider the feelings of others before they speak.

iceandsliceplease · 20/07/2012 00:09

Fiendishlie has it right. When you don't feel able to challenge people in real life, it's quite liberating to feel able to do so on here. We're fairly anonymous on here and the availability of namechanging means that we don't have to always worry that people will track and trace us.

But there are a minority of people on here who are gratuitously rude and offensive and they abuse the namechanging and light touch moderation policy that MN has. So it's up to the rest of us to stick to the rules, behave ourselves and butt the trolls off the bridge by reporting them.

NewNameNiceyNicey · 20/07/2012 00:15

I was horrible the other day

LeanderBear · 20/07/2012 01:19

I find some of the reactions to some OP's dilemmas are often quite extreme and blunt. OP's can barely mention DH's or DP's without being told to leave the bastard. Perhaps lot of MN'ers work as divorce lawyers Smile

I also find posters who are posting something just because its contentious to be a bit Hmm. Threads saying how awful SAHM or Working Mothers are would be a good example.

Maybe it would be good if you could chose to block certain posters.

Otherwise, I think MN is great. It really makes me laugh and it is nice when you see someone getting support or helpful advice.

bogeyface · 20/07/2012 01:36

Well I have variously been accused of being a bitch, been told I am kind and supportive, been flamed rigid on ABIU and had a unanimous YANBU too.

I will be kind and supportive if I can but if someone is being a tedious cunt then I will tell them so as will most other MNers (spesh on AIBU). But......I wont hold a grudge. I will have a blistering row with you on one thread and agree with you on another thread that is happening at the same time. That's something I have noticed and like very much about MN, anyone who does hold a grudge and brings it onto another thread is given very short shrift.

My personal bugbear is diagnosis by internet, so many threads have suggestions that a selfish prick of a husband could have aspergers, or that a pita MIL could have NPD, or that stroppy children should be assessed for ADHD.....it goes on and on. It seems that you cant have a selfish husband, a bitch MIL and kids who play up without there being an "issue"!

bogeyface · 20/07/2012 01:40

Oh and I agree that there are some vile bitches on Netmums. I would far rather be called a vile, vicious bitchfaced cunt by an MNer than deal with the clique-led bullying that happens on there. I used to be a member and have seen happy confident women torn apart on there, and not an F-word in sight.

badgeroncaffeine · 20/07/2012 03:06

Very true, there are a good number of totally unpleasant losers on here. But you have to remember 2 golden rules:

  1. Giving any reaction that suggests you're bothered/annoyed/upset and they win. Ignore it (preferably), or laugh at them and you win
  2. Never respect the words if you don't respect the person. Would you respect those losers?

Anyone noticed how a lot of these people have a swear word in their name? One in particular springs to mind!

lovebunny · 20/07/2012 05:16

there are a number of very nasty people here. but there are nasty people everywhere.

NurseBernard · 20/07/2012 07:01

If you're honestly that bothered by a minority of nasty people on the infinite void that is the internet that you take time out of your day to start a thread telling people to behave, then it really is time to power down your computer/laptop/iPad/phone, step out into the sunshine and reaquaint yourself with the real world.

Mumsnet isn't always pink and fluffy, and thank fuck for that.

In all my time here, I've never been on the receiving end of bitchiness, and in all my various guises I have often been very forthright with my opinions. I'm not saying it doesn't happen (it does, i've seen it) - but, what am I doing wrong?!

Seriously, this is Mumsnet. In the nicest possible way, if you don't like it - if you like people to be nice and predictable and 'your way' all the time - then perhaps Mumsnet isn't for you.

This is a huge and varied place and it's all the better for it. Mumsnet - please don't ever change. :)

exoticfruits · 20/07/2012 07:34

I agree with Pagwatch. If you don't like it then report it. I have only done it twice and they were both removed. I was reported once and it was removed-I was riled and it is like RL. People are supportive if it is something that needs support- threads like AIBU are not needing support, they post because they think they are right and often they are completely in the wrong in which case it is fair enough to tell them so! I can't see the point if we are all sugary sweet and agree that the poster is wonderful!

ariadneoliver · 20/07/2012 07:35

I think this explains it at least in part

FallenCaryatid · 20/07/2012 07:41

'never before have I ever agreed that women can be more bitchy than men - rapidly changing my mind now.

antsypants · 20/07/2012 07:47

I am just going to pop in a tuppence worth here...

You mention the shiny ticker loving forum over the road, it is just as bad if not worst... The amount of passive aggressive posts, group stalking and abusive PM's that fly about that place, it is like bloody heathers.

At least you can tell someone they are a tedious cunt here, and not have to laden it with a smile or thing of long and boring descriptions that hopefully send the message but won't get you banned by the mods.

People are bastards, as soon as you accept it life will make much more sense.

antsypants · 20/07/2012 07:48

^^

Guilty of being both tedious and terrible grammar

Collects coat, puts sunglasses on and heads across to tickerworld