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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to fret about the amount of sexual partner's I have had..?

131 replies

LoveIsTooHard · 19/07/2012 17:47

I have had twelve sexual experiences with men and two with women. I have been celibate for the past three and a half years because I was concerned about the number becoming 'too high'.

Do the old stereotypes about the number of sexual partners, still exist for men and women?

AIBU to worry that the fact I have had fourteen sexual partners and that number is 'too high'?

(I am 38 BTW)

OP posts:
yellowraincoat · 19/07/2012 19:12

Like others have said, if someone judges you on this they're not worth having.

I'm 10 years younger than you and honestly I don't even know how many people I've slept with. It's considerably more than 12 though and I really don't care/feel any worse about myself.

My partner doesn't care either.

Original poster
LoveIsTooHard · 19/07/2012 19:20

Does anybody feel attitudes about this are swayed by social status? One class of peoopel may be more open about this issue than others?

OP posts:
GhostShip · 19/07/2012 19:26

So you were celibate because you didn't want to rack numbers up? Why do I find that hard to believe.

Original poster
LoveIsTooHard · 19/07/2012 19:28

Well that was part of my decision, I felt/feel bad about my choices.

OP posts:
Nagoo · 19/07/2012 19:29

I am sad you feel like this OP :(

If you feel that the men you choose are seeing you as something to use and toss aside, it's not because they have psychic information about your previous partners.

It's about how you are seeing sex and how you are devaluing your self. Your attitude towards yourself will influence other's attitudes towards you.

Nagoo · 19/07/2012 19:30

I can see why a person whould stop having sex at all if they were consistently choosing partners that made sex a negative experience.

KellyElly · 19/07/2012 19:33

That's not a lot of sexual partners for your age.

BigBandwitch · 19/07/2012 19:36

I would calculate it in terms of man per year. I wouldn't be embarrassed telling mumsnetters how many men I've slept with, but I do think men judge. If you're in your late 30s and had a short marriage, then, roughly one a year since you were seventeen doesn't sound promiscuous at all (not to my mind anyway) but I think men would say 20? really? (even if they've slept with the same number).

chandellina · 19/07/2012 19:37

I think it's pretty obvious from this thread that what matters is how you feel about the experiences not the actual number. A couple of my friends had 40 plus but enjoyed just about every minute. I had fewer than that but som

GhostShip · 19/07/2012 19:37

OP I'm 21 and Im not ashamed to admit I've had more sexual partners than you. That might shock some people and I don't blame them, but I started having sex at much too young of an age but I don't regret it! I now have a fantastic sex life with my DP and its never ever come up in conversation. It's not something anyone needs to know, I wouldn't want to know how many he's slept with either. It simply doesn't matter. Really it doesn't.

Concentrate on being a nice person rather than making yourself feel bad about something as natural and fulfilling as sex.

BigBandwitch · 19/07/2012 19:38

ps, I wouldn't feel obliged to tell a new partner what the number is though! to be brutally honest I'd have to sit there and think and tot up, so i don't know myself.

chandellina · 19/07/2012 19:39

Oops. But some of them broke my heart or at least dented it so it wasn't all "worth it. "

Any man worth his salt is going to love YOU not make snap judgements about your past.

MerlotforOne · 19/07/2012 19:41

I've never discussed numbers with DH. We met as a one night stand when I was 21, or at least I went into it looking forward to a one night stand and was staggered to end up falling in love. He had a very traditional upbringing and a couple of months later had a huge go at me for sleeping with him when we first met (yelled at me on a train, would you believe!). I told him to not be such a hypocrite and left him. He realised the error of his ways, grovelled, and we're still together 12 years later. He does have a lot of gender stereotypes that we have to tackle though, he's not genuinely sexist so much as conditioned to have certain ideas that need correcting.....

Original poster
LoveIsTooHard · 19/07/2012 19:44

at how I and some others are conditioned to have certain ideas about love and sex.

OP posts:
TeiTetua · 19/07/2012 19:46

LoveIsTooHard, it sounds as if both of your parents let you down. And we all make mistakes. But, "The best revenge is living well".

It's interesting to skim through the responses and see that very few people regret having as many sexual partners as they did, though some say that they should have been more choosy back in the day (and especially the night). And there are some of us who are wistful that we had so few. I'm with Number 4 and it looks like there won't be a 5. So that's that.

yellowraincoat · 19/07/2012 19:47

OP we've all been conditioned one way or another, I thought sex was the dirtiest, most guilt-inducing thing til I was well into my 20s.

I couldn't care less now, you just need to adjust your mind settings. It is in your power to change it.

geegee888 · 19/07/2012 19:48

I think 12 is quite a good number OP. I'm not into women or alternative experiences so won't comment on that. But 12 men certainly seems neither too few nor too many in 38 years and definatley doesn't indicate sleeping around, but being selective. I've only had 3, and kind of regret now looking back, turning down some good offers, but I was very shy when young. You only live once!

theinets · 19/07/2012 19:49

Ive had hundreds of sexual partners . I love sex!

AKissIsNotAContract · 19/07/2012 19:53

I've had over 50 partners, higher than DFiance's number. He doesn't care in the slightest. Why would he? I tested a lot out so I know I'm marrying the best.

TeiTetua · 19/07/2012 19:54

I don't think it's unreasonable to tell your partner, if you're in a stable relationship, what you did in earlier days. Sharing details about the past is a way to know a person, though it's a giant warning sign if the partner wants to hear an exact number and all the details! But if the number isn't very high, each relationship might be an era in your life (speaking from personal experience here, and my partner's experience too).

Anyway, the story can end with "And if you keep me happy, that's as high as the number goes."

McHappyPants2012 · 19/07/2012 19:58

Forget the number of times you have had sex just for the fun of it, and count the number of times you made love.

I used to think I was so inexperienced dp would leave me, tbh it's only recently I have found out the number of sexual partner my now dh had. I was not interested in his past aslong as I am the future.

Op when you found that someone special you would of safe the best for last

AdoraBell · 19/07/2012 20:03

Asking the Imam to bless the union just so that he could feel better about having sex speaks volumes about him. That type of person, one who uses religion to manipulate a partner while not actually following that religion themselves, is always going to judge. You're well rid, and no, you haven't slept with too many people.

Original poster
LoveIsTooHard · 19/07/2012 20:13

I met a lot of these guys online.I was badly treated - because I let them dothat - and I was badly hurt - hurting myself by not ending things - I really do not want to make the same mistakes again. I am working on my self esteem and I need to find a new therapist as the other one is too old fashioned for me. Perhaps somebody my own ageish this time. MY body is huge as I have comfort ate because of my past issues.I have NEVER revealed what I have here today to anybody in reality. I am actually rather proud of revealing as I feel that is a leap forward in my recovery, I already feel more confident :)

the guys told me - this is the worrying part individually - that I wasn't attractive to them and that tey couldn't feel my vagina insex. They didn't fancy me or take me seriously enough to want a relationshgip with.

this hurt me soo much.

Hence my isolation and feelings of shame.

I'm not ready to date, far from it but i would lobve to just dip my toe back in the water to see what happens but I think I know it will be the same that they do not find my saggy tits and belly a turn on

FFS

OP posts:
Lucyellensmum99 · 19/07/2012 20:18

FFS indeed, they are not worth your angst! Horrible stupid cunts - you are so so much better than they are.

You don't need one night stand with morons, you need to find someone who cares about YOU. In a loving relationship the state of ones foof and titties matters not one jot. And im sure you are just lovely anyway. I can imagine the sort of men you have been involved wiht here, fuck them (not literally) they are not worth it. There is someone out there for you, who will love you for you, then the sex will be great!!

They probably just had really small cocks

McHappyPants2012 · 19/07/2012 20:20

Until you change the way you think about yourself I wouldn't tempt it.

When a man falls in love with you he will love you for who you are.