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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to fret about the amount of sexual partner's I have had..?

131 replies

LoveIsTooHard · 19/07/2012 17:47

I have had twelve sexual experiences with men and two with women. I have been celibate for the past three and a half years because I was concerned about the number becoming 'too high'.

Do the old stereotypes about the number of sexual partners, still exist for men and women?

AIBU to worry that the fact I have had fourteen sexual partners and that number is 'too high'?

(I am 38 BTW)

OP posts:
VivaLeBeaver · 19/07/2012 17:58

You don't have to tell people if you're worried they may judge.

Someone told me when I was younger that nobody lies on their death bed wishing they hadn't had as much sex. I took that advice on board and have had in excess of 60 partners.

I don't regret it. I was young, I was single, I enjoyed sex. I practiced safe sex, didn't feel pressured into any of it and had a good time.

Birdsgottafly · 19/07/2012 17:59

I wouldn't say that, that is a high number, tbh.

Also, any man who holds double standards wouldn't be partner material for me, they would hold gendered views on other subjects, which i couldn't live with.

Life has changed and if you find someone who is open minded and understanding, then whatever is in your past won't matter and nor should it.

squeakytoy · 19/07/2012 17:59

Nobody can judge unless you tell them in the first place. And even if they ask you are under no obligation to answer anyway.

My husband doesnt know how many people I have slept with neither do I come to think of it before I met and married him. I was 32 then. I do not know how many women he slept with either, it doesnt matter to me so long as we are both faithfull to each other during our marriage.

Goldrill · 19/07/2012 17:59

...but do you want the kind of man who would make that judgement?!

SlipperyNipple · 19/07/2012 18:00

You really are a Sensual lettuce! Respect.

Trills · 19/07/2012 18:00

YABU to fret about it - it's in the past so there's nothing you can do about it.

TalHotBlond · 19/07/2012 18:00

If you are 38 then surely you are dealing with men of the world of a similar age who are experienced themselves and wouldn't necessarily want a relationship with a virgin. Anyone who judges you is being small minded so feel free to judge them right back!

Original poster
LoveIsTooHard · 19/07/2012 18:01

My Mother was a virgin before marriage and told me that the only women who sleep around are nothing but slus and no man ever wants them and men can tell if they're 'decent' She was a dinosaur I guess. I still feel guilty because of that. Not helped that my last boyfriend was Muslim and he was very jealous of the fact I had ex boyfriends and would go on and on about them. Being prejudice about culture and women with loose morals. We was not married but we slept together before our fake marriage. I dumped him as he was so prejudice.

Writing this down is helping me. Phew!

OP posts:
Trills · 19/07/2012 18:01

I agree with Birdsgottafly - any man who has double standards on that is likely to have double standards on all sorts of things, so you don't want to have a relationship with him anyway.

Original poster
LoveIsTooHard · 19/07/2012 18:03

Birds that is so true! That is what happened with the last guy. Put me off he did.

OP posts:
TalHotBlond · 19/07/2012 18:04

Oh gosh, no wonder you're thinking so much about this, that's a hell of a background story. You've been conditioned to think of sex as shameful.

Original poster
LoveIsTooHard · 19/07/2012 18:05

Yes, I feel great shame, about everything in my life.

OP posts:
valiumredhead · 19/07/2012 18:05

Too high? Who would know unless you tell them?

Stangirl · 19/07/2012 18:06

Personally I'd never bother with a man who found my "number" a worry. I've slept with shedloads - lost count years before I met DP - probably around the 50 mark. Boy was it fun. DP is actually dead proud of my history - he has a much more sedate past - and thinks it means he's an absolute stud because I stuck, monogamously, with him. He's luffly.

valiumredhead · 19/07/2012 18:08

I don't think dh and I have ever discussed numbers and we have been married over 20 years. Serves no purpose it's the past.

squeakytoy · 19/07/2012 18:08

OP, your mum lived in a different generation. You cant blame her for her views. Thats was the way people tended to be brought up and behave back then, but times have changed, safe sex and prevention of pregnancy is now much easier, and reputations are not tarnished because of a few different partners.

As for your ex, well that is a cultural difference and again little that you can do to change that, nor was it your fault.

Fake marriage???

valiumredhead · 19/07/2012 18:08

And imo 14 at aged 38 is very conservative, seriously.

Stangirl · 19/07/2012 18:08

..oh and FWIW I have quite a few males friends who similarly quite like their women to have quite a bit of history. One of them said he fell in love with his wife because she just really really loves sex - and having lots of partners before they met was one of the ways she demonstrated this!

Alurkatsoftplay · 19/07/2012 18:10

Why would you tell anyone? It's madness. Neither DH or I know how many there were in the past. The important thing is the present.
Mind you, I occasionally fret about the number of partners I've had - there were too few (but more than you OP)!

Original poster
LoveIsTooHard · 19/07/2012 18:10

Yes,I was foolish to stay with him. I guess I wasn't happy about my chices but his prejudice brought them more to the fore.

Sex is shameful, is how I feel. Quality of sex has been terrible too. I ahven't properly prgasmed alone or with a man.

It's the legacy of shame my Mother gave me. Possibly she may have predicted her shame if I were to become pregnant as a teenager so drummed this into me at a very early age.

Hmmph what to do.... :(

OP posts:
happybubblebrain · 19/07/2012 18:12

Are you joking? 14? That's nothing.

Some men sleep with that many women in a week.
I wouldn't live your life worrying what men think of you if I were you, it's a complete waste of time.

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 19/07/2012 18:12

LoveIs, my mum had that attitude. That all of my value as a woman was contained within my hymen. When I figured out that I'd been raped at 14 (it took a while for me to name what happened, I was very innocent and this was 1977) I also realised that I was "damaged goods".

It backfired, I waited till I turned 16 (law-abiding, see?) and went a bit wild. Met DH in 1983 and settled down happily.

thebody · 19/07/2012 18:13

Good grief op, what the fuck business is your sex life of anybody's but your own.

Muslims and some men have double standards!!

What the fuck is ' keeping nice' I think most girls use tanpons from a young age ( mine did) so does that mean they arnt virgins, what ever that means anyway..!!!

You sound lovely and don't worry, life is for living and enjoying.. Long time dead so have some fun....

Original poster
LoveIsTooHard · 19/07/2012 18:13

squeaky He said he shouldn't have been having sex with me before marriage. He asked the Iman from the local mosque to bless our union, 'married' us in the eyes of Allah. Excuse my terms, it was all in Arabic and I was just trying to make him happy at the time. I was very low in myself and didn't want it really.

OP posts:
TeiTetua · 19/07/2012 18:17

It seems a bit unfair to say "I can't help but feel men still judge about this" and then turn around and say "My Mother was a virgin before marriage and told me that the only women who sleep around are nothing but sluts and no man ever wants them and men can tell if they're 'decent'".

Can it be that women and men sometimes react against sexually active women more or less equally? And it's always wrong.

I've always liked a line in a Mary Chapin Carpenter song that goes "If I was not the first, just say I'll be the last." We did what we did in the past, but that's not the same as what we promise to do in the future.