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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to judge?

82 replies

MrsHuxtable · 17/07/2012 16:03

I have this friend, well I work with her. We had our children within a couple of months of each other and her DS is now about 3 months old. I get really annoyed with her FB updates.

Firstly, and I guess this plays a lot into my annoyance, I know (because she told me) how her DS was conceived.
She met this guy 1.5 years ago and got together with him because he has money. No love involved, pure calculation. She already has one DD from a one-night stand. Anyway, from the first night, this new guy and her were not using any contraception (I don't think he was aware of this) and she clearly stated to me that she is trying to get pregnant so he marries her. After spending a weekend away with her and her DD, the guy asked her to please make sure she takes her pill regularly because he realised what it's like with a child 24/7 and he doesn't want a baby with her. Well, she didn't and sure enough got pregnant eventually. As agreed, they got engaged a week before the baby was born but no wedding is planned yet.

What annoys me more than this though is the fact, that the poor baby is getting passed around like an unwanted dog. She doesn't bf because it's too much hassle and from the day the baby was born, every day there are pictures on FB with some random (well, not really, but to the baby random) person giving the bottle. Since the baby was a few weeks old, they have also been going away for weekends a lot with the baby staying at grandparents and aunties houses. Last week, they were away for over a week abroad (also without baby) and since she's been back, she posted pictures of herself every single day being out with some friends in different cities while some other girls from our work have her baby. Not a single week has gone by, where I have not seen pictures of her DC on FB taken by some or another person watching this child while she is doing god knows what.

I get that some people have to give their babies into childcare because they have to work. But in that case, there is a trusted and familiar nanny, a childminder or keyworker in nursery.
But, this girl is on maternity leave. And instead of one person, her baby is just being cared for by whoever has time.

I can't help but judge her. Maybe because our children are so close in age and I see how differently my DC is being looked after.

AIBU?

OP posts:

puds11 · 17/07/2012 16:05

Dont be her friend then.

TantrumsAndBalloons · 17/07/2012 16:07

Erm, don't look on her FB anymore?

Original poster

MrsHuxtable · 17/07/2012 16:08

I would have to defriend about 10 people as all are posting pictures of the baby when babysitting with her commenting and asking how he's doing but fair enough...

OP posts:

PenisVanLesbian · 17/07/2012 16:08

Why do you call her a friend when you clearly despise her?

And your man is a twat. Ever heard of a condom, mate?

BambieO · 17/07/2012 16:08

It's probably hard not to judge in these circumstances however it really is her choice and as long as the baby is safe and well looked after there isn't much cause for you to be concerned.

I would just be happy in the knowledge you are pleased with how you are parenting your own child and let her be or not be her friend as puds says

JennerOSity · 17/07/2012 16:09

Well it does sound pretty crap from your description, but I agree with Puds I find it hard to understand how you can be friends with someone whose behaviour falls so far short of what you would consider to be acceptable. I wouldn't touch her with a 10 foot barge pole personally.

Original poster

MrsHuxtable · 17/07/2012 16:14

I said "friend, well I work with her" as I didn't now how to describe that sort of relationship.

And yes, the guy is a knob. Her DD told other people that he shouts all the time as he can't stand the crying baby.

The thing is, while the baby is looked after, surely being looked after by sooo many people is not good for him, so therefore it is concerning.
Caring for a baby is not just about the clinical change of a nappy or sticking a bottle in his mouth, it's also about his emotional well-being and needs. I doubt very much that such a small babies emotional needs are being met by being passed around like that but each to their own...

OP posts:

PenisVanLesbian · 17/07/2012 16:17

Colleague. Acquaintance.

And none of your business really, is it?

Original poster

MrsHuxtable · 17/07/2012 16:20

Yep, none of by business. I can still be annoyed or irritated by it. I'm sure we all get irritated by stuff that is none of our business!

OP posts:

Primafacie · 17/07/2012 16:21

YABU and you should stop comparing your fantastic parenting to your colleague's.

JennerOSity · 17/07/2012 16:22

Sounds like a recipe for a child who will feel unloved and who knows how that will turn out. Hopefully not, but from outside appearances it looks as likely as not. thought 'trapping' a man with a child was a thing of the past, after all it is no guarantee he'll stick around, she must have done a great con job on him.

Hardly surprised the father is not being an enthusiastic participant, he has had fatherhood foisted upon him when he has explicitly expressed the desire not to go down that road, but he may be able to get past that eventually especially when the baby becomes more of a person in its own right.

This sort of thing would really get under my skin but as there is nothing you can do I would just avoid avoid avoid.

Northernexile · 17/07/2012 16:22

YAB a bit U, yes.

Primafacie · 17/07/2012 16:22

But why is this irritating you? Do you spend any time with her and her child? Do you have any responsibility to him? Or do you just do it because it makes you feel good in comparison?

puds11 · 17/07/2012 16:22

the guy is a knob surely this knob has been conned into having a child? Granted he doesnt have to stay, but he is maybe trying to do the right thing, but struggling.

JennerOSity · 17/07/2012 16:24

Good point Puds

PenisVanLesbian · 17/07/2012 16:25

how was he conned? He fucked a woman he hardly knew without a condom. What the fuck did he think would happen? Even if she lied and said she was on the pill, its his own fault and something he could easily have avoided.

KellyElly · 17/07/2012 16:28

As long as the baby is staying with grandparents or close aunties I don't really see the problem. I had very bad PND with my DD and she stayed with my parents quite frequently when she was a young baby. I know it's a different reason but the baby won't know that. As long as his basic needs are getting taken care of and he is getting to spend time bonding with his parents, it may be a different way of parenting to most but isn't neglectful or abusive.

Original poster

MrsHuxtable · 17/07/2012 16:30

Haha, if only I thought my parenting was that great. I'm as confused a first-time mum as anyone and no, her parenting doesn't make me feel better about myself at all.

The only thing it makes me feel is pity for that child.

I have no problem being honest about my weaknesses, hence my post and I guess, I'm bothered because I'm a judgey cow.

Her other DC, who also is passed around, has btw said word for word "Does my mum not love me anymore?" on more than one occasion when she got shipped of so my acquaintance could shack up with another guy. So I guess that tells me that children do notice...

OP posts:

Socknickingpixie · 17/07/2012 16:30

YABU for many reasons

if a person has sex there is a chance of a child happening,if it would be the end of the world for that person then they can use the word no,or they can take responsability for contraception.

breast feeding or bottle feeding using one as a example of emotional abuse is seriously fucked up. not your child not your choice to either make or comment on

as to the rest i dont think i can even be bothered to explain how out of perspective that probally is

QueenofJacksDreams · 17/07/2012 16:30

YANBU both a pair of twats in my opinion her for trapping him and him for not sorting the contraceptive himself.

Original poster

MrsHuxtable · 17/07/2012 16:32

Kelly I said it's also random girls from work or other friends, whoever has time, not just the grandparents or aunts.

OP posts:

KellyElly · 17/07/2012 16:35

What even for the week they were away and weekends etc? Personally 5that would only be something I'd be happy for close family to do. They must be close friends to take such a young baby overnight as most people wouldn't be up for that. If they are just babysitting for an evening/afternoon etc then that's different.

Original poster

MrsHuxtable · 17/07/2012 16:36

And I did not condem her bottlefeeding but the fact that within 24hrs after the birth at least 5 different people were holding that bottle. Feeding, in whichever way, is bonding time for a newborn so surely should be shared by the parents.

Anyway, I know i asked for this but I will stop responding to this now as most people seem to think that IABU for being irritated by this woman's choices.

I never said it was abuse or neglect btw. Posters are reading more into this than I said.

OP posts:

BambieO · 17/07/2012 16:37

I have a colleague who struggled like this with her second DD. she had people looking after her overnight myself included (I should have said no in retrospect as if something had happened at such a vulnerable stage I would never forgive myself but wanted to help) from four days old.

At the time we all worried about her and if I am honest, I did judge and vowed never to do the same but looking back I realise I shouldn't have judged. I was only judging based on my mythical ideal way of parenting and the reality for her was obviously very different. She was depressed, not coping and friends and family did their best to support her.

Now all is well and her bond with her DD is as strong as any other I have seen. DD was so young she won't even remember but she would remember if people hadn't helped and her DM had fallen apart affecting her as she grows.

Maybe try and push your judgement aside, I wish I had and help her find out why she needs all of the extra help? There might be more to it than meets the eye

Original poster

MrsHuxtable · 17/07/2012 16:39

Yes Kelly, you would be surprised how many girls age 20-22 who want to play family with their bf's are up for babysitting a weekend. It's a novelty if it's not your own...

OP posts:

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