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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to judge?

82 replies

MrsHuxtable · 17/07/2012 16:03

I have this friend, well I work with her. We had our children within a couple of months of each other and her DS is now about 3 months old. I get really annoyed with her FB updates.

Firstly, and I guess this plays a lot into my annoyance, I know (because she told me) how her DS was conceived.
She met this guy 1.5 years ago and got together with him because he has money. No love involved, pure calculation. She already has one DD from a one-night stand. Anyway, from the first night, this new guy and her were not using any contraception (I don't think he was aware of this) and she clearly stated to me that she is trying to get pregnant so he marries her. After spending a weekend away with her and her DD, the guy asked her to please make sure she takes her pill regularly because he realised what it's like with a child 24/7 and he doesn't want a baby with her. Well, she didn't and sure enough got pregnant eventually. As agreed, they got engaged a week before the baby was born but no wedding is planned yet.

What annoys me more than this though is the fact, that the poor baby is getting passed around like an unwanted dog. She doesn't bf because it's too much hassle and from the day the baby was born, every day there are pictures on FB with some random (well, not really, but to the baby random) person giving the bottle. Since the baby was a few weeks old, they have also been going away for weekends a lot with the baby staying at grandparents and aunties houses. Last week, they were away for over a week abroad (also without baby) and since she's been back, she posted pictures of herself every single day being out with some friends in different cities while some other girls from our work have her baby. Not a single week has gone by, where I have not seen pictures of her DC on FB taken by some or another person watching this child while she is doing god knows what.

I get that some people have to give their babies into childcare because they have to work. But in that case, there is a trusted and familiar nanny, a childminder or keyworker in nursery.
But, this girl is on maternity leave. And instead of one person, her baby is just being cared for by whoever has time.

I can't help but judge her. Maybe because our children are so close in age and I see how differently my DC is being looked after.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsHuxtable · 17/07/2012 16:40

Maybe PND???
But that doesn't explain why she also does it with her 6 year-old and has been for years.

OP posts:
KellyElly · 17/07/2012 16:42

MrsHuxtable well in thet case YANBU as to look after such a young baby for a whole weekend you should have experience of your own or be close family. I would have let friends sit my DD for an afternoon or a few hours in the evening but no for that length of time when she was so little. Apart from anything else they are hard to settle at that age and still night wake so it's quite a big ask!

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 17/07/2012 16:46

I think a baby being cared for and getting used to a wide range of people is a good thing. We're social animals, after all.

You're being U.

babyheaves · 17/07/2012 16:46

I think what you really wanted to say was "Am I being unreasonable to think I am a better parent than this woman."

Face it, you're looking, comparing and feeling that you are better than her. Is your life really so empty that you need to do that?

thebestisyettocome · 17/07/2012 16:47

She sounds like an awful mother. There are plenty of them about. YANBU to judge her and anybody who says they never judge people is a liar.

Original poster
MrsHuxtable · 17/07/2012 16:57

Yes, I do compare myself to her. With babies so close in age, I think that's normal. She looks great, you wouldn't be able to tell she's had 2 children and I still have a few kg of baby weight left. So there, compared again.

And yes, mean me does hope that I'm a better mother because I would not want my 6 year-old to ask other people why her mum doesn't love her or spent time with her. (And I'm not making this up, it's what she said word for word.)
I would have thought that would break any mothers heart.

OP posts:
LadyClariceCannockMonty · 17/07/2012 16:58

'She sounds like an awful mother.'

Nice.

BambieO · 17/07/2012 17:18

Do you think maybe she realises she shouldn't have tricked the father and is now trying to make amends by building a solid relationship with him in the hope they can stay together and provide a stable family unit?

I know it may seem at the expense of the children but perhaps she genuinely hasn't realised the negative effect or feels (rightly or wrongly) that them missing out on her time for a short period will be made up for by having a loving family unit in the future?

DISCLAIMER - I know single parents are also loving family units Smile

FutTheShuckUp · 17/07/2012 17:19

Wow you are a pure gem. You must actually have some raging insecurities to need to act like this.

Primafacie · 17/07/2012 17:35

OP, in a couple of years' time your toddler will start saying "I don't love you anymore!" "I don't like daddy!" "Mummy you are mean!" "You don't love me anymore!", and ill-informed bystanders will judge you, too.

Krumbum · 17/07/2012 17:43

If he didnt want a baby he should use a condom. Don't be blaming her for that, she didn't pretend to be on the pill.

Victoria3012 · 17/07/2012 18:12

Wow, you are so judgey, it's really none of your business and you just come across as bitter. Why are you so bothered who feeds her baby? Why do you care if she looks great? And as for tricking the father?? Wow.. Get on with your own life and stop analysing her life.

Victoria3012 · 17/07/2012 18:24

Wow, you are so judgey, it's really none of your business and you just come across as bitter. Why are you so bothered who feeds her baby? Why do you care if she looks great? And as for tricking the father?? Wow.. Get on with your own life and stop analysing her life.

thebestisyettocome · 17/07/2012 19:24

LadyClarice.
She does sound awful though Hmm

Original poster
MrsHuxtable · 17/07/2012 20:09

I never said she "tricked" her bf, some other poster put it like that. I merely explained how her DC got conceived. Hardly an ideal way. I know. My mum did the same. Never told my dad she had come off the pill (they were married though) and it caused massive resentment.
I also don't care if she looks great.I certainly don't think it's a bad thing. I'm impressed she manages to look the way she does with a new baby when I am still a mess. I only used that as an example of how I automatically compare myself and my parenting to mums to have babies of the same age. I don't believe anyone who says they never do it.

I have my insecurities in life, like most people, but bitternes is certainly not one of them. What would I be bitter about?
I should propably get a new hobby though. Won't stop me from judging some people though for the choices they make. I'm sure other people judge me too but that's life.

I do hope that her relationship works out for the sake of her children but I doubt it very much. The bf has already turned out to be not very truthful in many ways. I just find it hard. It's like watching a car crash in slow motion.

OP posts:
littlemisssarcastic · 17/07/2012 21:02

I'm confused. OP, you say she got together with this guy because he had money, but there is no love, only calculation, yet she seems to enjoy his company and wants to spend child free time with him.

Confused

I am clearly missing the point aren't I?

Original poster
MrsHuxtable · 17/07/2012 21:26

Because he pays for her weekends away including shopping trips to fund her designer hand-bag habit. Said hand-bags are then photographed and then also put on FB.

And her exact words when they got together were "He will do."

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsHuxtable · 17/07/2012 21:34

I just realised something. I really want to work on myself and be less judgy, I know I do it, it's not good but I can't help it. At the same time, AIBU is one of my favourite MN topics and it also happens to be the most judgey one.

People express their opinions, strongly worded, quite often extreme and others agree or disagree. Not seldom the OP is ripped apart for expressing their opinion in the first place.
In my case, I posted about being judgey and ironically, I get judged for that.
Fine.

So my conclusion is that my first step to be a less judgey person is to stay away from the AIBU section.

OP posts:
Lucyellensmum99 · 17/07/2012 21:45

here, ave a packet o [bisciut]s to eat wdile watchin jezza kyle

Lucyellensmum99 · 17/07/2012 21:46

oops [hic]

englishbreakfast · 17/07/2012 22:06

YANBU, don't understand why so many people on here are justifying her behavior. Yes, it's maybe nobody's business how she is raising her children and it doesn't sound like they are being neglected in the physical sense (i.e. they are fed, clothed etc). It doesn't sound like their emotional needs are being met though. I am not saying life should stop when we have children but they should be their parents' priority, not being out partying or going on holidays without them when they are only a few weeks / months old. Babies need to feel loved and develop secure attachments to their primary caregivers for their social and emotional development.

I feel sad for your "friend's" baby and her older DC, but there's nothing you can do... I'd just stay away tbh.

narmada · 17/07/2012 22:11

Maybe she does have PND - sometimes people who do want to show everyone else how marvellously they are coping when they are anything but....

If she definitely doesn't have PND then I think this woman's behaviour sounds pretty piss poor all round - purposefully trapping someone with a baby is dishonest and selfish. And probably destined to fail. Although the bloke sounds like a complete numpty also. Lack of continuity of care for the baby is really not good. There is no reason to bring the breastfeeding into it, though. It doesn't work out for everyone and bottle-fed babies can be equally loved and well-parented.

I am starting to find all this berating people for their 'judgy pants' posts on mumsnet a bit wearing. It's so sanctimonious and a bit dishonest I think. Everyone makes judgements about others. It's the basis of human relationships, surely.

NeverBeenTrulyLoved · 18/07/2012 00:07

You are Envy plain and simple to me.

YABU

pumpkinsweetie · 18/07/2012 00:31

Yanbu, either your friend has PND or is not trying her best to be a good mother.
But unfortunetly all you can do about the situation is A: help her B: keep out of the situation.
If she hasn't got PND, she isn't the sort who i would have as a friend as i cannot understand how a mother can dump her baby like that.

cranverry · 18/07/2012 04:46

I don't think YABU. Sounds a pretty chaotic lifestyle for the children. Yes the baby may not be aware of it but her older daughter certainly sounds like she is. Maybe she does have PND or maybe she's just a selfish mother/ girlfriend. I'd hide her updates on Facebook if it's upsetting you so much.

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